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So sad tonight...

Old 03-03-2011, 08:46 PM
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So sad tonight...

I had my AH leave Sunday. I got a huge promotion Tuesday! Why am I so sad?? My best friend had a baby today. I am so happy for her... I am so sad for me. I hate feeling selfish! I'm suppose to have that life too! I have done everything right! Got my Masters, got married, wanting a child so bad! My sister was killed by a drunk driver 11 years ago, so his drinking was even more a slap in the face. I've cried so hard tonight, the first time since I made him leave. He is trying, but he has tried before. So I got to get over this pity party! I hate my life situation right now. i hate he is holding me back from happiness and the hope for a child. All I can do is feel sorry for myself!

Sorry, needed to vent.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:17 PM
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So sorry. It sucks! There's no way to sugar coat it. Once you make a decision that this is what needs to be done, the hurt is still there. You are grieving for the person you lost and the plans you made. Be gentle with yourself. Cry if it makes you feel better. Go out with friends. Go to an Al Anon meeting. I have never gone to one feeling bad that I didn't feel so much better when I left. Remember- you only have to get through one day at a time. I know it sounds like such a cliche but I found that helped me so much. On the bad days I would just think that I only had to make it through that one day. It was less overwhelming and I found the next day was usually better. It does get better.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by BenRadBel View Post
I had my AH leave Sunday. I got a huge promotion Tuesday! Why am I so sad?? My best friend had a baby today. I am so happy for her... I am so sad for me. I hate feeling selfish! I'm suppose to have that life too! I have done everything right! Got my Masters, got married, wanting a child so bad! My sister was killed by a drunk driver 11 years ago, so his drinking was even more a slap in the face. I've cried so hard tonight, the first time since I made him leave. He is trying, but he has tried before. So I got to get over this pity party! I hate my life situation right now. i hate he is holding me back from happiness and the hope for a child. All I can do is feel sorry for myself!

Sorry, needed to vent.
It's fine to be sad. you're entitled. But don't beat yourself up. Just know that even though I'm a total stranger to you, I'm so very proud. I wish I would have had the courage to kick my wife out 20 years ago.

I just kept hoping things would get better. I didn't see the problem. I had no one telling me the straight version, like you get here.

Move on. There are plenty of sober people out there. Alcoholics just wear everyone around them out. Just image how you life will be when you find an honest, caring, loving, and thoughtful person to share your life with. Someone to grow old with that you truly enjoy being around.

Embrace this new chapter in your life and tell yourself the best part hasn't been written yet.

Be strong. Well done.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:33 PM
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I know this doesn't make you feel better about not having children...and I hope I'm not being insensitive but I would do anything to have avoided my children growing up the way they have, watching me be treated badly, them ignored, having their Father call me a F$%^&*^& C#@$ while I'm trying to hussle them out the door to the safety of my parents.... it was just SICK that I did that, ALLOWED that.
I will always have to have a relationship w/ my RAH because of my kids. I don't know what I want from him at this point but I can say that I don't want that for myself or my kids and refuse to accept it ever again.
You can walk away and know that you never have to deal w/ your A again.
I will always have to deal with him.
Whether I want to or not.
It sucks
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Old 03-03-2011, 10:39 PM
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I went thru a period where anyone with a family would trigger my depression and rage...it was my daughter who is the addict, but any happy family felt like a slap in the face..I got to alanon and stopped feeling so bitter really quickly..working a program put me in touch with my gratitude and helped me accept things the way they are..
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Old 03-03-2011, 11:59 PM
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Remember that you haven't always felt this way.
You will not always feel this way.
Right now, you feel this way. Sad. Lonely. Scared. Tired.
And that's OK. You are allowed to cry and scream and all that jazz.
Doesn't mean you're not happy about your promotion, doesn't mean you're not happy for your friend and the new baby -- it just means you are feeling sad for yourself, your dreams, your broken relationship. Right now. So allow yourself that. You can have more than one feeling at the same time, right?

And then pat yourself on the back hard enough that you sit up and take notice, and give yourself an "attagirl" for still standing and moving ahead with your life without the A. Because you can and you will.
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:02 AM
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Thanks guys. The reason we do not have a child yet is due to the back of my mind holding on to "he is an alcoholic". He keeps texting me how much he misses me, that I am all he needs.... doesn't sound like surrender to me. Last night he called and I just lost it, I told him how I felt, how freaking sad I was that my life is what it is right now, etc. He ended up saying stuff to where I would feel bad for him b/c he caused all the pain in my life. I just shut it down. I am not gonna do this. Well, off to my counselor!
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:10 AM
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No, it doesn't aound like surrender and good for you for noticing that!Took me a while..what lalamy said is so true..you will not always feel like this..you may for a while, but feelings change, and knowing that helped me when I was really in it..that one day I would be back out..
As for the baby thing..lots of people on here suggest going to the adult children of alcoholics forum on this site to seee how alcoholism effects children..you may wind up really patting yourself on the back for your decision..
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:41 AM
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I applaud you for deciding not to have children with an A. It must have been a hard choice to make.

Perhaps you can tell yourself that there are many women in the world who choose to become solo mothers because they'd rather parent alone than with an incompetent partner. After the heartache I went through during my pregnancy and after the birth of my daughter, I would like another opportunity to experience a happy pregnancy and birth...and if "the right guy" doesn't come along, I won't hesitate to get try insemination to get preggo and go it alone. I know it's not for everyone, but it *is* an option.
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Old 03-04-2011, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by BenRadBel View Post
Thanks guys. The reason we do not have a child yet is due to the back of my mind holding on to "he is an alcoholic". He keeps texting me how much he misses me, that I am all he needs.... doesn't sound like surrender to me. Last night he called and I just lost it, I told him how I felt, how freaking sad I was that my life is what it is right now, etc. He ended up saying stuff to where I would feel bad for him b/c he caused all the pain in my life. I just shut it down. I am not gonna do this. Well, off to my counselor!
You are very very strong and I know that does not give you the family you want, the child you would love to have, happiness, joy etc... But I am in awe of how strong you are.

I had 2 children with my claiming to want to recover alcoholic husband (not realizing he was an alcoholic and thinking that his horrid behavior was something I could fix if I were a better person). And they are both suffering. Even when things are peaceful at home, the damage has been done.

As hard as it must be to not have a child, you made a hard and courageous decision to not have a child bc your H is an alcoholic and that is something that you should feel very proud of...
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