Do you relate to this at all?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I just want to say that my RAH is not mentally ill, he is an alcoholic who is trying to remain sober and even though he has hurt me and pissed me off at times, for that one very reason I am very proud of him. The longer he stays off alcohol, the more "normal" he returns to being, but it is baby steps...sloooow progress...but progress nonetheless. When I finally got off his a$$, pointing out all his mistakes and being judgmental, he actually quit riding my a$$, too. Amazing how that worked. Just sayin'...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
his responcibility
I struggle with empathy and compassion too.
I don't think mine deserves it.
But, I realized along the way, that while my anger fueled my power to leave initially, it was hurting me, way more than him. When it finally fell away, I found I needed something to fill that space.
Here I sit struggling with loneliness, even when I am not alone; I have perceived unhappiness and a whole slew of other negative emotions that are just plain ole habitual.
Hopefully, I will find a way to change that.
I was going to mention in the other post and forgot:
When you blame her (the other woman) calling her names or other forms of blame, you stop holding him accountable.
It is not her fault he acts the way he does, any more than it is yours.
I don't think mine deserves it.
But, I realized along the way, that while my anger fueled my power to leave initially, it was hurting me, way more than him. When it finally fell away, I found I needed something to fill that space.
Here I sit struggling with loneliness, even when I am not alone; I have perceived unhappiness and a whole slew of other negative emotions that are just plain ole habitual.
Hopefully, I will find a way to change that.
I was going to mention in the other post and forgot:
When you blame her (the other woman) calling her names or other forms of blame, you stop holding him accountable.
It is not her fault he acts the way he does, any more than it is yours.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I understand your frustration with his behaviors and you probably have every right to be angry at what he has put you through.....but as someone who works directly with people who DO have a mental health diagnosis and the people diagnosing them, a diagnosis is a very complicated process.
I only point this out because people often read a list of symptoms and think that must be what they or a loved one has and then all this unneeded stress and misunderstanding arises.
Are there alcoholics not diagnosed with BPD? Most certainly. Could your husband have it? Possibly but diagnosing any mental illness is extremely difficult when the person is actively using or drinking, cannot be done indirectly by someone (even a clinician) without knowing the full history of a person. Then that history is backed up by reports from other professionals, etc etc and evaluated, the person is assessed and reassessed and it goes on and on for much of the person's adult life.
If you do think your husband has something clinical beyond the alcoholism, sadly unless he voluntarily accepts professional help to be evaluated, there is no way of knowing. I wish there were easy answers to why people do what they do, esp the alcoholic but it is better to (as others point out) reach a place of acceptance and healing for ourselves.
p.s. I asked the clinicians I work with if my RABF may have a mental illness and they told me the above. No way of knowing unless they work directly with him. They explained to me that although mental illness and alcoholism are often intertwined but are very separate areas of a person's overall mental health.
I only point this out because people often read a list of symptoms and think that must be what they or a loved one has and then all this unneeded stress and misunderstanding arises.
Are there alcoholics not diagnosed with BPD? Most certainly. Could your husband have it? Possibly but diagnosing any mental illness is extremely difficult when the person is actively using or drinking, cannot be done indirectly by someone (even a clinician) without knowing the full history of a person. Then that history is backed up by reports from other professionals, etc etc and evaluated, the person is assessed and reassessed and it goes on and on for much of the person's adult life.
If you do think your husband has something clinical beyond the alcoholism, sadly unless he voluntarily accepts professional help to be evaluated, there is no way of knowing. I wish there were easy answers to why people do what they do, esp the alcoholic but it is better to (as others point out) reach a place of acceptance and healing for ourselves.
p.s. I asked the clinicians I work with if my RABF may have a mental illness and they told me the above. No way of knowing unless they work directly with him. They explained to me that although mental illness and alcoholism are often intertwined but are very separate areas of a person's overall mental health.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Summerpeach,
Everyone here has been offering awesome stories, viewpoints and advice.
This had turned into an extremely helpful thread for me, and I think others here as well.
I am sorry that you are so defensive.
I don't think it's fair to take shots at people after you asked if they could relate to what you are going through in your process.
It is a crazy life. It is a crazy relationship.
It sounds like you are going through some crazy stuff with an imbalances person.
All true.
I hope you can take a step back and maybe re read the thread in a few days or a week. There is invaluable stuff here, and I didn't read where anyone wants to diminish the validity of your anger.
That anger is taking you somewhere like a wave.
Good luck in your continued recovery!
Everyone here has been offering awesome stories, viewpoints and advice.
This had turned into an extremely helpful thread for me, and I think others here as well.
I am sorry that you are so defensive.
I don't think it's fair to take shots at people after you asked if they could relate to what you are going through in your process.
It is a crazy life. It is a crazy relationship.
It sounds like you are going through some crazy stuff with an imbalances person.
All true.
I hope you can take a step back and maybe re read the thread in a few days or a week. There is invaluable stuff here, and I didn't read where anyone wants to diminish the validity of your anger.
That anger is taking you somewhere like a wave.
Good luck in your continued recovery!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
I've gotten a lot out of this thread, even though I started to read with one eye closed and my hand partly covering my face by page three.
At the risk of getting my head bitten off...
Anger binds us every bit as strongly to someone as compassion or love do. I remember being -furious- with my sister and talking to my counsellor about it some years ago. I was talking about how different we were then I vented a stream of abuse about her (not proud). My counsellor sat quietly as I let rip then said calmly "that's some bond you guys have, huh?"
I was pissed at the counsellor for even daring to suggest such a thing but she was right.
Anger was a powerful part of healing for me - it took me a long time to let myself feel angry at being mistreated. But being -that- angry at someone leaves you buffeted by those feelings every bit as much as "love" or anxiety over their disease (or disorder) do. It's like having a whole room in your head that you rent out to them, free of charge.
My XABF was allowed to occupy that space for a while when I was processing my anger. But ultimately, I didn't want him taking up the real estate. I stayed angry longer than I needed to because it made me feel like I was still "relating" to him, if not having a relationship.
I hope that this man who caused you so much pain doesn't even get a cupboard or a drawer some day Summerpeach. And I hope that you can read back on thsi thread and see that people were only trying to express their ESH.
Take what you like and leave the rest,
SL.
At the risk of getting my head bitten off...
Anger binds us every bit as strongly to someone as compassion or love do. I remember being -furious- with my sister and talking to my counsellor about it some years ago. I was talking about how different we were then I vented a stream of abuse about her (not proud). My counsellor sat quietly as I let rip then said calmly "that's some bond you guys have, huh?"
I was pissed at the counsellor for even daring to suggest such a thing but she was right.
Anger was a powerful part of healing for me - it took me a long time to let myself feel angry at being mistreated. But being -that- angry at someone leaves you buffeted by those feelings every bit as much as "love" or anxiety over their disease (or disorder) do. It's like having a whole room in your head that you rent out to them, free of charge.
My XABF was allowed to occupy that space for a while when I was processing my anger. But ultimately, I didn't want him taking up the real estate. I stayed angry longer than I needed to because it made me feel like I was still "relating" to him, if not having a relationship.
I hope that this man who caused you so much pain doesn't even get a cupboard or a drawer some day Summerpeach. And I hope that you can read back on thsi thread and see that people were only trying to express their ESH.
Take what you like and leave the rest,
SL.
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
most addicts have personality disorders and their addiction is only the symptom.
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
Part of healing is ALSO finally figuring out the other person, I did and now I am FREE!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
If only I had a dollar for every time my XABF told me he thought I was crazy or "bi-polar". I would hold my true feelings in for weeks on end about how much I hated him and hated what he was doing and how he was treating me, then out of the blue I would explode and unleash all my pent up anger on him. I guess in his crazy alcoholic mind that kind of behavior seemed "bi-polar" to him. If he only could look in a mirror once in awhile and examine HIS OWN BEHAVIOR maybe I wouln't have blown up periodically like that. I will never forget an email he wrote me after we broke up. It read "you can be a really great girl at times" AT TIMES!!! Are you kidding me? He can't even give a compliment without digging me in some way. He can think I am bi-polar til the cows come home because I know I'm not! I just have to laugh now because it must be a hard knock life for them being so far removed from reality day in and day out.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by duqld1717
I just have to laugh now because it must be a hard knock life for them being so far removed from reality day in and day out.
The only regret he ever mentions is he never had any children because all those women "killed" his kids. They had abortions--4 of them in all. Seems like that would tell him something.
The one child that he did have he has never seen and does not know AH is the dad. The mother was married and she and her husband raised the child. Good for the child I think.
Occasionally, I sense a tiny bit of sadness over his life, but it is only for a split second and then he goes back to his denial.
I think we hurt for them and what they are missing out on far more than they ever do.
For, if they saw what we saw, wouldn't their false reality be shattered?
Then they would have to change. My AH avoids any contact with any words or people who might suggest he is possibly wrong.
Thus cementing all of his beliefs once again.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I agree with passion fruit that they don't feel that they are doing any wrong in the world. For the most part A's are content with themselves. Their disease is acceptable to them.
What I meant when I said they must live a "hard knock life" is that do they not find it hard day in and day out to be in a world where most people CAN function WITHOUT alcohol? Or are they just in their own bubbles and don't recognize that we (non-A's) live in a completely different reality than they do?
What I meant when I said they must live a "hard knock life" is that do they not find it hard day in and day out to be in a world where most people CAN function WITHOUT alcohol? Or are they just in their own bubbles and don't recognize that we (non-A's) live in a completely different reality than they do?
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