starlight40

These are some of the thoughts that inevitably roll through my head as I am trying to sort out my feelings about my situation with my AH. I thought some others could relate.

1. Who am I to complain about my living situation? Where would I be without him?

2. How selfish am I to want things (like personal care items)? How dare I put my needs above his (if he didn't need the beer I'd be living like a queen).

3. How dare I be unhappy at this stage of the game! Afterall didn't I know what I was getting into?

4. Am I unhappy because of him or because I am incapable of being happy?

5. How much better would my life be without him? Could I really survive?

6. I'm just a spoiled little girl who can't see a good thing when I have it.

7. I'm a horrible person for not having more faith in him. He says
everything will work out so I should believe him.

I don't have to tell you that most of these thoughts have been said to me either by my AH or my family throughout my life.
Maybe other people could post their wrong thinking. I know it would help to know that others have been where I am.

jamaicamecrazy

How about
-Why do I always want things MY way.

-Maybe no matter what he does will I ever be satisfied. (Stopping drinking was never one of the things he did)

-Maybe I am just like my mother?

These were mostly things put in my head by AH. I chose to believe them. Now- not so much.

selman2

Heres a few of mine:
I would be alone if I got rid of him
(I'm a train wreck)
Also I promised his Mom on her deathbed I would laways take care of him (kinda selfish on her part since she didn't want anything to do with him)
I'm a user(this one is my favorite,yet somehow I have trouble with this one)

FindingPeace1

He is so great; I can't believe I am walking away.
I promised to love him forever.
I am judgemental, selfish and non-supportive or understanding.
Maybe it is not so bad.
Maybe I could live with it.
Maybe I need to try harder.
Maybe he really is going to change.
Ad infinitum.

Hogwash.
peace

Alone22

Maybe this time he gets it and things will get better.
Things really aren't that bad (so then why am I feeling so out of control?)
Maybe it is only a few beers, and I am making more of a deal out of it then it really is?
Maybe he is telling the truth.

threewishes

Here are some of mine...
1. But he's done some really nice things for me and my daughter/grandkids (ya, and some really bad ones too)
2. I should believe in him and support him, isn't that what being married is about?
3. He's never hit me or gotten violent so really....is it THAT bad??
4. This is my fault - I should've paid attention to the red flags. I got myself into this mess
5. Maybe this time he will find recovery (knowing full well he's in complete denial) and I'll miss out on what could be a great guy (seriously???)
6. After I leave he's going to eat nothing but Taco Bell and pizza for the rest of his life

As I write this I see how ridiculous my thinking is. Good God!! So glad we can post stuff like this here !

keepinon

What if I hold my boundary and something bad happens..can I live with the guilt?
Maybe she's not really an addict
If it weren't for (insert name here) she'd probably be fine!

Cyranoak

I really like your idea for this one. I love how other people try to control us. It's awesome you get this already. It took me years. Since I used to think this way too, and thought or said many of these things, I will now answer each of these questions as if they were being asked of me:

1. Who am I to complain about my living situation? Where would I be without him? I am a living breathing human being, and deserve to be treated with respect. Without my alcoholic it's possible I would be in a better place.

2. How selfish am I to want things (like personal care items)? How dare I put my needs above his (if he didn't need the beer I'd be living like a queen). I'm not selfish. Beer comes after my needs, not before.

3. How dare I be unhappy at this stage of the game! Afterall didn't I know what I was getting into? No, I didn't know what I was getting into, and I am unhappy. I have the right to feel what I feel.

4. Am I unhappy because of him or because I am incapable of being happy? It was both. Then I started going to Alanon and got some tools to be happy again.

5. How much better would my life be without him? Could I really survive? Would life be better? I think so. Could I really survive? Absolutely.

6. I'm just a spoiled little girl who can't see a good thing when I have it. I may be spoiled, but I'm seeing what I'm seeing and it is not a good thing.

7. I'm a horrible person for not having more faith in him. He says everything will work out so I should believe him. It's not my job to have faith in another person. It's my job to have faith in me. She has not earned my faith. She has earned my skepticism. She is getting exactly what she earned-- no more, no less. She is a proven liar. If she wants faith she'll have to earn it back, and it's going to take a very, very, very long time. Her 8 months of sobriety is a good start. Maybe in 2015 I'll have faith in her again. Maybe.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

starlight40

Amazing! To be able to ask for something from virtual strangers, and receive it with compassion and no judgement. I have tears of healing in my eyes!

I have been isolated for so long. I definately lost all perspective for a while. But I am getting it back. I know myself well enough to know it will be a while before I have the strength to leave. (plus getting money and staring a whole new life again )
But I'm feeling more and more confident that I will get there.

Also I will be getting out for a while each day now, as I start going to the gym today. And although, I'm under a gag order not to discuss anything with anyone ever, (small community, great risk of anything I say getting back to him) I am hopeful that maybe I could start confiding in my gym partner, as she does not know my AH (his persona) that well.


One step at a time! This thread came about because I have finally reached step 4 in the program. Now all I need is to find a sponsor of some sort!

Thanks for all the support! before you all I had no one!

LexieCat

Nobody can see things clearly when they are surrounded by funhouse mirrors. It's ALL distorted.

The power of suggestion is, well, powerful. People can be suggested right into believing what isn't true at all. That's the whole basis of hypnosis, ya know?

Keep questioning and challenging the truth of those thoughts. One tip, though. Don't count on succeeding in convincing anyone else that what you are thinking are delusions. They have a vested interest in your continuing to believe the delusions. So don't expect the alcoholic, or those close to him, to congratulate you on your insight.

WE, on the other hand, will jump up and down and yell ATTAGIRL every time you see what a lie one of these thoughts is.

Buffalo66

Starlight,
CryanOak has the best idea, here!

I write down my fears like this, everytime they come up.
I then correct the mistaken belief behind that thought by writing the truth, the opposite. If you do not believe it yet, you can write things like,

"MAYBE I will be so much happier without him, and I dont even know it, and I deserve to find that out..."
The thing is, writing these fears and letting them sit there, is only half of the work. Challenging the fearful thought with a counter idea is progress.

I have been doing this, and it has reduced my anxiety sooooo much!

One of my big fears has been about being alone, parenting alone.
Through writing it down I have come to really realize that I have actually BEEN alone all along, and it will be so much better to not have a "fake' supportive relationship.

With As, and RAs, we come to settle for the minimum, and we forget that life can be great without the drama, the pretend help or support.

If you gain a lot from being with him, ask yourself this:
At what cost?
Are you willing to stay and love and be loved by this man at ANY cost to you, your soul, your kids(if you have them)?

Do you miss your friends, the freedom to do as you like, to explore life?

Asking yourself if he makes you unhappy or if you are incapable of being happy is a good thing.
You deserve to find that out, and then remedy it.

Good Luck! And asking these questions is a great start!

Buffalo66

BTW, Leise,
Thanks for your post!
I feel a lot of those ways too, and I have been writing them and remedying them.

Thank you

starlight40

Thank you. I will keep writing!
I come on here frequently during the day. And I switch to Mahjong whenever necessary.

I agree about not putting to much stock in getting support from people around here. I know that from my experience with My A family. It's like...
One person reciting poetry in the middle of a heavy metal concert.
If anyone can hear you, they definatley think you must be crazy. And that you definately don't belong there!

And that's it isn't it? I just don't belong here. The reasons why don't even matter. I just don't belong here.
Ok so I have said it outloud. Now I just have to keep my sanity, and continue to work on myself, until I am ready to say it to him.

threewishes

Thank you Starlight for posting this. I've come back many times to re-read what I and everyone else wrote - it helps me remember the reality of it all. It's so easy (for me) to continue to get sucked into wrong thinking...some moments I'm strong, others not so much....

StarCat

My biggest one:
"Maybe he is better after getting out or rehab. Maybe he really is working a program, and I'm missing out."

He cured me of that one when he arrived unannounced and unwelcome at my desk at work!


My thinking has shifted since then, and I am sure I will have more stuff to post to this thread. I just haven't put my finger on what it is just yet, so I'll post again once I have figured out what new lies I am telling myself.
This is a wonderful thread - thank you!

starlight40

Here's the most powerful and most dangerous one.
"If I leave, he will die!"
This was compunded by the fact that...
(a little background) He moved up here (Canada from states) ahead of me. I had things I had to take care of, My health, among other things.

So the week I came up to see the house , he drank so much that he passed out, wet the bed and, if I hadn't of been here, he would have chokde to death on vomit! That made me even worse ( I have addisson's and was just diagnosed at the time. Addisson's patients, worst enemy is stress.)

Then after I moved up here, he almost died, and were it not for me to call the ambulance, he would have!

But that stinking thinking died when he went back to drinking 2 months later and told his family that I told him to do so!

" If I leave he will die." No, he's going to do what he's going to do. If I stay, I will die a long slow death.

"Well he drinking again, but he's only drinking 6 a day. And he doesn't go over. I can live with 6 a day." NO. Just because the frog can stand the flame getting hotter does not mean that it's not turning him into someone's dinner!

"Well, I'm healthier since I've been here than I have felt in years!"
I have to chalk that one up to finally getting on the right dosage of medication for my addisson's. And having removed other cancerous people from my life.

I'll be honest and tell you, I go back and forth on these, depending on the day, minute, hour. But I am working on them.

lillamy

I think for me, the hardest thing to get over was the concept that I somehow was responsible for him.

That I had married him, for better for worse, and that regardless of what he did to me, I had taken an oath and God would help me keep it.

It took me many years to realize that it wasn't godly love that kept me hanging on -- it was pride. Pride that I was strong enough and amazing enough that I stayed with a man who gave me nothing but demeaning rants and repeat rapes. Because that's how GOOD a woman I was.

I'm still fighting stinkin' thinkin' but I'm fighting it from the outside now. And that's a much easier place to fight it.

StarCat

Ah, the old "If I leave, I will die!" story... Yes, I had that problem, too. "Who will take care of him?" "Everyone will hate me!"

I left, and he's still alive. He's using up a lot more sick days, his hair is completely white, and he lost a ton of weight (but he was overweight to begin with and still is). He got the proper dose of his lung medication and can finally breathe again, so I'd say the alcohol he is drinking is causing the rest of his issues, because his medical condition is being handled.
I couldn't make him stop drinking when I was with him, I had that experience before, so why do I think I can make him stop now? I can't.

Who will take care of him? Right now his codependent family, unfortunately, but he is a grown man and can take care of himself when he wants to. It's not a matter of "can't," it's a matter of "won't," and I'm not signing up for that.

But everyone will hate me! Just his family, and you know what? I just don't talk to them either. Ah, life, uncomplicated. I could get used to this.


My current issue:
"But if I'm not near him how can I tell what he's going to do next and when?"
I am working on convincing himself that I don't need to know this. Either he will leave me alone, or he will try to contact me again. I just need to get myself organized with what I'm doing if/when he tries to contact me again, so that whenever the "when" is, I'm ready. Beyond that, it doesn't really matter, does it?
One day at a time. One thought at a time. Checklist. I'll be ready.

bookwyrm

Me too. 'I'm strong enough to handle it', 'he NEEDS me'. 'We've been together 18 years!' - much longer than my parents' marriage. Why on earth I thought that the length of my abusive partnership was something to be proud of I'll never know...

starlight40

Wrong thinking at the beginning.....

"He's just misunderstood."

"He's not a bad guy, he just has bad luck."

" He just needs someone to love him."


Sound familiar to anyone? As part of doing my personal inventory, I thought I should post these too!

It's like before the frog jumps in the pot, he says to himself...
I wonder what's in there?! I bet it's nice.