barb dwyer

I do that too -
go out of body when it gets to a certain point.

I walk into walls
shut my coat in the car door
and am constantly losing keys.

One thing I learned
when going through all that homeless stuff
job loss stuff and all that rot last year

was I quit fighting it.

I quit trying to appear as if everything was ok.

I think you'll understand what I mean.
I'd think, 'I ought to be packing this'
or "I ought to be doing that"

and it'd just foul up
because it wasn't what I WAS doing
it was trying to do what I thought
others would think I SHOULD be doing.

I hope that came across.

here's another for the road

FindingPeace1

Thanks, everyone.
I had a better day today.
I forgot another meeting today, but I got a lot of work done.
One breath at a time was my mantra today.
Pushing through finalizing that we WILL divorce and where we will file, etc. is painful, but I didn't talk to my AH today, so there was more peace.
Does anyone know if CA and/or OR are community property states?
I don't THINK my AH will saddle me with half his school and credit card debt he incurred while we were married, but if a judge decided I got it? Holy smokes.
I am under $10,000 for school loans (woohoo!), but I never found out what my AH owes. If he says I don't get his debt will a judge just GO with that? Could it be it all just gets divided evenly (God forbid!).
I know no one can give legal advice, I just wondered if anybody knew...

Thumper

If you both agree on something, then the judge will sign it regardless of what kind of state you live in.

I got 1/2 my dh's school loans. Actually he kept all the loans but got 100% of my 401K so it was the same difference.

I think you definitely need a lawyer.

LexieCat

I know CA is a community property state, not sure about OR.

BUT I also know that those laws only apply where there is no agreement between the parties--nobody is going to force you to split anything any particular way if you've agreed something is fair.

Here's how my first husband and I did it. We had regular (once a month or so) "negotiating" sessions with each other. Just sat down together and talked about what we wanted and what would be fair. For instance, the kids were staying with him (we agreed on that), so it made sense for him to get the house. OTOH, I had a pension at work that would SOMEDAY be worth a lot, which, in theory, he could have been entitled to a portion of. He kept the house, I kept my pension. It felt fair to us. He also kept most of the furniture, though I took a couple of items he didn't NEED and I furnished my small new apartment largely with second-hand stuff. We worked out the debt jointly--most of our debt was shared. We split the bank accounts (which were small). We both walked away a LITTLE bit poorer, but both had what we needed, and most important, neither of us felt wronged by the agreement.

Now, here's how we saved on legal fees. Once we had agreed in principle, we had his lawyer (whose fees were less) draft an agreement that incorporated what we wanted to accomplish. We then had MY lawyer (who was more expensive) simply review it and suggest any necessary changes. Then we added the fees together and split them evenly.

If you can cooperate, it makes the whole process much less painful. There are books out there that help you figure out how to negotiate a settlement with each other. I highly recommend it if you think you can arrive at an agreement.

Lithloren

Dear Finding Peace,

I totally know how you are feeling right now

My ex-BF quit doing crack a couple years, but there had been so much damage that I just could not trust him anymore. I just could never regain those feelings of love and trust that I had for him in the beginning, so I broke up with him the end of October last year. I was so relieved when he was gone. I felt so free.

He ended up moving to another state. He called almost every other day for two months, but I never picked up the phone. He left messages telling me how much he loved me and how he was making a new life for us. He even sent me money.

I started to think maybe things were different. Maybe I had made a mistake. In a moment of weakness I answered the phone at midnight on New Years Eve. We started talking again. His mother even got on the phone and thanked me because she had the son back that she remembered when he was a child. She apologized for thinking I was such a bitch the way I had treated him. She was just in awe of how wonderful he was doing.

Then he just stopped calling.....During the past 4 1/2 years we were together. he always called.....no matter what, he always called.

After two weeks, I finally called him and asked him if he had met someone and he told me he had. I knew he must be pretty serious about her to just dump me like that. I got upset and started crying. He hung up on me...while I was crying.

I too went into a state of shock. I could not believe that he did that to me. Like you, I started forgetting things, losing things, unable to eat and unable to sleep. It didn't really make any sense to me. I had broke up with him, I was doing fine without him, but I guess the fact that I was now truly alone was just too much to bear. Thank you for sharing that. No one seemed to get what I was feeling or why I felt the way I did.

Fortunately I received the book called The Healing Code the day I found out he had met someone and started applying the healing code. I also started reading about hand yoga and started combining the two.

The first thing I knew I needed to focus on was forgiveness. I knew that I could not live with resentment, but I just could not get there, so I started to work on releasing the deep sadness that I was feeling. I started to feel better, but as I was doing the exercise for sadness, I realized that what I was really feeling was self-pity and ANGER.

I have listed the exercise for releasing anger if you would like to try it.

What you do is grasp your ear lobes with your thumb and middle finger with each hand and gently pull them out and gently down. Breathe slowly and deeply for about 3 minutes. Then shake out your hands when you are finished.

It was amazing, I am not sure if I felt the anger leaving, but something defintely is gone I am feeling better and better every day.

Lithloren

barb dwyer

Just dropped by to day hello and see how things are today.

Sorry I don't know anything about the property stuff.
I tend to break up with exes that either
take it all
or have already taken it all
when time to close the door comes.

One of the few advantages of poverty I suppose.
Not really hip on the Wal mart bag luggage, though..
although it DOES match....

Pretend I stopped by with a plate of calorie free brownies...
and maybe a smile.

FindingPeace1

Ahhh, you gals! I really appreciate it.
Last night two girlfriends called me up and insisted they come over and hang out. It felt wonderful.
Likewise, your brownies and love makes a difference!

I am doing better today.
My boss suggested I only talk to my STBXAH (first time for that!) after work. I think that's a good idea.
I have 9 days off, by coincidence, on Sunday. I was going to visit my AH. Now, I'm trying to decide if I try to get a plane ticket to the local big town, rent a uhaul and pick up the rest of my stuff from his house.
I feel rushed, but won't have time off again till Fall.
I could file papers and stuff during this break.
Anyway, not sure if the rush stress counteracts the getting it done.

I'm hanging in and every post give me a little hug.
Thanks!

LaTeeDa

Aw FP, I was a mess when I was separating/divorcing. I managed to back into my garage door before it was fully open resulting in a $400 repair bill! My kids were reminding me about things that needed to be done and when. I never dreamed in a million years I would be going through with it and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

From where I am now, all that seems like another lifetime. I'm here to tell you that it does get better and you will get through it. My therapist helped me a lot during that time. I hope you have one, besides the couples counseling, to help you through it, too.

L

FindingPeace1

Thanks, LTD. I don't currently have a counselor. Couples counseling is OVER.
We had three free sessions. I decided not to continue.
The last one, the therapist tried to wrap up by saying, "Okay, AH, it seems FP is saying she has an issue with alcohol and what you can say is - FP, I love you. I see you have a concern with alcohol and I am willing to..."
My AH said, "FP, I love you. I see you have a concern with alcohol and...I am...willing to..."
silence.
for a long time.

I said to the therapist, "Don't worry about it. It's okay. I'm getting it."

We got off the phone with AH.

The therapist rolled his eyes and said, "WOW! That was like getting blood from a turnip!"

Oh, geez. LOL!

Unprofessional and comforting all at once.

I may have seen all the therapists (two) in the closest town (2 hours away).

I may need to search out a phone therapist.

I am reticent to start much because when I file, I am afraid my health insurance will stop and then I have to start with my company and I don't know how long that takes...yadda yadda.

SR is my lifeline.

Hugs.
peace

johnnymau

I have say: I LOVE this phrase!

If I have learned anything in recovery, it is a deep appreciation for all things paradoxical.

Keep being awesome, FP!

wicked

and to me, for some reason I felt validated.
now, outside of my "best thinking" someone knew and understood.
thank you for reminding me of a good time in my life, and my reality is reality.

good stuff, and "blood from a turnip" was one of my mothers sayings.

:ghug3

Beth

FindingPeace1

One day at a time! I'm hanging in!
peace

Carol Star

I am 3 1/2 years post divorce and am fine now- but I was where you are. This too shall pass. I couldn't sleep or eat, my hair was falling out, I lost 30 lbs., I would grind my teeth. I was a walking zombie. I was messing up at work. I had a great sponser who led me to yoga, a recovery therapist, meditation, and I did lots of Alanon. The only way through it is- through it. If the seperation agreement is fair and 50/50 it shouldn't be too difficult. Long walks with the dog helped. I kept busy with a couple of great girlfriends. I had an affirmation....I will get through this with grace and ease. I had a calander where I would write down on the day what I had to do. I would observe my body when I would be stressed. It would pass. Emotions move and pass. (emote means move) This too shall pass. Divorce was sad and hard but was just a piece of paper. I signed my name like I do all the time for lots of things. We just don't live in each others lives on a daily basis anymore. My parents divorce was hard on me as a child so it was doubly hard it seemed at the time like feeling it AGAIN. But it passed. My higher power wouldn't put me to it- if he couldn't get me through it. The actress Reese Witherspoon said she was going through her divorce and was coming out of the grocery store and looked at the people in the parking lot and realized.....51% of these people like me have gone through a divorce! You will look back at it and see the lessons learned. But that will be down the road. Looking back makes you depressed, looking forward makes you have anxiety, but you are fine in this moment. My therapist had me take Valarian Root (health food store) to help with anxiety and it did. I am in recovery and she said I could take this when needed. Yoga and meditation really helped. Just concentrate on your breath. My wonderful sponser led me to meditation. I still do walking meditation. This is a difficult time. You may have had others. They pass. Even when our glass is half full it is all we need......water and air......and SR! You are not alone.

FindingPeace1

What a wonderful post and just what I needed today! Thank you all for your kindness and experience.

My mom and I agreed to meditate in the mornings together, which is great (on skype). I will see if I can put in some yoga. I definately am working on being in the now and breathing. Also, feeling my feelings and reminding myself that pain and sadness is okay and will pass. My dog helps.

I have some friends in town for a few days, so I know I'm in denial mode a little bit, but that's okay.

I don't think I can deal with going to see him. I might go see friends and not worry about my stuff right now. I can't go get my stuff till fall if I don't get it now, but I can't deal with it now.

I am feeling guilt about filing (we live 15 hour drive away) and making him drive down here for court appointments. I don't know how many there will be...that sucks for him.

I love you all.
One day at a time.
peace

wicked

FindingPeace,

Do what works for you.
You are really doing well.
(dont concern yourself with a little forgetfulness. it happens. )

Beth

stilllearning

"I might go see friends and not worry about my stuff right now. I can't go get my stuff till fall if I don't get it now, but I can't deal with it now."

This is a great idea. I thought of you on the weekend. I had a great movie night with a dear friend from al-anon and she said this year she was going to get her divorce. I nearly fell over. I have know her for four years (I didn't know she was in al-anon until I walked into my first meeting and saw her there in 2009). She has been separated for six and refers to her ex as her "ex-husband." He is every way but legally.

I'm not advocating that you take six years to get a divorce - but she has gotten round to it in her own time, when she was ready. Making the decision to divorce is huge. Can you sit with that for a while? A while being your own personal definition of a while - whatever works for you and keeps you sane? Me personally, I know that my raging inner codie needs to have everything done yesterday as soon as I decide I'm going to do it. I've also never been married, so others will no doubt have much more qualified advice. But I thought of you when I was driving home after I saw my friend.

Hugs,

SL.

Mavis1

I can really identify with what you are going thru...just remember it's not going to be an overnight thing, take baby steps, write down your plan, do a couple of things each day, move forward, try not to back step, get sucked in, change your mind etc. it's a process,keep telling yourself you can do it and once it's over you'll feel much better and more together I assure you. AND the plus of knowing how strong you really are and how much you care about yourself to do this. stay here, asking for help is the best thing you can do. support helps so much, don't do it alone, so many have gone thru this before you and are here for support.

when I made this decision I also had to try to go thru a mortgage loan modification and that was worse then the darn divorce thing, it took longer too!! I had a double wammy. well, all our situations are different, you'll get thru it!! way ta go, you made a HUGE decision to save yourself, pat yourself on the back...all the best.

FindingPeace1

You know, I'm not wanting to rush myself (I have been separated over a year), but I am 37 and if I am even going to have a CHANCE to meet someone, date, marry and have kids, I need to keep moving forward. It may not happen, but it MAY. KWIM?

wicked

Oh, yes it certainly may happen.
It may not happen the way you envision it, but, if you keep putting those vibes out there, the universe will be listening.
Keep that dream alive FindingPeace.

Beth