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About to start the Divorce Process

Old 03-09-2011, 08:29 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Today is the day.
I'm so nervous and anal about the whole thing.
4 pages of typed questions...
My finances...
Our expense plan...

Of course she was normal last night. Could have been the slight ass chewing I gave her before leaving for work, although it never lasts.

First thing I do these days is write in my journal so that's growing.

No, Mybetterworld, she never went in for treatment. There is no history, to my knowledge, of her drinking beyond what I know. I have that question written down to see if they can look into her CC bill and identify booze purchases. Probably not.

I'll follow up when I get back today.
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Old 03-09-2011, 08:57 AM
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Good luck, Shellcrusher. Having been through one divorce - I came out the other side a-ok albeit a little beat up financially. My ex and I are now friends and good co-parents. Who knows what H#2 will end up being - never know with the alcoholic how they will react.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way today.
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:08 PM
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Will keep you in mind. Wishing you strength and clarity while you're talking with your lawyer.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:28 PM
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Hmm, well.

All I can say at this point is that by seeing a Lawyer, I have once again taken some action solely for me and my son. Like everybody says to the new folks in here, keep working your own recovery plan. More tools and options become available. This is so true.

I feel like frickin superman right now because I have more knowledge than ever before. That's balanced with extreme sadness. Never in my life did I know I'd be working on a decision of this magnitude. I joined on July 2010 because my wife drank alot and I thought I was going crazy. I didn't think I'd be writing about a divorce process. So yes. Things progress. They don't get better right away but each time you work only on yourself, you win and you feel so damn good!
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:40 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
They don't get better right away but each time you work only on yourself, you win and you feel so damn good!
Yes! Well said! I am saving this for later reference to remind myself to keep the focus on me.

Thanks, shellcrusher.
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Old 03-09-2011, 03:12 PM
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Hi Shellcrusher--

I feel for you. I file papers on my AW in late January. We have been living apart for 7 weeks. I don't have any kids.

I read a good book, "Codependent No More" and I have been going to Al Anon and also seeing a shrink. This is a good time to work on yourself, especially if you can have some time on your own. I am getting hopeful of a new, independent life -- my own life (not just focussed on her, her drama, her happiness), maybe for the first time. Living with an alcoholic has changed me into a different person, as the fog starts lifting I am gaining some hope.

The emotions are all over the map. I heard them simplified like this: mad, sad, glad, and scared. As I feel them, I let them happen, I sit with them, and they usually pass. I never even had time to think about how I was feeling before.

I am mad that she cheated on my after everything I did for her. I am mad that she is selfish, rude, and inconsiderate. I am sad that I am alone and my 16 year marriage turned out to be a failure. I am glad that I can do whatever I want now, and that I am learning who I am and how to be myself again. And I am scared that I am going to lose my butt in the divorce (I own a business and the thought of giving her 50% is just ridiculous.) Which brings me back to mad.

Good luck and hang in there. Blessings!
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:01 PM
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Knowledge IS power.

Even today, there are times I put off looking at a letter or something, sure it's gonna be bad news or something, or seeing my accountant, or any of a number of things because I'm afraid it will bum me out. Usually, it's neutral or good, and even if it's bad, facing it is better than hiding from it--I've got a head start on dealing with it.

Good for you, for taking this action for yourself!!
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:01 AM
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Day 2 on this thing. I haven't told anyone other than you guys, my family and my therapist about this. What do I find when I got home last night. A responsible AW making dinner. That might sound good at first but now I'm all fired up about it. I know it's her typical post binge activity. She's being a good girl...I still slept in my cave last night. I think it pissed her off cause she was grumpy this morning. Normally I would react to her grumpiness but this morning, something in the back of my head said, who cares if she's grumpy. Get on with your day. It's a strange feeling. It's like I have access to the red phone or the bomb codes or something. I hope I don't get power crazy. Anyone ever have that feeling when they know their rights and they're feeling good about themselves again? It's just super power and is it right? Is it normal? Woah, just typing it is getting me all wound up.
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:14 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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You have the right to not be treated like crap.
You have the right to ignore another person wallowing in self pity.
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:15 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Day 2 on this thing. I haven't told anyone other than you guys, my family and my therapist about this. What do I find when I got home last night. A responsible AW making dinner. That might sound good at first but now I'm all fired up about it. I know it's her typical post binge activity. She's being a good girl...I still slept in my cave last night. I think it pissed her off cause she was grumpy this morning. Normally I would react to her grumpiness but this morning, something in the back of my head said, who cares if she's grumpy. Get on with your day. It's a strange feeling. It's like I have access to the red phone or the bomb codes or something. I hope I don't get power crazy. Anyone ever have that feeling when they know their rights and they're feeling good about themselves again? It's just super power and is it right? Is it normal? Woah, just typing it is getting me all wound up.
I don't know about the super power feeling though I do know the feeling of the annoying perfect behavior post binge. And I know the feeling of it disappearing if one of 2 things happens: 1) I don't respond positively to it within a day or two or 2) I do respond positively to it and as soon as I do it's back to status quo.

It's infuriating.

As for the feeling of power, now that I am thinking it through, I actually do know what you mean. When I decide that I am not going to react in any way to my AH and I can tell he is getting bothered (and before I let myself get sucked back in) I feel very in control of myself and feel good. But I know that when I was living under the same roof with him I was unable to stay detached for very long and inevitably that feeling of control would swing to the other side and I'd reach my limit and fall apart inevitably. Living apart from him is making it sooooo much easier to maintain this distance this time and I feel more in control of me and my life than I have in a long time... Sounds like you are in that same kind of mode...

Hope things go well for you-- I can't remember-- have you told your W that you are filing?
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:39 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
...Hope things go well for you-- I can't remember-- have you told your W that you are filing?
Good question. No.
Also, I have not filed yet. It's one of those, I might or I might not. There are some smaller things I'd like to see fall into place first.
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