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Old 03-07-2011, 02:02 PM
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This one is for the record...

I am posting this as a record someone may need someday..........

Let's hope not.

I saw my AH last wednesday. He was awful, awful, so I left.

I have held out not calling or seeing him until today monday. I had some weak moments but worked through them and was proud.

I erased his number from my phone, not thinking that I might need to use that as a recognition factor.

Well he called today and I was expecting some other calls, did not realize it was him and answered. stupidly.

This came to that. Tit came to tat.

He told me "I have people who want to pour gas on you and set you on fire. They won't because I won't let them. This is where we are at."

He has never shown up here where I am. I don't think he will.

He also told me I just needed to submit to my husband. I think he is trying to intimidate me.

Please don't tell me to go to the police. I have nothing more than a threat at this point. anyhoo.........

I just want it on record. period. on record.


This too shall pass.........
I was doing so well in my progress...Now I am set back. I am feeling yukky.
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:09 PM
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Have you told anyone else what he said? Maybe he is trying to intimidate you but that's some scary stuff - be safe and aware (duh, I know, but I have to say it anyway) - and please let us know how you're doing. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....(((hugs)))
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:15 PM
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thanx

I intend to mention it at alanon tonight.

Other people I talk to as well. yes.

Thanks.........
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:21 PM
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You posted this on GettingBy's thread:

Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
And you can convince yourself all day long, it's not as bad as I think.

The truth is: it is probably worse than you think.

And only you can recognize that and change that.
Any chance that you can go to/call the police station and ask their advice, as opposed to calling 911?

He is threatening you and has a history of violence against you. I don't need to tell you this stuff. You know it.

A record here or with one of your al-anon friends might get him locked up after the event. It won't bring you back if you're dead.
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:21 PM
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You don't have to go to the police, but you really should contact the domestic violence hotline and talk to them. This guy has threatened you. Please do not allow him anywhere near you.

1.800.787.3224
Domestic Abuse Hotline
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:23 PM
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((((Passionfruit)))) Would you consider contacting the national domestic violence hotline? They would be able to advise you on what you can do to protect yourself and whether or not you have enough "evidence" to go to the police.

For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)

By state:
United States DV Resources by State
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)

Stay safe! Hugs, HG
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:37 PM
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safehaven

I see a DV counselor everyweek. Safehaven. Will see her this week and will tell her as well.

I've been down the police road here. It is bs. plain and simple.

He called again and invited me to go eat with him!! I declined.

I expect more calls again. No doubt.

I am a little afraid not to answer, now. I think as long as he thinks there is some chance of reconcilliation for us, I am ok.

I don't know...

All I know right now is one day at a time.
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:56 PM
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Perhaps if you do not answer, he would leave a message that could be used to file a restraining order....plus you would not have to actually speak to him?
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Old 03-07-2011, 03:29 PM
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What is going on? Is there something in the air or water?? This is the third thread I've read today where the A has escalated and become more aggressive. Please! Take care of yourselves and do not minimize their actions. Use extreme caution regarding any communication and do NOT communicate if you can at all help it. Please.
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:00 PM
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passionfruit, can you call your DV counsellor?

I'm a bit concerned that you are minimizing this. Did you think that he would never punch you in the face or throttle you before he actually did it?

He needs locking up. No-one should have to go through what he has put you through. WTF do these men think they are?

Is there somewhere you can stay where he doesn't know for a few days, at least? Just so that you aren't living under so much stress? You could pack a few things in a bag and put it in the boot of your car and see if anyone at your meeting has a spare room.
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:13 PM
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change YOUR phone number please! there is for no reason why that man needs to call you...if cant afford too, explain to family and friends that the answering machine will be taking calls and you will call them right back....then he will stop trying.....hopefully....
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:20 PM
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All I want to say is you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sending out cyber hugs to you. :ghug3
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:28 PM
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((((((HUGS))))))

Do what you need to do to be safe.
Records help after the fact, but they're not much protection towards prevention.
I am worried about you.
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:36 PM
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Why can you not report this to the police and get a restraining order? You don't have to have the threat recorded to file a complaint, nor to get an order. If the police are not responsive, call the DA's office. You can get a restraining order at the family court.

A restraining order is not a bulletproof vest, but it does allow the police to arrest him if he so much as breathes in your direction.

Please do NOT minimize this. They may be empty threats, but they may not be. And you know it, or you would not be trying to "make a record."
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Old 03-07-2011, 04:57 PM
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Ok. Firstly, there is every reason for you to inform the Police. If you want to start making a record, then reporting each and every incident (whether you have 'proof' or not) to the Police is a damn good start. Even if they don't do anything right there and then, or can't do anything, it starts to build up a paper trail should, God forbid, he ever act out any of his threats.

Diarise (sending an email to yourself of each incident is a secure way of doing this and it time stamps the record.. set up a new web-based account for this and let someone you trust completely know what the address of it is and the password, should it ever be needed as evidence and you can't access it) and tell your D.V counsellor. Have them record it in your file. Again, this builds up a trail of reporting incidents.

So that's the recording taken care of.. now what about taking care of your well-being. I'm worried for you because I don't think you fully realise that you are in a dangerous situation. He has made threats on numerous occasions, all of which involve doing you serious physical harm or resulting in your death. This is serious. I know you don't think he will turn up to your home, but you really can't legislate for a man whose mind wishes serious harm on you. He is NOT stable. Please, please.. NC and keep yourself safe. If you can, block his number or have every call go to voicemail at the very least. If nothing else, his continued threats and harassment of you just serve to keep you in a place where you feel unable to do anything.. powerless. Time to take back that power.

Tx
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:02 PM
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Oops, sorry, mistaken post.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:11 AM
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Thanks to everyone.

You are right. I am numb to his threats, I guess. Or maybe I am tired of being afraid. Or maybe I feel like a little embarrassed because I think everyone is overreacting. Or maybe I don't want people to feel sorry for me or like I am seeking sympathy. Or all of the above.

He has said these type things to me for 2 years. I am not living with him currently. I think he is afraid to come over here because of the police factor. Of course, on that same note, he has said he will be at work if it ever happens.

He has had previous wives and he has not carried out these threats, which is one reason I dismiss them for the most part.

However, I don't want him to get away with anything if it actually happens.

But again, this behavior is progressive.

I know I am back and forth.

Again, I have lived this way for 2 years. For the last year, I had a security deposit box with video footage of my black eyes. My sisters had copies of the video as well. I had a run for it bag packed.

I think I would have stayed and tolerated this much longer, had my daughter not moved in with us.

My maternal instincts stepped in then and while I was not in fear for myself, I was in fear for my daughter. That is when we left.

I obviously have work to do on me, to get to the point where I take care of me.

THAT IS WHY I AM HERE. THAT IS WHY I AM IN COUNSELING. THAT IS WHY I AM IN ALANON.

I am simply not there yet.

Each who expressed concern please take the time to read the sticky: how to support an abused woman.

I went to dv counseling last week and a woman with a black eye walked out as I was walking in.

The counselors did not call the police and file charges against the man. They continued with her counseling as usual because they KNOW she has to be ready to get out of the relationship. They have to build her up so she is strong and able to make that decision. Otherwise, she will be right back there at the first bump in the road.

Same is true for me. I am strong in alot of ways, but I clearly have lots of work to do.

There are numerous factors which you all could not possibly be aware of in my situation, or anybody else's for that matter.

Getting out of any situation is not easy. I have many things to weigh.

In my mind, I am walking a tight rope for now. I am doing the best I can do with the tools I currently have at hand.

I know everyone is concerned, but it sure felt like I was beat up yesterday over tolerating this which made me feel like running back to him. I did not however. I stood my ground to not go to him which is a first for me. It was a little scary though.

Women like me need support even if we make stupid decisions and tolerate stupid things.

You need to be the opposite of what he is.

He thinks I am unable to make good decisions and am stupid and ......

I need those supporting me to believe in me, and offer support regardless of how I handle the situations I am faced with.

I may cognitively know all this stuff, but putting it into behaviors is far easier said than done.

Anyhoo.........Thanks and Love!
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:37 AM
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You know, this is not weird, based on how similar As can be, how similar our stories can be on this forum, but...

About a year ago, when A was still actively drinking, he said something very similar to me.
It was not a threat, it was like this,:

He pumped gas into the car, and felt I should have said Thanks. I did not, and he said,

"I should have doused YOU in that gas and lit you on fire..."

He was not drunk, but was active. It was early morning.

Its amazing to me, how similar our stories can be.
That said,
I do think you are numbed, and I understand that. I live that.
This is a person whose mind is in a dark place, and we become so used to that, and we just float along, hoping that they will wake up from their nightmares.

This is scary, and I hope your DV counselor has some sound advice.
I do record a number of phone calls. I now have video on my phone, as well, if he acts crazy or threatens me in person, i switch it on.

I can usually tell if a phone call is going to go weird. There is a tone in their voice that can be pretty subtle, but its there.

Please be safe, and do try to get a PFA in place, because this is too erratic. Asking you to eat with him after that is the type of thing my RAH did, and it was scary to be on the recieving end of such erratic behavior.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:58 AM
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Nobody thinks you are dumb, and I totally understand not being ready to report it to the police for a criminal complaint.

HOWEVER, for your own safety, I would strongly encourage you to file for a restraining order. The only consequence to him would be if he were to violate it. (I'm assuming he isn't a police officer for whom there could be employment consequences as a result of the order.)

And, as the others suggested, if you are unwilling or unready to report it to the police, do have someone documenting what is going on, so there IS a record.
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:06 AM
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I do not think you are dumb. at all.
We are here to support you.
PLease keep posting.
My A physically attacked me just once. I was unable to walk away.
Everyone here has tolerated and been unable to walk away from horrible treatment.
Please know that no one is chastising you, alot can get lost in text.

Its all loving concern.
I know you will continue pushing toward healing and safety.
I know thats why you are here.

Love to you and keep posting.
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