Going to visit AH
 

So we're going to visit AH this weekend...this will be the first time since he took his new job out of state about 5 weeks ago. I am a nervous wreck. I'm not really sure why. I think b/c this is the first time I am taking any action in connection with his move and/or the possibility of us moving too. I DON'T WANT TO GO...not for a visit, not ever. I am kind of a mess today...cried at church this morning twice when asked how I was doing...I probably only cried once all of last year, to give you a little perspective...good grief! I have been realizing that a couple of things have been keeping me in this marriage (well, besides the kids and finances). One is our wedding vows...I see this common thread in others' posts as well. Not so much our wedding vows, but more of the "religious doctrine" (in my case) behind them. By that I mean how the Bible says "the two become one flesh"...I always interpreted that to mean you are almost like one person. Now I know all of us believe all different kind of ways and we don't have to dissect what this might mean, but it's just hitting me what a recipe for codie behavior that can turn into...especially when you're married to an alcoholic! I'm starting to get past this now that I've become aware of it. The other thing that has weighed on me heavily, and I've mentioned this before, is how much alcoholism presents like a mental illness. My sister is mentally ill...she has struggled with OCD all her life...her story would be way too long and involved to tell, but let me just say that the complete break from reality, the inability for her to understand what any rational person can understand, even when indisputable evidence is right in front of her face is scary close to the way we describe our alcoholics. And in the midst of the worst of her episodes, it would NEVER, EVER have been a consideration for me to cut her out of my life. How is it any different with AH? Now, as soon as I say that, I can also say that it does seem different in some way, but I don't know why, and I can't seem to justify it. I know I'm rambling...I guess I just wonder if anyone else out there struggles with these same type of thoughts and feel the need to ask for positive thoughts to be sent my way as we venture out later this week...

I for one struggle with that all the time. My only words to you are-do what feels right for you. Keep taking care of yourself and keep reading posts and going to meetings. Keep informing yourself and listening to what you need to hear. I don't know how it happens but suddenly you get to a point where you see things with clarity and you don't second guess the choices you make. Whichever choice that might be for you. It wont be easy to make the choice or stick with it. And when you have more information- you can always make another choice.

Thanks, Jamaicamecrazy! I can't wait to get to that point! Sometimes I feel like if I list out the pros and cons it's a tossup...I want a clear and easy answer, you know? If he's not going to make different choices, I almost wish he'd do something completely ridiculous that I could say tipped the balance the other way. But sometimes I wonder if that will ever really happen either. He has never had a problem holding down a job...he makes a lot of money and is super focused on work...being "the best" really strokes his ego. He never drinks and drives so I don't see any DUIs in the near future, if ever. What would rock bottom be? And what leverage do I have to raise his bottom? I don't give him money or rides or anything really...the only thing I could do is leave, and sometimes I don't know if he'd even care about that, especially now that he's in another state and it wouldn't "look so bad" in front of everyone he knows. I mean, I know he'd care, but whether he could stop drinking to avoid it or think it was worth the effort (he can be so lazy outside of his day job), who knows?!?:gaah And I know I have to do whatever I'm gonna do regardless of what he may or may not do. I guess I just want the flashing neon sign that says "Road Closed Ahead. Exit here!"

See,you're seeing more clearly already. No neon signs unfortunately but there are definitely signs. You will see them when you are ready.