What gets me...
 

is that I have actually done the things I thought were right in life for the most part.

Yet the few things I have done that I thought were wrong haunt me everytime the spotlight is put on me..in an interview for example.

They don't by any means compare to the things my AH does on a daily basis to me or anyone else he takes hold of.

Yet, it seems the world sees him as a nice guy.

I sit here beating myself up like I am really a crappy person. I know I am not.

Someone said or I read, if people really knew me, they wouldn't like me.

I feel like I am afraid to look people in the eye because they might know the bad things I have done in life.

I am not bad. Yet, I find myself believing that. I find myself thinking maybe AH is right. I am not that great a person.

I am tired of being afraid of everything and every one. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of needing approval from someone else to be good enough. I AM TIRED.

I want to walk into a place and feel I am equal to. Alot of times I walk in believeing I am better than and walk out feeling less than. Both are wrong, yet here I am.:headbange

:hug:

We are all human and we have ALL made mistakes in life. Don't allow anyone to make you feel "less than" and don't allow yourself to make you feel "less than." You are NOT less than.

Have you considered reading some books on self-esteem issues? Everyone has those issues to one degree or another, but it might help to learn some ways of knocking those thoughts out of your head when they creep up.

Please, don't let your AH define you. I believed what XAH told me for far, far too long. My confidence was totally gone and so was my strength. I was isolated with very few friends - but the ones I did have kept me grounded.
Please, find someone to talk to.
My counsellor helped me a lot. She told me to say out loud the things I said to myself in the space of my own head. To listen carefully and realise that I am far too harsh with myself. Would I say these things about another person? Why was it OK to be so harsh to myself? She also got me to stop 'should'ing in my head. I 'should' be this that or the next thing. Really hard work to be so self aware. Sometimes just saying out loud all the nasty negative things makes me realise that they are NOT true. I'm only human. I don't have to be perfect. Read my signature line. Givelove posted that in a thread and it really struck me. I am worthwhile, I do belong on this planet, just by virtue of breathing. You are too. :hug:

Thanx for the encouragement.

I have been going to alanon religiously. I am reading a book on codependency and one on abandonment. I have a sister and a friend of 30 years I talk to at least 4-5 times a week each. I am seeing a DV counselor at least once a week.

I am about sick of crying, talking about AH's (*ssh*le, oh I meant alcoholic hubby) crap, feeling bad about myself, feeling sorry for myself, and I could go on. I get tired of hearing myself.

I think I am getting on for a day, then this severe panic flip sets in. I find myself running as fast as I can to get away from this horrible feeling. Sometimes, I think I have dodged it only to discover it has come back with aggression in the form of self-loathing or depression or sadness or despair.

I just want to be well (as much as I can be anyhoo)!

Go away bad feelings! Get thee behind me! I cast you out! (in the name of sanity!!)