sort of fearful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
sort of fearful
I'm scared of him! (exSA, were separated but living in the same house) I feel like I am trying to reassure myself that, "Nah, he wouldn't do anything physical to harm me or the kids." I've been reading the "Why does he do that?" and the leaving safely part I am reading now is sort of scary because you never know what they are going to do! He is REALLY on edge and his moods are most of the time quiet, and nice-but when something I say or do irks him he just flies off the handle!
Probably not the greatest idea to read that book in the same room as him, I got the comment from him, "Why are you reading this book that is supposed to be about ME when you keep saying you are trying to focus on yourself? That book is a bunch of crap they are shoving in your head, I am not abusive and I have all these people friends and family to back me up so I can show the judge that I don't need supervised visits with my kids."
That all started because when we were putting the kids to bed my daughter was crying she was scared and needed her bear, but then was still crying. I went to get her bear and come back and it seemed as though exA was about to rage on her or something so I called him out and said, "what was that? what are you doing?" He said, "I was trying to help her up so she could get her own bear." I don't know, then he got pissed-stormed off that he needed a discussion with me that I don't need to say anything about his parenting.
Then comes the discussion about the book and that I am just to "sensitive" and no one is going to ever think I am a bad person...quack quack and more quacking I tried to not even listen. It ended with him asking when I am leaving and he can't wait for me to leave.
I guess I am just scared, like a gut feeling of being scared of the possibilites. They are so young and I am always scared he is going to pull a "don't tell mommy..." So fearful...
I am hoping we (kid and I) can escape to my parents for the weekend, actually not just hoping but that is what we are doing since he has no control and I don't need his gosh dang permission because I know the answer he would give me is NO.
Had to edit for one more thing: along with getting mad about the book I read, he said that the "people I talk to online are probably serial killers and don't have any clue what they are talking about-you never know who you talk to on that thing." This is the comment I get a handful of times, which is all included in with his opinion that i spend to much time on the computer...When he thought I was cheating (well when does he not think I am cheating) but, when I thought I needed to make sure I tell him why I am using the computer this Al-anon- F&F board was one of the things that came up so of course yeah, it is making me healthy, so he thinks it's trash.
Probably not the greatest idea to read that book in the same room as him, I got the comment from him, "Why are you reading this book that is supposed to be about ME when you keep saying you are trying to focus on yourself? That book is a bunch of crap they are shoving in your head, I am not abusive and I have all these people friends and family to back me up so I can show the judge that I don't need supervised visits with my kids."
That all started because when we were putting the kids to bed my daughter was crying she was scared and needed her bear, but then was still crying. I went to get her bear and come back and it seemed as though exA was about to rage on her or something so I called him out and said, "what was that? what are you doing?" He said, "I was trying to help her up so she could get her own bear." I don't know, then he got pissed-stormed off that he needed a discussion with me that I don't need to say anything about his parenting.
Then comes the discussion about the book and that I am just to "sensitive" and no one is going to ever think I am a bad person...quack quack and more quacking I tried to not even listen. It ended with him asking when I am leaving and he can't wait for me to leave.
I guess I am just scared, like a gut feeling of being scared of the possibilites. They are so young and I am always scared he is going to pull a "don't tell mommy..." So fearful...
I am hoping we (kid and I) can escape to my parents for the weekend, actually not just hoping but that is what we are doing since he has no control and I don't need his gosh dang permission because I know the answer he would give me is NO.
Had to edit for one more thing: along with getting mad about the book I read, he said that the "people I talk to online are probably serial killers and don't have any clue what they are talking about-you never know who you talk to on that thing." This is the comment I get a handful of times, which is all included in with his opinion that i spend to much time on the computer...When he thought I was cheating (well when does he not think I am cheating) but, when I thought I needed to make sure I tell him why I am using the computer this Al-anon- F&F board was one of the things that came up so of course yeah, it is making me healthy, so he thinks it's trash.
Last edited by LS2; 03-07-2011 at 08:42 PM. Reason: one more thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 50
Hi L,
Sounds like he is without a doubt abusive. Do you have a plan for leaving? How quickly can it happen, for you and your kids?
Your instinct is right, and if you are scared of him for yourself and for your children, you should get out ASAP. Any threats he makes have the potential to become real. And you and your kids deserve much better than that.
Sounds like he is without a doubt abusive. Do you have a plan for leaving? How quickly can it happen, for you and your kids?
Your instinct is right, and if you are scared of him for yourself and for your children, you should get out ASAP. Any threats he makes have the potential to become real. And you and your kids deserve much better than that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd be VERY careful about what you post here. These are public forums and anyone can read what is posted. Does he know about this site? If he knows your user name, you could always pm one of the mods to change your name for you. You can also clear your browser's cache each time you log off and make sure that you aren't leaving traces, if you think he might be checking up on you.
I'd also be careful about what you read around him. Seriously. He's already commenting, and it's clear he feels threatened by it.
Incidentally, I'm not a serial killer.
They are generally much more organized than I am.
I'd also be careful about what you read around him. Seriously. He's already commenting, and it's clear he feels threatened by it.
Incidentally, I'm not a serial killer.
They are generally much more organized than I am.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
The tiger is showing you his stripes. I would definetely not be reading the book in front of him. I wouldn't bother debating with him about whether or not he's being abusive either.
If it doesn't feel right to you... it's not right. Trust your gut.
Get your safety plan together and start figuring out how you are going to get out of the situation more permanently.
P.S I'm not a serial killer either. I'm an engineer.
If it doesn't feel right to you... it's not right. Trust your gut.
Get your safety plan together and start figuring out how you are going to get out of the situation more permanently.
P.S I'm not a serial killer either. I'm an engineer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Incidentally, I'm not a serial killer. They are generally much more organized than I am.
Does that make me one?Interesting that he mentions serial killers online.
Usually, we interwebs savvy people just accuse each other of not having a life, and living in our mom's basement. Not being serial killers, that is over the top.
Trolls, little monsters who live under a bridge.
I think he is getting concerned about you LS2. I hope you are making plans and keeping a low profile. That is exactly what I would do. Avoid all confrontations, he sounds volatile and extremely touchy.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
I understand completely
how you feel........sort of fearful.
I felt like this could not be real.
I felt almost embarrassed to even say anything outloud to anyone because I didn't want people thinking I was feeling sorry for myself!
I thought in the beginning it was my fault. Or at least partially my fault.
I hid it from everyone for 2 long years.
You gotta find your own way.
Believe in your feelings. Trust them. They are true and okay for you to feel and have.
Letting the world in is probably your first step.
It's easy to isolate yourself due to shame.
My AH had a fit about the book as well. Psycho-babble, as he put it. He says everything he can to keep me away from alanon, reading, growing...
He knows this will be the change in our relationship one way or another.
He is no longer in control of me when I am in control of me.
So
quietly stick to your reading, and learning, and your gut feelings.
go to alanon if you can swing it.
We are here to listen!! Keep us up to date!
I felt like this could not be real.
I felt almost embarrassed to even say anything outloud to anyone because I didn't want people thinking I was feeling sorry for myself!
I thought in the beginning it was my fault. Or at least partially my fault.
I hid it from everyone for 2 long years.
You gotta find your own way.
Believe in your feelings. Trust them. They are true and okay for you to feel and have.
Letting the world in is probably your first step.
It's easy to isolate yourself due to shame.
My AH had a fit about the book as well. Psycho-babble, as he put it. He says everything he can to keep me away from alanon, reading, growing...
He knows this will be the change in our relationship one way or another.
He is no longer in control of me when I am in control of me.
So
quietly stick to your reading, and learning, and your gut feelings.
go to alanon if you can swing it.
We are here to listen!! Keep us up to date!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Oprah, as you know, is very wise, and she can pay lots of wise people to think of wise things that she doesn't think of.
Oprah says, "Trust your gut." and "Listen to that little voice in your head."
Neither I nor Oprah are serial killers. If Oprah was, The National Inquirer would have broken the story.
Read your "psychobabble", "crap" and "trash" privately.
Big hugs from a sympathetic cyberbuddy who has not even thought of killing multiple people.
Oprah says, "Trust your gut." and "Listen to that little voice in your head."
Neither I nor Oprah are serial killers. If Oprah was, The National Inquirer would have broken the story.
Read your "psychobabble", "crap" and "trash" privately.
Big hugs from a sympathetic cyberbuddy who has not even thought of killing multiple people.
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