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in laws irritate me

Old 03-03-2011, 08:54 PM
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in laws irritate me

Oh I just need to vent...My poor little man got Influenza B since last Saturday and we have been home all week, which includes their dad. For some weird reason he took the week off...and then we all end up sick.

Things just escalated today, fight after fight he tries to pick and then me sitting there crying and my kids, who are so young are just confused and put in a situation they should not have to be in hearing their dad bicker all day long.

My in-laws live a few miles from us, which we hardly ever see, maybe once a month if that. Well, exA decided to tell his mom that we are separating and I am moving out. Not sure what he told her, but A was basically trying to tell me I am going to be left with nothing and be so poor and suffering because stuff doesn't just get handed to me. A's grandpa gives each grandkid a vehicle, well A is the oldest and he just got his last year because of his DUIs and whatever else. So his grandpa got us a van but put my name on the title and his name is on the lien card. I guess I don't really understand-because A says that since his grandpa bought it (with cash) that if he wants to he can come and get the van, I don't have any say even though im on the title? I guess I am not sure and it is just a thing for him to say you will loose this too. His mom I guess is so worried about the van and that I am not going to take it!

I called her and I guess it just was pointless, it made me so upset.I just wanted to have her hear my side. Of course her son is perfect and is so high and mighty because he didn't drink for a whole year. She says I will ruin the kids and they will be in a horrible place when their parents aren't together. Apparently exA told his mom that I have been praying and she is trying ot tell me that I don't need to go overly crazy about religon. Then she tells me how I need to look at my life and then look at the people that have no legs and are stuck in a wheel chair, basically I have it so much better than them. She works at the VFW(bar) doing pull tabs, She says, "Oh there is this one man that comes in everyday and is stumbling drunk, but his wife still stays by his side and they have two kids." I don't think it would be worth it to explain things, I don't know...I was thinking of writing her a letter because she never lets me talk. exA says, "Omg they will think you are so dumb if you write a letter" People just irritate me when they think THEIR own son would never do such a thing.

Am I crazy just because I am on head meds? exA thinks that they are "messing with my head" I have been on the same meds for almost 2 years. I strait out tell exA that he is verbally and emotionally abusive, as is his dad. Probably not the best thought but he keeps telling me to "tell" him what he is doing wrong...so I do. I ordered the book, "why does he do that" and it is soo good, Its hard to find time to read and I want to just sit and read it all day. Thank goodness for spring break next week at school, my little ones have preschool but my school is closed so I am planning on maybe packing some stuff up, getting stuff situated to move out.

I am so torn between staying and finishing school here or going back to the cities where my parents live. exA's family is...not supportive. All the people I used to hang out with were women whose husbands are alcoholics. So I have pretty much dropped those friends. I need new ones and I have some at Al-anon, I don't know why but I am so scared to call them and feel like I am bothering them.

I was seriously thinking I was having a retail therapy addiction for the past 3 months. It kept getting exA soo mad that I was spending money, it was on "thrifty" things or crafts etc. not like huge purchases but I felt out of control in some sort. This whole, "I need to go shopping and find good deals" went away after I told exA that I am done. That was my way of coping, unhealthy way of coping with the stress and the constant back of my mind thinking of what the next move will be. I feel more relieved, but his mother just makes me irritated and I just need to not talk to her.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:31 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You are NOT crazy...do not let him or his parents talk you into believing something about your situation other than what you know to be true...you are living with it...you see it...you know what it is whether they want to admit it or not. And no matter who might be living in a "worse" situation, it doesn't change the enormity of what you're dealing with...it is not a contest, and you feel how you feel. No one else is in charge of that. I don't live in Minnesota...I'm sure you can call the DMV where you are to find out about the title issue, but in general, you own the vehicle if the title is in your name. The bank can still take it if the lien isn't paid, but as long as the loan is current, it is yours.
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:33 AM
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Sometimes I take self-imposed breaks from talking to people and I just write my thoughts down. It helps me not to hear all their quacking.
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:39 AM
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I'd avoid the in-laws. Who cares what they think? I wouldn't write them any sort of letter because you don't owe them any explanations.
Your mother-in-law's stories about her bar customers, have nothing to do with your life. People who hang out in bars are not good role models for you or your children.

Your religious views are personal and no one has the right to intrude into your spiritual life. You pray your little heart out if you need to.

As for you medications. If you are concerned about them, go see a doctor. I'm not a doctor and I can't say what your medicines are doing to your head. But after reading your post I'm sure that your AH and his family are messing with your head and your heart. You deserve better.

I don't know about the van either. But, if it's paid for and your name is on the title it's your vehicle. It sounds awfully fishy to me that there would be a lien card on that vehicle if the grandfather paid cash. Sounds like Grandpa was covering himself by putting the van in your name. He doesn't want to be held liable for your alcoholic husband driving drunk and hurting someone. Call the DMV. I'd be willing to bet you own that vehicle and that's what your relatives are afraid of.

If it's your vehicle then you can it back to the cities where your parents live.

I wouldn't pay much attention to anything an alcoholic says. You need to go online and search for divorce laws in your state. You'll have an advantage if you know exactly what the laws are and what your rights are. Your man is trying to keep you ignorant and intimidated.

When you learn what's what, keep quiet about it. Don't share any information but use it to your advantage.

You are a young woman. You can start over. Things can be difficult for awhile but probably not as bad as they are now.

You'll have peace of mind. When you feel good, all sorts of good things will come your way because your heart will be open to them.

Have a hug.:day6
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:51 AM
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I don't know about the van either. But, if it's paid for and your name is on the title it's your vehicle. It sounds awfully fishy to me that there would be a lien card on that vehicle if the grandfather paid cash. Sounds like Grandpa was covering himself by putting the van in your name. He doesn't want to be held liable for your alcoholic husband driving drunk and hurting someone. Call the DMV. I'd be willing to bet you own that vehicle and that's what your relatives are afraid of.
Yep, this what I thought too. Typical.

Avoid AH and all of his supporters.
Call an AlAnon friend, you need someon to give you perspective face to face.
And, I doubt you would be bothering them, this is what AlAnon is about, supporting each other.

You sound strong and determined.
You can do this.

Beth
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Old 03-04-2011, 10:17 AM
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A man much wiser than me once said:

When a man makes up his mind without evidence, no evidence disproving his opinion will change his mind. This person was Robert A. Heinlein.

Of course in his age "man" was used as we would use "person" today, so as not to gender discriminate.

What he is saying here directly applies to your situation. Regardless of the facts as you see them, the inlaws will NEVER change thier opinion.

You are far better venting on here.

Your alcoholic husband sounds so typical of so many others. he says what he wants to be the truth. Yet there is no supporting evidence what he says is or will be true.

Sounds like your decision to leave is reasonable and sound. And I wish you much luck. Distance yourself and remind yourself regularly: He will say ANYTHING to get what he wants. if what he wants is to hurt you, then he will say whatever it takes. If what he wants is to reconcille, again he will say ANYTHING. Be strong.
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Old 03-04-2011, 10:43 AM
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I get the same feeling about the van. I work in insurance and handle claims regularly. If he paid cash there would be no lien card. That being said, even if there is a lien somewhere, his name would still have to be on the title to have any interest other than the payment in the vehicle. They sound manipulative........you can contact the DMV. They can search the VIN and see if there is any lien out there attached to it.

I feel that staying in the alcoholic marriage is even more dangerous when the family is in denial. They almost seem to be in that mob mentality-attack mode. God knows what all he is saying to them. This sounds like it could get pretty nasty....but keep your head on straight (which it is, I believe. your post is very coherent ) so don't let them make you feel crazy. You sound just fine to me. My judgement isn't always correct, OBVIOUSLY, or I wouldn't need this site, but if he is saying you are moving out then I think you should take the opportunity and do just that. I am sure that this isn't the life you want for you or your kids. It can only go up from here.......I know, I have been there.

Good luck and keep posting and reading.
M
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Old 03-04-2011, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
I feel that staying in the alcoholic marriage is even more dangerous when the family is in denial. They almost seem to be in that mob mentality-attack mode. God knows what all he is saying to them. This sounds like it could get pretty nasty....but keep your head on straight (which it is, I believe. your post is very coherent ) so don't let them make you feel crazy. You sound just fine to me. My judgement isn't always correct, OBVIOUSLY, or I wouldn't need this site, but if he is saying you are moving out then I think you should take the opportunity and do just that. I am sure that this isn't the life you want for you or your kids. It can only go up from here.......I know, I have been there.
Yep! I couldn't say it better. This is excellent advice.
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