Do you relate to this at all?
 

Do you relate to this at all?

OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE - A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion

I'm sure most of you do! Why, well because most addicts have personality disorders and their addiction is only the symptom.
There is really no explaining why they destroy themselves and everyone around them!
My therapist and myself cannot diagnose my ex, but I will say this, he has almost every characteristic of borderline and NPD.

Spoke to him for the last time ever 2 weeks ago. He wanted to try to be friends. I told him I can't be friends unless we talk about what happened.
He said ok, then said no, then ok, then no! He was trying to play with my head.
He cheated on me 7 months ago and I left. He showed ZERO remorse.
I was baffled for MONTHS at his behaviour towards me!
He stopped drinking over 2 yrs ago and has been in step group for months, I thought for sure he was getting better. Then I spoke to him and realized he's sicker than before his step group!

When I finally called him up 2 weeks ago to put an end to this charade, and tell him we either talk about what happened or I'm not interested in being friends, He asked me "Why don't you trust me"

HUH?????????? I replied "Because you cheated on me"
He replied "I never cheated on you, you cheated on me and you're a liar"
Then the talk got really heated and MENTAL (I reacted just like he wanted)and out of the blue the verbal abuse started and he said "You know what, you're a real whack job"

Then he said "This is why I left you, because you are crazy"
I said "I left you"
He said "No I left you"
Then went on to say I stalked him, which is truly twisted!
He's a major projector and everything and I mean EVERYTHING he's ever accused me of, he did or is doing!

It's at that point I knew this guy was truly sick, twisted and out of his mind!
He cheated on me with a 250 lbs married pig who I promise you, looks like Rodney Dangerfield!
My therapist said "They don't care how their souces look, as long as they get attention and feel loved. They just need a constant source"
This explains why he's had sex with the most hidious people ever!

But years of abuse from this coward finally came together and I realized he's suffering serious personality disorder.
After this call my therapist said "Are you finally convince about what I've been telling you for 5 months"
I was finally able to let go completely and I will never look back!
I guess I just needed to hear it for myself!

I wish all of you the same realization and strength to let go of these truly sick souls and focus on finding health and happiness!
Any way you slice and dice, the addiction is a self medication to something WAY deeper!

Oh and while in step group declaring his HONESTY, he was still having an affair with this married pig!
He also told me before xmas he was going to make amends to his ex wife, which he never did and I can bet you a trillion bucks, her nor his other ex nor me will ever get an amends from this coward!

I know he's sick, but I truly just don't care anymore!
These soul suckers drain the life out of everyone they know! Even his own kids are emotionally messed up! What a hard life they are going to have!

I don't know if your ex is BPD or NPD, but I don't think everyone who is an alcoholic or addict has a personality disorder. Usually there is some other stuff that's a little messed up (sometimes it's a result of the drinking, and sometimes it's part of the cause), but most personality disorders are not very responsive to treatment. Having problem personality traits is different from having a personality disorder. With most alcoholics and addicts, once the booze is gone, and the personality problems addressed (which should be part of recovery, if they are using the Steps), they can be pretty decent human beings.

Lexie, I agree, but I think that is truly a super small %!
This is why AA only works for 5% of people!

And to add, you would not know if these addicts have personality disorders because their secrets are only revealed to those closest to them. Most people who would meet my ex would think he's a GREAT guy who got sober!
He's NOT! But only I and those who were in an intimate relationship with him would truly know this!

Well, Summer, your story sounds quite familiar to me. My RAXH, who is now supposedly sober going on 8 months, told me this week that he's forgiven me. You know, forgiven me that I didn't come back after he threatened my life? No. Forgiven me because he's figured out that I left him because I could no longer live every day facing the fact that I was such a failure as a wife that I had driven my husband to drinking.

Oh yes. That's it. I left, not because he was an abusive drunk, but because I couldn't live with the guilt of having made him an abusive drunk. :lmao Sorry. Shouldn't laugh. But it's kind of funny. In a sad twisted way.

Lilla: I left my ex 3 yrs ago because of verbal abuse and he proceeded to come into MY HOME while I was at work, read my journal, then take the bbq tank off the bbq.
I asked him why he did this and he said "I didn't want you new boyfriend to use my BBQ"
I said "I left you because you were verbally abusive" And he said "NO you left me for another guy"
Then he denied he ever did this!

His TWISTED brain could not compute he was abusive.

Oh and speaking or forgiving. His bday was 3 months after I left him and he didnt get a bday greeting from me and when I spoke to him a month later, he said "I forgave you for not contacting me on my bday and a week after I didnt hear from you, I finally let you go"

I HAD LEFT HIM 3 MONTHS PROIR FOR CHEATING and he was still seeing his married pig along with I'm sure other women and he forgave me, how sweet he is!

Cheating is a tough thing to overcome. I can't believe he was still admitting his honesty while still cheating, WOW.

Summer,

I'm not arguing with you about your ex. You may be right, I don't know him. I'm not saying he doesn't have personality disorders. I'm saying you are being way too broad in your generalizations.

Your "five percent" statistic is incorrect, IMO, and I also think there are at least as many people with personality disorders who AREN'T alcoholics/addicts as those who are. IOW, I don't think personality disorders and addiction go hand-in-hand. They certainly CAN occur in the same people, but one really doesn't have much to do with the other, except when they do occur together, one condition exacerbates the other.

That is some twisted sh!t.

Run. Run fast as you can. In the other direction.

Hopefully this latest episode will allow you to maintain no contact from here on out. You don't need the drama. It's over. Live your life in the very best way you can and consider that door firmly closed.

Hit up some BPD and NPD sites and you will see most threads talk about addiction!
Not saying all, I said most and again, this is not even something anyone would know unless knowing the person on an intimate level.
Most don't even realize they are disordered!

I had very little contact with him over the 7 months and it's over!
Door closed!

This is only 1/100 of the twisted **** he's done!
It's only now I am truly talking about it because I need to let it out and let it go!

We were in couples therapy and he was saying to my face and the therapist "I am not cheating and her mistrust is driving me away"

A few days before I caught him, he sat me down, looked me right in the face and swore on his kids heads he was not cheating!
He was, OH BUT SORRY, he said he never put his little man in her so it wasn't cheating, Sexting, phone sex and meeting for coffee was NOT CHEATING!
How stupid of me!

He may very well have a mental illness in addition to his addiction. There is really no way to know. I see a lot of diagnosing of the addict on this board. I did it myself. I think it's easier to believe that there is something inherently wrong with the person who hurt us so badly than to face the fact that we chose them. Looking in the mirror is infinitely more difficult than looking through the magnifying glass.

You're not stupid and you're not a victim. It's just how life is. It's about lessons to be learned. Some of them are really, really hard and painful.

L

I understand you're trying to be helpful, but oh please!

My ex is bat-sh*t crazy! Diagnosis or not! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see this person has a PD!

Never claimed to be a victim, I knew full well he was unbalance!

My ex husband was like that but he was not an alcoholic. He only drank a beer or two when I did.

He was just normally EVIL. In fact he was a bit more tolerable after he had a beer.

Stay away from this guy, he'll make you think that "YOU" belong in a mental institution and not him.

I was with him for close to 5 yrs and yes, it about put me in a crazy-house!
His ex before me tried to kill herself, never understood why, now I see why!
These NPD types get off on the power they have to hurt others.

And yes, I am NOT a victim, but the abuse starts off covertly and slowly. At first, you have no idea what hit you, by then, you're so deep into it, it's hard to makes sense of it enough to leave.
It's called a trauma bond. Their mental and emotional abuse causes PTSD and it takes a while to undo this damage.

And to add, my ex was actually nice when he drank, I actually liked him. When he got sober 3 yrs into it, this is when the SERIOUS lies started, the cheating, the gaslighting, the head games etc.
He was actually in AA trying to pick up women. Saw an email to his addict friend saying "There is some hot blonde with huge t*ts in my group. This one I'm going to take it slow with"
And he was with me at the time 3 yrs!
He would go to AA dressed up, put on cologne! I was baffled at his behaviour. It took me this long to see, he's disordered and the booze is the only medication he had to keep him "normal"

I don't think my xah has any kind of personality disorder at all. I don't see any signs of that.

He's an alcoholic to be sure and has some issues surrounding that - self centered, poor me kind of things. He is being treated for an anxiety disorder now but didn't have any trouble with anxiety up until a year or two ago.

I've known other alcoholics that don't appear to have a personality disorder at all, some of them I've been rather close to and others not. I was closest to my xah of course. We were together 16 years.

That isn't to say that some alcoholics don't have personality disorders, I'm sure they do. I just don't think you can automatically extrapolate from one to the other. You can't even reasonably diagnose a personality disorder while someone is active in addiction.

I think it's dangerous to say all As have personality disorders.

Mine did have something going on over and above the alcoholism. What it was/is, I have no idea.. I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist. I don't know if it was a personality disorder or any other issue and tbh, I don't care. I don't know if his alcoholism was the cause or a symptom.. again, I don't know and I don't care. That's his stuff to deal with and always was.

I found trying to diagnose and understand what was going on in his head was an exercise in futility, which would only serve to send me as ******* crazy as he appeared to be. My only job was/is to recognise when someone is not good for me and to cut out the toxicity in my life.

Tx