REALLY bad weekend
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I have been on my path of recovery for over 6 years now... and can vouch for the fact that detachment works - for you. The non-recovering alcoholic (both wet and dry!) will not take kindly to the detachment. It forces them to see the consequences of their behavior... and they will give strong "CHANGE BACK!" messages.
Their messages will escalate, and at some point, you need to say "Enough is enough."
I'm right there with you.
Their messages will escalate, and at some point, you need to say "Enough is enough."
I'm right there with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Quite honestly, this board has been a godsend today. I was at my lowest this morning and last night and the thoughts, questions, perspectives, stories that you have all responded with have been invaluable.
I can't thank you enough.
Starting today I am detaching. I wish yesterday when I was doing so I hadn't gotten caught in the trap of "you're being mean to me" and then begin to defend myself...
I can't thank you enough.
Starting today I am detaching. I wish yesterday when I was doing so I hadn't gotten caught in the trap of "you're being mean to me" and then begin to defend myself...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
Starting today I am detaching. I wish yesterday when I was doing so I hadn't gotten caught in the trap of "you're being mean to me" and then begin to defend myself...
And for knowing how to handle it next time it comes up.
Progress, not perfection.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
wanttobehealthy, this is one of my fave stickies about detachment http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html This one is good too Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Reading back over your first post, this bit intrigued me:
If you know what happens when he spends time with his family, why did you suggest that he went to visit? I'm not blaming you for any of his behaviour, however that dynamic seems self-defeating for you. You don't need to answer that question on here (or at all - feel free to ignore me!). I recognize it from when I was involved with an alcoholic and for me I (subconsciously) created situations where there would be an argument because I was SO blooming angry that I needed a reason to let off steam at him. Just like an alcoholic will create an argument to have a reason to drink. Not proud of it and it was abusive on my part and I take full ownership of it now I know what was going on with me. Of course, just because that's what I did doesn't mean it applies to you.
Hope your day keeps getting better.
Reading back over your first post, this bit intrigued me:
Sunday I suggested he visit his family since he doesn't make it to see them often. He left and did so. I had a nice day with our children. He texted me (when he relies on texting instead of calling it is a sure fire sign that he is avoiding interaction bc he is either a) drinking b) has been supported in his sick, resentment filled thinking - which he gets a good dose of whenever he spends time with his enmeshed, alcoholic, hateful toward me family.
Hope your day keeps getting better.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Reading back over your first post, this bit intrigued me:
If you know what happens when he spends time with his family, why did you suggest that he went to visit? I'm not blaming you for any of his behaviour, however that dynamic seems self-defeating for you. You don't need to answer that question on here (or at all - feel free to ignore me!). I recognize it from when I was involved with an alcoholic and for me I (subconsciously) created situations where there would be an argument because I was SO blooming angry that I needed a reason to let off steam at him. [/QUOTE]
That may be the case with me as well but I didn't thoroughly explain the thing with his family... He has been hinting at wanting to go, but feeling guilty about going and not being with the kids and I on a weekend day to do so, has talked about guilt about how he should go but doesn't know if he wants to (his dad is an alcoholic and dying a slow miserable death as a result).
So, after weeks of hearing about the "I think I should go" and knowing he wouldn't take the initiative to go, I suggested he go see them (bc I am always worried his dad will die and he will regret not having seen him in a long time). I also thought that having him visit would be a good way to have peace for the day.
I was okay until he started playing hardball upon his return bc he didn't like my detached demeanor. In the past I would have obsessed about how much he and his family would have spent time bad mouthing me but I didn't think of it at all until he started in with his nastiness.
I don't know if that makes sense...
I have been in the position of probably suggesting things in the past so that I could have something to be angry about that was outside of him (since expressing hurt or anger about his treatment is against the "rules"). But I don't think that was the case this time.
Then again, maybe it was.
You've given me something to think about. Thank you!
If you know what happens when he spends time with his family, why did you suggest that he went to visit? I'm not blaming you for any of his behaviour, however that dynamic seems self-defeating for you. You don't need to answer that question on here (or at all - feel free to ignore me!). I recognize it from when I was involved with an alcoholic and for me I (subconsciously) created situations where there would be an argument because I was SO blooming angry that I needed a reason to let off steam at him. [/QUOTE]
That may be the case with me as well but I didn't thoroughly explain the thing with his family... He has been hinting at wanting to go, but feeling guilty about going and not being with the kids and I on a weekend day to do so, has talked about guilt about how he should go but doesn't know if he wants to (his dad is an alcoholic and dying a slow miserable death as a result).
So, after weeks of hearing about the "I think I should go" and knowing he wouldn't take the initiative to go, I suggested he go see them (bc I am always worried his dad will die and he will regret not having seen him in a long time). I also thought that having him visit would be a good way to have peace for the day.
I was okay until he started playing hardball upon his return bc he didn't like my detached demeanor. In the past I would have obsessed about how much he and his family would have spent time bad mouthing me but I didn't think of it at all until he started in with his nastiness.
I don't know if that makes sense...
I have been in the position of probably suggesting things in the past so that I could have something to be angry about that was outside of him (since expressing hurt or anger about his treatment is against the "rules"). But I don't think that was the case this time.
Then again, maybe it was.
You've given me something to think about. Thank you!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
I was confronted and told that I was being disrespectful and that he could not work on recovery living in an environment where he was disrespected so much.
These days are hard and weird. Hugs to you!
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Wanttobe thank you for sharing your weekend and your thoughts. Crazy how much a like we all are in how we think and respond to the A in our lives. I could easily repost some of your comments and say they were mine. I get so confused over it all. I worry about what I should and shouldn't say. I question how bad it is or isn't. I wonder how much is issue is due to him being an A vs. him being simply a jerk. Because my A is very sneaky in his drinking it is very hard for me to know if he is active or not. Dry drunk or not. OR simply having a bad day (we all have those right?). Do I respond the same? Does it matter the cause of the behavior? Do I stay detached not knowing why he is acting the way he is acting? Is he baiting me to argue with him or does he have a valid point he is trying to make? For some stretch of time he seems to be getting it (that alcohol is destroying him and everything around him), and he acts like the most thoughtful, kind, LOGICAL person...BUT is that just part of his ability to manipulate me into thinking he gets it so he can continue to drink and hide the truth?
ALL of these questions are about to drive me crazy. So now I have reached the point where I know the focus has to be on ME. I need help to gain that focus and keep it. Meanwhile I still need to interact with AH, tell him where I am in all of this and right now I am struggling to find those words. (God forbid I say something that could damage HIS recovery... how's that for being a codie!)
My AH has been gone since Thursday and will be back tomorrow (yikes tomorrow!) He left on his trip knowing I was not happy, knowing that I knew he had been drinking so he has been Mr. Charming, even told me he planned out his days there so he could go to some AA meetings (he normally says NOTHING about AA or his recovery (if there really has ever been one going on)). I feel manipulated~ but yet a little part of me so wants to believe that he really is trying to get better and be a better husband. That I need to be kinder and support him, because what if this is THE time he actually does. If I detach too much now what if that is the wrong thing? (I hate being a codie almost as much as I hate being married to an A).
Best of luck to both of us finding the answers we seek.
ALL of these questions are about to drive me crazy. So now I have reached the point where I know the focus has to be on ME. I need help to gain that focus and keep it. Meanwhile I still need to interact with AH, tell him where I am in all of this and right now I am struggling to find those words. (God forbid I say something that could damage HIS recovery... how's that for being a codie!)
My AH has been gone since Thursday and will be back tomorrow (yikes tomorrow!) He left on his trip knowing I was not happy, knowing that I knew he had been drinking so he has been Mr. Charming, even told me he planned out his days there so he could go to some AA meetings (he normally says NOTHING about AA or his recovery (if there really has ever been one going on)). I feel manipulated~ but yet a little part of me so wants to believe that he really is trying to get better and be a better husband. That I need to be kinder and support him, because what if this is THE time he actually does. If I detach too much now what if that is the wrong thing? (I hate being a codie almost as much as I hate being married to an A).
Best of luck to both of us finding the answers we seek.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi wanttobehealthy-
i very much relate to your expressed feeling of being totally confused. i remember being like that. deep down inside, i knew that my life had become unmanageable but i was so worn out that my xABFs manipulation and blaming had me doubting myself.
that's when i arrived here.
i knew that i was too confused to think straight and that i was losing myself...i made a decision to follow the counsel of those here assisting me.
for me, that meant to get out of the crazy environment and take a time out...i went to my mother's house 3000 miles away for a month. in that month, i rested, wrote here and attended alanon. in that month, my head cleared and my path forward became clear.
is it possible to get out of your environment and take a break from the day to day with your husband?
i very much relate to your expressed feeling of being totally confused. i remember being like that. deep down inside, i knew that my life had become unmanageable but i was so worn out that my xABFs manipulation and blaming had me doubting myself.
that's when i arrived here.
i knew that i was too confused to think straight and that i was losing myself...i made a decision to follow the counsel of those here assisting me.
for me, that meant to get out of the crazy environment and take a time out...i went to my mother's house 3000 miles away for a month. in that month, i rested, wrote here and attended alanon. in that month, my head cleared and my path forward became clear.
is it possible to get out of your environment and take a break from the day to day with your husband?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Do you attend Alanon? In my town we have meetings with childcare. I worry about your children hearing your fights. My therapist who saw my XAH and I both seperately said I needed to tell him to do 90 meetings in 90 days or seperate. He didn't, so we seperated and eventually divorced. Cut and dry. The ball was in his court. He made his choice. Work the program you wish he would work. You may get your sanity back- but maybe not him. Your kids don't deserve to live in the insanity of addiction.
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