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HELP! Weekends are the hardest...

Old 03-06-2011, 06:27 AM
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HELP! Weekends are the hardest...

STBXAH is off at an AA meeting now. Weekends are the hardest time...usually by Monday I am a quivering bowl of jello, questioning my decision to leave, confused and a general "hot mess" but by Thursday I'm okay and *somewhat* confident. The last words he said before he left this morning were "I know you won't stay, but I really wish you would". Yesterday we went through the Christmas stuff in the basement, splitting it up and I boxed up what was mine. I got a quote from the movers and it was WAY more than I expected (but I have the $$ for it)...still waiting on more details from them. The realtor is coming by today to talk about listing the house. Now H isn't sure if he wants to stay here or try to sell, has offered to buy me out (great news, right? why does that make me feel bad when it's what is right and what I want??). The whole weekend is full of tension, sadness, anxiety, and here I am AGAIN wondering if I'm doing the right thing by leaving. God I hate this rollercoaster. I can't stay, I know that. It's not healthy, the trust is gone, I know he won't change, if I stay I'll just resent him....gaaahhh!! This is SO hard. Yesterday I was extremely angry, today I am anxious and sad. Thankfully tomorrow I see my counselor. I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it and wonder if/when I'll ever feel normal again. It's too early to call my friends back home for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Words of wisdom....support...help...please....and thank you....ugh.
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:43 AM
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Good morning, threewishes. It's nice to meet you. I can only say what happened with me. I put off divorcing my husband for too long thinking that surely he would see what a good life we had together and quit drinking. Of course it never happened. Finally enough was enough and my divorce was final a year ago January. I no longer live in insanity. That is priceless. It doesn't mean that I don't have sad times because I had to divorce someone that I love. I do. But I am again in control of my life. I wouldn't go back to the craziness for anything.

Hugs to you.
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:43 AM
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alanon?

You might attend alanon meetings......
They say to wait to make decisions until so many visits..I forget....

The face to face at the very least with give you some comfort. I promise!!
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:57 AM
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passionfruit is right about AlAnon. It has helped me a LOT! Please find a meeting in your area and go.
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Old 03-06-2011, 07:37 AM
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People on SR often give the advice to "play the tape all the way through" and that has always helped me.

I left my exafb when our daughter was 6 weeks old. I returned to him when she was 8 months, I left again when she was 22 months. I wish I had played the tape through and never gone back. I needed to help myself at that time and instead I continued to focus on him.
It is a really hard decision. Stay strong.
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Old 03-06-2011, 07:42 AM
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Go back and read your first thread. There was so much loving support in there. It helped you feel much better then and will probably do so now. Also, maybe re-watch the Carlin video.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2882745
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Old 03-06-2011, 07:58 AM
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I am going through the exact same thing right now. It is scary and exciting at the same time. The scary part is ending this for good and all the emotions that come with that and the exciting part is having PEACE in my life. I know I am doing the right thing and so are you. WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Just take it one day at time and listen to your gut and heart. Mine tells me that is I fall for the manipulation (AA meetings, I will change for good this time, I Love You etc.) I will be stuck in the same position in a few months. WE have already tried that numerous times and it did not work.

Take it easy on yourself and keep posting. Everyone here is so helpful ande I do not think I would make it without them.
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:02 AM
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Letting go of confusion (March 11, Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie)

Sometimes the way is not clear.

Our minds get clouded, confused. We aren't certain what our next step should be, what will it look like, what direction we are headed.

That is the time to stop, ask for guidance, and rest. That is the time to let go of fear. Wait. Feel the confusion and chaos, then let it go. The path will show itself. The next step shall be revealed. We don't have to know now. We will know in time. Trust that. Let go and trust.

Today I will wait if the way is not clear. I will trust that out of chaos will come clarity.

Now, threewishes, that is not to say you should WAIT on your decisions and postpone your actions, but maybe just to give yourself a little time to feel everything you are feeling when they hit you.

I found this reading very helpful yesterday as I struggled to make a very hard decision. It is a roller-coaster, and I am slowly but determinedly extracting myself from that ride.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!
~T
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:11 AM
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Thank you all....playing the tape all the way through, that's good to remember. I too get caught up in the manipulation (subtle and not-so-subtle - "I love you so much", "I'm doing the right things now", "I don't understand why you won't give us a chance", "I'll do anything to make this work", etc.). That's why the weekends are so hard - he has two solid days to work me, try to break me down and make me question my decision. I wind up feeling sorry for him and worrying about him (as I have for how long now??). The reality is I've given him many chances and there was no change until I said I was leaving - and that change is minimal. I must stay strong....

I did receive wonderful support on my first post and will re-read it (and watch the video too, just for a good laugh ). The al-anon meeting is right when the realtor is coming over but I'll look into when others are during the week and get to some. I'm sorry to sound so waffle-y and if I keep repeating myself - I know the back-and-forth business has got to get old (at least it sure is for me!!).
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:25 AM
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I think you're doing GREAT, and the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal ones.

The only caveat in terms of "buying you out" on the house--make sure you aren't potentially on the hook for the mortgage. If he can do it, you're right, that would really be the best. The RE market isn't so hot right now, so whatever gets you out with the least muss and fuss is probably a good decision.

Look, you have made your decision to leave for all the right reasons. Hopefully, he will embrace recovery and get well, and two people will go on to have happy lives--separately.

My Al-Anon meetings were a lifesaver when I was preparing to leave and move back across the country. I wish I'd stayed involved when I got back, though--maybe it would have helped to prevent my own slide into alcoholic drinking and a brand-new bad relationship (with a non-alcoholic). It was like I made my escape and then screwed myself over by making the mistake of thinking that all my problems were over once the alcoholic was out of my life. Instead, I handed my fate over to another dysfunctional person and to the bottle.

Keep your eyes on the prize!
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Old 03-06-2011, 04:42 PM
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Whew...almost done with the weekend (boy will I be glad when Sunday night is something I DON'T look forward to!). Made it through the realtor visit and more talks with AH - I could see clearly the "quacking" he was doing and am still firm in my resolve to leave, maybe even more so now.

Big thanks to you all for being here and helping me through a rough day.
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Old 03-06-2011, 05:13 PM
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In my case, one aspect of my codependency seems to be that I lost my instinctive ability to trust my intuition. Through counseling I am working on recuperating that.

Sounds like you are doing well and you know the next right thing to do. Here's to a great week!
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