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Time for me to leave

Old 03-01-2011, 05:36 PM
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Unhappy Time for me to leave

This is my first post - I didn't discover this site until a week or so ago, and have been lurking since. I am in the process of divorcing my RAH (compulsive gambler too, not sure how that goes-RCGAH??) and am moving back to my home state in about a month. We've only been married two years - in that time I unconvered his HUGE gambling problem and the fact that he's relapsed with the drinking many times (some I knew about). Oh yeah, he's on job #3 now too. There's no more trust, too much water under the bridge, I am constantly riddled with anxiety and waiting for the next shoe to drop. He is trying to manipulate me big time to stay. I just can't do it anymore. There's much much more to the story but that gives you an idea. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I was going through my books, trying to decide what to take and even after I set aside half to go to Goodwill, there's still too much to mail. It makes me sad and angry that I sold my house, quit my job and left my friends and family to follow this man across the country who lied to me from the very beginning. Everything is very overwhelming right now. I saw on a recent post something about making lists - that would help I think. And I have to remember too that stuff is just stuff...I can always get more. So I stopped packing to come here and post. At times I'm tempted to stay - because RIGHT NOW it would be easier. But I don't trust that he will change...it's all just talk anymore and I really don't believe most of it. It's time to trust my gut again - had I before, I would not be in this mess. Ugh.....
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:59 PM
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Hang in there--I was in a similar situation, moved across the country with the man I had just married (after he almost died of liver failure--I married him during a period of apparent sobriety), and found that he almost immediately went back to drinking, lost his job (I was working and looking for another).

We lived together only for about six months, when I decided to call it quits. I moved all the way BACK across the country and got my old job back.

Yeah, I was somewhat resentful I had to go to all that trouble because he couldn't hold up his end of things. But it was clear he wasn't ready to quit drinking, and I saw no point in throwing good money (not to mention emotion and energy) after bad.

You're doing the right thing, I'm sure. And I'm sure you didn't come to the decision lightly.

I understand the pain of getting rid of books. I now have a Kindle.
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:50 PM
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Welcome to SR, Threewishes.

Originally Posted by threewishes View Post
At times I'm tempted to stay - because RIGHT NOW it would be easier. But I don't trust that he will change...
I completely understand that feeling. It actually kept me with XAH far longer than I should have stayed. It's a really tough decision to make - leaving or staying. Following through on it was definitely overwhelming when I sat and tried to see everything I had to do. Making lists helped make it feel like "I can do this."

All you have to do is take the next step. Then the next one. Hang in there and remember to take care of yourself through all the packing and moving.
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:53 PM
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There's never a 'good time' to leave, so might as well go with the momentum you have going now. It's hard! I've been thru it twice. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other until it was done. I don't know how else to put it. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:57 PM
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You know where I'm at today? One breath at a time.
Just this one breath. That's all I can handle.
We can do this.
Hugs,
peace
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Old 03-01-2011, 10:03 PM
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I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling.

Part of your post made me think of that old 'Stuff' skit of George Carlin. I think it's still up on youtube, if you're up for an inspirational, irreverent laugh.

keep checking in ~ it's all a long process, no matter where we are on the journey.

- Sylvie
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:21 PM
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Keep reading this site...
It will give you the strength you need to move on.
or do you want to spend the next 20+ yrs in the same struggle with this guy?
If you don't...finish packing and get outta dodge while you still can.
Your a lucky one. you know your boundaries, you've made your decision and your acting on it and the best part: you don't have kids that were damaged by growing up in this jacked up situation.
Just undoing that damage...well it's going to be a long haul for my boys. Makes me sad that I didn't get out when I first saw there was a problem.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:18 AM
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Do you NEED to pack everything at once? Can you start putting aside/packing things now, and not make it LOOK like you're packing? (in other words, get a couple of plastic containers and start putting "getaway stuff" in them and just make it look like you're storing them.

Sort clothes into two piles/places, one you would take with you and could take quickly, and the other clothes you can live without. Keep the first pile separate. I kept all my "must-have" clothes on one side of the closet and the others on the other side. You can even get a suitcase and put some stuff in there. Make a list of the essentials (1 robe, three pairs pants, etc.)

Go around the house and pick out the things that you really would feel bad about losing, and either segregate them now, or put them on a list.

Also make a list of the important things, like birth certificate, passport, etc. that you need to take. Again, it's easy to pre-pack those things in an envelope or something and set them aside.

Also, look around for any momentos, photo albums that you really want to keep and pack those now, if you can do it without making it obvious they're gone.

One you start thinking that way, it makes it easier to carry through, and half the job is done. And I would say, just think about what you can manage. Don't pack from the perspective of taking whatever you don't get rid of... pack from the perspective of, what's the minimum I need and want and start there.

The other stuff, either you have time to pack it before you move, he sends it to you, or he gets rid of it. Either way, you have the essentials, and knowing you have packed what you need in order to leave really breaks the inertia.
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:32 AM
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Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom! I'm so glad I found this site - I'm alone here with no friends/family (except his and they're not really speaking to me now). My friends/family are three time zones behind so contacting them when I can speak freely is difficult. Besides, I hate to keep dumping on them! They know I'm scared and sad and overwhelmed...they just want me back home . Lexie - our stories are VERY similar! I'm going back to my old job too...I'm so grateful for that. Actually, I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to remember those things and start doing my gratitude list again each night.

No, I don't want to stay. I looked back at some of the things I'd journaled over the past couple years to find I have been feeling the EXACT same way I am now - no change. Why keep putting myself through the misery? What makes me sad are the dreams I had, the life I thought we'd have together, the life that never really was or could be what I thought. His betrayal and deceit cut me to the core - then I get angry. This has been a hard lesson learned.

Meanwhile, after posting last night I abandoned the books and attacked a few things in the garage. It's amazing the stuff we accumulate and keep! I got rid of a bunch, and tackled the laundry room this morning. I feel like I accomplished a lot. Maybe I'll hit the basement this morning and go through some Christmas boxes too. One thing, one step, one breath at a time. So yeah, I have time and I can take things one room, one closet at a time. The books...some I will take, most I will get rid of - there is always the library and I was thinking of getting a Kindle too when I get home.

I think my brother is willing to fly down and make the cross-country drive with me - I know I could do it alone but having some company would be great, plus he's a lot of fun. I was envisioning crying myself down the interstate the whole way, which is kinda scary! He's not much into mushy stuff or talking about feelings and would make it a much more light-hearted trip. We'll be on the road to happy destiny and peace of mind. I can't wait.

After the garage I took a hot bubble bath, made some popcorn and watched the Charlie Sheen interview (that in itself made me feel better about my life!). Husband had a business dinner and got home late - nice to have the house to myself. He'll be home late again tonight, if he actually goes to his counseling appointment (I hope he does, but that's his gig and not my problem to worry about).
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:43 AM
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hi threewishes...I just wanted to pop in to say hi, and WELCOME to SR. I hope you keep coming back here for support (and some off colour humour!). It's a great place to hang out, to heal and to learn.

It seems to me like you're already on your way; your journey has already begun. You're just tackling some fatigue and what seems like discouragement. It's totally normal, IMO. I always recommend making lists, because they seem to free the mind from cluttered thinking and help focus it on one thing at a time. So list away! List all the things you want to get done, and one by one, tick them off your list. List all the things you won't have to deal with when you're gone (i.e. empties, lying, stressing about money, fighting, manipulation,...dirty socks left on the bathroom floor!). And then, list all the things you look forward to doing once you've left (anything from...takign a pottery class, to reading silly romance novels, to going out for dinner by yourself, to seeing plays/movies/shows you never let yourself go to, to...sky diving!).

From where I sit, you're doing GREAT!

Keep posting. SR is always here.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:06 AM
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If your brother would be good company, go for it.

I had a couple of pretty cool experiences on the way back, which helped me be sure I was doing the right thing.

First, the place we had moved to was where I'd grown up. I loved it as a place to grow up, but it had changed so much (and maybe I had) that it didn't feel like "home" anymore. I wanted to see my best friend from high school before I left, but she was on her way to a wedding in Kansas City (I was coming from Colorado), so I was sad I didn't get to see her before I left. I got a good start on my trip, and stopped near the Kansas border to use the bathroom at a rest stop. Who should I run into, in the bathroom, but my friend? We talked for a bit, hugged, took pictures--neither one of us could believe it!

I also noticed signs, as I was driving near St. Louis, for the Our Lady of the Snows shrine, which has a fabulous Christmas light display you can drive through (I was traveling right after Christmas). I decided to take a detour and drive through the light display, which was breathtaking, and I stopped briefly to say a prayer for the ex I was leaving behind. I stopped in the gift shop to use the bathroom and buy a couple of gifts for friends.

I got back in my car, and about a hundred miles down the road stopped to get gas. I discovered my wallet was missing! My heart in my throat, I looked up the number to the Shrine's gift shop. Someone had found my wallet IN THE BATHROOM and had turned it in. I turned around and drove the hundred miles back to get it. If you have to leave your wallet in a bathroom, I guess a shrine is the place to do it.

Anyway, I was so grateful for both events that it made the entire drive feel blessed, if you know what I mean. I only cried a couple of times, not the whole way, lol.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:19 AM
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What a great story Lexie! Nodaybut2day - yes, a list of things I won't miss (obsessively checking his bank/credit accounts, knowing when I look at my account balance there will be no surprises, not looking for betting slips in his car, not worrying if today will be the day he gets fired, wondering if he's really working late or at a bar, on and on). I love lists and notebooks - that will be a great help.

OMG! I just watched George Carlin's skit on Stuff - Sylvie I was LMAO!! SO true! My parents are hardcore...they keep telling me "just get rid of everything, you can buy what you need when you get here". I keep saying "but it's my stuff!! There's stuff I can't get rid of!!" Ahhh, too funny! A few weeks ago I was thinking about how long it'd been since I truly laughed and genuinely smiled. I think you all might understand? So bring on the irreverence and off-colour humor, it's good food for the soul!
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:02 AM
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It is really amazing (and sad) how we get so attached to STUFF!! George Carlin hit it dead on, didn't he? I am trying reeeeeeally hard to not accumulate STUFF. Before I buy anything I (try to) ask myself: "Do I want this? Or do I need this?" There's a huge difference between Want and Need. Now, to try to teach this lesson to my children! Ugh!

I watched a show about personal organizing one time and she said something I'll always remember: "Your memories are not in this stuff, your memories are in your mind." If you're trying to pare down on the 'stuff' you can always take a picture of the 'thing' to help jar a memory, and write a little story on the back of the picture if you like. I thought that was cool.
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:12 AM
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"on the road to happy destiny and peace of mind."

I love it.

and welcome.
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:16 AM
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Welcome threewishes

Glad you found SR. Your posts are inspirational, it's so hard, but just like you said, "on the road to peace of mind and happy destiny"...all of us here are, and SR makes the journey easier, for me anyway.

My life is so much better in so many ways since I left my exabf. He is now recovering, just over 1 year of sobriety, and we have begun to see one another after lots of time no contact. I have learned to find my happiness and peace of mind within; what a gift that is.
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:19 AM
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Welcome from me, threewishes! You sound like you are in a good frame of mind, and yes it is inspiring this morning. Keep us posted on your journey...
~T
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:47 AM
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TuffGirl - home for me is where you are - I miss seeing those mountains every day .

I just read the same thing about taking photos of the things we have a hard time getting rid of. I have a couple of clay animal figurines (think a turtle with big white bug eyes) that my daughter made when she was in the 4th grade or so (okay, 15 years ago?). They're cute. I love them. But she doesn't care/won't know if I got rid of them. So I'll snap a few pics and gently put them in the trash. *sniff*

So glad I posted yesterday - this (posting online) is kind of new to me and I'm a bit leery of putting my feelings "out there"....BUT the support I've gotten from you all is amazing, and makes me feel like I have a virtual circle of new friends to hold me up and keep me going. That is a wonderful feeling, to know I am not alone. WE are not alone.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:47 AM
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Thumbs up Welcome, fellow Alaskan

Originally Posted by threewishes View Post
TuffGirl - home for me is where you are - I miss seeing those mountains every day
Well, that's awesome, almost-welcome home! There are several of us here from Alaska. And I don't believe any of us know Sarah Palin.

It's a sunny morning again in Anchor-town...about 10 where I am, but bound to be another gloriously sunny day!

Are you driving all the way or taking the ferry part way?
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Old 03-02-2011, 11:10 AM
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LOL! No, I don't know Sarah Palin either, but I did sit next to her on the plane from Juneau to Anchorage once. Meh, she didn't talk to me! I'll be driving from Chicago to Tacoma, then putting my car on the barge and flying up from Seattle. This is part of why it's so overwhelming - the logistics of moving all (or what I have left) of my STUFF, timing the drive to make the barge, then timing the flight home. It's not easy (definitely not cheap!) but it's do-able if I just break it into bite sized pieces and plan, plan, plan. I don't want to drive all the way this time of year and the ferry is almost as much as the barge. Yowzaaa. Everything will work out....it always does. My mantra for the day.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:23 PM
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Hey there, Threewishes; another fellow Alaskan here. And Tuffgirl is right, it's a beautiful day. You'll do just fine getting everything shipped and transferred. It actually sounds like you've got it pretty well mapped out - just one stage at time.

My favorite part of the flight home is always not long before landing, looking out the window and seeing mountains, mountains and more mountains. (I'm sure it was a favorite part of the flight for my aisle mates, too: she's finally quiet. Stewardess, please don't give her any more coffee!) It was always my favorite part of the drive home too, when we drove the Alcan - seeing the Wrangell-St. Elias range. When I saw the mountains, I knew we were almost home.

Wishing you calm in the midst of your packing and traveling and a beautiful view out your plane window as you get back home. Hang in there.
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