Vent: is it normal to not jump 4 joy
 

Is it normal not to jump for joy when someone finally enters rehab?
I am so angry at my AH I am having a hard time putting on a "way to go" face.
I mean, I am happy he is in rehab, I hope it works out this will be the last time he ever is there, and agree he truly needs it for himself and to be a better Dad.
But, everything leading up to this stage has angered me. And then to know he has a significant chance of relapsing very soon after he gets out - it just feels like even if he gets better I will constantly be worried about relapse and besides that drinking certainly wasn't our only marriage problem.
Maybe in the next month, after not talking much I will feel different as will he.
Should I bite my tongue if they have a weekend family visit?
Thanks for listening!

Have you tried Al-Anon?

Might help to get the focus off him and back on you. He's going to rehab, and you're the one who's ticked off and suffering.

It's understandable that you are angry. I had so much anger for my AH and it is slowly disappating through Alanon and counseling.

Unfortunately, my AH is not totally committed to recovering. Since he is not living with us he seems to manage his alcohol enough that he can pop in and out of my kids lives just enough for them not to notice.

Now that I am calmer and peaceful it is better than it was when he was living with us.

As for jumping for joy if and when AH ever seeks true recovery - I don't think I will have it in me to do so, I'm totally used up.

Maybe I might feel glad for AH if/when he is recovering that he gave himself a better life and will be more available for our kids.

As I continue my own recovery through Alanon, I may feel differently, but right now I'm just accepting what is and sad about it.

If I may suggest you leave your AH to his recovery and don't worry about how you have to feel about that. Take some time to care for yourself.

A family weekend might be good for the kids - we just did a ski weekend with AH and I was calm and peaceful, didn't get much from AH and the kids got what they needed (younger ones). Somehow it seems kids seem to be fine taking what they want/need of what's available from AH and leaving the rest!

The best possible decision in this scenario, as has already been suggested, is Alanon meetings. They are for you, not him, and you'll be happy you tried it.

I would say it's completely "normal" -- knowing that when you've lived with an active alcoholic, "normal" isn't what normal people call normal.

I also think it's quite sternly realistic to see entering rehab just as the first step. It's a necessary one, but by no means the end of the journey.

Before I started with Al-Anon, I did the happy dance when my A was scheduled for rehab after a really bad binge. The dance didn't last too long as he relapsed THREE DAYS before he was scheduled to go - it took another 8 weeks to get him back in there. During that time, I worried each and every hour of the day whether he would make it back to rehab and it made my life a living hell.

Keep in mind at the time, we lived on opposite sides of the country and the loss of control and helplessness was aggravated by the distance between us. The happy dance quickly turned to the dance of anger when he relapsed and what trust I had evaporated pretty darned quickly. I got very angry at him, at anyone else who happened to be close by and I was angry with myself for believing him yet again that this time would be different.

I started Al-Anon and it was the best thing possible - took the focus of of him and turned it to me and helped me realize that I had no control (no matter what the physical distance was between us) over his drinking, whether he made it to rehab or relapsed before or after.

It has not been an easy road ( I did move to be with him) and after each relapse when we were living together, I lost a little more anger as I slowly relinquished the control that his drinking had over me.

Like dancingnow, I don't do a happy dance now where ABF's sobriety is concerned-it's his thing to deal with and to be honest, while I am cautiously optimistic, I'm still not 100% sure this will be "the time."

Does not mean we don't have a good relationship-we do, I look at each day as a gift both for me in my recovery and him in his sobriety.

My serenity and happiness are mine to work on and to keep, while ABF's sobriety is his and in spite of the elephant in the room, we respect each other,s choices and make our life together work.

I was going to tell you to read my earlier post, if you want to compare ANGER..Wow!
I was over the edge with anger. It was killing me inside. I really didnt know a person could have so much anger inside of them and have their heart to continue to beat.

"I SURVIVED" and my RAH didnt even see what I was going thru. He went into a 30 day rehab, which $10 grand came out our pocketbook. I look back at my past months, and I wish I would have never kept that anger in me for as long as I did. It got me no where.

I know when your new to this site and Alanon, you just dont understand what some of these people mean with their words like, Detach, Let Go, Boundarys..It is overwhelming. Its like trying to learn Chinese, but if you read alot and go to classes, it will soon sink in your head of what their words mean. The words soon become a survival tool, that you must exercise in your brain every minute of the day...I always tell myself "Work It Baby"
Im far from being healed and I still have anger that arises, but atleast now Im aware of why I have the anger and I stop and think of a plan, of what Im going to do with it..
I always try to ask myself, Is that good for me???

At rehab, we had 2 solid days of family intervention/session. It was very intense and alot of emotions came out. Some of the wives shared their sadness, ME, well I was like a dragon with fire spewing from my mouth. Everyone handles it differently.

BUT I WILL TELL YOU: Like many told me, Rehab is not the MAGIC PILL. I thought MINE would be different...One week out of rehab and mine was drunk...If you read back on my post, its been a ride from hell, before and after....Major Anger!!!

I will say like the others, GET TO ALANON & STAY ON THIS FORUM..It does HELP!!
It might take a couple of times or a couple of days, but you will hear or read one thing, and your light will come on...

******BUT....Back to your earlier post..REGARDING: dual diagnosis of mental illness
That is an entire different story!!!!
I know some of the men that were in rehab with my AH were diagnosised with Post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar, depression, etc. That takes professional help and that is not me nor you.
After listening to their stories, I could not even relate. My only advise towards that is, let the professionals do their job and your HP. Your not a doctor, this is where they tell you in Alanon, YOU CANT FIX IT!!!
As good wives, we always try...lol...Been there done that.

I know we get angry too, because we cant fix it!!

I know that I got angry because I just wanted a normal life, a normal marriage, a normal family.

I know now that I hated to say the words..Yes, my husand is an alcoholic..

I know now that I hated to say Good Bye, to the person who once loved me and not
a bottle.

I know now, that I have to Let Go & Let God Fix Me

I hope you get into Alanon and follow this forum. Go treat yourself to some good books to read too...I know late at night when I cant sleep, I will study the 12 steps that are listed on this site, over an over and over, until my thick head soaks it in...HOPE YOU DO THE SAME!!

If someone writes a post back or you read one that catches your attention, I know your mind is in a fog, so come back and read it again and again, until it sinks in. You might even have to come back 3 days later and re-read it...The light will come on...

If you dont understand what FIX ME means or DETACH WITH LOVE...
Ask someone in a ALANON class or ask on here. There are alot of wise people on here who have been around the block and have some pretty wise information..LISTEN, ASK...
Dont be afraid...We are all in the same boat together!!!

I have learned, dont talk to your friends or family too much on WHAT to do's..
Because the normal people dont have a clue on what alcoholism is and how in depth
the problem really is...It's not just about having too many beers, wish it was that simple...

GOOD LUCK TO YA!!!

ty
 

Thank you so much for all your input. I will go to Al-anon this week.
It is so helpful to hear your stories, many sound similar.
I just read the al-anon phamplet about an alcoholic merry go round...it is almost spooky how right it is.

Well said, BobbyJ! My RAH has been in recovery for coming up on 120 days this month. I am not jumping for joy by any means, but I am learning to be far more grateful for each day that he remains sober, as it gives our family a chance to survive alcoholism. Al-Anon and reading everything I could get my hands on really helped to change where I was at - completely concreted in some pretty heavy anger. And like BobbyJ, that anger was really about my disappointment and resentment at not having a "normal" family and marriage.

Well - today this is my normal and it feels pretty manageable! I talk (and vent) to others in my group and here at SR, I don't bother my family with anything that isn't on a positive note; they don't understand, it only upsets them). I am letting go of the past hurts and anger...and I feel so much better today.

When someone first told me to Let Go and Let God, I scoffed - what does that have to do with anything going on in my sucky life?! Now its something I practice every day. In all aspects of my life. So far, so good.

I finally get it - the detachment, the acceptance. Keep reading, go to Al-Anon, it will start to sink in and you will find yourself in a much better place in life.

That was one of the first pamphlets I got when I started with Al-Anon. My original copy is tattered, dog eared, highlighted ......and helped me see my role in the drama. I still read it and have several copies as I have a habit of passing my copies on to newcomers.

Thanks again for all of your helpful input, this board is such a great resource.
One of the counselors from rehab called me today asking if I would be going to Al-anon, wanted to come in for family therapy, and if I was going to see a counselor.

For those of you with experience, will insurance cover counseling for the spouse...I always thought the patient had to be diagnosed with a medical condition before insurance would cover counseling. I will try and ask the rehab tomorrow as well to find out more info. Maybe if it was a family/marriage or LADC they would cover it based on him...?

Thanks guys and gals!

You have to check with your insurance to see what counseling is covered for you, they are all different, although I don't know if you live in a country that has health insurance.
That counseling is for you, the diagnosis has no bearing on the fact that you have an alcoholic in your life. The counselors always come up with some diagnosis so that they can get paid. You might have a copay, and limited number of visits. Check into it--it's counseling for you, not because you are married to an alcholic.

Maybe the question here is skewed. It isn't about "should". What do you feel? If you don't feel like jumping for joy, then don't. To thine own self be true.