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recovering ABF relationship drama

Old 03-03-2011, 05:14 PM
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recovering ABF relationship drama

Hi Everyone

Background:

My boyfriend is currently in recovery (2 weeks sober) and doing really well. He seems like his old self again. He is going to meetings every day, praying again, attending mass on sunday, reconnected with his sponsor and things seem bright.

In the past five months he lost 3 jobs after going on 3 to 5 day binges and not showing up to work. Each of these began after his XGF and mother to his daughter (5 years old) did something to purposely hurt him. Examples would be breaking into his email accounts, emailing everyone in his contact list that he is a bad father and abandoned his family, etc etc. She also threatened to kill me and hurt herself, keep him from seeing his daughter and every other ploy imaginable to guilt him and cause him stress. I know these things happen all of the time, but she knew his emotional weakness and recent relapses would probably push him into another relapse and keep him from recovery.

She just wrote him a letter that was threatening him again, saying that if he doesn't move back with her she will make sure their daughter knows, as she grows up, that her father abandoned her and her mother for another woman and that he will never have a good relationship his daughter. (The XGF had broken up with him and he was single when I met him just to clear up any questions as to what their relationship was when ours' started).

He knows what he needs to do to be sober, he was in recovery for almost two years before all of this drama started and he relapsed, and currently he is committed and optimistic.

My question:

I have read a lot of threads on this site that say that alcoholics don't drink because of stress, they drink because they are alcoholics. But why then do these instances always push him to drink?

Also, why would his XGF who knows of his addiction continue to do these things? I know sometimes people do things when they are hurt but the continual harassment and guilt has been non stop since November. Non-Stop. His last relapse landed him in the hospital because he was having suicidal thoughts.

I'd really appreciate any advice especially if you have been in a similar situation. So far I try to stay out of their drama and I tell him that as long as he is in recovery I will be here for him but I will not stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

At this point, I just pray a lot.
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:23 PM
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Old habits are hard to break. If he is used to using alcohol to mask stress, then it would normal for him to reach for the bottle during those times. It's very important that he have good support and a recovery program. You say he is going to meetings every day and has a sponsor, which is good. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do if he chooses to drink over the over the chaos his ex is causing. Hopefully, he will reach out to his AA sponsor if he feels like he wants to drink. The more he resists the urge to drink, the easier it will get. If he knows that she is attempting to sabotage his recovery, hopefully he won't let that happen.

Also, it might be good for him to see an attorney about his legal rights regarding his daughter.
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Shirt423 (03-03-2011)
Old 03-03-2011, 05:27 PM
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Alcoholics DO drink because they are alcoholics. Your boyfriend drank because, although he hadn't had a drink in two years, he was not fully recovered. I know alcoholics whose young childrend died tragic deaths and they didn't drink over it.

As for his ex, she sounds like a very sick person in her own right. She obviously thinks she can manipulate him. It would be wise for him to document any threats she makes. If she has threatened to kill you, you could sign a complaint for harassment. Depending on the laws of your state, your boyfriend can probably get a restraining order, and even you might be able to get one.

Are you going to Al-Anon for yourself?
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Shirt423 (03-03-2011)
Old 03-03-2011, 05:41 PM
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This is tough...

My wife has been sober for 8 months now. She tells me that she still can't control the things she can't control, and that the bad things and memories are still bad things and memories (she suffered horrible abuse as a child).

She also tells me that the difference is now that she has long term recovery in AA, when things happen or something triggers a memory she doesn't have to drink anymore. She knows it would make it worse, and she has tools now to cope with the not so nice parts of life.

How true is this? I don't really know. What I do know is that after 10 years of drinking she has 8 months of sobriety.

Best wishes,

Cyranoak

P.s. She prays a lot too.

Originally Posted by Shirt423 View Post
Hi Everyone

Background:

My boyfriend is currently in recovery (2 weeks sober) and doing really well. He seems like his old self again. He is going to meetings every day, praying again, attending mass on sunday, reconnected with his sponsor and things seem bright.

In the past five months he lost 3 jobs after going on 3 to 5 day binges and not showing up to work. Each of these began after his XGF and mother to his daughter (5 years old) did something to purposely hurt him. Examples would be breaking into his email accounts, emailing everyone in his contact list that he is a bad father and abandoned his family, etc etc. She also threatened to kill me and hurt herself, keep him from seeing his daughter and every other ploy imaginable to guilt him and cause him stress. I know these things happen all of the time, but she knew his emotional weakness and recent relapses would probably push him into another relapse and keep him from recovery.

She just wrote him a letter that was threatening him again, saying that if he doesn't move back with her she will make sure their daughter knows, as she grows up, that her father abandoned her and her mother for another woman and that he will never have a good relationship his daughter. (The XGF had broken up with him and he was single when I met him just to clear up any questions as to what their relationship was when ours' started).

He knows what he needs to do to be sober, he was in recovery for almost two years before all of this drama started and he relapsed, and currently he is committed and optimistic.

My question:

I have read a lot of threads on this site that say that alcoholics don't drink because of stress, they drink because they are alcoholics. But why then do these instances always push him to drink?

Also, why would his XGF who knows of his addiction continue to do these things? I know sometimes people do things when they are hurt but the continual harassment and guilt has been non stop since November. Non-Stop. His last relapse landed him in the hospital because he was having suicidal thoughts.

I'd really appreciate any advice especially if you have been in a similar situation. So far I try to stay out of their drama and I tell him that as long as he is in recovery I will be here for him but I will not stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

At this point, I just pray a lot.
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:42 PM
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I am going to attend my first al anon meeting this weekend, as well as a meeting with him on "the family afterward".

Because he is an alcoholic and has made so many mistakes when drinking, he doesn't think that right now is a good time to fight for custody. He recently got a DUI and he doesn't have a job. This was not the person I met. He was in a good job for 4 1/2 years and was happy and had his daughter every friday and sat night. I would love to get the law involved regarding her behavior (she has even become good friends with his sponsor's wife in an attempt to be involved in every aspect of his life, even his recovery).

He would also need more $$ to hire a lawyer, but I feel something has to be done. I guess it helps to know that no matter what she does, if he is truely committed to recovery it should not cause him to drink and shouldn't be used as an excuse if he does.

Thanks so much!
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:53 PM
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Well, I wasn't necessarily talking about going for custody. I was more referring to the area of setting up child support and visitation rights. She cannot legally keep his child away from him. It can also be put into the paperwork that one parent cannot badmouth the other parent to the child. He has a lot more rights than just custody.
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:58 PM
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Re getting a restraining order, he does not need an attorney to do that. He can go to the local family court and ask for one. A restraining order can also specify things like parenting time.

If you want to file a complaint of your own re the harassment, you can go to your local police department.

Glad to hear you are going to Al-Anon. I hope you are both on the road to recovery.
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