Lilly1

This is the part about detachment that always has me wondering. His vague threats of suicide usually only entailed "hoping" he'd drink himself to death or "hoping" to hit a tree with his car. I haven't figured that out in my brain yet. I promise you all and to myself that I am going to the AlAnon meeting that meets at a church near to me. My husband has agreed to come with me.

Unfortunately, my AS is starting dialysis today. He's in acute renal failure from a condition called rhabdomylosis. The rhabdo is likely a result from from laying unconscious for the last 3 days. He's so lucky and I don't even know if he realizes it.

His blood alcohol was negative on admission, but that doesn't give me much pleasure as I'm sure it was only because he was so gorked out on the benedryl, he obviously couldn't drink. I'm sure he drank Monday to have the courage to go thru with his plan. He's having no alcohol withdrawl so that's also a good thing.

We're not sure if his kidneys will recover at this point or not. It's just wait and see.

My path in MY recovery isn't clear right now. I've just been a mess since this morning when I had my first breakdown. Right now I seem like the least important person in this mix.

Lilly1

This kind of got me thinking keepinon.....he's completely ceased the hatred, he's taken me back in as his mother and his support. I talked to him this morning and he sounded so much more awake and there was no blame. I admit I'm waiting for it. I think my husband thinks I'm to blame for it. He was never on-board with me kicking him out the first time. Thank you for your support

I'm SO glad he's in the system too, I just hope the system doesn't fail him! Well I guess I should say I hope he doesn't fail himself

keepinon

You are sounding really good..grounded.Really glad your husband will go to alanon..often people won't go for themselves, but will to help their loved ones..whatever gets you in the door really doesn't matter.You are not the least important person in the mix..in alanon they teach us that WE are as important as the addict..so are our other kids, spouses, family members etc.. I love what Intoxicated said..my daughter says alanon is the best thing that ever happened to our family..she is in recovery now, 5 mo clean, but that was after living on floors, couchsurfing with addicts for 8 months..it was very hard, but I was able to have many times of peace knowing that I wasn't supporting her addiction in any way and getting healthy myself..being a sane role model. So sorry to hear about the kidney problem, but glad he is alive..even if you don't love your first meeting, try another, it can take a while to start to kick in , although my relief was almost instantaneous.......

Jazzman

I can't even imagine what it must be like for a parent who posts here. I wish you were getting more support form your husband on this, but I wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing.

barb dwyer

hi Lilly keeping the prayers and peace coming for ya!

Lilly1

Thank you all! I can honestly say for the first time in a very long time, AS sounds like his old self! I can't believe the difference 24hrs makes. He's making amends to us and his friends, so I encouraged him to continue. My HP is very busy tonight with my prayers. I think his new path will be determined soon and he'll see where he is and where he can go. I sincerely hope the judge gives him some IP psych time before he's released from his Chapter 51...if anything to continue the roll he's on.

More dialysis tomorrow morning. He's finally making a more normal colored urine so prayers that the kidneys will start working again. He still can't walk and that has everyone perplexed. They found some swelling around his hip so maybe he's just got the same internal swelling that he has on his face. I can't imagine what he went thru between Monday and Thursday.

Again, thank you all so much. I'm still grounded! I'm still able to maintain my composure and be strong. I'd hug you if I could

Pelican

Right back at ya!

Let's try this instead:

You wrap your arms around yourself, as I am wrapping mine aroung myself.
Next, we give ourselves a gentle squeeze
And feel ourselves loved!

Love and Hugs to you Lilly (((((((((( )))))))))))))

wicked

Lilly1

I understand the relief when an sick child finally gets some medical help.
so glad he is feeling better and i will pray they keep him longer too.

I love this hug, but I am doing what Pelican said too.

:ghug3

Beth

blwninthewind

I'm really sorry your going through this.
I'm going to come off sounding very insensitive at this point but think it needs to be said.
Why are you tormenting yourself with his situation? I know your a nurse...that makes it harder..the compassion part. We are taught that you don't judge as a nurse...what people do that bring us in their lives doesn't matter, giving compassionate care unconditionally is engrained in us. BUT this is a different situation. this is your A.
You have to detach. You have to pray for him, prepare your kids for what could happen but you don't have to run around and try to make this better.
He did this. Unfortunately as a nurse..it's harder to do what you need to do for you, rather than what your instinct is for him.
Your going to get sucked back in. You have to let this be. Pray for fortitude and strength.
I will be praying for you.

fourmaggie

al anon can help

Lilly1

You are NOT coming off as insensitive! I need to hear this, trust me. My emotions about this, I can't stop, not right now I'm not involving myself in any of his issues with work or discharge or anything. Unfortunately, that's the only detachment I'm successful at right now....and he's asking....did I call his work?...do I know where his car is?......I'm backing off that by telling him that his work friends and roommate know this information, but that's all I'm privy to. He hasn't pushed the issue but I know he's going to start up again with the "abandonment" issue between us when he feels better. I know as a nurse how close I came to really losing him forever and the mom part of me now has to reach the part of detachment knowing how serious he was with ending his life. I hope that makes sense!

Fortunately for the both of us, his discharge and future is out of my hands. I don't see him being released any time soon. He's still on that Chapter until a judge sees him....if the judge releases him, so be it, he still has his apartment, but then he still has upcoming jail time for the 2nd DUI. It will be a long time before he's going to be left to his own devices again and my only hope is that by then, he will have identified this as his bottom and he will work to get better. If not.....I don't know.

Lilly1

Consider us hugged!!!

(although I didn't realize how stiff my RA has gotten my shoulders and elbows, LOL! But it felt good!)

keepinon

I see you as holding your ground pretty darn wellIt seems there is no talk of him moving back in and there are lots of consequences..his job, the DUI, that he is going to have to deal with..just think of the alanon mtgs as gas in your tank that you are gonna need for this upcoming long ride..right now everything is ok.he's safe.If abandonment talk comes up, you can deal with it then..you know you didn't abandon him..in my daughters rehab they taught us to "hold up a mirror" and "keep putting it back on them"..a key phrase could be something like.."the rules of the house weren't being followed" and you can repeat it 30,000 times..every time he comes at you with a "u threw me out!" or whatever..the key is NOT to engage. I used "you chose to leave by not following the rules" and stuck with that..BUT, don't get too far ahead of yourself.. one day at a time and all that!

seekingcalm

Lilly,
You and your family are in my thoughts. I just want to say that I hope you do realize just how important you are, and that taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do.

I am glad that you are going to Al-Anon; you need the support to stay strong. You did the right thing by having your son leave your home...see, your higher power is showing that to you right now. Your son went far enough to be getting the help he needs, and I pray he will embrace recovery.

Take good care of you.

tjp613

Hi Lilly -- Just checking in to see how you and your son are doing today. Thanks for the good report. I think you are doing VERY well, considering... Prayers are coming. Take care. XOXO

Lilly1

I know I'm only doing good right NOW, because so much is out of my control! I am far from reaching solid ground....but admitting to the problem is the first step, right? I KNOW in my mind that I have to stand my ground on this. My heart is screaming otherwise, but that's ok. I realized today that no matter what he did to get here today, he did, in the end, realize he didn't want to die. In the end, he sought help and accepted medical treatment.

His nurse today was old-school and put up with no sh*t, so God love her, she made my AS do for himself today, including dragging that bad leg off the bed himself. He had dialysis again this morning and she thinks he'll need it a few more times yet. He's still not making enough urine and his kidney labs still show failure. She said that she thought his kidneys would recover from this, but it'll take time. She said they'll probably do his Chapter hearing over the phone on Monday because he likely won't be medically stable yet for discharge. She thought, based on her experience, that he'll probably be ordered to outpatient treatment. He's been a model patient, which I expected, LOL, I raise polite kids regardless of their choices

I'm not sure how he'll do at home....there are 3 flights of steps to get into his bedroom so we'll see how that goes. I told him to let the staff know of that and he kind of gave me a blank look, I'm sure questioning why he's not coming here. I'm not offering but I can't tell you guys without a doubt I won't cave. Sorry

The next Al Anon meeting is Thursday so my hubby and I are going. I don't know if it will be prior to his discharge or not. EEK

keepinon

Can't say I for sure wouldn't cave either, but some things to think about are..how will this effect the other kids?We (parents) generally suck as treatment centers and are too involved to be good recovery partners/monitors..is inpatient not an option?....can you suggest inpatient with the staff? out patient is successful with highly motivated individuals..my RAD did inpatient for a month..then outpatient for 3...just some options.. hang in there..you are doing great.

Lilly1

Excellent suggestions Keepinon, thank you!!! Ah, the other kids, I hear you loud and clear. That's such a hard thing. Did anybody see Sophie's Choice? That's about what I feel like.

Going off what the nurse said yesterday, she thought he'd just be ordered to outpatient. He's had no withdrawl, he's been a model patient...all these things are going to count to the judge. He's got to have more emergent dialysis today...renal labs are high again so my visits has been pushed off til later. I will go early and discuss this with his nurse and see if I can get suggestions from her on how to request this or at least let my voice be heard somehow. I agree 100%, I think inpatient treatment is his best option. He's only removed from the alcohol by force right now....I'm not in agreement that he's by any stretch "over it". When (if??), his health returns and he gets the chance for ANOTHER do-over....this whole experience will become a meer memory and he could easily pick back up on the drinking and think he can control it.