Should i go back into the house?

Old 03-08-2011, 07:55 PM
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Should i go back into the house?


I'm dealing with a very hard decision and would welcome your opinions on the matter. The post is long and for that i apologize, but there was no other way to make a detailed assessment of the situation..

My father was an agressive alcoholic since i have memory of him. He kept getting worse and worse over the years, treating me poorly and my mother even worst. When i was 15 my parents finally divorced and my father left the house.

Shortly after, my mother started drinking due to the divorce (she loved him a lot, despite him being so mean to her). Since that time she had 3 internments in a clinic that treats people with alcoholism. Each internment lasted for three weeks, and she was not allowed to drink and had restricted contact with the outside world. Unfortunatly, those treatments never worked for her. I remember that the day she came out of her first treatment was my birthday; and in that same day i caught her drinking.

My life with my mother at home was frustrating. Because i had to deal with this problem every day (and apparently dealing with it since i can remember doesn't make it easier), i was always sad, upset and angry.. I never had a time out of the situation. I argued with her every day, and tiny things like her breathing or speaking under the influence of alcohol, her going against the walls, even her smell, those things easily aggravated me and made me nervous. I felt that no matter how much i tried i couldn't help arguing and screaming at her. I'm very lucky because i have always been a very optimist person and always having seen a brighter future up ahead, both for me and my mother.

Last year in January my mother started getting agressive with me and tried to beat me up a couple of times. This was coincidental with a very bad break-up on my part, so about that time i left the home. She was not left alone, because my grandmother had started living at home a couple months before.

So, now i'm 21 and living away from her, working and studying for my degree. I try to visit her in the weekend but it's always so painfull for me. I don't remember the last time i saw my mother sober.
I believe the distance is helping me deal with the situation, so i can be calmer when i am around her and she tries to aggravate me. She has become a very conflictuous person over the years and is very, very hard to deal with.
Most of the time i go to her place i get angry at her, although the distance allows me to better deal with the situation.

Personally, now i feel better overall. Being busy and focused on my objectives is helping me be happy, and despite my past.I can make myself feel good most of the time. I push myself away from this problem the most i can. Is not that i ignore my mother and my father's problem, but i finally got to the conclusion that living this problem every day would eventually destroy me. Also i stopped blaming myself for the problem, or for possibily having aggravated her drinking problem. I have a good, well organized life, and lucky to have some really good friends.

For my father's part, i honestly don't see any solution for him. Now he doesn't drink as much, but is still an alcoholic. Besides that, he has a bad gambling problem and is easily aggravated. He lives far away from me so the most i have to deal with him is the phone calls and occasionaly meeting up with him, like once or twice in a year.

I am much more worried for my mother at this time, because she's a much weaker person. Also, the fact that she already got treatment 3 times and never got well makes her situation a lot more scary.
So the problem now is that my Grandmother, who was living with her up until now, is very soon going to a retirement home (also fed up with living with my mother, of course) and my mom will be alone in the house. The though of something very bad happening to my mother while she's alone at the house is depriving me of sleep. Her condition only keeps getting worse and worse; and i fear for what may happen if she is left alone at her home. Solitude is a great catalyst for drinking. She was already found a couple of times passed out on the floor; and she was only lucky enough not to hit something with her head.

So part of me feels it is my duty to get back living with her, and make all efforts to get her treatment. She is my mother after all, and the only one i will ever get. I love her, or at least who she used to be, many years ago. I notice 2 years ago that her intelectual faculties were being affected, wich is notorious in her speech, phrase making and the way she acts. And when i think about this kind of thing, it saddens me to no end.
On the other side, I'm not even sure that me going back in the house is the best thing for her. It surely is the worst possible thing for me; that place is filled with so many harsh memories i spent so much time trying to forget. What is likely is if i go back, i will be able to deal with the situation for a couple of weeks, before it destroys me like it did the last time. That would surely be bad for me, even worse for her.

Regardless, the thought of leaving her alone makes me very sad and ressentfull. I have no idea what to do. I want my mother to get good. But it's not even clear for me that going back in is the best for her.

I would welcome any advice,

VictorHugo is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 08:11 PM
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Hi Victor, and Welcome to SR!!!!

I'm sorry to hear about what brings you here, but you have found a wonderful place! My "qualifier" is, well, several people, but not my parents.

What a wonderful thing that you have been able to move forward with your life!

There will be others along soon who have more experience dealing with alcoholic parents. There is also a forum specifically for adult children of alcoholics (ACoA) that can be found here:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Also, the stickies at the top of each forum contain a lot of great basic information. Please make yourself at home. Read a lot, and ask questions!

Hugs, HG
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:15 PM
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Should i go back into the house?
You asked a straightforward question, I will give you a straightforward answer.
Of course, the caveat is that this is just my opinion, and I have been wrong.
But my answer is NO.

You have no responsibility for your mother's choices.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:18 PM
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Victor, ultimately you have to do what you are most comfortable with.

That said, right now you have peace and serenity because you are no longer actively involved in the situation.
I would think long and hard before giving that up, because it is difficult to regain.

I am not sure which country you live in, but many places have special services for elderly, that will check in on them and make sure they are okay.
This includes those with addiction issues.
I do not have much experience with this, I have only seen them mentioned by others, so I will step aside now and let those more knowledgeable people comment further on that topic.

I believe I should also post the 3C's:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
You will not be able to cure your mother's drinking problem, no matter how much effort you put into it, no matter how many rehabs she attends.
She cannot find recovery unless she is the one looking for it.

You are in the right place.
You are not alone.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:35 PM
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It can be your lifeline and help you cope without actually being sucked in.
Trust me, it can change your life for the better....I know!
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:23 AM
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It's natural to want to protect her, but you can't babysit her 24/7 and continue with your studies and work.

I, too, suggest some Al-Anon meetings.

Have you suggested to your mom that she try to get some help for her drinking? You can tell her that you love her and want her to enjoy her life, but that you fear it is going to be cut short by her continuing to drink. You can tell her you're worried about her.

That's about all you can do. You could offer to go with her to an AA meeting if she decides she wants to go. Beyond that, it's really up to her to WANT to change.

Hugs, I think it's great that you are doing such healthy things for yourself. Add a little Al-Anon to the mix, and you will be unstoppable!
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