The "non-alcoholic" moderate-heavy drinker.
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Location: Tucson, AZ
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The "non-alcoholic" moderate-heavy drinker.
I am not sure what 'heavy drinking' is, I am sure everyone's opinions differ on that, but I am talking about 3-4 mixed drinks or a 6-pack of beer a day. I am asking about someone who is not alcoholic in the sense that they can control their drinking, and haven't 'progressed'. People who have drunk the same way for years and years. Alcohol does not interfere with their lives. They drink in the evenings, rarely get "drunk-drunk", and do not spend their days thinking about when they can pick up that first drink.
My question is: Is this *inherently* problematic, in and of itself?
I ask because both my parents fit this description. I am not sure how much their drinking has affected my life, because they have been like this since I was a kid, and I don't know anything different. I feel that they may have been less 'available' when I needed their attention, and I think that sort of drinking does not do good things for the brain and contributed to their often-grumpy or irritated mood when they were not drinking.
There are some, though, that consider this an alcoholic. I waiver back and forth between whether my parents were alcoholic, or whether they just drank a bit more than the usual person because they liked alcohol. By AA's standards, neither was a 'true alcoholic' the way I am-- my alcoholism/addiction is continuing, progressive, and fatal. They are the sort that may die a few years early from excessive alcohol intake, but to me, that is no worse than dying a few years early from excessive Big Mac intake.
I am really just looking for ways to cope with my parents' drinking, whether it is alcoholic or not. My parents are divorced now, but both kept their drinking habits.
My mom is very supportive of me, but when I told her our house was now an 'alcohol-free' zone, she decided not to come see us for Christmas. This is her choice, but it's a shame, because she lives far away, and rarely gets to see her grandson (my 2.5 yo). I think she is also often in denial of how bad my drinking and drugging got. She didn't see it all firsthand, so I'm not sure she quite 'gets it', but she is supportive nonetheless.
My dad's drinking is much more of a social thing than my mom's, though he will still drink as far as I know, if others aren't around. He LOOOVES his beer, though. He kept telling me about this new beer tap or something that he got and now has Guinness and home-brew on tap at his house (he has been home-brewing for about 12 years now). I was feeling triggered, so I told him "Well, I'm trying to live my life free from alcohol now." He said "Oh, I'd just as soon kill myself." WTF?! He has also told me we could drink together if I came to visit, and that he wouldn't let me get 'too drunk' (and he experienced my drinking first-hand a few times-- once I threw up on his dog!). I think he 'gets it' a bit more now, but we don't talk a lot, so I'm not too sure what he thinks of this whole thing.
My question is: Is this *inherently* problematic, in and of itself?
I ask because both my parents fit this description. I am not sure how much their drinking has affected my life, because they have been like this since I was a kid, and I don't know anything different. I feel that they may have been less 'available' when I needed their attention, and I think that sort of drinking does not do good things for the brain and contributed to their often-grumpy or irritated mood when they were not drinking.
There are some, though, that consider this an alcoholic. I waiver back and forth between whether my parents were alcoholic, or whether they just drank a bit more than the usual person because they liked alcohol. By AA's standards, neither was a 'true alcoholic' the way I am-- my alcoholism/addiction is continuing, progressive, and fatal. They are the sort that may die a few years early from excessive alcohol intake, but to me, that is no worse than dying a few years early from excessive Big Mac intake.
I am really just looking for ways to cope with my parents' drinking, whether it is alcoholic or not. My parents are divorced now, but both kept their drinking habits.
My mom is very supportive of me, but when I told her our house was now an 'alcohol-free' zone, she decided not to come see us for Christmas. This is her choice, but it's a shame, because she lives far away, and rarely gets to see her grandson (my 2.5 yo). I think she is also often in denial of how bad my drinking and drugging got. She didn't see it all firsthand, so I'm not sure she quite 'gets it', but she is supportive nonetheless.
My dad's drinking is much more of a social thing than my mom's, though he will still drink as far as I know, if others aren't around. He LOOOVES his beer, though. He kept telling me about this new beer tap or something that he got and now has Guinness and home-brew on tap at his house (he has been home-brewing for about 12 years now). I was feeling triggered, so I told him "Well, I'm trying to live my life free from alcohol now." He said "Oh, I'd just as soon kill myself." WTF?! He has also told me we could drink together if I came to visit, and that he wouldn't let me get 'too drunk' (and he experienced my drinking first-hand a few times-- once I threw up on his dog!). I think he 'gets it' a bit more now, but we don't talk a lot, so I'm not too sure what he thinks of this whole thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I don't think either of your parents understand your situation. This is something you might want them to understand fully--by calling yourself an alcoholic in their presense and making it known that alcohol for you is a downward spiral to he!! and that if you drink you will do things to destroy your life, relationships, work, family, and health.
As for your parents, I think if they don't come for Christmas because there's no drinking, then they have problems whether they want to admit it or not. Since when is drinking around grandchildren a necessity? Think about it.
I highly suspect that your parents were emotionally unavailable for you quite often. We all know that a single drink changes the mood of the person who is drinking. I drink socially, so I'm not anti-alcohol, but I know what it does to my thinking and mood, because I can feel it. I am less available emotionally for anyone--period. If it's a child with emotional needs, learning to understand how relationships work, they are going to get the short end of the stick if their parents are emotionally checked out into alcohol land.
Your parents may or may not be alcoholic. Asking them if they have withdrawal symptoms is something they may not answer truthfully. But your story of them certainly points to that they would have emotional withdrawal from alcohol, so they definitely sound like abusers of alcohol, and whether they are truly alcoholic--well does it even matter to label them to you?
I cannot for sure label my exh as an alcoholic. Only him and a doctor could decide that. But I know as a daily drinker, that I his exw, really felt robbed all the time. Something was missing in intimate true connections. He was emotionally checked out, or available emotionally only in an intoxicated manner, even when he was sober. It's not just me--all the people in his life that have been close to him feel the same way.
As for your parents, I think if they don't come for Christmas because there's no drinking, then they have problems whether they want to admit it or not. Since when is drinking around grandchildren a necessity? Think about it.
I highly suspect that your parents were emotionally unavailable for you quite often. We all know that a single drink changes the mood of the person who is drinking. I drink socially, so I'm not anti-alcohol, but I know what it does to my thinking and mood, because I can feel it. I am less available emotionally for anyone--period. If it's a child with emotional needs, learning to understand how relationships work, they are going to get the short end of the stick if their parents are emotionally checked out into alcohol land.
Your parents may or may not be alcoholic. Asking them if they have withdrawal symptoms is something they may not answer truthfully. But your story of them certainly points to that they would have emotional withdrawal from alcohol, so they definitely sound like abusers of alcohol, and whether they are truly alcoholic--well does it even matter to label them to you?
I cannot for sure label my exh as an alcoholic. Only him and a doctor could decide that. But I know as a daily drinker, that I his exw, really felt robbed all the time. Something was missing in intimate true connections. He was emotionally checked out, or available emotionally only in an intoxicated manner, even when he was sober. It's not just me--all the people in his life that have been close to him feel the same way.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I'm an adult child and my alcoholic parent was a perfectly well-respected member of the community who held a full time job and cared deeply about her family. All that said, her drinking was inherently a problem. She wasn't available emotionally and we all organised ourselves around a deep, deep denial about how serious her drinking really was.
She was this:
"People who have drunk the same way for years and years."
And this:
"Alcohol does not interfere with their lives."
But you know what? Alcohol didn't interfere with her life because her whole life was organised around it. We were organised around it - and it took me years to realise how deeply that had affected me.
If your parents don't spend all day thinking about their first drink (can anyone know this for another person?) how come your Dad would rather be dead than give up drinking? How come your Mom missed Christmas with the grandkids?
Your Mom stayed home rather than be in a house where she would be able to take that first drink, your Dad would rather be dead than face that prospect. Whether they're alcoholics is immaterial (believe it or not). Even if they are, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and if your Dad would rather be dead than stop drinking, he's already told you that there's nothing you can do about it.
So the question isn't really whether it's inherently problematic for them - the only question you can answer is whether it's inherently a problem for you now that you're sober.
Being sober and having a dry house might mean that you have to accept your Mom won't be coming to visit. You have every right to your feelings about that, whatever they might be.
In the rooms we hear about people, places and things - unfortunately for me, the "people" included some dear friends and family members I care about deeply. I still love them, I just had to work on accepting that my recovery journey was going to put some distance I hadn't expected between me and some of the people in my life whose relationship to alcohol maybe wasn't so healthy.
I hope this is helpful - take what you like and leave the rest.
SL.
My question is: Is this *inherently* problematic, in and of itself?
She was this:
"People who have drunk the same way for years and years."
And this:
"Alcohol does not interfere with their lives."
But you know what? Alcohol didn't interfere with her life because her whole life was organised around it. We were organised around it - and it took me years to realise how deeply that had affected me.
If your parents don't spend all day thinking about their first drink (can anyone know this for another person?) how come your Dad would rather be dead than give up drinking? How come your Mom missed Christmas with the grandkids?
Your Mom stayed home rather than be in a house where she would be able to take that first drink, your Dad would rather be dead than face that prospect. Whether they're alcoholics is immaterial (believe it or not). Even if they are, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and if your Dad would rather be dead than stop drinking, he's already told you that there's nothing you can do about it.
So the question isn't really whether it's inherently problematic for them - the only question you can answer is whether it's inherently a problem for you now that you're sober.
Being sober and having a dry house might mean that you have to accept your Mom won't be coming to visit. You have every right to your feelings about that, whatever they might be.
In the rooms we hear about people, places and things - unfortunately for me, the "people" included some dear friends and family members I care about deeply. I still love them, I just had to work on accepting that my recovery journey was going to put some distance I hadn't expected between me and some of the people in my life whose relationship to alcohol maybe wasn't so healthy.
I hope this is helpful - take what you like and leave the rest.
SL.
My question is: Is this *inherently* problematic, in and of itself?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Well, I am pretty sure my dad was joking when he said he'd just as soon kill himself without alcohol, but I think the nugget of truth in there was that he would have a REALLY hard time adjusting to life without alcohol.
My uncle's partner's sister is alcoholic, and got into my mom's rum at a family function, after several months sober. Not that my mom was to blame for this, I just feel she should know better, due to what she has heard from me about my recovery and active addiction, than to take alcohol around an alcoholic when there is an option to leave it behind.
[Background story: My mother in law was visiting us, and mentioned that she was on Klonopin and Soma. I found her meds, took a handful of Somas, and a Klonopin. Maybe an hour or so later, I had polished off her 2 weeks worth of Klonopin. I had to have my stomach pumped. I learned that day that 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough (had fully intended on taking just one Klonopin) and my mother in law learned not to tell a drug addict you have drugs, because they will find them!]
Anyway, I think what y'all are saying is that it IS a problem, and you are right, my parents were often emotionally unavailable-- all the yelling and "go plays" (It breaks my heart when my husband tells our son to 'go play' even when he means it perfectly innocently, because that was my parents' way of saying "leave me alone"). I guess I will be browsing this forum and the ACOA forum more, so I can deal better with them.
My uncle's partner's sister is alcoholic, and got into my mom's rum at a family function, after several months sober. Not that my mom was to blame for this, I just feel she should know better, due to what she has heard from me about my recovery and active addiction, than to take alcohol around an alcoholic when there is an option to leave it behind.
[Background story: My mother in law was visiting us, and mentioned that she was on Klonopin and Soma. I found her meds, took a handful of Somas, and a Klonopin. Maybe an hour or so later, I had polished off her 2 weeks worth of Klonopin. I had to have my stomach pumped. I learned that day that 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough (had fully intended on taking just one Klonopin) and my mother in law learned not to tell a drug addict you have drugs, because they will find them!]
Anyway, I think what y'all are saying is that it IS a problem, and you are right, my parents were often emotionally unavailable-- all the yelling and "go plays" (It breaks my heart when my husband tells our son to 'go play' even when he means it perfectly innocently, because that was my parents' way of saying "leave me alone"). I guess I will be browsing this forum and the ACOA forum more, so I can deal better with them.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
My parents were emotionally unavailable also, although there was no alcohol in the house.
Go outside and play, I'm cleaning the house! It was such a familiar line back then. Now parents think that if they don't know where their kids are every second of the day that somebody should be calling cps on them. This was the way it was in nearly every household. Different times.
However, my parents thinking when talking to me wasn't distorted the way drinker's thinking is.
It's not reality, it's an altered state, plain and simple. Something is lost...honesty and sincerity. Not that I always liked my parents brutal honest and sincerity! Just saying...something is missing and lost.
Go outside and play, I'm cleaning the house! It was such a familiar line back then. Now parents think that if they don't know where their kids are every second of the day that somebody should be calling cps on them. This was the way it was in nearly every household. Different times.
However, my parents thinking when talking to me wasn't distorted the way drinker's thinking is.
It's not reality, it's an altered state, plain and simple. Something is lost...honesty and sincerity. Not that I always liked my parents brutal honest and sincerity! Just saying...something is missing and lost.
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
to SR...we are here to help and give you our stories...hope it helps in some wayMember
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Just trying to make it different for my kid.
Anyway, I think what y'all are saying is that it IS a problem, and you are right, my parents were often emotionally unavailable-- all the yelling and "go plays" (It breaks my heart when my husband tells our son to 'go play' even when he means it perfectly innocently, because that was my parents' way of saying "leave me alone"). I guess I will be browsing this forum and the ACOA forum more, so I can deal better with them.
As far as ACOA goes, they welcome all adult children who grew up with dysfunction.
I saw myself acting like one of my parents and words coming out of my mouth to my children that I swore I would NEVER do.
This, I think is my final step to wholeness.
No more harsh lessons for me, addiction, codependency, and a general feeling of less than, punishing myself has not worked so far.
So, I am reading and trying to digest the Big Red Book for Adult Children.
I am getting better, and you can too.
Beth
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As a loved one of an alcoholic and someone that drinks socially on occasion; I believe even if non alcoholic, but moderate/heavy drinker does affect us. If I drink 2-3 bottles of beer, the next day I am slow motion and very tired. Exhausted and can sleep very early.
I know if I have important things to do, or a long day, or tasks requiring 100% focus I will not have ANY alcohol the day before.
Have also noticed can forget things more easily.
I guess having the insight to realize it is the alcohol that caused this is something many alcoholics do not see, or cannot see, or delude themselves with.
I know if I have important things to do, or a long day, or tasks requiring 100% focus I will not have ANY alcohol the day before.
Have also noticed can forget things more easily.
I guess having the insight to realize it is the alcohol that caused this is something many alcoholics do not see, or cannot see, or delude themselves with.
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