This one is for the record...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I'm sorry.
I think you are far from stupid. In fact, your insight on many threads is outstanding. I do, however, think you are very tired because of the violent attentions of this man. I am angry for you that you are tired and scared and that you are not protected from him, not through any fault of your own, but because abuse is just not taken seriously by the wider world until the hand-wringing starts after the event.
Thinking about you a lot today.
I think you are far from stupid. In fact, your insight on many threads is outstanding. I do, however, think you are very tired because of the violent attentions of this man. I am angry for you that you are tired and scared and that you are not protected from him, not through any fault of your own, but because abuse is just not taken seriously by the wider world until the hand-wringing starts after the event.
Thinking about you a lot today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
You're not stupid.. you are however a hostage to his behaviour. It's like stockholm syndrome; you love what you remember is the good of this person, you empathise/sympathise/hope it will get better, saner and it is difficult for anyone not in the position of hostage to understand why you don't just call a halt to it. Breaking free is hard. And peversely, breaking free without some catastrophic event to force you free is even harder.
I've been there. I've had friends saying wtf and I've said you don't understand you just don't get it. I've had people say, I'm scared for you and said it'll be ok.. he's not THAT stupid/insane/whatever.
I've also felt frustrated with all the 'it's simple just leave'. It isn't that simple. It's frightening.. it's the unknown.. it's taking steps that are scary along a path that is unfamiliar into a tunnel you can't see the end of.
Keep posting. Keep documenting. Keep telling people. Keep safe.
Tx
I've been there. I've had friends saying wtf and I've said you don't understand you just don't get it. I've had people say, I'm scared for you and said it'll be ok.. he's not THAT stupid/insane/whatever.
I've also felt frustrated with all the 'it's simple just leave'. It isn't that simple. It's frightening.. it's the unknown.. it's taking steps that are scary along a path that is unfamiliar into a tunnel you can't see the end of.
Keep posting. Keep documenting. Keep telling people. Keep safe.
Tx
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
From GBs thread, we had a member here a while ago, Mega. She posted every couple days for months until she posted about her estranged husband with a history of violence actually putting a loaded gun to her head and threatened to kill her. She moved out but a few weeks later she stopped posting and didn't reply to anyones PMs or email messages. There's no doubt in my mind what happened.
Please let the police know what he said.
Please let the police know what he said.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Many of us also know the
soul crushing paralysis
that comes over us
and makes even the simplest
evaluation of what is really happening
impossible.
It may feel like you're being pushed,
but please keep at heart
that this situation is one that many of us know
first hand.
This is the ONE place
that people truly wish you WELL.
BUt I know it can be overwhelming
like trying to go outside
and pick up the corner of the house
is easier
than picking up the phone
and asking for help.
If there's error here,
it's an error in love...
I know for many here,
we're simply doing
what we wish
someone had been 'there'
to do for us.
(even though I haven't posted yet
I include myself when it's this particular topic.)
Every human
has the right to feel safe
in their own home.
period.
soul crushing paralysis
that comes over us
and makes even the simplest
evaluation of what is really happening
impossible.
It may feel like you're being pushed,
but please keep at heart
that this situation is one that many of us know
first hand.
This is the ONE place
that people truly wish you WELL.
BUt I know it can be overwhelming
like trying to go outside
and pick up the corner of the house
is easier
than picking up the phone
and asking for help.
If there's error here,
it's an error in love...
I know for many here,
we're simply doing
what we wish
someone had been 'there'
to do for us.
(even though I haven't posted yet
I include myself when it's this particular topic.)
Every human
has the right to feel safe
in their own home.
period.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Originally Posted by passionfruit 
I am posting this as a record someone may need someday..........
Let's hope not.
I saw my AH last wednesday. He was awful, awful, so I left.
I have held out not calling or seeing him until today monday. I had some weak moments but worked through them and was proud.
I erased his number from my phone, not thinking that I might need to use that as a recognition factor.
Well he called today and I was expecting some other calls, did not realize it was him and answered. stupidly.
This came to that. Tit came to tat.
He told me "I have people who want to pour gas on you and set you on fire. They won't because I won't let them. This is where we are at."He has never shown up here where I am. I don't think he will.
He also told me I just needed to submit to my husband. I think he is trying to intimidate me.
Please don't tell me to go to the police. I have nothing more than a threat at this point. anyhoo.........
I just want it on record. period. on record.
This too shall pass.........
I was doing so well in my progress...Now I am set back. I am feeling yukky.
Let's hope not.
I saw my AH last wednesday. He was awful, awful, so I left.
I have held out not calling or seeing him until today monday. I had some weak moments but worked through them and was proud.
I erased his number from my phone, not thinking that I might need to use that as a recognition factor.
Well he called today and I was expecting some other calls, did not realize it was him and answered. stupidly.
This came to that. Tit came to tat.
He told me "I have people who want to pour gas on you and set you on fire. They won't because I won't let them. This is where we are at."He has never shown up here where I am. I don't think he will.
He also told me I just needed to submit to my husband. I think he is trying to intimidate me.
Please don't tell me to go to the police. I have nothing more than a threat at this point. anyhoo.........
I just want it on record. period. on record.
This too shall pass.........
I was doing so well in my progress...Now I am set back. I am feeling yukky.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Please pay attention and honor Passionfruit's requests:
DV counselors should be the ones counseling a DV victim. It is not nearly as simple as it seems. It's not just, "Get out" or "File a restraining order" or "Change your number".
As Passionfruit said, the only thing she needs from us is support... NOT to be told what she should DO or NOT DO. She is a very smart woman and is the only one who understands her situation! She is very capable of deciding what is best and how to proceed.
Also keep in mind that this time is extremely dangerous for Passionfruit. I'm sure she is very well aware of it and is proceeding as she sees fit. She has stated that she is currently in counseling with a domestic violence center, so she has resources for information and assistance as she needs it.
Most importantly, the advice normally dispensed here and in Al-anon does not apply well to DV situations. Oftentimes it is best to placate the abuser to try and keep the peace. Her counselor will help Passionfruit determine what is best and things like "Going No Contact" or "Changing Your Number" can make things even worse if the timing is wrong and the safety plan is not perfected.
Passionfruit -- Hugs to you, dear one. You know our intentions are good even though sometimes misguided. I'm just very glad to hear you are in counseling at the DV Center. You are one awesome lady. I hope you find serenity very soon. (((Hugs)))
Originally Posted by passionfruit
Each who expressed concern please take the time to read the sticky: how to support an abused woman.I went to dv counseling last week and a woman with a black eye walked out as I was walking in.
The counselors did not call the police and file charges against the man. They continued with her counseling as usual because they KNOW she has to be ready to get out of the relationship. They have to build her up so she is strong and able to make that decision. Otherwise, she will be right back there at the first bump in the road.
Same is true for me. I am strong in alot of ways, but I clearly have lots of work to do.
There are numerous factors which you all could not possibly be aware of in my situation, or anybody else's for that matter.
Getting out of any situation is not easy. I have many things to weigh.
In my mind, I am walking a tight rope for now. I am doing the best I can do with the tools I currently have at hand.
I know everyone is concerned, but it sure felt like I was beat up yesterday over tolerating this which made me feel like running back to him. I did not however. I stood my ground to not go to him which is a first for me. It was a little scary though.
Women like me need support even if we make stupid decisions and tolerate stupid things.
You need to be the opposite of what he is.
He thinks I am unable to make good decisions and am stupid and ......
I need those supporting me to believe in me, and offer support regardless of how I handle the situations I am faced with.
I may cognitively know all this stuff, but putting it into behaviors is far easier said than done.
Anyhoo.........Thanks and Love!
The counselors did not call the police and file charges against the man. They continued with her counseling as usual because they KNOW she has to be ready to get out of the relationship. They have to build her up so she is strong and able to make that decision. Otherwise, she will be right back there at the first bump in the road.
Same is true for me. I am strong in alot of ways, but I clearly have lots of work to do.
There are numerous factors which you all could not possibly be aware of in my situation, or anybody else's for that matter.
Getting out of any situation is not easy. I have many things to weigh.
In my mind, I am walking a tight rope for now. I am doing the best I can do with the tools I currently have at hand.
I know everyone is concerned, but it sure felt like I was beat up yesterday over tolerating this which made me feel like running back to him. I did not however. I stood my ground to not go to him which is a first for me. It was a little scary though.
Women like me need support even if we make stupid decisions and tolerate stupid things.
You need to be the opposite of what he is.
He thinks I am unable to make good decisions and am stupid and ......
I need those supporting me to believe in me, and offer support regardless of how I handle the situations I am faced with.
I may cognitively know all this stuff, but putting it into behaviors is far easier said than done.
Anyhoo.........Thanks and Love!
As Passionfruit said, the only thing she needs from us is support... NOT to be told what she should DO or NOT DO. She is a very smart woman and is the only one who understands her situation! She is very capable of deciding what is best and how to proceed.
Also keep in mind that this time is extremely dangerous for Passionfruit. I'm sure she is very well aware of it and is proceeding as she sees fit. She has stated that she is currently in counseling with a domestic violence center, so she has resources for information and assistance as she needs it.
Most importantly, the advice normally dispensed here and in Al-anon does not apply well to DV situations. Oftentimes it is best to placate the abuser to try and keep the peace. Her counselor will help Passionfruit determine what is best and things like "Going No Contact" or "Changing Your Number" can make things even worse if the timing is wrong and the safety plan is not perfected.
Passionfruit -- Hugs to you, dear one. You know our intentions are good even though sometimes misguided. I'm just very glad to hear you are in counseling at the DV Center. You are one awesome lady. I hope you find serenity very soon. (((Hugs)))
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