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Normal behavior? Am I being a bit nutso?

Old 03-06-2011, 01:29 AM
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Normal behavior? Am I being a bit nutso?

My RAH has always had a problem with prioritizing.

He can't finish projects, he can't follow through with anything at all, but his real downfall seems to be that he has a habit of having many single friends.
single friends who don't have gf or kids.

He thinks it's perfectly fine to leave the kids at 2pm (yes w/ my college aged son..who IS responsible and capable) and go run errands, hang w/ his friends, hit a meeting, stop for dinner and then another mtg and then coffee after etc... he literally got home at 12:15 am.

I told him right off the bat that I was irritated with the fact that he left the kids ALL day to go do what he wanted to do...rather than spend time w/ them. He countered with "I only left them for 4 hours...you got home at 6 from work".
Is he right?
am I being stupid?
but I really have a hard time w/ his inability to put his kids first in his life...to me that's just wrong.
FYI...he isn't drinking, he isn't out w/ other women...he just hangs w/ younger guys (he's 36 and a majority of his AA buddy's are younger young to mid 20's)...
He loves playing at being 'single guy'..staying out late drinking coffee w/ his friends, playing video games for hours w/ them etc...
I don't know if I'm jealous..or if I'm just mad.

I think i'm finally realizing that alcohol wasn't THE problem...the fact he's a selfish a##hole is.
I don't think they have a 12 step program for that.
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Old 03-06-2011, 05:27 AM
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It seems that even when they do get into recovery things don't change. They stop drinking but are still missing alot and not really emotionally there. This is why I want out. I feel why go through all that and still have someone who is not there for me. I have done that for too many years.
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:40 AM
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He thinks it's perfectly fine to leave the kids at 2pm (yes w/ my college aged son..who IS responsible and capable) and go run errands, hang w/ his friends, hit a meeting, stop for dinner and then another mtg and then coffee after etc... he literally got home at 12:15 am.
I too did this, to a degree, during the first year or so of my recovery, BUT 1) I had not husband or children at home at the time, and 2) it would be after work until 2 or 3 am and all weekend long. WHY? Because to be perfectly honest with you, it was the only time I felt SAFE from booze, being with my 'sober' friends that I was acquiring from meetings. Not an excuse, just showing how 'fragile' my early recovery was.

It seems that even when they do get into recovery things don't change. They stop drinking but are still missing alot and not really emotionally there.
Your are absolutely correct!!!!! When an A (myself included) gets sober they are at whatever age emotionally and mentally, when they first started drinking.

As an example I found recovery 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, however, I was emotionally and mentally at the age of somewhere between 12 and 14, and it took years (at least 3 to 5) to start to feel like I was actually acting, responding, being responsible like an adult.

Even though I personally have been through this, have worked with sponsees in recovery seeing their experiences also, I still have forgotten it and had codie expectations that when an A in my life got sober and clean it would be life as usual, NOT.

It is extremely difficult after having lived years with a practicing A, to continue to have patience and tolerance and detach when the A finally finds recovery.

I have seen some couples make it, with lots of very hard work on both their parts, each working their own program, going to some 'couples' meetings (AA and Alanon), eventually going to some roundups and conventions (that encompass both AA and Alanon) together and slowly getting back to a normal life.

I have seen just as many, if not more decide to 'part ways'. Not that they didn't 'try' just that the stress during the yuears of practicing could not be overcome.

Each of us with an A in our lives has to decide when 'enough is enough' whether it be while the A is still practicing or after the A finds recovery.

It can be so hard for me (my codie side) to stay in reality when the dream was/is that once he/she is sober everything will be great.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:13 AM
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I think Laurie nailed it.

Here's a thought. Maybe you could get him to agree that on at least a couple of days a week, he will stay home at least until after dinner. He DOES need the time with his AA friends, but he shouldn't be absent ALL the time.

BTW, is he working, or looking for work?
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:20 AM
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Mine began as a teenager; I still see that level of maturity even at 100+ days in recovery. I am very aware of the phenomenon laurie describes above (thanks for that well said interpretation) and that I am dealing with someone who is at the emotional level of a 15 year old. He can't prioritize like I can - I was busy growing up while he was busy drinking. I now recognize this process will take much, much longer than I expected and am taking steps to remain disengaged to retain my own sanity. I also have to keep my expectations very low. I focus on celebrating each day he doesn't drink first and foremost. The rest, as frustrating as it may be to me, isn't worthy of making an issue of. If I did, I am no better than I was before, being a nagging wife with high expectations that he can't possibly meet. Easier said than done when its EVERYDAY. But each day I try anew. Some days are better than others.

He doesn't "get it" yet, and probably won't for a long time. I expected a quick fix and have had to suffer through the bitter defeat of that not happening. That was my mistake. Not his.

Giving up the dream is hard. Going on without them is hard. Letting them progress on their own time-frame is hard. But its the only way. We can't continue to drag them kicking and screaming into maturity. Letting go truly means that, but also means the responsibility of being the "grown up" falls squarely on you. Sometimes I resent the heck out of that, but I do accept what it means.

Selfish a$$hole, yes. But it is because he hasn't learned how to be anything different. Yet. Stay strong!
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:41 AM
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I agree with everything that has been said, but I saw something else in your post that jumped out at me. I think it's very unfair to expect your college aged son to be responsible for his siblings. They aren't HIS kids, they are yours and your husband's. You are at work, but your husband isn't. It's HIS responsibility to watch the kids if he is not working. It might be different if your husband actually had a job and your college-aged son was asked to help out. But for your husband to just put the burden on him because he wants to go hang out with his friends is BS, IMHO. I definitely agree that he should stay home until after you all have had dinner together. If he wants to go hang out with his groupies after that, then fine.
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:48 AM
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This thread reminded me of the only part of that old video
'Men are from Mars Women are from Venus'
that I ever saw....

it's the part about when a man gives a woman a dozen roses.
HE thinks he's bought 12 'wrongs.
THE WOMAN counts it as a single credit.
And never for a wrong in advance.

something like that.

HE thinks he just left the kids for four hours
because YOU were home at six.
No thought of your son or you.

YOU realize he left the kids the entire DAY.

SHows me a disassociation with the kids as not being people
but more a thing to be monitored
like a boiling pot or something.
As long as a warm body is left with 'it'
then it's okay.

Not sayin it's not selfish-
\it's just where the thread took my mind.
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I agree with everything that has been said, but I saw something else in your post that jumped out at me. I think it's very unfair to expect your college aged son to be responsible for his siblings. They aren't HIS kids, they are yours and your husband's. You are at work, but your husband isn't. It's HIS responsibility to watch the kids if he is not working. It might be different if your husband actually had a job and your college-aged son was asked to help out. But for your husband to just put the burden on him because he wants to go hang out with his friends is BS, IMHO. I definitely agree that he should stay home until after you all have had dinner together. If he wants to go hang out with his groupies after that, then fine.
I agree 100% That is my major beef w/ the situation.
it isn't right to expect my oldest to parent them because he can't be bothered.
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