stella27

there's a good discussion going on in the "codependents dating" therad. Now that I am not married to or living with an A, I am noticing the codie traits in friends and acquaintances. (and in myself as well, and I try to combat them by changing my thoughts to healthy ones)

The dominant trait that I see is friends who try to take care of me when I didn't ask for it. And when I don't appreciate it adequately or do something the way they want me to, the resentment seems to build.

I notice that these (actual, not stereotypes in a book) people try hard to live up to others' expectations of them and will rarely say no. But then have to spend days in bed recovering from being exhausted...or can't be happy on her own without someone to take care of... Another is my housekeeper/nanny, who has taken to making snide remarks to my children about things like what color paint I chose for my walls, and is complaining to my mother (visiting from out of town) about me.

On the other hand, if you are having trouble getting along with more than one person, isn't the conventional wisdom that what all these relationships have in common is YOU? (in this case, ME.)

What are some of the codie traits you see in yourself or real, live people? I know the manifestations can be broad, and what I am noticing lately is the harboring of resentments over me not acting the way other people want me to.

stella27

and what I looked like as a raging codie was someone who couldn't make a move without thinking through the next 5 interactions. "If I this, then he will that, and then I will have to this, at which time he will that" and I was always crazy and always anxious and always scared.

I am certainly not doing everything right these days, and my standards have certainly slipped in some respects, but there isn't nearly as much tension in my house.

I've never been one to want to be needed. Although I did want to be acknowledged and appreciated, but I didn't breathe it...I was more of a worried about how what he said would reflect on me kind of codie...I probably annoyed the heck out of him. To which he would react by raging at me.

(just in case y'all were wondering about my own brand of codependence.)

Shellcrusher

For me, I understand it now and know that I am one. What I don't like about it is the defining and referencing of myself to the concept of codependency. It's just so obtuse of a label.
What I'm trying to do more than identify with codie behaviors, is view my emotions from almost a third person point. I try to watch myself like a movie as Eckhart Tolle might suggest. It takes alot of pressure off me while I try and navigate social waters where people may not be receptive to me because I'm not trying to accommodate them.

tallulah

It's the concentration of normal human traits into something which is inherently unhealthy for both parties. It's empathy, sympathy, caring gone haywire.

It's seeing someone in a hole in the ground and instead of saying, 'if/when you're ready to get out of that hole, call me and I'll extend a hand if I can', it's keeping vigil by that hole trying to coax them out , to rescue them, or worse getting in the hole with them.

Tx

Tx

Thumper

This quote really says a lot about how I operate.

Codependency is based on a toxic mix of conditional love and unconditional commitment.

Also -

I completely ignore my own feelings, instincts, and needs to the point I don't even know what they are and I hyper focus on someone else's. I think I have the answers, I have the power, obligation, and responsibility to fix them. I confuse care taking with love. Many of my interactions are based on the incredible unease I have if someone else is feeling badly. I am almost desperate to 'fix' that. It is a physical sensation.

I manipulate. Ugly but true. I manipulated as much as my xah. As someone else mentioned I want to plan forward - several steps into the future. Instead of doing the 'next right thing' I try and do something that will elicit a certain response, and then I can do the next thing etc. and I have this big complicated map of how I will get x. I don't lie exactly but it must feel that way because it isn't really honest either. That is not a way I want to be so I spend a lot of time thinking about doing the next right thing.

Underneath, I do not trust. I do not trust myself or other people. I do not do intimacy very well or share my inner thoughts with other people.

I want to change all these things. I want something different for myself moving forward and a different way for my kids to learn to interact with people.