Stop the ride; I want to get off.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Stop the ride; I want to get off.
No contact is finally making sense.
I have gone from denial with my husband (talking about nice things and not discussing our separation), arguing with him to try to get him to "see the light", to trying to explain why I am divorcing him.
Yes, there is movement on my part to change MY behavior (I can choose divorce), but the codie me still wants to change him - get him (not to be fixed anymore) but to simply UNDERSTAND what I am choosing and why (not because I hate him, I've never loved him, my grand scheme to get out, etc! All the crap I have heard from him).
His brain and feelings and choices are his, FP.
AHHHHH! He is not going to "get it" so STOP!
I need to stop doing that and accept my choices for me and let him feel and do anything he wants.
I need to communicate through email and just the facts, ma'am. Details of the divorce only and not this madness.
At one point in our call, he is angrily explaining that he has ALREADY admitted he made unhealthy choices a million times and he has apologized and let's move on al-f*cking-ready!
I said this is not you stepping on my foot, where you say sorry and we move on. This has been a problem for a long time and he says, "no it hasn't".
HOLY QUACKAMOLE, Batman!
So, we go around in circles with him saying it hasn't been a long time (and me knowing from his family that it has...)
I sit in silence a long time and then say, "I am hurting you by dragging this out and I need to stop hurting you by trying to get you to see my way. Instead, I need to let you go."
His response, "You're not stopping anything. You've ruined my whole f*cking life. You've taken everything away and destroyed my dreams and future..."
I cut him off and say, "I gotta go" and hang up.
If THAT doesn't scream 'not taking any responsibility', I don't know what does! Hiswhole life AND future? I AM as powerful and I think I am!
If I was so powerful, how come I couldn't get him to be real with me, then?
Point being? Crazy-train, nutter coaster, denial-landia, rediculousness. That IS alcoholic communication so STOP TRYING TO HAVE IT MAKE SENSE and BACK AWAY FROM THE A.
(Yes, some firm self-talk with FP! LOL!)
I can't quite go NC, but I can stop this madness and just deal with details by email.
Just getting it out on "paper".
peace
I have gone from denial with my husband (talking about nice things and not discussing our separation), arguing with him to try to get him to "see the light", to trying to explain why I am divorcing him.
Yes, there is movement on my part to change MY behavior (I can choose divorce), but the codie me still wants to change him - get him (not to be fixed anymore) but to simply UNDERSTAND what I am choosing and why (not because I hate him, I've never loved him, my grand scheme to get out, etc! All the crap I have heard from him).
His brain and feelings and choices are his, FP.
AHHHHH! He is not going to "get it" so STOP!
I need to stop doing that and accept my choices for me and let him feel and do anything he wants.
I need to communicate through email and just the facts, ma'am. Details of the divorce only and not this madness.
At one point in our call, he is angrily explaining that he has ALREADY admitted he made unhealthy choices a million times and he has apologized and let's move on al-f*cking-ready!
I said this is not you stepping on my foot, where you say sorry and we move on. This has been a problem for a long time and he says, "no it hasn't".
HOLY QUACKAMOLE, Batman!
So, we go around in circles with him saying it hasn't been a long time (and me knowing from his family that it has...)
I sit in silence a long time and then say, "I am hurting you by dragging this out and I need to stop hurting you by trying to get you to see my way. Instead, I need to let you go."
His response, "You're not stopping anything. You've ruined my whole f*cking life. You've taken everything away and destroyed my dreams and future..."
I cut him off and say, "I gotta go" and hang up.
If THAT doesn't scream 'not taking any responsibility', I don't know what does! Hiswhole life AND future? I AM as powerful and I think I am!
If I was so powerful, how come I couldn't get him to be real with me, then?
Point being? Crazy-train, nutter coaster, denial-landia, rediculousness. That IS alcoholic communication so STOP TRYING TO HAVE IT MAKE SENSE and BACK AWAY FROM THE A.
(Yes, some firm self-talk with FP! LOL!)
I can't quite go NC, but I can stop this madness and just deal with details by email.
Just getting it out on "paper".
peace
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 35
Wow!! Sounds like we were dealing with the same guy today ! I can't go NC either, just because we live in the same house...but detaching is something I'm working very hard on also. Mine doesn't get it, I don't get him, the more I try to reason with him the crazier it makes me. Time to stop.
You're doing great - hang in there, we will get through this.
! I can't go NC either, just because we live in the same house...but detaching is something I'm working very hard on also. Mine doesn't get it, I don't get him, the more I try to reason with him the crazier it makes me. Time to stop. You're doing great - hang in there, we will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 38
Sounds like my AH! Just tonight I got the "don't you miss me at all" My response... well the house is clean and straight, anyone can use your bathroom without me running to make sure there is no pee or puke all over it... I have some peace, so really, not too much. I do admit I feel a little guilty after talking to him. He claims to be doing all the right things, but I don't believe it. I don't think he has surrendered. This is the first time I have ever made him leave. He is working me, but I'll be danged if he is gonna make me believe it! So frustrating!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Just got the "sorry" email.
The "i love you so much and I'm trying so hard" email.
The "I have been very upfront an accepting of the seriousness of the drinking problem" email.
Holy smokes.
I wrote a long response, dragging up old emails from him in which he denies there is a problem, or minimizes, or blames me...and saved it to the desktop as "the response that will never be sent"
peace
The "i love you so much and I'm trying so hard" email.
The "I have been very upfront an accepting of the seriousness of the drinking problem" email.
Holy smokes.
I wrote a long response, dragging up old emails from him in which he denies there is a problem, or minimizes, or blames me...and saved it to the desktop as "the response that will never be sent"
peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
FP, your weekend sounds just like mine - the "run-around" game. I had a two hour conversation at 1am trying to get him to "get it". There was this moment of true clarity - I am not "getting it" - who the heck cares if he does or not! I am not getting it that I continue to beat the dead horse over and over and over and over............Yeesh.............I am embarrassed I even tried the same old s**t again and expected the results this time to be different! Isn't that the definition of insanity?
Hello, my name is Tuffgirl and I am the definition of insanity...
From this point forward:
This time I mean it!
Good luck to you on your journey to no contact...
Hello, my name is Tuffgirl and I am the definition of insanity...
From this point forward:
This time I mean it!
Good luck to you on your journey to no contact...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay, here is something that may help. Whether your A is still practicing or in early recovery, anytime you talk with them, picture a HUGE bottle of booze.
Why?
Because that is what you are trying to 'reason' with. That is what you are trying to get to 'see your side.' etc
You cannot reason, talk to, make any sense of a BOTTLE.
This 'mental' picture has helped me many times to just stop talking, hang up the phone, or delete whatever email or text I was about to send.
Hope it can help others also.
Love and hugs,
Why?
Because that is what you are trying to 'reason' with. That is what you are trying to get to 'see your side.' etc
You cannot reason, talk to, make any sense of a BOTTLE.
This 'mental' picture has helped me many times to just stop talking, hang up the phone, or delete whatever email or text I was about to send.
Hope it can help others also.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Thanks, y'all.
I can truly say the desire to get him to "see" is an addiction.
I feel SOOOOOO compelled to try again. And again. And maybe THIS time if I say a little bit different, or if I just explain what happened, or my feelings, or what it looked like from my side he would HEAR me and GET it and REALIZE.
I am telling you. It is an addiction like no other. I CRAVE to try again. I can picture it. How great it would be - like the next drink and how pleasantly cold the beer would feel going down-kind of thing. KWIM? Wowee.
One breath at a time.
peace
I can truly say the desire to get him to "see" is an addiction.
I feel SOOOOOO compelled to try again. And again. And maybe THIS time if I say a little bit different, or if I just explain what happened, or my feelings, or what it looked like from my side he would HEAR me and GET it and REALIZE.
I am telling you. It is an addiction like no other. I CRAVE to try again. I can picture it. How great it would be - like the next drink and how pleasantly cold the beer would feel going down-kind of thing. KWIM? Wowee.
One breath at a time.
peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 
Thanks, y'all.
I can truly say the desire to get him to "see" is an addiction.
I feel SOOOOOO compelled to try again. And again. And maybe THIS time if I say a little bit different, or if I just explain what happened, or my feelings, or what it looked like from my side he would HEAR me and GET it and REALIZE.
I am telling you. It is an addiction like no other. I CRAVE to try again. I can picture it. How great it would be - like the next drink and how pleasantly cold the beer would feel going down-kind of thing. KWIM? Wowee.
One breath at a time.
peace
I can truly say the desire to get him to "see" is an addiction.
I feel SOOOOOO compelled to try again. And again. And maybe THIS time if I say a little bit different, or if I just explain what happened, or my feelings, or what it looked like from my side he would HEAR me and GET it and REALIZE.
I am telling you. It is an addiction like no other. I CRAVE to try again. I can picture it. How great it would be - like the next drink and how pleasantly cold the beer would feel going down-kind of thing. KWIM? Wowee.
One breath at a time.
peace
And, oh boy, what a relief! When that shift happened, I felt a thousand pounds lighter. It was like the proverbial clouds cleared and the sun broke through.
Here's hoping you can let go and feel that shift. Once it happens, you will wonder why you ever resisted letting go. It really is that amazing. Life awaits you, FP. Go ahead and live it.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hi FP,
This is the last gasp, huh? You must be absolutely exhausted. And it sounds like he's finally beginning to take you seriously. So maybe he feels like as long as he can keep you engaged, he can stave off the inevitable. Hence the .... Quackamole (I love it).
You can get off the ride anytime you want. If you decided, right this minute, that you never wanted to have another conversation with him, ever, you have that power. You can simply communicate through email and lawyers from now on if you choose - you have that right. You don't have to use it - but you do have that right - and you don't need anyone's permission to exercise it.
Crazy, huh?
I'm thinking of you and I think you're doing brilliantly.
SL (hugs to you, my friend).
This is the last gasp, huh? You must be absolutely exhausted. And it sounds like he's finally beginning to take you seriously. So maybe he feels like as long as he can keep you engaged, he can stave off the inevitable. Hence the .... Quackamole (I love it).
You can get off the ride anytime you want. If you decided, right this minute, that you never wanted to have another conversation with him, ever, you have that power. You can simply communicate through email and lawyers from now on if you choose - you have that right. You don't have to use it - but you do have that right - and you don't need anyone's permission to exercise it.
Crazy, huh?
I'm thinking of you and I think you're doing brilliantly.
SL (hugs to you, my friend).
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
When I'm really angry with my A the best thing I do is write "the email that's never sent." It helps me get my anger out without hurting anyone.
The only way they can show their forgiveness is through repeated positive actions, not continuous "I'm sorry" statements. If she is that sorry, she will change from the inside out. Until then.....
The only way they can show their forgiveness is through repeated positive actions, not continuous "I'm sorry" statements. If she is that sorry, she will change from the inside out. Until then.....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi FP!!!!
Yeah, for some reason when I was being divorced by/divorcing my ex-H, I still wanted him to see me as a good person, if that makes any sense. That all of it would be for the best for both of us....instead, he became a bit scary and verbally abusive. Even though he was having an affair and initiated the divorce (I was sick, I know).
This is going to hurt him, and he is going to have his own take....he own "reality" about what is going on. You will never be able to change that, I'm sorry to say.
One moment at a time! Hugs, HG
Yeah, for some reason when I was being divorced by/divorcing my ex-H, I still wanted him to see me as a good person, if that makes any sense. That all of it would be for the best for both of us....instead, he became a bit scary and verbally abusive. Even though he was having an affair and initiated the divorce (I was sick, I know).
This is going to hurt him, and he is going to have his own take....he own "reality" about what is going on. You will never be able to change that, I'm sorry to say.
One moment at a time! Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
Thanks, y'all.
I can truly say the desire to get him to "see" is an addiction.
I feel SOOOOOO compelled to try again. And again. And maybe THIS time if I say a little bit different, or if I just explain what happened, or my feelings, or what it looked like from my side he would HEAR me and GET it and REALIZE.
I am telling you. It is an addiction like no other. I CRAVE to try again. I can picture it. How great it would be - like the next drink and how pleasantly cold the beer would feel going down-kind of thing. KWIM? Wowee.
One breath at a time.
peace
I can truly say the desire to get him to "see" is an addiction.
I feel SOOOOOO compelled to try again. And again. And maybe THIS time if I say a little bit different, or if I just explain what happened, or my feelings, or what it looked like from my side he would HEAR me and GET it and REALIZE.
I am telling you. It is an addiction like no other. I CRAVE to try again. I can picture it. How great it would be - like the next drink and how pleasantly cold the beer would feel going down-kind of thing. KWIM? Wowee.
One breath at a time.
peace
I am just as ill as he is...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
FP, this thread is a great reminder to the rest of us "codie addicts" out there who still think we have some magical sentence that will make the light bulb go off for the A's in our lives.
You are right, sometimes I too crave that ONE LAST CONVERSATION thinking this time it will be different; this time he will magically change.
The person changing here is me. I am slowly backing away from this relationship. The old me would have bought into the guilt and responsibility of following through with my original offer on his birthday (see my own thread here from yesterday) the new me says no, thank you and have a great day!
The new me is realizing the defeat in the war against the bottle. I lost. I put up a good fight. But I lost nonetheless. Why? Because we all lose when that is the choice. None of us are powerful enough to snag the bottle from the drinker! As Laurie said above, early recovery is all about this...it has nothing to do with us at all. He isn't thinking about me - except to continue to be very, very angry with me. He isn't considering my feelings here at all, except to stomp on them when he does recognize they are there - like a cockroach that just scurried across the kitchen floor. He doesn't want me, miss me, give one wit about me. He misses his booze, like a long lost lover! I bet he grieves it, like I have had to grieve the loss of the dream of this family we were going to have together.
Everyone was right when they told me it will be a long time before these people "change" and by that I mean grow up, live differently, start walking the early AA talk. Start feeling; having sympathy and empathy for others, not just wallowing in their own self-pity. A long time. Not two months. Probably more like two years.
I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable and the only person who can truly fix that is me. Damnit. It really is that simple.
I don't know about all of you, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I am going to make today the first day of the rest of my life. Again. But maybe this time it'll stick. And each day I'll start to be better and a little less ill myself.
You are right, sometimes I too crave that ONE LAST CONVERSATION thinking this time it will be different; this time he will magically change.
The person changing here is me. I am slowly backing away from this relationship. The old me would have bought into the guilt and responsibility of following through with my original offer on his birthday (see my own thread here from yesterday) the new me says no, thank you and have a great day!
The new me is realizing the defeat in the war against the bottle. I lost. I put up a good fight. But I lost nonetheless. Why? Because we all lose when that is the choice. None of us are powerful enough to snag the bottle from the drinker! As Laurie said above, early recovery is all about this...it has nothing to do with us at all. He isn't thinking about me - except to continue to be very, very angry with me. He isn't considering my feelings here at all, except to stomp on them when he does recognize they are there - like a cockroach that just scurried across the kitchen floor. He doesn't want me, miss me, give one wit about me. He misses his booze, like a long lost lover! I bet he grieves it, like I have had to grieve the loss of the dream of this family we were going to have together.
Everyone was right when they told me it will be a long time before these people "change" and by that I mean grow up, live differently, start walking the early AA talk. Start feeling; having sympathy and empathy for others, not just wallowing in their own self-pity. A long time. Not two months. Probably more like two years.
I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable and the only person who can truly fix that is me. Damnit. It really is that simple.
I don't know about all of you, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I am going to make today the first day of the rest of my life. Again. But maybe this time it'll stick. And each day I'll start to be better and a little less ill myself.
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