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I hate to love "her"

Old 03-07-2011, 03:05 PM
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I hate to love "her"

At the moment i am really trying to keep my stress levels down. I recently think i had a nervous breakdown and i was in a dark place. As of now im feeling okay but i cant deal with my mum.

She has sooooo many problems and who does she come crying to - me. I cant sort out her problems and nor should i have to. My anger has always been an issue for me. I can go from 0 to bi*ch in seconds. I dont want to get angry but she makes me so angry and guilty.

I have injured myself on many occasions because of her. She and my dad has recently seperated and she doesnt live with me anymore - thank god - but she still has her ways of getting to me. She has mentally damaged me for the rest of my life and dont know how much more i can handle. She has a million and one issues and she brings me into them.

I do my best for her, but i cant do anything more. Just there a few mins ago she has made me smash my phone of the wall and throw everything around my room (which i had just cleaned). Its not that she was giving me abuse or anything, she is so fustrating. I have tryed to deal with her in a way that will help myself but the littlest of things can set me off.

The phone call earlier was about her car, she wants to sell it (as she is banned from driving). What the f**k can i physically do about it. I dont know how to do anything about it...who does she think i am...someone who she can call on to listen to her problems.

As much as i love my mum and she loves me, are relationship is not the same. I dont even want to go and visit her anymore as its not worth sitting there and listening to the same sh*t over and over and over again. Talking to her is like talking to a fish. You give her your advice and she asks to same question within the next 5 mins.....thats if your lucky enough to catch her when she not drinking. Im not even going to go into if she was drinking as ill only be writing for the rest of the night!

I cant cut her out of my life, as she is a danger to herself. She is also depressed and i dont know what she is capable of doing. Because she lives on her own and she is lonely i feel sorry for her but all i can do is listen to her and give her my opionion and advice.....but yet its never enough.

She is my mum and she always will be wether i like it or not. But im her daughter but the roles feel reversed. Im looking out for her and i cant take much more. I understand it good to talk about problems - but her problems are too much for me. Im afraid shes going to damage me more than i already am. And i know that my little sis is having to deal with the same sh*t i am...but my sis is 4 years younger than me and is not as strong as me. I am not that strong (i give the impression i am, but on the inside i am weak and vunurable), so with my sister i cant bare to think my mum is ruining her life too. She knows my sister will visit her, even if shes drinking, abusive, dangerous (to herself and others) etc. and my mum plays on this.

I love my little sister to bits and i try to mother her as her "real" mother is not fulfilling that role. I have a huge burden to carry......i am the mother in the household. I have to attend to the cooking, cleaning etc. and the mental state i am in i cant handle much more of this. My childhood was taken away and now the 20's are having to pick up the pieces my mother left us.

I did not sign up for this. I have my own problems and cant afford to be taking on my mums too. I really do try be there for her, i am there for her and she knows this. Im just really really really angry and have to vent.

Sorry this i quite long. Im not even bothered if anyone reads this i just need to let steam off as im still quite angry (and dont want to break anymore fingers, toes, wrists and anckles over her). FML
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:40 PM
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Hi, CheekyAngel. Sending hugs.

Originally Posted by CheekyAngel View Post
She has a million and one issues and she brings me into them.

I do my best for her, but i cant do anything more. [...]

I cant cut her out of my life, as she is a danger to herself. She is also depressed and i dont know what she is capable of doing. Because she lives on her own and she is lonely i feel sorry for her but all i can do is listen to her and give her my opionion and advice.....but yet its never enough.
It was really hard for me to see with XAH, I can only imagine how hard it would be with an AM, but as you noted above, there is only so much support you can offer her. I could tell XAH over and over and over and over again (in fact, I did) how his drinking was affecting his family. I could tell him over and over again that it would be best for him to stop drinking, to go to AA, to go get treatment. IF he was in a good mood, or literally only had had a few, he would nod his head and agree. (If he wasn't in a good mood, or had more than a couple, the response was completely different.) But it was just a nod to get me to be quiet so he could drink more. My opinion and advice never helped him realize he needed help.

Short of it is, helping XAH wasn't my responsibility. It felt like it, but it's not. My responsibility is to take care of myself and DS. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself. If your younger sister wants help, and you're able to give it, that would be lovely. However, if you're not in a spot where you can, it's not your responsibility to take all of that weight either. If you can't give exactly the help that she needs, you can still help by telling her who she can go to for help (her counselors at school, AlaTeen....)

It helped me a lot to make lists of what XAH, and then what DS and I, needed, with columns: Realistically, can I take care of this need? (Y or N) If Y, how? If N, LET IT GO or who can help? Caveat, the 'who can help' was related to me and DS (an example: Pay for DS's pre-school. Can I do this on my own? No, not entirely. Who can help? The school, if I apply for a tuition adjustment). It was/is not my responsibility to find help for XAH.

I found the book "Letting Go With Love" by Julia H. to be incredibly helpful in detaching from XAH's craziness.

I'm glad you're coming here to let it all out, CheekyAngel.
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:59 PM
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I cant cut her out of my life, as she is a danger to herself. She is also depressed and i dont know what she is capable of doing. Because she lives on her own and she is lonely
Many times, far too many times, the child becomes the parent these days. However, there is something I found out, we don't have to 'accept' the role.

Most states, no I believe all the states have section of the state government called "Adult Protection Services" or something along those lines. It is filled with social workers and such that do 'wellness checks' on adults with problems (including alcoholism) that are living alone and then the Social Worker becomes their 'case worker' and their 'contact' and gets them 'what help they can' be it someone that comes in daily for a few hours, counseling, etc.

You do not have to take on the role. Please find yourself a counselor that specializes in addiction as they will be able to help you with your co dependent and anger issues.

Please keep posting her and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:01 PM
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Greetings and thanks for sharing.
You sound very angry and frustrated.
you said: Just there a few mins ago she has made me smash my phone of the wall and throw everything around my room (which i had just cleaned).
As frustrating as she is, she didn't make you do those things. You did them of your own volition.
You also said you have injured yourself, which concerns me, as well. What do you mean?

You can stop seeing your mother, even if she is a danger to herself. Your one and only job is to take care of you (and your children, if you have any). It is not your job to see your mom.
I would gently suggest finding a therapist, and alanon meetings to get some support.

Good luck,
peace
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:15 PM
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Hi CheekyAngel,

I can relate to your anger, and your frustration. I hope that you are ok.

I have an alcoholic son that I have had to deal with at times when he was drinking. It made me feel absolutely like I WAS going crazy, that I WAS going to have a breakdown. I have been in a dark place over it at times. I can tell you that those feelings did pass, for me. What helped me was to stop trying to get him to understand, or to get him to change. He would argue that nothing was wrong, while he would be staggering to stand up, smelling of cheap vodka, and looking terrible. Those were dark times. They did pass tho. Dealing with it alone was killing me, tho. I found help.

I do not try to change him anymore, and it is a great relief. The only person who can change an alcoholic is his self. When they hurt enough over their choices. That is not your job or your responsibility. You cant do it for her. But you can take care of yourself. You need to, for you are the only one who can. Your sister is very blessed to have you to care for her. but you both need help. and if you can learn how to deal with your mom, in a way that is good for you . a way that will not lead to more frustration.

can you and your sister get to alateen or alanon meetings? and if so, can you do it right away? not only will you get the support you need, you will learn things that you needed to learn all along.

stick around here too, and post as often as you wish. if you can come and talk instead of confrontations with your mom, it can help too. you can learn some very useful tools.
there are many people here who understand. and care.

sending you a hug, and hoping that you can believe that things will get better, they really will. you just need some help, to get to a better place,mentally too.

is there any family member who you can get to help you with some things? maybe you could get away for a bit, both of you. your mom is keeping you feeling stuck but there is a way out. it is just very hard right now to see any hope, but there is hope. you can take care of you, and let your mom deal with her choices. I know you are afraid for her. can you share with us why you feel you have to take care of her, aside from the fact that you love her? is she a danger to her self or to you girls?
you have a life that you are meant to live, and that life is very precious. sometimes we are afraid for things that will not happen, and it holds us back from doing what we would like to do, or things we need to do for US.

sending you a big hug, and please, keep posting. when you feel anger coming , take yourself away from the conversation, for you cant make her think sanely. you cant . so, maybe let it go, practice letting it go. calm your mind , and get away from crazy thinking. find a quiet place, and think about your life and what you want. you matter here, very much. and your sissy too.
sending another hug, from one child of an alcoholic to another. there is freedom from the fear and worry and sadness. please hang around here. it has helped me so very much.

xoxoxo
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:39 AM
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Thanks for the kind words and advice. It really means so much to hear other peoples stories and who can relate.

My anger from years ago was how i dealt with things. Im not trying to sound stupid but when i smash, kick, and punch things it gives me some sort of release. I know it is no way to deal with issues but when the anger kicks off there's no stoping me. I have tried different techniques to try and calm myself. Some have been good but a lot of the time the out-burst happens so quick i dont get a change to think of the consequence. Now just to be clear, i would never hit anyone else, it would always be me being injured.
My mother when shes drinking is very abusive. Sometimes she is violent towards us and i have done things in the past to her that i am not one bit proud off. Thinking of some of those things now, it makes me kinda sad. But she pushes and pushes me until there is no return. Now that i have matured and i would never do anything to her...thats why i end up getting injured. I have done worse things to myself but i really dont want to go into that...maybe a different time.

When she was living in the house she was a complete nightmare. I would of had to call the gaurds (police) on her. i would fear that one of us would be seriously injured or end up dead. Now she is not living here there is some sort of calm. But she still can push the buttons and she knows how to do so very well.

My sister...she has developed a MH condition and she is at the age where she is unsure about getting professional help. Alateen or alanon meetings, i dont think she would attend to be honest. She is to self-concious and shy. If i wanted her to recieve any help at the moment it would be counselling/therapy for her MH condition. I try to set a good example for her and try to explain, that it will not be what she expects. She goes to her guidence counsellor in school...but i dont think she tells all, which is a pity for her sake. Her guidence counsellor has also tried refering her onto a different place but my sister refuses point blank to go. She doesnt find it easy to take about her problems and becuse of that she becomes defensive. I do believe one day she will understand that she needs professional help and she will get it...but when that day is, i dont know.

I myself have several MH conditions and have been through a lot of therapy. It has been some help but i cant over-come my main difficulties - which stresses me out even more. Along with the MH conditions, i obsess about suicide. I tried OD twice before when i younger but i dont think i could go through with it as im older now. But because of that obsessional thought, she may one time push me to the limit and im afraid ill do something stupid. I really dont like saying that as i feel ashamed because i disagree with suicide, but its my mind and sometimes it takes over and scares me.

I have just started addiction counselling today so hopefully from that i will gain skills to help me deal with my personal and family problems. See i have tried helping myself with professional help but i would never stick to things, as i found it difficult not care or get involved. I do try to deal with things so it wont effect me...but the thing is it does effect me. If i bottle it up...the anger will build and build until i blow up.

My mum is very poorly as well. She is always sick and she doesnt look after her health. She doesnt eat well and she is on so many tablets that im afraid, if shes depressed and drinking she will OD. I do worry about her so much. My next door neighbour passed away this morning and it made me think that if i wasnt there for her and she killed herself or walked out in front of a car, i would feel so guilty as maybe i could have prevented it.

My relatives dont understand the extent of her drinking and abusiveness, which is sad because when we tell them stories they dont fully understand. Plus my mum can deny and cover up very well. So my relatives arnt much help and they dont live near. My mum has no friends as she lost them all, so there is nobody to look out for her at all.....

I understand the importance in looking after myself...sure if you knew me you would know im a burnout wreck. As i said before, to stop caring and getting involved, will be highly difficult for me because its all i have ever done. But hopefully with the addiction counsellor she can teach me ways to deal with my life situations better. I am hopeful that one day things will settle, but to be honest my MH conditions worry me too...if i cant get over them.


Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you didnt give up half way through!!!
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Old 03-08-2011, 12:47 PM
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How very sad.

Maybe give yer sis the addy here?
she can read to her heart's content
and never have to post if she doesn't feel like it.
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Old 03-08-2011, 03:46 PM
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ready for my book?

I am glad that you are starting counselling, that is a good idea.
you know, if you and your sister went to alanon or alateen, you dont really have to say anything. you can listen. you would get a support system that you could use.

I understand how the anger makes you want to hit something. That is better than hitting someone or hurting yourself. I can only imagine how angry you must be. This is a totally unfair situation that you are in. A parent is supposed to protect, but you are being the parent. I understand you wanting to protect her. even though you feel like you hate what she is, you still love her. and she is not doing anything to earn that love right now. she is doing things that push everyone to their limit.

I am so sorry that you are having to live this way. I think that perhaps in your counselling, you might get some help with your mom. someone should be able to maybe even get her put somewhere for a while, to get treatment, even if she does not want to go, if she is a danger to you or herself, you can get her hospitalized , for a while. maybe it would let a little light into her mind, even for a little while.maybe some sober time with counselling could get through to her. even just a bit, and it would give you some peace of mind for a while. but you probably want some professional advice about that.

I remember when my mom was drinking her worst, and we were so angry at her. I had two younger sisters, and a younger brother. my brother was born when i was 16, and he took the brunt of it all. he was from her second marriage, and she got custody when they divorced . she began drinking so heavily, and she made my brother very miserable and it was unsafe for him. we had all married and left home, but he was still there. we begged his dad, our x step dad ,. to take custody of him. and he did. my mom kept drinking till she lost a kidney, and then she stopped, but it may have been because she lost everything. we did not go see her, she lost custody of my little brother, and she had no one. so she quit. the doctors told her that she would die if she drank again, and she never did. i cant even believe it, for she could have kept right on.

one time when she was really drinking heavily, we poured her vodka half out and filled it with water. boy she was so mad! she came at my sister, who was about 12, and started to smack her, and my little sister punched my mom in the chest! my mom was so surprised that she did not do anything more. my little sister was and still is one of the most gentle people in the world. being abused over and over can cause the worst anger. it is so unfair.

your mom is the one choosing to destroy her life, and you should not have to live so misreably. perhaps if you and your sister were not there to save her, she would wake up a bit. it would surely be better for you. she will either want to live or not, and nothing you can do can change her mind.

i know how much it hurts, to wonder why your mom does not love you enough to stop drinking. i wondered that for years, and till recently, did not fully understand that she could not do it, until she felt enough pain- emotionally and physically, and spiritually. maybe the best thing you can do for your mom, is to let go, and let her suffer the consequences of her choices. i know that would be scary. i know how it is to feel llike you have to protect her. i used to worry about my mom and call her to see if she was falling asleep with her lighted cigarette. I used to try to do things that would make her not so evil, when she was drinking. she used to beg me to go and get her booze and I would do it, out of pity!!! how awful when a parent is so miserable and we feel like we might be able to help, but nothing we can do ever helps. not at all.

i am glad that your mom is not in your home. Do you think that you could just try to have a little less interaction with her, a bit at a time? just wean yourself and her? is your sister with you, or your mom?

you can pm me , i am usually here each day. i think it helps a lot, to be able to voice your feelings, and it is safer with someone else than with your mom.

i think you are a strong young woman, you have had to be. and it is time that you got some rest and peace of mind. stick around here, and you will find a lot of help.

And Barbs idea of getting your sister to come here and just read, it a great one. there is help, please believe that. You will not always be in this situation. but you do need to take care of you. You and your sister do not deserve this. and your anger and your reactions and the things you are not proud of, they are all understandable and you are not the only one who has those feelings or experiences. That is how people react when they are affected by an alcoholic. and you do have to deal with your anger. unexpressed anger can make you feel crazy.

sending a hug, a big one,
chicory
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Old 03-08-2011, 07:37 PM
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I do not have much to offer regarding your mother and sister that others on this thread haven't already mentioned.

I will say that when I was younger I, too, had a terrible anger problem. I started trying to find creative ways to get the anger out without hurting anyone.
My favorite involved the giant set of encyclopedias in the hallway, outside of everyone's bedrooms. When I got mad at someone I would shut their bedroom door, then throw the A, M, and N volumes at the door. I would then tell myself that I just sent the entire Air Force, Army, Marines, and Navy after them, so I didn't have to worry about it anymore, the problem would be taken care of. When I was especially angry I would also add in the G volume ("Government, United States").
It seems crazy now, but it helped a lot back then. (Although I am sure my father wondered why he had to repaint those doors once a year.)
Perhaps you can find something crazily creative that helps you.
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Old 03-10-2011, 02:06 PM
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It is a fustrating situation alright...but i think its time things have to change. I know she wont change and i have accepted that, so its my time to change.

I am going to take the power away from her, whatever it takes. Obviously i will still have contact and see her...i think i just have to plan/do it differently. I will not let her control my life.

When i went to my last theripst, she told me to buy a punching bag. I thought at first she was messing...but she wasnt! It wasnt really practical but i got the idea. I will try to think of something that i can do when im angry that doesnt involve hurting myself. I might buy a huge teddy and knock that around when i have anger overload!! May need a back up teddy too !!

I may take you up on your offer Chicory, as sometimes the pressure is too much to handle. Everytime i feel the need to let stuff out i dont want to start a new thread.

Things the last two days have been good. Well as good as it can be due to the circumstances next door (different story - a good neighbour of mine has passed away).
My mum today was at the funeral today and she wasnt drinking. She was very on edge and shaky though but i didnt care as she didnt make a show of us in the church. She even came into the house today and had a cuppa! It was quite strange actully!!

I have minimized my communication with my mum somewhat. She knows that if she rings and is abusive i will hang up. I feel guilty when i do, but i dont deserve the abuse. I do sometimes get lured into arguements but i do try not to. I think now as soon as i feel my stresses building i will automatically hang up. Its difficult when shes upset because she is just crying down the phone.

Also when im in her appartment and she starts having a go i put my earphones and and let her waffle on. When she becomes aggressive i usually leave. But there is times i get wrapped up in the situation because the fustration and anger i cant control. So that is a goal for me to try and manage the anger differently.

I think i have to learn different techniques that can make me deal/handle her and situations better. Its can be hard when i get dragged into a situation i'd rather not be in. I feel i have a responcibility for everyone.....when i know i dont.

And yes my sister does live with me...i wouldnt allow her to live with my mum. I even worry on the weekends for my sis when she stays there - as i have had to come to her rescue many times.

Im stubbern and it can be difficult for me to change behaviour but i think it's waaaayyyy over-due!! I will try working towards what's the best outcome for everyone.......myself first !!
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Old 03-10-2011, 06:27 PM
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So good to hear that you are starting to make some good protective choices for your self. doing the best things for yourself is actually the best for everyone else too, in the long run. the less you let your mom push your buttons, the less she will do it. but it will take some boundary setting on your part, and it looks like you are doing that. good for you!

Punching bags are actually very good exercise

hugs
chicory
p.s.
I am sorry about your neighbor.good neighbors are as good as family sometimes.
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Old 03-12-2011, 05:21 AM
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Thanks Chicory,

I wish i found this site 10years ago !!!

Take Care
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Old 03-12-2011, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by CheekyAngel View Post
Thanks Chicory,

I wish i found this site 10years ago !!!

Take Care
Me, too, honey. I wish I had been as young as you, when I first learned about the dysfunction of an alcoholic home.

You are young, and smart and strong. You have learned some good things from this, not only bad things. Use them to your advantage, and keep learning about you, and taking care of you.

Hope that today was a better day. hugs


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