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Help from Men about Relationships

Old 02-27-2011, 03:57 AM
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Help from Men about Relationships

I had been involved with a recovering alcoholic (he has been sober for 20+ yrs) for almost a year. During the whole relationship, it was push and pull. He was committed to making us a 'couple', but still felt the need to look elsewhere. Then it would be back to "pull' again. We finally broke off, but have remained friends (it hurt at first, but I like the friendship better).

Lately I have noticed that he has tried to throw himself into 'new' relationships very fast, completely forgetting everyone and trying to be at home just to make sure he can talk with 'her' (used to do that with me) on messenger. He has met these women on a popular dating site which is not wrong...heck I have thought of doing it. But what has bothered me about his behaviour is that the most recent woman he met online (less than a month, three weeks actually) bought a plane ticket to go and see her. About a week before he was to leave, they had a misunderstanding and he said it was over. But he still was going out there to visit a friend (the friend was real), long story short she met him and they 'made' up. Now he has talked about leaving his job and his home town to move out there. Also, I just found out he missed a couple of loan payments in order that he could make this trip, and has already planned another.

When I brought up his actions about what he does in relationships (after nicely trying to say be careful, and "think about what you are really doing") .. he told me it was always his dream to live out there (which is true), and that after being there..."It was just right". "I will not be moving out there to be with her, but it would be a nice bonus if it happens".

I am hopeful that it is right for him and he is doing it for what he says he is doing for HIM. But I feel he is doing this for all the wrong reasons. He has always looked for love elsewhere. Even while he was married, which ended over a year and a half ago. I have more on why I think this has to do with him being a recovering alcoholic, but I don't have two pages....lol.

I am posting in the hopes that some men have seen or had this behaviour and let me know what they think about his attitude and if it is detrimental to him, and should I bring this up to him again or his sponsor (as he is a very good friend (sponsor)).

Waiting to hear
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Old 02-27-2011, 05:51 AM
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I know you were asking men to comment, but I can't help asking how it's your business to "save" him from this decision. You told him what you think, and now it's really his decision to make. Maybe it's right, maybe it's wrong, maybe it will turn out for the best in the long run. You can't possibly know what his Higher Power has in store for him.
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:11 AM
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so? what does this have to do with you?...nothing...let him live his life...thats right HIS LIFE and his rules....
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:37 AM
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not male but here is my theory based on my AH behavior

My husband has always been faithful. Of this I have no doubt. When his personality started changing he began a relationship with someone else. He was open about their friendship at first and then things got sketchy. When we finally separated he said that he was seeing her and that he was i love with her-ouch!
They don't have a real relationship. She is married and he is not responsible for or accountable to her for anything. They email and have secret phone conversations when her husband is not home. I have come to believe that this relationship is just another part of his disease. She makes him feel like the alcohol does. He is very careful about controlling his drinking so he probably isn't getting all he used to get from the alcohol. But when he is with her he feels appreciated, feels good about himself. She is his new drug. I do think that is a very real part of the alcoholic thinking. They are looking for the next rush. Its good that you are comfortable enough to point out what he should consider, especially if it is out of concern for a friend. (Isn't it funny how we have to pick and choose our words so carefully?) But all those wise folks are right. It is not your problem and he needs to make his choices and either succeed or fail on his own.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:02 AM
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There's an old joke that rings true, and probably in this case too: How can you tell two alcoholics are dating? There's a moving van in one of their driveways.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:55 AM
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Hello wonderingincda, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by wonderingincda View Post
I am posting in the hopes that some men have seen or had this behaviour and let me know what they think about his attitude and if it is detrimental to him, ....
I'm a guy, as well as an "alanoid", and ACoA and an AA, so I think I fit your requirements <joke>

What do I think about his attitude? I think that he's old enough to make his own decisions in life, and old enough to get help from a therapist or his sponsor if he should determine that the attitude is detrimental.

However, I am not sure what you are asking. Suppose you were to establish that his attitude is detrimental to _him_, what would you do then? And if you determine it is not detrimental, what then?

You are asking for information, but you don't seem to have a direction as to what you are going to do with the information once you get your answers.

So let me try this; is his attitude detrimental to _you_? Where are _your_ needs being met in this relationship? Suppose his attitude _never_ changes, could you spend the rest of your life with a guy who occasionally get super involved with women he meets online, misses loan payments rather than carefuly plan for trips, and takes off on a whim to go live somewhere else?

My ex-wife was exactly that way. She'd meet guys online, get obsessed with them for awhile to the point of losing a job, come up with excuses and lies to go meet them, etc. etc. My personal opinion is that it's just another form of addiction. My ex is a pill addict, so being "cross addicted" to the thrill and fantasy of distant relationships is not that big a change.

I am not interested in polygamous relationships. I need the safety and trust of there being only two of us in a relationship, which is one of the reasons I left my ex.

How about you?

Mike
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:12 AM
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Not a guy, but it sounds to me like he loves the rush of new love (the giddy insanity of that first flush) and once that is over and when the real deepening love starts, he goes searching for that buzz again.

Some non-alcoholics are hooked on this too.. so jury is out on whether it's anything to do with the addictive side of his personality.

Put that aside though, because that's him and it is his stuff to deal with. Sounds to me like the push/pull doesn't work for you.. so you are left with a friendship. And as in any friendship, you can voice an opinion but what they do with that is up to them. You may feel the reasons he has given for pursuing this relationship are the wrong reasons.. but they're his reasons.. and the consequences will be his if it fails.

Tx
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:49 AM
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Thank You

Thank you for your replies. No, it is not my decision to 'save' him, but as with all my friendships I believe to tell the truth as I may see it and would expect nothing less in return, should it look like I am doing something harmful to myself.

I hope with my heart that he is listening to his higher power, as I listen to mine.

P.S. Yes it is two recovering alcoholics dating...hence the moving van. LOL
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:39 PM
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No brainer. Definitely squirrely type of RA behavior.
but...you my friend are the one I'm concerned about.
He can haul his butt across the usa and live outta a hefty bag and still think it's rational...I say..good for him. AND for you...because you want to save him from himself.
Don't get all mad but I'd say that Alnon may be a good way to spend a few evenings.
Trust me it helps those of us w/ the instinct to rescue people who keep making bad choices.
Just saying...
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:06 PM
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screams lack of self confidence to me. And certainly classic alcoholic type behavior, with or without the drinking. "Crazy making" stuff.

As a guy, who has lived with an alcoholic for 20+ years, I'd recommend buying yourself nice new Nike or maybe even some made in USA New Balance (if you can find and afford them) running shoes,

AND RUN AWAY.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:29 PM
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LOL L2L
LOL zrx

Hi wondering, I recommend you the book "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty.

Also look up "Evasion personality" in Google, I believe some people got so much pain inside they live in evasion: alcohol, drugs, women/men, videogames, food, gambling, all of the above..

My therapist has treated many addicts and she tells me AA for instance is for control and "maintenance" but real change only comes with therapy. Thus people can get sober but still have underlying issues (I think they call them "dry drunks") and often move on to other addictions like "relationships" -if you can call them that- or videogames or gambling or food... for her, addictions we can see in real life are just symptoms.

Might I gently suggest for you to go to a doc and check for STDs/HIV? just in case. Better safe than sorry.
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:26 PM
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Thank you very much...yes I have thought about that too. A dr's appointment is in order.

Again, thank you.
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:28 PM
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Not mad at all, great advice....I do have that problem...wanting to help more than I should.

Thanks
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Old 02-28-2011, 08:12 PM
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It's a huge problem that you are involving yourself in this. Huge. It is none of your business. None. Stay out of it.

Now go to Alanon and get counseling before you replicate this with another man.

Good luck!

Cyranoak
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Old 03-01-2011, 10:29 AM
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Yeah.
I like the run away concept. I like the, "it's none of your business" concept.

I'm also hearing a few other things in your post and it sounds like you're struggling with someone elses decisions. There's a great book that I'm reading. You may find it interesting and it may apply to more than just this situation.
Codependent No more - Melody Beattie

I'm a guy.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:12 PM
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Cyranoak...I hope that you find peace. I have read some of your other posts, and may I respectfully request that you really THINK before you reply.

I was asking for advice, not rudeness. You could only hope to have a friend like myself, because whether my friends are male or female they are treated the same and I expect the same in return. Whether it be good or not so good.

Regards,
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:37 PM
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Here is my take on your situation... the post to me says much more about you than him. Who knows why he is doing what he is doing, could be a billion reasons... the rush of new love, instant gratification, boredom, etc.

I watch my dearest and closest friends get in relationships that I know are bad for them and just sit by. Because it is their life to live and the only way some people learn is through mistakes. If they ask me for advice, I give I never presume I know better than they do about how to live their life.

So as for you, you started out saying that you had a relationship with this man, not "I have this friend that...". You talked about the relationship, the push/pull, how you were hurt. So you settled for a friendship. You still have feelings for him and that is evident. If so, it must be painful to see him involved with others on a deeper level. If it weren't, maybe cyranoaks response wouldn't have triggered a reaction. This is a sensitive subject for you.

What most are saying is it is about looking at yourself and focusing on your life and making yourself happy. If what he is doing is causing you pain or frustration then maybe there are deeper motives in wanting to 'keep track' of his love life.

Maybe because I just sit and watch my friends make the same mistakes over and over but I still support them and unless the guy is abusive or a con-artist, I basically do mind my own business. I wouldn't want them to analyze my love life (heaven forbid) or get preoccupied with it, would you?

Hope some of this helps.
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:46 PM
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I live in fear that one day Cyranoak will post a brutally honest reply to one of my posts. I know it will probably be the kick in the a** I need to hear. Some people send hugs and support that envelope us and give us strength to walk away. Others give us the slap in the face we need to snap out of it. The delivery is different but the message and the intent is the same. Save Yourself, Focus on you, You can't fix them. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to save them if they don't want to be saved.
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:57 AM
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I used to spend a lot of time and energy worrying about people I cared about and trying to make them see the light (some as recently as a few weeks ago!) I am trying to let go of my need to be right and let them make their own decisions.

I get to make my decisions for my life, and other people have the right to make theirs without interference from me.

And if acknowledging my friends' autonomy weren't enough reason to stay out of it, the pain and drama that always ensues from my good-hearted efforts reinforces the benefit of allowing others their own recovery.

It only hurts ME when I get involved in someone else's business. And I am becoming much too self-protective to put myself through any more voluntary heartache.
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:19 AM
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Some people send hugs and support that envelope us and give us strength to walk away. Others give us the slap in the face we need to snap out of it. The delivery is different but the message and the intent is the same.
When we ask for advice here, we'll get it. Whether we take it or not is up to us.
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