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Old 03-05-2011, 12:06 PM
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Hi all!

I'm here to talk about how to cope with an alcoholic family member. I need people to talk to that have been in my shoes, because my family and friends, don't know the half of it.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in Feb 2010, been in remission for 6 mths now, but everything has been downhill from that point on. At first he was addicted to the pain pills, now he is completely off of it and alcohol has became his best friend. When you love someone you do everything you can to help them, I spent many sleepless days going back and forth to the hospital, work, home, and taking care of our three year old and I'm still doing it because his drinking is worse than cancer. He doesn't think he has a problem because he can say no anytime and he only drinks to go to sleep, which is such a lie. I have a bad habit of believing the best in people and now after a year and a half of unfortunate events, I'm lost. I'm starting to second guess myself and my beliefs. His drinking has really took a toll on all of this. 1. He tried to hurt himself because he was so angry that I wouldn't accept his drinking 2. he got drunk and started huffing paint and downed a whole bottle of ambien 3. He got drunk again and told everybody including our 3 year old that he didn't care about anyone, those are the three things that I will never forget. It's one thing to drink, it's another thing to abuse it. He can drink, its just that he has a disposition to do so, and it's just not working out. I stay because I don't have the heart to take our daughter away, he hasn't harmed her physically but I know that he has altered her mentally with the drinking.

This alcohol abuse is the worse thing ever, second to none. It just hurts to cry everyday, to miss work because I couldn't sleep through the drinking, it just hurts. You think that if someone survived cancer they would start to enjoy life and learn from it, but unfortunately he didn't. I'm all for helping him but enough is enough and I told myself to move forward before I get resentful.

Now I am resentful, angry, and lost.

What would you do?
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Old 03-05-2011, 12:11 PM
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After all of those things that he has done, he has started over from the last event that happened two days ago. He is now starting to take medication for RLS and he is continuing his anxiety pills. It's so easy for me to think that these things aren't real and that he doesn't need it, but I know he has a lot of things to deal with and he doesn't know how to man up. I just need someone to fall back on and have a sense of security, and he use to be all of that and now I just feel alone. I haven't been to an Al Anon meeting because it took me a long time to realize that he has a problem. It really sucks.
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:03 PM
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Hello SweetDina and welcome! Things are slow around here this weekend but please stick around and there will be folks around soon with better advice than I could give.

I do know firsthand the insanity of living with an alcoholic. The things that helped me were this forum and also going to AlAnon. Please find a local meeting in your area and give it a try. It is one of the best things that you could do for yourself.

In the meantime you can gets lots of info by reading the sticky posts at the top. They contain a world of information.

Prayers for you.
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:28 PM
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:20 PM
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My XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) started drinking heavily when he decided he had cancer. He didn't, he just decided that he did, because that's what he decided to believe.

At first the drinking was mostly contained.
Then it was partially contained.
Then he couldn't control when he drank, but he did control how much throughout the day, and he was constantly complaining about everyone else but saying how wonderful I was for sticking by him.
Then he couldn't control when he drank, he drank everything he had available, and he blamed it all on me, and told me what a horrible person I was because I couldn't make him stop drinking.
It got even worse after that, and eventually I hit my own bottom and left.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it's very easy to get sucked into the madness, and just wonder over and over if there's something that should have been done to prevent this.

It's important to remember the 3C's:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

Originally Posted by SweetDina View Post
This alcohol abuse is the worse thing ever, second to none. It just hurts to cry everyday, to miss work because I couldn't sleep through the drinking, it just hurts. You think that if someone survived cancer they would start to enjoy life and learn from it, but unfortunately he didn't. I'm all for helping him but enough is enough and I told myself to move forward before I get resentful.
This alcohol is certainly causing a problem for YOU, which means that yes, you need to do something about it. We can't tell you what to do. We can tell you what we did. We can tell you what worked for us, and what didn't work for us - but ultimately, you need to do what you feel most comfortable doing, when you feel ready to do it.

I will say that you can't make him stop - he will only do that when he is ready, if he is ever ready.

I will say that attending Al-Anon helps - a lot. I'd recommend attending at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if this is right for you:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Also, you mentioned that there is a three-year-old involved. Living in this situation will absolutely affect him, so he will need some sort of assistance as well. I am not experienced with children, but I do know that the three-year-old will need to feel he has a safe parent to go to should he need someone, and that trying to make excuses for his father (or talking badly about his father) will make matters worse.


You are in the right place. You are not alone.
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Old 03-06-2011, 10:30 AM
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Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for the reason you're here,
but glad that you've found SR.

I hope you'll find the friendship and support here
that you're going to need for the road ahead.

Have you considered finding a support group in your area?

Help and support in real life can make all the difference.

Again - welcome!
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