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Old 03-08-2011, 09:56 AM
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Newbie here...

Hi Im new to this website, new to Alanon, newly divorced from AH, new to starting over in life with 2 kids.
I was married to a A for 6 years, together for 7. We just divorced 6months ago. I guess I thought since divorcing all my problems with him were over. I realize now Im wrong. Feels like were still married, dealing with the same ****** (can I cuss on here?lol) attitudes but now just in separate households. Hes texts/calls multiple times a day.Says he thinks hes better then before, doesnt think we had good enough reason to divorce that we should of worked it out. Granted before divorcing I had left him 2x's before this. Recently I the bad mom again cuz over the wkend I refused to go to a movie with him and the kids. It was his wkend with them; they never went to movie. Later I find out he told my 12yr old daughter (his step daughter) that they didnt go because I wouldnt go. THere is alot of history here that I am skipping over but I guess thats a start..for me to start talking about everything. He likes playing a lot of mind games, and is controling. ALot of ppl think I was nuts divorcing him because he holds a job..over 18yrs. Isnt the typical stumbling drunk, you wouldnt even know he was drinking. I do cuz hes like jekyl and hyde. He doesnt go to bars, on the outside he seems the perfect husband which I think has made things so much harder.
Anyway...lol. Im new here. Not sure what Im doing but I do read alot of the posts and see Alot of the same situations as mine.
Thanks for listening..
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Old 03-08-2011, 10:22 AM
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Welcome, glad you're here with us.

Nope, divorcing doesn't solve all your problems (especially if you have kids), but at least you aren't locked into the daily craziness of immediate proximity.

How many kids do you have in common with this guy? Does your 12-y/o WANT weekends with him? (I can imagine wanting to be with her sibling(s)). How old are they?

You might start by requesting that he contact you ONLY if it concerns the children. Of course, he could probably still manage to find a reason why he HAS to, for that "reason" every day, but the second it strays off course you could end the conversation.

Just a thought. Glad you are going to Al-Anon, too.
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Old 03-08-2011, 10:31 AM
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We have a 4yr old son together, my daughter goes over there to see her friends in the neighborhood. Not to spend time with him. Maybe its not good but I feel better with her there to keep an eye on her brother. She ends up babysitting alot. I worry in the summer too cuz there is a pool there and I dont trust my X. I think I need to learn to "detach"? Ive told him there is no reason for us to talk unless its regarding the kids but he doesnt listen. I dont answer when he calls but when he texts its hard not to, then once I see what he wrote I get so made it seems I cant help but write back. The other night I refused to answer when he called so he said he was coming over, so I textd back telling him not to, Id call the police etcc.. he just kept sending a text on how close he was ( we live 30min apart) well, it was just a game. He never did come over but it kept me on edge all night, listening as every car drove by, had the police dept # on speed dial. I am pissed. I know it was a mind game and a way to still be controlling, ya he controlled my emotions the whole night. I dont know how Not to talk to him. Ive told him Id be better off if he was dead. Is that awful or what? then I feel bad cuz how would I feel if someone talked to me like that? He says hes constantly crying and still loves me etc..even though he has a gf.
I hate this, I dont want this crap in my life anymore.
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:00 AM
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Under the circumstances, I see why your 12 y/o wants to go, but it's kinda awkward to make her responsible for her little brother's well-being. Is the family court aware of the alcohol problem?

Detachment takes practice. You'll get the hang of it. Stick around here and keep going to Al-Anon.

There's a saying I like, that goes, "don't take the bait." He knows how to push your buttons to get you to engage with him. You have to start recognizing the bait, and learn not to take it. Just because he texts you something mean or hateful does NOT mean you have to respond to it.

If it is too hard not to respond, then simply respond, "I'm not responding to that." And then just keep repeating that. Much better than getting into an argument. It gets TIRESOME for him to keep firing little salvos when the only response he gets is "I'm not responding to that."
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