Insecurities
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Insecurities
Hi Everyone,
I need to talk about insecurities.
Well I have been in a relationship now for four months and things have been going very well. I'm noticing though how extremely insecure I am, I'm really seeing it for the first time in my life.
My back ground as child was a sex addicted parent (father) and an alcoholic mother. So when it comes dealing with males I find it very difficult because all I saw growing up was a completely out of control sex addicted parent who had 3 or 4 girlfriends going at a time.
So........in my relationships with men as an adult I've always ended up in the same scenario......the guy fooling around. The men I've picked have alway been active alcoholics and active addicts and not the most savory of people.
Present day I have a very good relationship with a very loving man who is a recovering heroin addict. When we met he hadn't had a relationship in 7 years.
The other night we were talking about something and something about his past sex life came up (which happened 25 years ago )and I just panicked inside thinking about "what if that were to happen now" or "what if he's still like that he's not really the person that he makes himself out to be"? stuff like that.
So I told him that it probably wasn't a very healthy thing for our relationship to be talking about either of our past sex lives since I don't think either one is particularly one to be proud of.
He agreed with me said he doesn't want to talk about stuff like that anyway.
And then yesterday my friend e-mails me some pictures of an article that a magazine is doing on her so I show them to my s/o and he makes the comment that she's a pretty girl which she is.
But that just sends me off into another round of "is he saying that because he wants to fool around with her"? "is it possible that people can say someone is good-looking without it being a sex thing?" and trying to reassure myself that it's just a compliment that he's giving her and that's all it is. All this stuff seems to put the fear of god in me that he'll cheat on me and that he'll just take off with someone else.
This is really screwing me up because I hate feeling this way.
Sorry this is so long. I'd appreciate some feedback on this.
Thanks Ngaire
I need to talk about insecurities.
Well I have been in a relationship now for four months and things have been going very well. I'm noticing though how extremely insecure I am, I'm really seeing it for the first time in my life.
My back ground as child was a sex addicted parent (father) and an alcoholic mother. So when it comes dealing with males I find it very difficult because all I saw growing up was a completely out of control sex addicted parent who had 3 or 4 girlfriends going at a time.
So........in my relationships with men as an adult I've always ended up in the same scenario......the guy fooling around. The men I've picked have alway been active alcoholics and active addicts and not the most savory of people.
Present day I have a very good relationship with a very loving man who is a recovering heroin addict. When we met he hadn't had a relationship in 7 years.
The other night we were talking about something and something about his past sex life came up (which happened 25 years ago )and I just panicked inside thinking about "what if that were to happen now" or "what if he's still like that he's not really the person that he makes himself out to be"? stuff like that.
So I told him that it probably wasn't a very healthy thing for our relationship to be talking about either of our past sex lives since I don't think either one is particularly one to be proud of.
He agreed with me said he doesn't want to talk about stuff like that anyway.
And then yesterday my friend e-mails me some pictures of an article that a magazine is doing on her so I show them to my s/o and he makes the comment that she's a pretty girl which she is.
But that just sends me off into another round of "is he saying that because he wants to fool around with her"? "is it possible that people can say someone is good-looking without it being a sex thing?" and trying to reassure myself that it's just a compliment that he's giving her and that's all it is. All this stuff seems to put the fear of god in me that he'll cheat on me and that he'll just take off with someone else.
This is really screwing me up because I hate feeling this way.
Sorry this is so long. I'd appreciate some feedback on this.
Thanks Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
******{myles1}}}}
Sending you hugs, because I know how painful those insecure emotions can be. Just try to remember that you are a special person, and anyone is lucky to enjoy as much of you as you choose to share with them. If they do not appreciate it, or do ANYTHING to upset you, they just aren't good enough for you. You will be ok without them and you will certainly find another nice person to share some of yourself with. The trick is in realizing it is NOT all about how lucky you are to have their attention. It is that they are lucky you want their attention at all.
Hang in there.
Sending you hugs, because I know how painful those insecure emotions can be. Just try to remember that you are a special person, and anyone is lucky to enjoy as much of you as you choose to share with them. If they do not appreciate it, or do ANYTHING to upset you, they just aren't good enough for you. You will be ok without them and you will certainly find another nice person to share some of yourself with. The trick is in realizing it is NOT all about how lucky you are to have their attention. It is that they are lucky you want their attention at all.
Hang in there.
Guest
Posts: n/a
I'm sending hugs your way. I know what it's like to feel insecure in a relationship and it stinks. I am in a relationship that I thought was completely stable and loving for over a year and just a few weeks ago,my bf comes up with he's not sure what his feelings are....Yet,we are still spending every weekend together(we live in different towns),and when we are together things are very good.
I guess I just don't "get it" and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...Sigh.
I do think that men and women can be friends only,even when they find each other attractive if they are trustworthy.Two of my oldest and dearest friends are men and I would never think of carrying on with them...But, there are those that will cheat,just for the sake of it....I guess the only thing to do is to pay attention to his actions rather than the past or what your head is telling you....I'm trying to do the same thing myself,and I know it's not easy...I hope everything gets better soon.
Take care,Vampy
I guess I just don't "get it" and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...Sigh.
I do think that men and women can be friends only,even when they find each other attractive if they are trustworthy.Two of my oldest and dearest friends are men and I would never think of carrying on with them...But, there are those that will cheat,just for the sake of it....I guess the only thing to do is to pay attention to his actions rather than the past or what your head is telling you....I'm trying to do the same thing myself,and I know it's not easy...I hope everything gets better soon.
Take care,Vampy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
(((Ngaire)))
I understand the triggers and feelings of panic in certain situations. I picked up a book a few months ago that really helped me...called Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It does a great job of describing personal traits of unsafe people, but it also goes into why we often choose to develop relationships with unsafe people, how to recognize the red flags and also describes traits of safe people.
I've been reading lots of books by credible authors during the past several months as a part of my healing and recovery process. A major commonality among these books tells us to begin to trust our inner feelings.....our inner voice. That feeling in your gut that something is just not right.
I strongly recommend that you pick up a copy of Safe People. I believe that it has helped me in many situations and also helped me take a look at myself and change my patterns.
I feel for you.....like I said, I do know that strong feeling of panic. It may, indeed, be nothing more than you feeling a little insecure, but don't ignore it.
Take care.
I understand the triggers and feelings of panic in certain situations. I picked up a book a few months ago that really helped me...called Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It does a great job of describing personal traits of unsafe people, but it also goes into why we often choose to develop relationships with unsafe people, how to recognize the red flags and also describes traits of safe people.
I've been reading lots of books by credible authors during the past several months as a part of my healing and recovery process. A major commonality among these books tells us to begin to trust our inner feelings.....our inner voice. That feeling in your gut that something is just not right.
I strongly recommend that you pick up a copy of Safe People. I believe that it has helped me in many situations and also helped me take a look at myself and change my patterns.
I feel for you.....like I said, I do know that strong feeling of panic. It may, indeed, be nothing more than you feeling a little insecure, but don't ignore it.
Take care.
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
Thanks for sharing.
myles1 Your message was really good for me to see this morning. I'll keep it close to my heart as I go through today. I can tell you one thing, I look forward to the day when my male "friend" does the same thing he did to me - to her! Wait until she feels the pain of his flirting around, talking to other women, etc., etc. He'll get bored with her when he is convinced I am no longer interested in spending any time with him. He wanted to go out with me when she wasn't available! And vice versa - go out with her when she was available and have me find someone else - (what a piece of work!!!). And, he's a CHEAP CREEP! I've reached my limit and am pulling back, way back. He wants to continue to be friends - but I say - this is not my idea of friendship. I prefer my own company (alone with me by myself) to this "arrangement"
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Ngaire,
I too struggle with insecurity - daily. It eats away at me and steals my peace. There are men out there who will cheat and those that won't. But our insecurity keeps us from being able to tell the difference sometimes. But the better we feel about ourselves, the healthier we are and the better our relationships can be.
There's a book called 'Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward that you might want to look into. The more we examine our childhood and how we were affected by our family dysfunction, the more we'll be able to break the destructive patterns.
Hugs,
JG
I too struggle with insecurity - daily. It eats away at me and steals my peace. There are men out there who will cheat and those that won't. But our insecurity keeps us from being able to tell the difference sometimes. But the better we feel about ourselves, the healthier we are and the better our relationships can be.
There's a book called 'Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward that you might want to look into. The more we examine our childhood and how we were affected by our family dysfunction, the more we'll be able to break the destructive patterns.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
I was suprised by my own insecurities, and it took me quite awhile in recovery to "feel" them, "identify" them, and then longer to find ways to confront the negative beliefs that were creating them.
Working the steps helped me the most. As I developed a strong relationship with my HP, I found I relaxed and felt less fearful that old patterns would grip me forever in life. I trust my HP for my own recovery.
May you find some relief........*hugs*
Working the steps helped me the most. As I developed a strong relationship with my HP, I found I relaxed and felt less fearful that old patterns would grip me forever in life. I trust my HP for my own recovery.
May you find some relief........*hugs*
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
To Thine Own Self Be True
Myles1,
Hello there. I want to share a meditation that I looked at today that seemed so appropriate for what you are dealing with. I hope it reminds you of all the progress you have made and that you celebrate the person you are today. The person you have allowed yourself to become!
Peace,
Petunia
********************************************
And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man.
--Shakespeare
To Thine Own Self Be True
"To thine own self be true." "Live the life you were meant to live." "Be the person you were meant to be." These statements convey a wonderful truth - that when we go inside and trust our intuition, life opens before us. When we ignore our inner leanings, however, trouble arises.
Joe had a love of the outdoors; but like his father, he became addicted to his work. Though he built up a successful law practice, Joe felt creatively stifled and inwardly desolate. One day Joe was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Realizing he had nothing to lose, he decided to pursue his passion and hike the Pacific Coast trail. Six months later, the tumor had disappeared.
Trying to live out somebody else's life script is like putting a size 10 foot into a size 7 shoe. The size simply does not fit. No matter how hard you force yourself to adjust to your situation, the discomfort continues.
Why not start off with the right fit? Acknowledge your unique gifts and talents, as well as your wants and needs. Then seek out situations and circumstances that will allow them their full expression. This route may take time, but the results are worth it: a life of peace and fulfillment that comes from being true to yourself.
Hello there. I want to share a meditation that I looked at today that seemed so appropriate for what you are dealing with. I hope it reminds you of all the progress you have made and that you celebrate the person you are today. The person you have allowed yourself to become!
Peace,
Petunia
********************************************
And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man.
--Shakespeare
To Thine Own Self Be True
"To thine own self be true." "Live the life you were meant to live." "Be the person you were meant to be." These statements convey a wonderful truth - that when we go inside and trust our intuition, life opens before us. When we ignore our inner leanings, however, trouble arises.
Joe had a love of the outdoors; but like his father, he became addicted to his work. Though he built up a successful law practice, Joe felt creatively stifled and inwardly desolate. One day Joe was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Realizing he had nothing to lose, he decided to pursue his passion and hike the Pacific Coast trail. Six months later, the tumor had disappeared.
Trying to live out somebody else's life script is like putting a size 10 foot into a size 7 shoe. The size simply does not fit. No matter how hard you force yourself to adjust to your situation, the discomfort continues.
Why not start off with the right fit? Acknowledge your unique gifts and talents, as well as your wants and needs. Then seek out situations and circumstances that will allow them their full expression. This route may take time, but the results are worth it: a life of peace and fulfillment that comes from being true to yourself.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Sending HUGS your way Ngaire;
Reader's digest verson;
Trust is earned....in my opinion four months would not be a long enough time for me to trust anyone....inscurities or not...
Do take care! Alot of members have share some really good stuff already for you to think about...
Reader's digest verson;
Trust is earned....in my opinion four months would not be a long enough time for me to trust anyone....inscurities or not...
Do take care! Alot of members have share some really good stuff already for you to think about...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
If he had shown you a picture of a male friend of his and you thought that he was nice looking, would that mean that you wanted to go to bed with his friend?
If you have had a good relationship with this man and have seen no signs of what you are afraid of, why not just accept that he might be a good guy who thought your friend was pretty.
It is hard to overcome insecurity but if you have no reason to distrust this man, why not give him a chance?
Hugs, Jo
If you have had a good relationship with this man and have seen no signs of what you are afraid of, why not just accept that he might be a good guy who thought your friend was pretty.
It is hard to overcome insecurity but if you have no reason to distrust this man, why not give him a chance?
Hugs, Jo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the feedback.
I just want to clarify something............I'm talking about my hellish insecurities in my head, not anything that he's done because he hasn't done anything. It's my baggage.............I'm used of men who say somebody is pretty and then put the make on them. Like I said I've never been with a faithful, normal guy who can say somebody is pretty just because they are and not want to hit on them. So I don't even know what normal is. I'm looking for ways to help me deal with my baggage of this.
Ngaire
Thanks for all the feedback.
I just want to clarify something............I'm talking about my hellish insecurities in my head, not anything that he's done because he hasn't done anything. It's my baggage.............I'm used of men who say somebody is pretty and then put the make on them. Like I said I've never been with a faithful, normal guy who can say somebody is pretty just because they are and not want to hit on them. So I don't even know what normal is. I'm looking for ways to help me deal with my baggage of this.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
"Trust equals Predictability"
Well I have to say he's very predictable, he's there when he says, phones when he says, does what he says he going to do, I don't have any guesswork with him so I think that is a good sign.
I'm going to order that book Safe People.
Ngaire
Well I have to say he's very predictable, he's there when he says, phones when he says, does what he says he going to do, I don't have any guesswork with him so I think that is a good sign.
I'm going to order that book Safe People.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 14
Yup - Insecurities!
I too have had a role model of a father that always cheated and for the most part was blatant about it. My A and I have been together for 8 years and he just got out of a 60 day in-house recovery center. I have been insecure forever. He has never cheated on me but is an outgoing, good looking man that attracts women all the time. He doesn't have to do anything - I witness it. When he so much as looks at them I come apart inside. An example, last week he went and closed one cheking account and opened another due to fraud on his account. The woman at the bank has called my house several times saying she wanted to let him know that his check has gone through and then followed up with a card with her business card in it, thanking him for coming in to the bank (he has done business with for 10 years - just not her!) and telling him to call her anytime, ending with "Again, thank you so much" and I am the one that thinks the worst. I have been at the same bank for 20 years and never had a personalized note from a teller! Naturally, I think this woman is hitting on him (And I still feel she is). He was in construction and the 'guys' are all hound dogs and quite used to "looking" at any female in the area, but when it comes time that he is with me - I get very upset if he even glances at woman jogging by or in a restaurant or whatever. I know jealousy is terrible, but not sure how to get over it or if this action is disrespectful to me 
Not much help here huh! But I certainly know the agonizing feelings you have. I pray that my HP will guide me to know the difference.
Not much help here huh! But I certainly know the agonizing feelings you have. I pray that my HP will guide me to know the difference.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 14
I have but back when he was still drinking. He always said it was me, my jealousy. That he never did anything and 'glancing' was a natural thing for a man as long as he didn't to it too long. So I always thought it was me, and perhpas it is - I know a lot of women that say Big Deal! I'll bring it up to my therapist next week!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Looking doesn't mean anything in reality, but I know in my mind I can blow it right out of proportion and turn it into something it's not. I mean I can look at guy and think he's good looking but that's as far as it goes. So I ask myself why am I so insecure the other way.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
My solution is the steps. I was overly attached to people for my sense of well-being. The solution for me has been to detach from my own illness......and from others.
Nobody will ever be able to fill up that hole. No man can ever be good enough. That's a spiritual problem and calls for a spiritual solution.
Just my experience......
Today, I don't expect people to make me happy or feel secure.
Nobody will ever be able to fill up that hole. No man can ever be good enough. That's a spiritual problem and calls for a spiritual solution.
Just my experience......
Today, I don't expect people to make me happy or feel secure.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 11
I cannot believe this topic...
I have been struggling with insecurities, jealousy, low self esteem for a very long time......
My dad also was addicted to other women and my mom (I guess) you could call her a functioning alcoholic.
I have never been able to trust any man, when I did have boyfriends they always cheated and most of them cheated with my girlfriends.... Good friends, huh???
I am now married to an active drug addict, never cheated (except with his pills) and he can understand my past so will tolerate my jealousy.
Since I have been studying the 12 steps and "Letting Go to God", I am slowly letting go of the insecurities. I am starting to realize that I am a special person and I don't have to be afraid of somebody letting me down. Whatever makes them happy great, but whatever makes me happy is really great!!
Like 12stepmarce said "I started to detach from my own illness."
This would not be happening if I didn't marry an addict and start attending nar-anon, this forum and finding God in my life...
It definetly (for me) is a spiritual solution....
Ngaire, Thank you so much for bringing this topic up, I thought I was the only crazy person with this horrible jealousy/insecurity issue....
Prayers and hugs
Sharlene
I have been struggling with insecurities, jealousy, low self esteem for a very long time......
My dad also was addicted to other women and my mom (I guess) you could call her a functioning alcoholic.
I have never been able to trust any man, when I did have boyfriends they always cheated and most of them cheated with my girlfriends.... Good friends, huh???
I am now married to an active drug addict, never cheated (except with his pills) and he can understand my past so will tolerate my jealousy.
Since I have been studying the 12 steps and "Letting Go to God", I am slowly letting go of the insecurities. I am starting to realize that I am a special person and I don't have to be afraid of somebody letting me down. Whatever makes them happy great, but whatever makes me happy is really great!!
Like 12stepmarce said "I started to detach from my own illness."
This would not be happening if I didn't marry an addict and start attending nar-anon, this forum and finding God in my life...
It definetly (for me) is a spiritual solution....
Ngaire, Thank you so much for bringing this topic up, I thought I was the only crazy person with this horrible jealousy/insecurity issue....
Prayers and hugs
Sharlene
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