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Setting myself up

Old 03-01-2011, 01:54 PM
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Question Setting myself up

Today I did something really stupid and need a swift kick in the a##. It has been really quiet here since my last post. I try to remain upbeat and positive,even though inside I'm not.I closed all the accounts and hold all the finances also now,so he has no access to funds. Which seems like thats not really an answer.Anyway,today I was going to see my Mom and he asked for money for a hoagie. I told him I had to run to the grocery store and would bring him home one.Well that didn't go over well,he said he didn't know what he wanted yet. Can you say RED FLAGS........they were shooting over my head.I thought thats odd and I do not believe that for one minute.Then I made the stupid comment "tell me this isn't for booze" when I knew in ym heart and head it was.
He promised me and I made him look me in the eye.Well didn't I do the dumbest thing and give him 10 bucks. I came home 4 hours ago and he has been in bed since I got home. I know hes drunk and I helped him get drunk. Why did I do that?
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:23 PM
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Live. And. Learn.
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:25 PM
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Been there done that. Hell, one time I drove from the ER to the LIQUOR STORE to "make the detox easier." Tell me THAT ain't stupid. Don't beat yourself up about it, just remind yourself that manipulation lurks around every corner when they're actively seeking and that you're not doing anything wrong by protecting yourself.
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:31 PM
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You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.


Preventing him from having money will not prevent him from drinking, nor will it make him stop drinking.

Have you considered Al-Anon?
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:31 PM
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it's hard to come to terms with the fact that they LIE.
They lie to get what they want.
"Look me in the eye" means nothing to them.

Next time you will know better.
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:04 PM
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You know the more I think about it I'm not sure if I didn't create a problem.If I'm going to be totally honest I think I'm sicker that he is. Maybe things were just tooo quiet and I needed to create choas. I'm starting to pick apart why I act and react to things the way I do and it's beginning to look ugly. Maybe I need to feel superior to him and to sabbotage him is the way. I'm confused
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:33 PM
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yes, yes and YES! I have felt all those things. Do I need the chaos? When we create chaos we somehow feel like we have some control over the turmoil. Do I need to feel superior? I certainly make him feel less of a person with my disapproving scowl and comments. Am I sicker than he is? In some ways YES! I did not recognize all of this or see how I could change it until I started going to Al Anon. You cannot control his drinking. Don't be upset that you were "duped". You tried to do an impossible thing and expected it to work! So hard to stop trying to fix them.
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:10 AM
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ok. no biggie. It's not the first time he's been drunk. It isn't going to be the last (unless he's somehow found recovery since the last time you posted).

Now you know better.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:50 AM
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Sorry to be a pest but I'm new and learning. How do I handle the next day when he is sober and acting like nothing happened? Do i talk to him without contempt.Do I ignore him? I'm conflicted.To say nothing about his actions doesn't seem right ,but neither does acting like nothing happened at all.I do not know how to handle basic communication when he sobers up. Also how do you overlook the "no apology" part? I'm trtying to detach. but that is hard after being Attached for 20 years.
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Old 03-04-2011, 08:31 PM
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The thing is, he's not going to apologize no matter what. Unless he actually wishes to.

1. you bring it up, demand an apology
2. you bring it up, tell you in your world, a person would apologize
3. you don't bring it up, neither does he

Do you see that in all three scenarios, even if he said the words you long to hear, it would be false. So what's the point?

Keep coming here. We will help to bolster you up. Consider starting to attend al-anon or naranon, and many of us think the Melody Beattie books are about the truest things ever written.

Just please, don't give up on yourself.
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Old 03-04-2011, 09:36 PM
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I so understand where you are coming from. While I have not taken over all the bank accounts I surely have thought about it. I feel like I have been duped for most of our 21 year marriage. I can't tell you how many times I have second guessed myself for how I handled "the" situation. Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing your best! As others have state learn from this.

I too am struggling with the detachment, and that I have no influence on getting him to sobriety. Bottom line is if I yell and scream or say nothing the outcome is still the same.... he will drink until he decides not to. While I maybe able to influence him into going to AA and perhaps to not drink for a bit, until he is ready to stop there will be no end to the roller coaster ride of this disease. I will be going to my first Alanon meeting Monday because I am done taking the ride with him. I want off. If at some point he does recover, how will I ever be able to trust that he has? Hate all of this!
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Old 03-05-2011, 01:29 AM
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Forgive yourself and learn the lesson. If you grew up in chaos it looks normal to you. I ended up finally leaving my AH because for one thing I got tired of being used for car rides to the store when he would swear he was going to get steaks or something and come out with steaks and a case of beer. It took years but I finally let go. They lie when they know you know they are lying. The substance is what controls them. I heard here let go or be dragged.
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:05 AM
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well I'm not all that surprised, by his behavior that is.
A are liars.
You shouldn't be surprised.
But now you know just how easy it is for him to lie to you.
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