My Inner Demons
 

Today is not a good day for me.My ABF went to see a shrink and came home with RX for Xanax,Seroquel,and Kolonopin. WTF. So now on top of booze I have this to deal with. Thats not why I am posting though. I have had these thoughts of him dying from the combination and God forgive me,but I see it as a way out.How sick is that.I even fantasized about adding a few more to his drink.
Has anyone else ever thought of this or am I a real whack job from all the years of abuse? Also what is up with shrinks? Can't they read signs of Rx abuse? I mean come on. I have been stepping over him (he's passed out in the middle of the living room floor) all day and I am so very angry I keep thinking,die you SOB. Help!!!

Good God. I am so sorry. Fing doctors!

Instead of wishing for him to die (I know you don't really, really mean that), why not just leave? You aren't married to him, so it's a lot more simple than if you had to go through divorce.

It just seems to me that if we've reached a point where we find ourselves secretly thinking that we'd be free if he died, that it's time to find other, less drastic ways to get out.

suki is right.

Time to take action--wishing for his death because it would relieve you of the need to take action is understandable, but you can leave.

I have had some awful thoughts and hated myself for it.

Now he is living elsewhere because I made a choice to support myself and my son and I dont think things like that anymore.

Now I wish him health.

Yeah the logical thing to do is leave,but it's not that black and white.We are a gay couple and I made the awful mistake of adding him to my deed.So without legal recourse I would have to leave my home of 28 years,that I paid for. Maybe I'm not right in the head but I am not willing to do that. Why should I leave MY home? He won't sign off or leave so whats my options? I know I have alot to learn and am trying but on this issue I have problems.
Not only did I lose my high paying job three years ago (due to the economy) I really would have hardship leaving my home. Factor in my age and a lousy job now and I feel trapped.
I know I'm not married but have a whole set of other legal roadblocks in my way.I guess I was just wanting confimation that I was not alone in having these thoughts.If I am being honest here also it kind of makes me feel stupid when people tell others to just leave.Easier said then done.Also if everyone just left there would not be much need for forums.
I feel like a idiot

Assuming you aren't married to him, you most likely own the house as tenants in common. Has he contributed at all to the house, or was putting his name on it a gift?

I suggest you contact a lawyer to find out what your rights are. Depending on the circumstances, you might be able to extricate yourself and keep the house.

Talking to a lawyer doesn't commit you to anything. It does help, though, to know what your options might be.

Have you ever talked to your partner about what would happen with the house if you wanted to split up? Would he be amenable to a financial settlement to give up the house? Just things to think about...

Incidentally, I wasn't trying to be blithe about how easy it is to leave. Just observing that if things are so bad you are wishing the other person would die, it might be time to start considering how that might be accomplished. It sounds pretty miserable.

Hey, Selman. 1st: You are not an idiot. (Repeat, repeat, repeat.) Next: You're not crazy and you're not alone.

XAH lied to me about having cancer after I left him. When he told me, I believed him. When he started pulling more manipulative cr-p, I really wished he would just hurry up and die so none of us would have to put up with him any more: his lies, his drinking, his blaming, his abuse, his nasty attitude, his venom.

Turns out he didn't have cancer and I still wished he would die, because who the f- lies about having terminal cancer?! He now (for the time being) has a job up on the slope and I've caught myself singing a little song in my mind "May he find warmth in the belly of a Great Polar Bear..." la, la, la, la, la, as I filled out the old taxes that he didn't turn in and just told me about, as I try to figure out how to pay for DS's daycare this summer....

So here are my thoughts about my anger at XAH: OK. I'm spending far too much time focusing on him, but my feelings are my feelings. I have every right to be angry about the way he has treated and continues to treat me and DS; I have every right to be angry about the years of abuse and darkness I lived through at his side; I have every right to feel conflicted about having loved a man who could hurt me emotionally and intimately the way he did. I have every right to be hurt and wish for the Universe, or HP, or Karma, to rain a pestilence down on him. I have every right to feel a little joy when HP shows me by way of insurance EOB that XAH was 'blessed' with a painful condition in his private area a year after lying about having cancer there. I know that I will never act on my anger at him to try to bring about retribution because 1. I don't want to be like him and 2. that is just not who I am.

But I have every right to feel my feelings and try to work through them.

Yep. So I acknowledge I have a right to feel this way. I acknowledge that I need to find a way to move past it in order to live a full life. Some day I may get there. But today, I need it to start to heal.

Wishing you strength and peace.

You're not an idiot! :hug:

I know that feeling of being trapped.

Can you contact an attorney for a consultation?

Be gentle with yourself, okay? :)

I remember thinking one morning after one of AH's benders: If he's going to drink himself to death, why can't he just hurry up and get it over with?

I've also had other unworthy thoughts. It is what it is. But going to Al-anon helps me to accept myself and get some positive thoughts in my head.

Hugs to you.

Mine was always talking about how, "I'm dying, but you don't care! You still won't help me, and once I'm gone you'll be sorry!"

I'll confess I started thinking in my head, "I do care! Why don't you hurry it up a little!"

That's what I started to think that maybe I had had enough.

You're not an idiot and you're not crazy.. you want out, an end to the madness and that (wishing him gone) is the easiest way. Your mind is just processing how you feel.. please don't beat yourself up about it... you're just human.

I agree with contacting a lawyer.. getting advice does not commit you to anything and learning your options gives you a little power back.

Tx

Um, I just re-read that, and realized how it sounds. I was suggesting considering how LEAVING might be accomplished, not how his death might be accomplished.

Sheesh.

Um...I used to wish XAh would kick the bucket all.the.time.

It was just an indication of how toxic our marriage was.

My only suggestion: consult lawyerS. Yes, more than one. You need geographically pertinent legal advice on how to extricate yourself from this situation. There is probably a way, and it may cost you some mula, but you can make more mula...getting your sanity back is priceless.

Get informed and then you can examine your options.

When I married my XAH I had my house put in both of our names. My attorney, who knows me very well, advised against it. But I loved him and never imagined that I would end up divorced. After the alcoholism became insane I had the attorney put it back in my name and my XAH signed it. He didn't ask me to do it in the first place, I had just wanted to. I am thankful that he signed it. He didn't care about my lovely place, all he cared about was alcohol. I can understand how you feel.

All I can think of is to go to an attorney that specializes in gay relationships. I'm sure that you are not the first with this problem and you will at least have an idea what your options are.

Selman...
I wrote that I got my RAH out of the house...
It took 20 years of crap for me to do it.

No judgement.
And yes, I have thought awful awful things in order to fantasize my way out of he'll for a few minutes.

Keep posting

my first thought though was "life insurance"...i mean if he's he%% bent on killing himself you may as well be financially taken care of while your dealing w/ the after affects. It was wrong...I'm sorry.

I agree. A lawyer and a therapist should be your priority.
Big hugs...
Unfortunately...Dr's sometimes don't do the right thing...and sometimes they do what they THINK is right based on the assessment and pt history...which if your not honest..well what can he do? guess? I doubt your A was honest about his Alcoholism...he wouldn't have prescribed those if he were. Too big of a liability to give those meds to an Alcoholic.
You may want to leave the dr a message too. He won't talk to you...HIPPA and all that legal confidentiality...but he might like to know that he put his license on the line and is risking a lawsuit should something happen. He'll at the very least prob. not renew the Rx's.

I think negative thoughts of this nature are pretty common when going through this type of STRESSFUL situation. There must be some release of stress with the fantasy of the death of an abusive partner. Not sure. All I can say is I've had the same thoughts over the years about my AH and I never once acted on them. They are just thoughts.

I agree you should talk to a lawyer that specializes in gay relationships. You should by no means lose YOUR home.

Starcat.. I completely related to your post

Sorry, I meant 10 years, not 20!!

Hi Selman -

I understand your thought
and I also understand that
it's horrific to think of something
thats so awful at the same time.

That's probably why it's not often talked about.

It's more like a flash of a thought
not something dwelled on.
Or even moved into the front of the mind.

But it's there.

I understand.

I also agree with Suki.

When that 'thing' decides to show itself
no matter how foreign
or far in the back of the mind it is -

it's a clear indicator that things must change.

I actually think it's kinda brave
to mention it.

I understand.

I'm so glad for this post. These thoughts do seem pretty common.

My AH just got put on blood pressure med. and every night I have to say "take your meds"
Well last night he said "seems like you want me to stick around."
To which I replied, "not really, I just want you healthy while you are here."

Sending you big hugs Selman

:lmao: :headbange I know my nearly 10 year marriage feels a_L_O_T more like 20 here.

How are you doing today, Selman?

Thank you all so much for all the support.I think I just really wanted to know I wasn't the only one to think these kind of thoughts.I felt like a monster thinking them.
Today I'm better even tho last night he was quacking and I was detaching and he told me he would "cut my throat while I slept" I didn't sleep all that well.I contacted a lawyer today.I am going to Philadelphia to see one about a 4 hour trip but the lawyer specializes in gay issues.
I think one of the things that hurts me so much is being in a same sex relationship was we have no legal rights and my line of thinking was if anything ever happened to me,he would be taken care off.That thought has sailed,needless to say and I am ready to just get rid of him.
It's hard to think sommething we did out of love and concern comes back to bite you in the arse. It's also very hard for me in my mind to see past the chaos.
I also think I was in a fog thinking I was different (being gay) and the outcome of addiction was going to be different for me.I have come to realize that with addiction no one is really different.I still struggle with owning whats mine,but have given myself time............ Today.
Again thanks to all

My AH has a common drunken diatribe: "You're waiting for me to die so you can go marry a [insert any stereotype other than WASP] man."

That actually helped give me the impetus to leave, because I don't want him to die, BUT I know he's its hard live my life with his drinking hanging in the balance. Maybe I was thinking "if I didn't have to put up with..." That very thought seemed disrespectful to him. His taunting was macabre.

So I left, thinking to myself, "No, I don't have to wait for you to die to do anything. I can do what's right for me right now."

Selman, thanks for posting. I think a lot of us recognize the desperation that drives thoughts like yours.

Selman, wishing you clarity, peace and continued strength. Will you think about doing something else? Please mention to the lawyer the throat-cutting comment from your SO and talk about a protective order? Please stay safe, my friend.

selman, we all thought we were different in some way, shape, or form. Again, you are not alone in your thoughts. I would be lying if I hadn't thought and wished my RAH dead on occasion. I did scream "I hate you" at him repeatedly - not a behavior I am very proud of after the fact.

Much of what I did for love has come back to bite me in the arse. I am dealing with those things one step at a time. I just bought my own house. I am taking inventory of the furniture I need to replace now that I gave all of my stuff away, I am working each day to take care of my kids who are affected by this, and so on. All of us here have arse bites. I love that word, btw. Arse. Ha ha!

Al-Anon can help you; please consider meetings if you haven't already. There's one participant in my group who, every meeting, announces to each of us with full eye contact, that he loves and accepts us, God loves and accepts us, and we are all ok. The first time I heard that I was a little taken back - wow that was really cheesy dude. Now five meetings later, I hug him for it. This week, this stranger is the only person who has actually told me they love me. That's what I get from the meetings, on top of guidance... acceptance.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way today. Hang in there.

Freaky story . . .

My wife fell down our basement stairs when drunk, and she hit her head and broke an artery in her brain. I found her perhaps 10-15 minutes later. She was face down, eyes OPEN, not moving, speaking, nothing.

I figured out she was alive and I helped her to the couch. She was totally messed up but I figured she was just wasted on vodka. I didn't realize that she was extremely close to death. I called a rehab hospital to see if they had a bed available. I called my mother and said I was going to take AW to rehab, this was going to be my excuse for a very long overdue intervention.

Then I went back to check on her, and she was basically DEAD. I called 911, they came and couldn't revive her! They took her to the hospital and she had emergency brain surgery. 38 days later she check out good as new. Yes, clean of alcohol, smiling, beautiful, all of her memory and ability, weakened but healed.

2 yrs 3 months later she started drinking again and it all went to hell. Now I am getting a divorce.

The reason I share all this, I have wondered many times along the way, what if I just left her there on the couch to take a long nap? She would have died. I think about that and in weaker moments ("demons"?), I think life might have been better if she just died.

That is so horrible, but it just goes to show you how desperate and crazy a person can get living with an alcoholic. Everyone gets really, really screwed up -- I know I did.

Me too. Not only that, I also imagined many different ways of killing him myself. And when he was not around I imagined where I wanted him to be. (Not great places...). Now in therapy I visualize telling him what I have really wanted to say and killing him in various horrible forms. All that anger can be channeled to help us move forward. And to take actions to protect ourselves.

You are not alone. Please listen to the advice already given. Stay safe selman and let us know how you are doing.