Almaz

Realizing that a partner is an alcoholic is bad enough... When a small child (age 4) is involved, the divorce alternative is not always the best. When living in a country like Russia, things even become more complicated - especially considering that the husband of the wife in trouble is not a native Russian.

Russian authorities will not so easily give custody to the foreign male, no matter how serious the situation with the mother of the child might be...

Anyone with experiences of a similar situation?

Yes, the mother is in a strong denial phase, but definitely in deep water, drinking alone basically every day...

barb dwyer

Hi Almaz-

No, I haven't got that kind of experience but .. wow!

Plus, there's the whole culture thing there with alcoholism.

I'm glad you've found us!
We're something anyway...

I don't suppose the consulate or embassy can point you
in any direction to take the next step?

I hope you'll keep posting and keep us in the know
on what's going on with you.

reefbreakbda

Hi Almaz,

Sorry to hear of your situation.

Is divorce what you are considering? Do you see any alternative way?
Through things like Al-Anon we can learn to live and let live.
You wife may seek recovery also.

Take care and welcome to SR.

There are amazing people and I hope you can get some of the experience, strength and hope that I got here too as I began the journey of recovery for me and my children.

Reef

Almaz

Well, divorce is not the ultimate solution. I have been trying all sorts of approaches to make her realize that the situation is bad, but the only things that comes out is the aggression and bad excuses like "I am drinking just because you are the way you are etc"...

Having the experience with previous female relatives being in the same situation as my wife, I kind of pretty much know what to expect, unless the person herself realizes that this is a problem.

Our child will start attending kindergarten full days starting from September 1st, which will improve the situation a bit, but the problem with my wife's drinking will of course not be solved by that...

I try to talk to hear when she is sober, but a 100% barrier so far to admit the problem.

Almaz

Thanks a lot for the welcoming support!

Yes, the culture is a whole lot different, but on the other hand, people here always have an alcoholic close - either in the family or in the friendship circle, so the experience is there.

On the other hand, female alcoholism is not less of a taboo here...

I was also thinking about seeking some advise from the Embassy, but in the ideal of situations, I hope that she will somehow realize that her problem is related to drinking and not related to her husband trying to make her quit.

Needless to say, I am a pain in her ... no matter if I try to tell her in a nice way, or affected by the frustration of not being able to change her.

She also in not receptible for the remarks that her drinking is also harming the upbringing of our daughter. Yes... she tries to do everything perfect like the "excellent mother"... but when not realizing that falling a sleep for an hour or two while the child is sitting and painting aquarells... or making jigsaw puzzles is of course not "ideal"...

She is also a young person (around 35), so it makes things even more worrying. If our daughter was 10 years older, it would be easier to handle this, but for me to sit in the office and be nervous if and when she will start drinking every day is making me go mad...

suki44883

Can you arrange for daycare for your daughter? It would be better than her being alone with a drinking mother. I like the idea of you talking with the embassy. Maybe they can provide some suggestions. I'm sure you already know it, but, the welfare of your daughter is the paramount issue here.

Almaz

Thanks for your concern.

I am trying to find a solution until the summer starts and her older sister (19 years) will have a chance to spend all days with her during her summer vacation from College. They are very close and the older daugher is extremely mature and finds true joy in helping her little sister to feel taken care of.

The Grandmother is also aware of this problem and is trying to help us much as possible...

Not any longterm solutions I know... but I di not want to involve external daycare until she will start in the permanent kindergarten in September.

suki44883

Family members are an even better option. I didn't know if there were any, but yes, that would be a tremendous help. The main objective is to have someone sober watching over your daughter.