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I'm really angry!

Old 03-02-2011, 02:48 PM
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I'm really angry!

I've been holding this in since February 13th when my RABF told me that he is a recovering alcoholic. We have been dating for MONTHS and he just got around to telling me? Yeah, I am glad he had the courage to tell me this but he knew when we first got involved that 1. He is an alcoholic and 2. He is not supposed to get into a relationship...

So why wait MONTHS to tell me? I have been trying to see this from his point of view and I do still love him but really I am PISSED OFF. I met a man who is wonderful most of the time (present "space needed" time not included) and he has a lot of the wonderful characteristics as my dad. I finally met a man my dad would like...but he is too much like my dad in that he is an alcoholic just like my dad.

I'm going to Al-Anon and I am working through the steps and reading "Co-Dependent No More" while reading a daily reading from "Courage to Change" and a few other books that I have. I am doing the best I can to find my own sanity and maybe someday serenity, but I am PISSED.

My sponsor told me earlier today, when I told her I was feeling angry and couldn't identify why, to write a list of why I am angry. My list contained 9 things. Only one thing directly had to do with my RABF and one indirectly (I am mad about him being like my dad but mostly I am still mad at my dad). Only 9 things and yet I feel so much rage.

I know it is getting old to read my crazy posts but this helps me to get these feelings out.
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:54 PM
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not getting old to read your posts at all. I wish that the relationship were working out the way you'd like. Even Recovering A's are a challenge, I guess. (of course, from where I sit, all relationships are a challenge!)
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
not getting old to read your posts at all. I wish that the relationship were working out the way you'd like. Even Recovering A's are a challenge, I guess. (of course, from where I sit, all relationships are a challenge!)
The problems seemed minor BEFORE he told me. I am wondering if my taking action of my own mental health needs and going to Al-Anon has changed my perception maybe and that's why it doesn't seem to be working out as well? Or maybe he really just hit a low that he had not hit before?
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:03 PM
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Smile

I'm really new here so if this doesn't apply to you throw it away.I also am a product of an alcoholic father. Could it be,just maybe your also angry at yourself for picking another alcoholic. For me I never wanted to have a life like I had when I was a child and yet..........here I am. Hope I didn't offend you.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:10 PM
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I'm not at all offended. I have a history of dating Catholic men who are either alcoholics, addicts or both. I thought this man was different...after all he didn't drink. Of course not, he's in recovery!

Al-Anon will maybe help me to figure out why I am such an idiot at least.

I do love this man and I think we have a shot. We have a "trifecta connection." Intellectual, Emotional and Physical. We knew each other a few months (through classes) before we actually went out on a date. We have a lot in common (life experiences, adult children and teenage children, growing up with alcoholic parents, similar goals and plans and all kinds of other things.)
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:11 PM
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I'll only throw in here
that THAT was the hardest one for me to get over -

being angry with myself.

Started me off on this whole journey thing
to discover what the concept of 'self -forgiveness'
was all about.

I do not regret the journey.

I say continue to post here
vent here
let it out here
there's hundreds of lurkers
and you never know
what one tiny thing you say
will help one of them.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
I'll only throw in here
that THAT was the hardest one for me to get over -

being angry with myself.

Started me off on this whole journey thing
to discover what the concept of 'self -forgiveness'
was all about.

I do not regret the journey.

I say continue to post here
vent here
let it out here
there's hundreds of lurkers
and you never know
what one tiny thing you say
will help one of them.
I worry about being recognized by my situation though. But I really need a place to vent.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:20 PM
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I'm not sure there is a prescribed time to tell someone you are a recovering addict. Obviously sooner is better than later if your decision to remain in a relationship hinges on them not having had a problem with alcohol.. investing time in someone can do all sorts of things to our decision making.. does it factor for you? Had you known before embarking on a relationship with him, would you have never started something? Or would you have continued?

You know now. So, the question is.. what do you want to do?

Tx
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by tallulah View Post
I'm not sure there is a prescribed time to tell someone you are a recovering addict. Obviously sooner is better than later if your decision to remain in a relationship hinges on them not having had a problem with alcohol.. investing time in someone can do all sorts of things to our decision making.. does it factor for you? Had you known before embarking on a relationship with him, would you have never started something? Or would you have continued?

You know now. So, the question is.. what do you want to do?

Tx
I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I worked hard to get myself to a better place after my last relationship with an addict and thought that I was in a healthier place now and I probably would not have picked an alcoholic if that had been an up front fact.

Now that I know, I am doing the best I can to continue with the relationship and excuse me for having any feelings associated with it. I am supposed to understand that he needs space and he needs this and he needs that but when I was feeling lonely last night he couldn't be bothered with answering his phone or his text messages so clearly my needs don't mean anything.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:34 PM
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It sounds like you need to talk this out with him then.. if there is some resentment about reciprocity, his timing regarding telling you etc.

To a third party, it seems like most of your anger is about you and 'picking another addict'. I don't know the guy, so no idea if he's a recovery success story.. if he is, doesn't that mean your radar is working (?). If you know in your heart it (your picking tool) has failed you and this relationship is going to make you unhappy.. then there really is only one option.

Tx
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by tallulah View Post
It sounds like you need to talk this out with him then.. if there is some resentment about reciprocity, his timing regarding telling you etc.

To a third party, it seems like most of your anger is about you and 'picking another addict'. I don't know the guy, so no idea if he's a recovery success story.. if he is, doesn't that mean your radar is working (?). If you know in your heart it (your picking tool) has failed you and this relationship is going to make you unhappy.. then there really is only one option.

Tx
To the powers that be on this board, please delete me and anything I have said. I didn't come here to hear how wrong I am. I KNOW I am wrong. Who else would be other than me.

I will figure this out on my own. The same way I figure everything out on my own.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:02 PM
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Wow. Defensive, much?

Take what you want.. leave the rest.

Tx
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by tallulah View Post
Wow. Defensive, much?

Take what you want.. leave the rest.

Tx
Judgmental much?
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post
Judgmental much?
You have posted in a public forum asking for opinion and that is what I have given. It has been given without malice or agenda and as always, you take what you want here and leave the rest.

I do not intend to get into a flame war with you and I would be grateful if you would direct your anger elsewhere. It is really pointless directing it at me as it is having no effect (I gave up being a whipping post over 2 years ago). I will refrain from posting in any of your threads or commenting on any of your posts in the future and respectfully suggest you do the same with mine.

Thanks.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:31 PM
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I'm with Tallulah. One of SR's strengths is honest feedback from its participants, with a total absence of agenda other than being helpful. If recovering as an alkie/addict/codie was easy, there would be no reason for this forum or AA/NA/Alanon. This is tough and we are here to help.
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:00 PM
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I apologize. I was inappropriate earlier. Tallulah was correct. It is me I am mad at and it is my fault.

Please accept my apologies.

I will work on eliminating myself from the situation.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:14 PM
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Holding onto anger is toxic. Good that you are trying to get to the root at what made you angry. I suspect his revelation triggered memories of your dad's alcoholism which were painful. But he is not your father.

A friend of mine has epilepsy. Pretty severe in fact. She fell for this great guy but was so scared to tell him of her illness. It was more of for her own personal reasons and issues that she witheld the information. She was petrified of rejection, of being seen as 'less than'.

So maybe this will help you understand from his perspective. Could it also be that he withheld because he knew it was get a very strong reaction from you (since he probably has a good idea of how you are at this point).

Anyway, hope you find some peace in this situation. Sometimes it is hard to know why we feel the things we do. Often they are just feelings to process and experience. Time will make it easier.
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:20 PM
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Sorry I'm with the group.

But I do understand your anger.
I too am a child of an alcoholic and I unknowingly got involved w/ an Alcoholic. Strange thing is he wasn't an active A when we first met but got progressively worse over the years. ... Do I think I WANTED this? H#%% no! and I'm sure you didn't either.
I'm ticked because we, kids of A, tend to choose these men/women. We may not even realize we are doing it. I didn't.
In fact I'm furious...furious that it's like we don't have a chance of having a normal healthy relationship. I thought mine was! I thought my Husband was a nice normal person...uh no.
I married a replicate of my dad!
In fact he's pulling the same crap on me that my dad did to my mom ..."I don't think I love you anymore", "I need my freedom" blah blah blah!
Give me a break.
Us kids of A go to what we know...whether we want to or not.
Sad that even when we make an effort NOT to we still end up there.
It sucks!

So....I believe you are angry at him for not being who you believed him to be. Angry at yourself for choosing him (even though as a child of an A you really couldn't help it).
I say it's up to you to decide how much you want to accept.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:59 PM
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This happened to me minus the recovering part. I mean mine was clean and sober for 10 years before he met me. He'd also fallen off the wagon and neglected to tell me any of his history until 6 months into the relationship. I completely understand your anger. I was pissed as hell....AT HIM! After the confession, I spent a couple of months wondering how I didn't know, questioning my own judgment and taking responsibility for stuff I didn't own before I got the hell out.

I don't mean to make light of the situation, but we aren't talking about him having a 3rd nipple or something. Being a recovering addict is something that should have been disclosed as soon as it became apparent to your RAB that he wanted to pursue a relationship. Not doing so is lying by omission - not a great way to start a relationship.

JMO
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Old 03-03-2011, 01:10 AM
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My anger really helped me. I channeled it - it got me through preparing the house for sale, selling it, buying my own place, getting divorced etc. My anger motivated me and often shielded me from backpedalling. I kinda miss its motivating power now!

For me, anger was very useful. I wasn't 'supposed' to get angry nor was I 'supposed' to show it. Learning how to get it out, how to use it wasn't easy but it really helped. Counselling also helped me control it.

I hope that you too can work out how to use your anger productively instead of having it all bottled up. From your post, it sounds like your anger has resurfaced at your RABF's admission and that you had a lot of anger already stored up. Have you been to counselling? It helped me realise that I'm 'allowed' to be angry. And what to do with it!
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