My Inner Demons

Old 03-09-2011, 11:39 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Sorry, I meant 10 years, not 20!!
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Old 03-09-2011, 11:51 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
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Hi Selman -

I understand your thought
and I also understand that
it's horrific to think of something
thats so awful at the same time.

That's probably why it's not often talked about.

It's more like a flash of a thought
not something dwelled on.
Or even moved into the front of the mind.

But it's there.

I understand.

I also agree with Suki.

When that 'thing' decides to show itself
no matter how foreign
or far in the back of the mind it is -

it's a clear indicator that things must change.

I actually think it's kinda brave
to mention it.

I understand.
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Old 03-09-2011, 12:14 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I'm so glad for this post. These thoughts do seem pretty common.

My AH just got put on blood pressure med. and every night I have to say "take your meds"
Well last night he said "seems like you want me to stick around."
To which I replied, "not really, I just want you healthy while you are here."

Sending you big hugs Selman
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Old 03-09-2011, 12:42 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
Sorry, I meant 10 years, not 20!!
I know my nearly 10 year marriage feels a_L_O_T more like 20 here.

How are you doing today, Selman?
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:54 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Thank you all so much for all the support.I think I just really wanted to know I wasn't the only one to think these kind of thoughts.I felt like a monster thinking them.
Today I'm better even tho last night he was quacking and I was detaching and he told me he would "cut my throat while I slept" I didn't sleep all that well.I contacted a lawyer today.I am going to Philadelphia to see one about a 4 hour trip but the lawyer specializes in gay issues.
I think one of the things that hurts me so much is being in a same sex relationship was we have no legal rights and my line of thinking was if anything ever happened to me,he would be taken care off.That thought has sailed,needless to say and I am ready to just get rid of him.
It's hard to think sommething we did out of love and concern comes back to bite you in the arse. It's also very hard for me in my mind to see past the chaos.
I also think I was in a fog thinking I was different (being gay) and the outcome of addiction was going to be different for me.I have come to realize that with addiction no one is really different.I still struggle with owning whats mine,but have given myself time............ Today.
Again thanks to all
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:16 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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My AH has a common drunken diatribe: "You're waiting for me to die so you can go marry a [insert any stereotype other than WASP] man."

That actually helped give me the impetus to leave, because I don't want him to die, BUT I know he's its hard live my life with his drinking hanging in the balance. Maybe I was thinking "if I didn't have to put up with..." That very thought seemed disrespectful to him. His taunting was macabre.

So I left, thinking to myself, "No, I don't have to wait for you to die to do anything. I can do what's right for me right now."

Selman, thanks for posting. I think a lot of us recognize the desperation that drives thoughts like yours.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:36 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Selman, wishing you clarity, peace and continued strength. Will you think about doing something else? Please mention to the lawyer the throat-cutting comment from your SO and talk about a protective order? Please stay safe, my friend.
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Old 03-09-2011, 03:09 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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selman, we all thought we were different in some way, shape, or form. Again, you are not alone in your thoughts. I would be lying if I hadn't thought and wished my RAH dead on occasion. I did scream "I hate you" at him repeatedly - not a behavior I am very proud of after the fact.

Much of what I did for love has come back to bite me in the arse. I am dealing with those things one step at a time. I just bought my own house. I am taking inventory of the furniture I need to replace now that I gave all of my stuff away, I am working each day to take care of my kids who are affected by this, and so on. All of us here have arse bites. I love that word, btw. Arse. Ha ha!

Al-Anon can help you; please consider meetings if you haven't already. There's one participant in my group who, every meeting, announces to each of us with full eye contact, that he loves and accepts us, God loves and accepts us, and we are all ok. The first time I heard that I was a little taken back - wow that was really cheesy dude. Now five meetings later, I hug him for it. This week, this stranger is the only person who has actually told me they love me. That's what I get from the meetings, on top of guidance... acceptance.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way today. Hang in there.
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Old 03-09-2011, 03:54 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Lord Have Mercy
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Freaky story . . .

My wife fell down our basement stairs when drunk, and she hit her head and broke an artery in her brain. I found her perhaps 10-15 minutes later. She was face down, eyes OPEN, not moving, speaking, nothing.

I figured out she was alive and I helped her to the couch. She was totally messed up but I figured she was just wasted on vodka. I didn't realize that she was extremely close to death. I called a rehab hospital to see if they had a bed available. I called my mother and said I was going to take AW to rehab, this was going to be my excuse for a very long overdue intervention.

Then I went back to check on her, and she was basically DEAD. I called 911, they came and couldn't revive her! They took her to the hospital and she had emergency brain surgery. 38 days later she check out good as new. Yes, clean of alcohol, smiling, beautiful, all of her memory and ability, weakened but healed.

2 yrs 3 months later she started drinking again and it all went to hell. Now I am getting a divorce.

The reason I share all this, I have wondered many times along the way, what if I just left her there on the couch to take a long nap? She would have died. I think about that and in weaker moments ("demons"?), I think life might have been better if she just died.

That is so horrible, but it just goes to show you how desperate and crazy a person can get living with an alcoholic. Everyone gets really, really screwed up -- I know I did.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:07 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
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Me too. Not only that, I also imagined many different ways of killing him myself. And when he was not around I imagined where I wanted him to be. (Not great places...). Now in therapy I visualize telling him what I have really wanted to say and killing him in various horrible forms. All that anger can be channeled to help us move forward. And to take actions to protect ourselves.

You are not alone. Please listen to the advice already given. Stay safe selman and let us know how you are doing.
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