JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Hello,

I have been staying strong and I am actually thinking of going to the courthouse and getting divorce paperwork (can't believe that I just typed that) but I am changing more than I ever thought I would. The A stills seems like he is not accepting the split. I sometimes get worried about that. Can you believe that I start to feel bad for how he will handle the papers if/when I get the nerve to do it? What is wrong with me??

Anyways, last night and tonight he asks me if I want to go to an AA meeting with him. I just said no thanks. Is it wrong of me to feel, I don't care if you go to AA, I am still done. Do not get me wrong, I want him to get help but I will not stay because you are going to AA.

What do you make of him asking me to go to a meeting with him?

LexieCat

Sounds like he's trying to make a pitch for "togetherness".

Does it matter to you what he means by it? Does it change anything? If not, what difference does it make why he said it?

threewishes

I have to agree with Lexie. Mine did the same thing. As soon as I told him I was done, couldn't be with him anymore, he started going back to AA (just one meeting a week, no sponsor) - "to get his head straight". He asked me if I wanted to go with him once, and I did, and just sat there wanting to call BS on everything he said while there. To me, it was just talk and I saw through it (he knows all the right things to say). He wants me to think he's serious THIS time. I hope for his sake he is, but only time will tell. I can't stay just because he goes to a few meetings either.

I also worried about how he'd react when he was served with the papers - more worried about him than me! Ack. He'll be fine.

Go with your gut....if you're ready then move forward. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you'll find a lot of support here if you want it.

RollTide

"What do you make of him asking me to go to a meeting with him?"

When I tried to figure mine out that's when I went crazy.

I know what you mean about done. I pray that mine finds sobriety and wish the best for him, but I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering what he's going to do next. I've been divorced over a year and my only regret is not having done it sooner. Wishing you strength.

StarCat

Ultimately, does it matter?

In my situation, I'd confess I'd be glad if XABF was going (even if he doesn't mean it, maybe someday later down the road the things he heard there will get a hold on him - I'll confess I still hope for his sake he gets better, but I do not want to know whether or not that happens), but I'd still be out the door like I am.

In rehab, he started saying he wanted to go to church on Sundays, he'd even go to Catholic Church if I felt more comfortable with that since I was raised Catholic (flag #1, he's always talking about how evil Catholics are), and he looked up all the non-smoking AA meetings in the area and here's a list I need to type up containing meetings where I can go with him (I already don't have enough space because he's smothering me, last thing I want to do is sit through an AA meeting with him, especially since he feels that then I don't have to go to AlAnon), and would I marry him?

I'll confess, all this talk of trying to reel me in deeper pushed me away, and ultimately was the reason I eventually cut contact. If he hadn't tried all that, if he had listened when I said I needed some space, I would probably still be with him...
So in some way, I suppose I'm grateful? Because I am grateful that it's over.

theuncertainty

I have to admit to laughing about the topic - not the posts, specifically, just: XAH lied to me about starting AA the first time I left him in order to get me to come back. He never once went to a meeting after I went back; had, in fact, never been to one.

In the hearing for our divorce, the judge asked XAH to have his GF come in and he and my lawyer both asked her questions about XAH's "recovery". She said he's been going to AA. They asked how she knew if he was actually going. "Well, because I've taken him to a couple meetings." :rotfxko

Verbena

I have to agree with Lexicat. A's will say anything to avoid loosing their care takers. Loosing us means that they will have to assume being responsible for themselves. And, they'll have to take back those egg shells we've been walking on.

You said that you've been thinking about going to the courthouse and getting the divorce paper. Me too. I've been thinking about it for quite a while.

But, after reading this post, here's what's at the top of my To-Do list for next week. Find D. forms and download them.

Tuffgirl

Boy howdy, can I relate to this! Alcoholics are nonsensical. Letting go of the need to rationalize everything restored my sanity and levelheadedness. I had no idea how much energy I spent doing that until I stopped doing it over every little thing.

zrx1200R

having sat through a couple of meetings with mine, I can't recommend it.

I know others have another opinion. And that is certainly their right.

Here's what happened at the last one I went to:

Went to a New Years Eve meeting at "another" meeting place. Not her usual. Her sponsor was there, so she new someone. During the meeting, she got up and went to the Loo. The chairperson called on me to share. this was a very small meeting, they all knew I was there with her. I don't even recall the topic. I spoke briefly. then she returned, and shortly afterward the chairperson called on my wife. She proceeded to tell the group her "New Years Resolution is to not drink for all of 2011". I about pee'd myself.

2 long time sober members politely took her to task. The said based on their experience this was not going to work. That she needed to do more than make a simple statement. This went on for a few minutes, and the missus got up, stormed out and dissapeared. I stayed. And finished the meeting.

About 2 hours later, as I was just about to go home after calling her a few times, we finally talk on the phone. She's at a gas station waiting for a cab. We drive home in silence. Worst New Years ever.

After home for a while, she blurts out a question/statement, "you don't even know why I'm so mad, do you!?" I respond that it appears she didn't like what the old timers were saying about her resolution (which she most certainly broke at the gas station waiting). Nope. She was mad at me for talking during the meeting. ISYN.

So, my experience is nothing good can come from me going to a meeting. I won't go again. AA is for the alcoholic. I'm convinced.

Just filing the paperwork is liberating. try it.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Again tonight with the telling me all about going to meetings. Is it me or is this just MANIPULATION once again! Let me tell her I am going to meetings and getting better so she will change her mind.

Why can't they just accept when they have gone too far and it was the last straw. Do they ever give up??

blwninthewind

I have been to some AA meetiings as well. and I go to alnon as well.
I never speak at the AA meetings, I only go to speaker meetings...so there is nothing for me to say..but part of me thinks that the only reason he asks me to go to these is so I can hear stories that make me think "oh wow, at least my RAH isn't/wasn't THAT bad" or "jeez, I'm glad my RAH didn't put me through THAT situation"...
makes him look good at times, depending on the speaker.
I started alnon on Valentines day.
it is very much a lifeline for me.
no I don't understand how someone (and I do know many of you are currently in this situation so please forgive me.) can stay w/ someone who is actively drinking...yet I did this for almost 20 yrs...and I still can't understand it. I see people there who still have a life of their own even with having an A spouse. That completely freaks me out.
Yet gives me hope.
but do I want that? I know what life can be like when RAH is not drinking and I'll NEVER go back to that again. NO WAY.
Heck right now I'm not all that thrilled w/ him even with him not drinking....
I don't know...I know what I WANT to say and do ... I just don't know exactly how to do it.
((((((((sigh)))))))))