OT - harassment, sexual harassment or just plain bizarre behavior?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by stilllearning 
I got an email with "sorry" in the subject line but the first two sentences made it clear that he still, even after being called into a meeting by his supervisor, thought it was a misunderstanding on my part. He wrote that he understood I had chosen to report something that I perceived as being "inappropriate" (he used quotation marks).
And I had a huge a-ha moment. This man wasn't sorry. No reflection. Still angry at me for -my- reaction to his inappropriate behavior (no quotation marks necessary). And he is not ever going to change. Not if HR talks to him, not if his supervisor talks to him. Total sense of entitlement.
And I had a huge a-ha moment. This man wasn't sorry. No reflection. Still angry at me for -my- reaction to his inappropriate behavior (no quotation marks necessary). And he is not ever going to change. Not if HR talks to him, not if his supervisor talks to him. Total sense of entitlement.
Originally Posted by stilllearning
... my big boss thanked me for being brave enough to come forward and said that if I hadn't, HR wouldn't have had a heads up, other people might not have been willing to report him and that he could have done even more damage before something finally gave... .
Originally Posted by stilllearning
I don't know whether I would have taken it further without the feedback I got on the boards... so thank you, truly, to everyone who gave me feedback. What he did was wrong, and reporting it was the right thing to do. Easy to say in hindsight but the night it happened I wasn't sure whether I was making too much of it. .
Originally Posted by stilllearning
I'm the Queen of the long posts lately but I wanted to write all of that out for myself as much as anything. I think I grew a little this week but boy it was exhausting.
And let me point out: none of the negative outcomes of awfulization happened, when you stepped forward and communicated about this problem. You were NOT held hostage by awfulization!
CLMI
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
EXCELLENT outcome, good job!
I actually got called in once, by my boss, because I'd made a female co-worker uncomfortable and upset because I jokingly called her a "b*tch" after she had made a big show of teasing ME. Now, my friends and I will joke that way with each other all the time, but this woman was Hispanic and from the inner city, and where she grew up, that was a SERIOUS fighting word. You didn't call someone a "B" unless you were ready to throw down.
I immediately apologized IN PERSON, and told her I was VERY sorry I'd embarrassed or hurt her in any way. And I was. It wasn't a misperception on her part (after all, I DID say it), but even though I didn't mean to hurt her, I did. She graciously accepted my apology and I was a lot more careful about using words that might be offensive in the workplace.
Sounds like this guy didn't see ANYTHING wrong with what he did, and like he had no intention of changing the way he behaved.
You were very brave--I'm proud of ya.
I actually got called in once, by my boss, because I'd made a female co-worker uncomfortable and upset because I jokingly called her a "b*tch" after she had made a big show of teasing ME. Now, my friends and I will joke that way with each other all the time, but this woman was Hispanic and from the inner city, and where she grew up, that was a SERIOUS fighting word. You didn't call someone a "B" unless you were ready to throw down.
I immediately apologized IN PERSON, and told her I was VERY sorry I'd embarrassed or hurt her in any way. And I was. It wasn't a misperception on her part (after all, I DID say it), but even though I didn't mean to hurt her, I did. She graciously accepted my apology and I was a lot more careful about using words that might be offensive in the workplace.
Sounds like this guy didn't see ANYTHING wrong with what he did, and like he had no intention of changing the way he behaved.
You were very brave--I'm proud of ya.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Thanks to everyone who took the time to post - Catlover you're right, he was gaslighting.
One of the most powerful things to come out of it was something that the HR manager told me. I asked what happened in organisations where bullying is rife. He said that an organisation's culture drives everything. And that when it comes to bullying and harassment, they both breed more of the same. He said as a first step you try to nurture or educate but if that isn't working, you get to a point where you need to find where it started and simply remove the problem for the good of the organisation.
Isn't that amazing. I work for a company whose primary concern is keeping the culture healthy. To do that in this instance, after finding numerous breaches of policies they obviously take seriously, they removed the problem.
How many years have I spent trying to rehabilitate, nurture or educate (by that I mean lecture, obviously..) people who weren't having a positive effect on my own life or my mental health. Yeeears .... Removing myself from the problem has never been my first choice but it sounded so simple and logical in an organizational context.
My office isn't perfect, no workplace is - but I think it's the healthiest workplace I've ever been in, last week's face-grabbing aside. I wonder whether I've finally ended up in a healthy workplace (I started there the same week as my one year anniversary in al-anon) because I'm in a healthier place? Food for thought.
And FourMaggie - I'm pulling for you. I hope you get what you're owed, you deserve it.
Hugs,
SL.
One of the most powerful things to come out of it was something that the HR manager told me. I asked what happened in organisations where bullying is rife. He said that an organisation's culture drives everything. And that when it comes to bullying and harassment, they both breed more of the same. He said as a first step you try to nurture or educate but if that isn't working, you get to a point where you need to find where it started and simply remove the problem for the good of the organisation.
Isn't that amazing. I work for a company whose primary concern is keeping the culture healthy. To do that in this instance, after finding numerous breaches of policies they obviously take seriously, they removed the problem.
How many years have I spent trying to rehabilitate, nurture or educate (by that I mean lecture, obviously..) people who weren't having a positive effect on my own life or my mental health. Yeeears .... Removing myself from the problem has never been my first choice but it sounded so simple and logical in an organizational context.
My office isn't perfect, no workplace is - but I think it's the healthiest workplace I've ever been in, last week's face-grabbing aside. I wonder whether I've finally ended up in a healthy workplace (I started there the same week as my one year anniversary in al-anon) because I'm in a healthier place? Food for thought.
And FourMaggie - I'm pulling for you. I hope you get what you're owed, you deserve it.
Hugs,
SL.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'm very glad you went to HR...
I'm a 45 year old man, raised in the 60s and 70s to be a stereotypical man, and from the very start this dude was completely out of line. You did the right thing, and I commend you for it, but I would ask you with a great deal of respect to please consider two things in the future.
The first is this-- the moment a second thing happened everything that happened next was all about him and not about you. It is, in my opinion, a huge problem to feel the following, "...I don't want to be a drama queen about this. She has a duty to report it to HR and I don't want to be "that" woman - who makes a complaint." It is this exact dynamic that makes harassers feel they can get away with **** in the workplace. They rely on it. Please do what it takes so you no longer believe this is OK. I pray to God my daughter will always want to be "that" woman. I'm raising her to be "that" woman. I love "that" woman. She kicks ass.
The second is when you said this, "My heart sank and I told her immediately that wasn't my intention." Harassers also depend on women who feel this way, women who will try to keep them from getting fired even though their behavior is inappropriate. Again, I pray to God my daughter will always want these rat *******s to be fired.
As a man in a professional environment, the last thing I need is for some back-asswards, dickwad making the women I work with feel uncomfortable around men. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to other men.
If I didn't think it would get me in trouble, I'd share exactly how I feel about this dude with you. Suffice to say, it would have been my exact intention that he get fired-- if not for anything else, simply because he did not respect the boundaries of his coworkers. I would also have been looking for every opportunity to beat the crap out of him.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. I rely on the filters to catch my swearing. Just so everybody knows, I just found out that occasionally the filters fail so in certain scenarios it doesn't catch the f-word. Lookout for that.
The first is this-- the moment a second thing happened everything that happened next was all about him and not about you. It is, in my opinion, a huge problem to feel the following, "...I don't want to be a drama queen about this. She has a duty to report it to HR and I don't want to be "that" woman - who makes a complaint." It is this exact dynamic that makes harassers feel they can get away with **** in the workplace. They rely on it. Please do what it takes so you no longer believe this is OK. I pray to God my daughter will always want to be "that" woman. I'm raising her to be "that" woman. I love "that" woman. She kicks ass.
The second is when you said this, "My heart sank and I told her immediately that wasn't my intention." Harassers also depend on women who feel this way, women who will try to keep them from getting fired even though their behavior is inappropriate. Again, I pray to God my daughter will always want these rat *******s to be fired.
As a man in a professional environment, the last thing I need is for some back-asswards, dickwad making the women I work with feel uncomfortable around men. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to other men.
If I didn't think it would get me in trouble, I'd share exactly how I feel about this dude with you. Suffice to say, it would have been my exact intention that he get fired-- if not for anything else, simply because he did not respect the boundaries of his coworkers. I would also have been looking for every opportunity to beat the crap out of him.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. I rely on the filters to catch my swearing. Just so everybody knows, I just found out that occasionally the filters fail so in certain scenarios it doesn't catch the f-word. Lookout for that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Great post, C.
That's why I posted that extract from the blog. To show examples of how women have been brought up (directly or indirectly) to not stand up for themselves. That doesn't make it our fault, however it does feed into the dynamic.
Thank you, C, for being one of the good guys. I'm glad we have you and other men like you alongside us.
That's why I posted that extract from the blog. To show examples of how women have been brought up (directly or indirectly) to not stand up for themselves. That doesn't make it our fault, however it does feed into the dynamic.
Thank you, C, for being one of the good guys. I'm glad we have you and other men like you alongside us.
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