DestinyM

Days like this I wonder why I even am still married to my AH. In this one day I've been blamed for his relapse, the disrespect my kids have for him, his current living arrangements, ALL his pain & his suffering. I've been called dumb, stupid, hung up on TWICE, told I don't deserve to wear the wedding rings HE brought and that I destroyed his life AGAIN. He cried in the street (literally...tears!!) about how much he loves me and how he went to detox so he could take care of his wife and be a good husband only for me to "cross" him with my 18yo daughter because she finally after 8 years told him how she felt about him and my having to pay all the bills and handle everything while all he did was drink. I according to him was supposed to defend him and tell her to mind her business. He then confessed to what I already knew...he was drinking again - like his breath, eyes and behavior, didn't tell me that over a month ago. He also said my priorities were wrong because he's my husband and he's supposed to be first above everything - my job, my kids, pretty much even me. That I'm all he has in the world because he can't work because of what the disease has done to his body at 37, he doesn't deal with his kids because they think their grown and his family is riddled with addiction which he also can't deal with. Oh yeah, and I'm a perfect wife. Talk about a mind scramble!!

Please understand we've been apart 4 weeks tomorrow (because of the daughter incident, which lead to him turning over TV's, throwing my clothes all over our room and out windows; because I took the shirt he was wearing that day off the bedroom floor and threw them at the front door telling him to leave because it was 3AM and he had jumped on me trying to strangle me in a rage. When I refused to pick the shirts up, he decided to destroy my clothes.) He said it all started back in January when I made him mad by deciding to by an internet tablet when we discussed catching up on bills first. So he decided to make me mad by taking a drink so its my fault he relapsed. And if my daughter & I hadn't "disrespected" him he would still be happy living at home sober with his wife. As if...

We only started talking Sunday and spent the last two days together. I had to work this afternoon and by the time I got off and to him he was really, really intoxicated. I did really good at first, not feeding in to anything he said, just trying to get home, but I knew things were going to take a terrible turn when I wouldn't agree to spend the night with him at my BIL house.

I know this is not my fault. I acknowledge that I should have discussed the tablet purchase with him, but that does not justify his relapse or his behavior that lead to his being removed from our home. I have been trying to establish a boundary of no talking when he's under the influence, which i did do the first night we talked on the phone and I picked up his slurring speech but somehow tonight I did get sucked into the hysteria and found myself in the street screaming and yelling over him on the phone to the point of tears. By the time I got off the phone he still cocky and wanting to know what time I was going to be at the house in the morning.

I've only been to 8 F2F meetings and I read as much CAL literature as I can each day. I called one of the ladies I met at a F2F while i walked in the rain and she talked to me for a while and I felt better but that's when he called and the hysteria ensued.

I know I'm writing a lot but I feel so overwhelmed, I can't even think straight. Honestly, I hate how much I love him and wish I could just walk away but the truth is I love him very much. It hurts so much to see him in this state especially when he was so clean and sober coming into the new year. He's so different when he's not drinking, he's kind and considerate and makes me feel like a Queen. Something I never had in any relationship before. I actually have never been in a relationship this long, none have lasted over a two years and I'm 42. He makes me feel so protected and safe which I also never had even in childhood. I've been trying to explain to him (when he's sober) about my recovery efforts and learning about the disease so I can heal and not hurt myself anymore or hurt him by "contributing" to the disease, but I can't help but feel tonight like I took a giant step backward by even talking to him again but I missed him so much and I was really worried.

I thank you guys for letting me share and I know this is a lot, but like I said I've only been working the program for 4 weeks and I don't have a sponsor and I don't want the insanity to continue so any words of ES&H would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Destiny

Presstoe

I'm totally new here. I don't know you, but I have a friend who goes thru much the same thing with her live in BF, who is also a good friend of mine. I can't see him right now because he's gotten so bad and it breaks my heart. She says the same thing, well she says, " I love him but I don't want to love him" She also had issues in her childhood, bad relationships and her ex-husband died of AIDS and she became HIV positive because of his infidelity.

That's another matter, off topic... but I hear in your words the same type of pain. I don't know anything about the program. I'm reading and learning. I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. I read your story and wish I could help. I pray that you are safe, and for your strength in this seemingly impossible situation. Please protect yourself from physical abuse. I'm sending you hope and hugs. Be strong and I wish for light to bless you.

lillamy

Destiny, sweet woman... that's great. But that's not all he is. He is also the abusive man you've described. He's both, or all of that. It's a package deal. It would be great if we could cherrypick the traits we like in our alcoholics. And force them to become sober. But it doesn't work that way.

Please take care of yourself and your daughter.

And then ask yourself what this is that you're feeling. It took me 45 years to realize that I couldn't differentiate between love and pity. Between love and guilt.

Hugs to you.

Eight Ball

Hi Destiny,

I read several parts in your thread that has happened to me, living with my AH.

Your AH is blame-shifting big time, he is also making all his current woes about you. Unfortunately its what they do. Mine did it over and over again. It used to go something like this:

Me: Please cut down your drinking, you scare me when you are drinking.
AH: If you drank, then we wouldnt have a problem.
AH: If you werent so boring then I wouldnt drink.

He would avoid at all costs, discussing or talking about the actual topic I had brought up and always made it about me. They dont have to look at their own behavior if they make it all about you. Its easier (part of the disease) to say its your fault than to recognize that the alcohol may be causing all their problems in life, that way they can carry on drinking.

Through Al-anon and this site, I now recognition this alcoholic trait and find that less and less, I get sucked in with this type of avoidance. I have learnt a few lessons; these days I very rarely even mention his drinking, I pick a sober time to discuss anything important and I stop a conversation if it 'turns' and try not to get sucked in.

I have had some psychotherapy and currently counseling and it really does take some time to get your head around the right way and wrong way of thinking and dealing with an alcoholic. Keep going to your meetings and visiting/posting on SR and it will get easier for you.

One thing about being treated like a Queen my psychotherapist explained to me - its what keeps us trapped into staying, alcoholics can be very manipulative and will treat us this way to keep us where we are, so that there drinking remains unaffected and in status quo. Basically the nice parts of an alcoholic are a lie as you live with the whole.

My AH started verbally abusing our 18yr old daughter, whereby she was sometimes scared to be at home or felt as though she was treading on eggshells. Sometimes she would phone me, if I was out, from outside the house crying because of what her dad had done. She moved out at 19yrs as she couldn't live like that anymore. My AH accused me of 'turning her against him' said 'she would have moved out eventually anyway' and that 'she was lazy and not university material'. Either its too hard for the alcoholics to think about what damage they have caused or they dont have the morals and values to know that their behavior towards their (in my case) daughter is completely wrong. Again much easier to blame it on you.

My husbands saving grace is that he works hard, very hard, is a great provider and he does a lot around the house (more than me). I very rarely hear verbal abuse these days (mainly because I ignore his drinking), he sends me sweet text messages during the day and sometimes leaves romantic notes around and tries really hard to limit his drinking. The worse thing about his drinking is that he is always tired and I lead a fairly lonely existence in the evenings.

I am not dealing with a man who has rages, who doesn't work, who throws clothes around, who cries in the street and tries to strangle me, even so, I am still very ambivalent about being married to an alcoholic and getting some personal counseling to cope with anxiety, stress and depression issues, a lot of that due to my roller coaster marriage.

This is definitely not your fault but sometimes we enable our AH just by staying and being wishy washy about what we are willing to put up with.

I have allowed my AH of 22yrs to blame me, verbally abuse me, disrespect me. I chose to stay with him when he had an long term internet affair, abused our daughter, was mean, visited porn sites, smoked behind my back, bought more beer when I asked him to cut down and told me that he was going to drink beer for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it, I could leave. I know that I do that because I have become emotionally unhealthy. I am sure that a relatively healthy person would read my last paragraph and say 'why on earth do you put up with that?' Deep in my heart I know the right thing to do would be to say 'I will not live with you whilst you continue to drink' make my boundary clear and be strong. If he chooses drink over me, then I get my answer and know that I deserve better and someone who will put me first. This scares me right now but I am working on that.

Why do you put up with what you do? Start asking yourself that, get some help and maybe you will want more for your life too. Real Love isn't abusive.

tjp613

Destiny (((Hugs))) - You are going through a lot right now and I'm so sorry. This must be so painful for you.

Have you ever been in counseling before? If you had a traumatic childhood where you didn't feel safe and protected, you may be doomed to repeat this scenario over and over again.

I am concerned for you because he sounds like an incredibly abusive man. You did real good to get away from him 4 weeks ago, but now you've gotten sucked back in and you're in the mess of it all over again.

Which is greater...the pain you're in now or the pain of missing him? I would venture to guess the pain you're in now is MUCH greater. When I was in a similar situation (and I was for 4 years), I finally figured out the pain of missing him was more tolerable AND had the added bonus of diminishing over time. Yep, you gotta give it lots of time.

You could also benefit greatly by visiting with a domestic violence counselor. You do qualify for their services and they have a unique skill in helping you to build up your self-esteem after it has been shred to pieces living with an abuser for months or years.

At least you found SR and for that I am very grateful. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. You have stumbled on one of the greatest group of supportive people in the world. We care very much.

Take care of YOU today. OXOX

LexieCat

This guy tried to strangle you in your own home, and you think he makes you feel "safe and protected."

There is a disconnect here. He ONCE made you feel safe and protected, and, like a gambler still chasing that early "win" you keep throwing your money into the pot and losing.

I do hope you talk to a domestic violence counselor. You are in a dangerous situation. I worked in the DV field for many years, and trust me, your safety is at risk. You need to know how to plan to escape safely if you need to.

I'd also suggest you attend some regular Al-Anon meetings for help in dealing with your current alcoholic relationship.

Hugs, please stick around,

nodaybut2day

From where I sit, your relationship with this person is toxic. You talk about how wonderful this man is when he is sober (makes you feel safe, secure, like a Queen) as if it negates the physical and verbal abuse he has heaped on you. Do you love this man as he is TODAY, totally and completely, the abuse included? Because that is the only person he is willing to be.

There is no valid excuse for abuse. Nothing justifies it. An abuser will abuse because that is the way they know how to relate to others and get what they want.

I admire your daughter for speaking the truth to this man, however, considering that he has destroyed your things, verbally assaulted you and CHOKED you, I would urge caution. This man is drinking *again* and his behaviour cannot be trusted.

IMO, when we look to other to fulfill our need for happiness, we peg ourselves as the perfect victims for those who will happily prey on us. For me, happiness needs to come from within, not without.

Please seek some counselling from people who have experience with abuse. You're doing so well by having separated from him for 4 weeks. Perhaps you need to consider going No Contact to see the situation more clearly.

tjp613

Destiny - You may want to read along in this thread where we've been discussing the highlights of an AWESOME book called, "Why Does He Do That?" It's subtitled something like "Inside the MInd of Angry and Controlling Men" which should give you a better idea of the subject matter.

I would really like to encourage you to buy a copy for yourself which you can find cheaply (used) on many websites.

Verbena

Go back and read Eight ball's post. That lady knows what she's talking about.

Then, call the National Domestic Violence Hot line: 800-799-7233.
Tell them your story. Let them help you figure out what to do.

Please keep posting here. Be careful and stay safe.

DestinyM

I just want to say I know all about DV and the cycle of violence. It's been a pattern in my life since HS. I'm speaking to my AH but not living with him. I have not let him near my home since the incident. I have even me t him somewhere public. I actually have a protective order and even with that keep a safety plan. I'm grateful to God for bringing Al Anon in my life because I have done the DV counseling and the pastoral counseling and one on one counseling and no one once told me anything about the disease and what it could and has done to me. My grandfather was an A but my parents weren't, but that stinking thinking was set in my mom. I never knew any of this until 4 weeks ago when I found Al Anon! All the other counselors were judgmental in my "relapses" and my insanity it is only Al Anon has given me the knowledge, strength, encouragement and hope that I will be okay. I may stumble, even fall but I can with my HP get back up.

Verbena

Sounds like you've got a support system already in place. That's great!

Eight Ball

I too didn't know any of this until 18months ago, when a friend listening to me, suggested that I try Al-anon. During our 22yr marriage, and several counseling sessions, not once had I ever considered alcoholism to be the root problem, causing many of our conflicts. Never was it suggested by the councilors either. I currently see a councilor who has a lot of experience of working in the field of alcoholism and it makes all the difference talking to someone who understands the dynamics. I come to SR for people who relate.

Keep going to Al-anon, it really does work at eliminated that heavy, head spin, overwhelming feeling and getting some more peace in life. I have learnt a lot through Al-anon but got to a stage where I wanted to deeper analyze my thought patterns a bit more with my particular circumstances through counseling. If you do require counseling to move on, make sure you research and find someone with experience of alcoholism.

DestinyM

Thanks, I read the first post and immediately got it for my NOOK reader, then went back and read the rest of the posts. I think I've spent over $100 this past 4 weeks on books to read about A and the effect its had on my life. I can't wait to get off work so I can start reading more on my way home. Thanks so much.

TakingCharge999

Wow, XABF told me exactly the same words. Exactly. And it's precisely what he is doing. 2 years later I would be there, still waiting.