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I think I'm getting better at this

Old 03-01-2011, 08:52 AM
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I think I'm getting better at this

My AH is really good at inventing a crisis. He claims to have car problems almost daily, although we share the same vehicle and I've never experienced any of the problems with the car he claims to have. These problems always keep him gone for hours at a time. Last night he came home from his evening AA meeting (he claims he goes to two a day) out of breath saying he just ran 2 miles home because the car ran out of gas on his way back from the meeting.

I know the car had just under 1/4 tank of gas earlier in the day. And that the AA meeting he claims to attend is not that far away. He talked and talked, then told me I needed to come up with some money for gas. I asked where he left the car and he couldn't give me an answer, just a very vague response. He was finally able to tell me where it was after I asked several more times. I told him I knew the car had gas when he left (I just returned from the grocery strore before he was ready to leave) and I refused to give him the money or my debit card. He told me it would be my fault our son couldn't go to school tomorrow (DS attends the special ed pre-k program). I said that was fine DS could stay home. AH then said he sure hoped the kids car seats didn't get stolen... or the car. If anything happened it was going to be my fault for not giving him gas money.

This morning when I woke up at 7am AH was coming into the house. He didn't say anything about the car, but a few minutes later I noticed it was back in the driveway. When I asked him about it he claims he got help from the neighbor. When I took DS to school the car had as much gas in it as it did yesterday, even though he claims he was only able to put less than 2 gallons in...

My AH is unemployed (has been for almost a year now, and is not looking very hard for a job). I am a stay at home mom, and have no income. The money I have is supposed to buy me a car (its the settlement from when my car was totalled last summer), but he drinks away his unemployement and then I end up buying groceries or gas or clothes for the kids... or just about anything else needed. This time I put my foot down. He tried hugs and 'I love you's' to get what he wanted, but when that didn't work then got nasty and started name calling. But I stood firm.

But I doubted myself the entire time. What if DS really did have to miss school and I was wrong? Maybe this time AH really did run out of gas and has been having problems with the car..? I have been slowly trying to get stronger, but AH is so good at manipulation. And LYING! I never thought it was possible to lie about everything. I haven't been able to attend Al-Anon because the car is never available when I need it, except to get my DS to and from school. AH always 'forgets' that I had something to do, or the car always has some mysterious problem that needs his immediate attention. But I've been reading as much as I can. Right now I'm reading 'Codependent No More', and spending as much time as I can on SR (when the internet works and the kids are occupied). My next book is 'Why Does He Do That', and the list goes on...

During the summer our air conditioning was constantly going out due to a fuse problem, then when it got cold our heater started doing the same thing. I suspected AH of sabbotaging it, but could never prove it...and of course if I said something I was always told how crazy and paranoid I was. In December when he went into the hospital for pancreatitis (for the third time) he half heartedly admitted to being the cause of the problem. But at the time since I wasn't sure I always caved and gave him the money he said he needed for fuses or other stuff. We have two little kids and when it was almost 90 degrees in the house during the summer they were miserable, and when it was so cold inside we could see our breath they didn't like that much either. Since his hospital stay we have experienced ZERO problems with the heat. But now we have constant car problems...

Geez, I know I'm rambling this morning. I guess I just need some positive feedback. Did I do the right thing (the right way) or was I just being the 'B' he says I am? I have such a hard time standing up for myself. I've allowed my self esteem to be crushed for far too long. I'm tired of feeling like this. I want ME back. I've taken some positive steps, but I feel like I'm moving too slow sometimes.

Anyway, if you read this much .
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:15 AM
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WOW. WOW. I am so sorry that you are going through this (and probably much more, but who has time to type that much, right?!) I am very glad you found us. I found SR in October after trying to figure it out by myself for almost 10 years and the progress that I have made in the last couple of months is CRAZY! I lurked around the forum and read a lot of the threads before finally registering and posting myself. The people here are amazing and it seems like someone always has the answer......or at least a good option that I never thought of. I feel like my life has dramatically improved since I started on SR.
I would also recommend Al-Anon.......where the focus in on YOU, not him.

I think you did great-setting the boundary about the car "issues" and then sticking to it. Baby steps. Take back control of your life. It's hard. But you can do it-you proved that yesterday when you didn't give him "gas" money. Slowly but surely. Please don't give up. Post here and read here-it really does help. And finally, you are not alone. Many of us on SR have gone through the same or WORSE-if you can believe that! My XAH was always finding drama to bring my way. He still does, since we have kids, but we don't live with him anymore so it's not in my face contantly.
I wish you peace.......
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:34 AM
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MyBetterWorld, Thanks SOOO much. You are right, there is so much more I could have written, but I tried to keep it short! I hate that AH uses our kids to get his way. I'm sure he does because he knows that is the one way he can always get to me. I am so thankful I found SR. I have found some really great info on here. Baby steps... I can do this!
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:44 AM
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I will share a story.......after I took my kids and moved out it only took about a month for my X to become homeless. I told him he could stay temporarily. Temporarily turned into almost 3 months. He tirelessly used the kids against me.......he would tell my 7 year old that mommy was kicking him out and he had no money and would probably die. She would cry and then try to give him her piggy bank money. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO NOT OKAY! I caved everytime because I didn't want her hurting. But you know what? I wasn't the one hurting her or breaking her heart-HE WAS! Once I finally admitted that to myself, it all became clear.
I took the girls to see my dad in Arizona for a week and told him he needed to be gone before we left, that I was locking the door and that he couldn't stay there. That was over a month ago and he hasn't tried to come back. I don't know what he did there for a little while, but he managed to find himself a girlfriend and has moved in with her. HOORAY! not my problem any more, ever again. He continues to drink, last time I say him he looked terrible, but you know what? I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control his drinking and only HE can cure it. If he wants to go down that road I am not going with him and neither are my children. I have somehow managed to make my life about us again and will never turn back. It's not easy, but I am getting healthy again. No constant headaches, no stomach problems, no constant sore neck. The life was literally sucking the life out of me! I have even managed to lose a couple of stingy pounds, the stress was making that impossible. I KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THIS. STAY STRONG. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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