Mambo Queen

My XAH was bailed out of jail by his sister, who did not offer him a place to stay but instead offered him his last paycheck, which he used to pay bail, pay for a motel for a week, and drinking. His court date is Tuesday. I don't know what happens after that.

Here's a bit I left out of my last post...when he was sober, for a while he was working two jobs. One was full commission, the other was a pretty sweet gig writing test questions for an internet test prep company. As a teacher, that last gig was right up my alley, and I was always leery of his full commission job because those have never seemed to work out for him--a combo of the jobs being crappy and his own crappy work ethic, mostly.

I didn't want him to lose the test prep job and got overinvolved. It became clear, again when he was sober, that he didn't have the time or the mental energy to do both. But the commission job was giving him use of a computer, which he needed to do the other job. So...I stepped in. I helped him with the test prep job. I did about half the work for him, and he was supposed to give me half the paycheck in return. Can you guess what happened?

He quit the commission job...no more computer. He got arrested...no way to write the test questions. Because I'd already been helping him, and because I can't seem to let this last bit of enabling go, I have been finishing his Feb. assignments for him. I'm going to go ahead and finish them, because neither of us will get paid otherwise, but I know I'm kidding myself. I know I'm doing it so a. he has some money coming in he wouldn't have otherwise and b. he has a job in place if he decides he wants to join the real world again.

The thing is, after Tuesday, he's out of money, out of options, yet again. Sisters won't take him in anymore. He can't go back to sober living until he's been sober for 30 days. He's talked to a friend from rehab since he's been out of the pokey on tuesday...friend said he got him back on the list to go back into the rehab, but it'll be a long while, the list for state-funded patients is long. And I suspect he ain't top of the list, since he just got out of rehab in October.

He'll get a check cut to him from the test prep place in about the second week of March for 1500. Rightly, all the money from this month should be mine since I did all the work (when he wasn't drinking, he did give me my share of the money earned in January). I don't know what he plans to do between his court date on March 1st and receipt of that check. I'm pretty sure he's out of options.

Why does that still scare me so? At least when he was in jail (which I did not and would not have bailed him out of, and it pisses me off that his sister did, especially since she was willing to do that but not take him in, but she'll sure accept my money anytime I offer it to make sure he's not homeless) I knew he had a roof over his head and three squares. I've always been terrified of the thought of him on the streets. Not sure why it still bugs me, but it bugs me less than it used to, so I guess that's progress.

It didn't help that my dd started crying hysterically last night, asking me why me and her dad broke up, sobbing that she wants to live with daddy again. This is something I haven't really experienced before, since she was 3 when we first moved out, and she never really acts that interested in seeing her dad the few times he's sober and she has the chance. I think I did handle it well, I was as honest as I could be with her and protective of her tender feelings without lying to her that things were going to be better with her dad.

I was feeling so proud of myself for not bailing him out of jail, but between this damn job mess, and his impending court date/homelessness, I feel like I'm spiraling again. And I know I should step out of the job thing, but it feels like the only thing I can do right now, I'm good at the job, I can keep it going, and then at least I know every dollar I earn there is another dollar he won't borrow from me...or put more accurately, it's money I wouldn't have had otherwise to help him out some. And I know I shouldn't even give a damn about helping him out at all, but even if he's trying to do the right thing again, sober living costs money. I gave him 400 dollars for a deposit for it back in October when he was fresh out of rehab the first time. At least this way, that 400 won't come out of my pocket if he tries for it again. The check will be sent to the home of the sister that called the cops on him, and I think it can probably be kept away from him until he goes back into a structured environment.

And I'm so pissed at him for screwing up again, and again, and again, and expecting that we're all supposed to still care because he knows its hard for me and for his sister to think of him on the streets.

Thanks for letting me vent. No question really, just wanted to get it out.

TakingCharge999

((((((((Mambo queen))))))))))

I wish I had wisdom to share. I can only say that I have read all your posts since I joined SR. I think you are a very, very special woman, smart, capable, responsible and a very good Mom.

I care a lot about you Mambo Queen. I am thinking of you tonight.

JenT1968

I'm sorry you're feeling caught up in all his drama and poor choices again.

step back? focus on you? I'm not surprised you're tired: all of your energy worrying about him. it doesn't matter what he expects you to do, or what his sister does, or what he does. his job, his paychecks, his rehab, his drinking, his choices: all his. If he magically didn't exist, how would your life be? what problems are really yours to deal with?

how did he get that test writing job for example? put your efforts into getting one by yourself, legitimately instead of bailing his ass out and doing his work for him (how would you view a student of yours doing this?) and then relying on him to do the right thing and share the paycheck. Clearly you can do the job with your eyes shut, cut him out of this equation (there's probably going to be a vacancy VERY SOON where he works).

LexieCat

I think I would let him figure stuff out on his own at this point.

There are shelters where he could stay, all he has to do is ask. I know a guy in one of my home groups who lived in a box on the street (literally) for a short time. He recently celebrated thirteen years of sobriety, has a nice home, wife, and job.

He has his own Higher Power to look out for him--and it ain't you.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is so hard but I am learning that I really have to step away and focus on me. His choices are his and mine are mine. Hugs to you because we have all gotten caught up in the "helping" part of the disease. I like to refer to it as the middle stages of my disease. Since I have started to step away, my mind is starting to get clear. I realize that it is not my job or problem to fix this man or anyone else for that matter.

Go easy on yourself. This is a process and a slow one at that.

:ghug3

barb dwyer

I love the title of this thread.

I had to come see what it was about
because I've said that same sentence
for the last
thirty years

LOL

laurie6781

(((((Mambo Queen)))))

I read your post shortly after you first posted it and I refrained from answering as 1) it was very late, and 2) I am afraid I would have 'ripped you a new one', lol

So with a clearer head, some much need sleep, and having thought about this for a bit, here goes.

I don't believe your problem is 'him' any more. Your problem is you and your 'addiction' to the DRAMA. We 'codies' do become addicted to our A's and the ongoing DRAMA. Ask anyone on here who has been through it and finally worked on themselves and I am sure they will tell you that they too were 'addicted.'

This has been going on for quite some time now, you have given him THOUSANDS of dollars, found him places to stay, now are doing his job for him, etc .................. can you say ENABLING?

And with your enabling you are killing him slowly. Can you PLEASE, PLEASE take your eyes off of him and put them back on you and your child. The ones being hurt are you and your child with the time you spend focused on him.

How about just backing off, finally? Let him sink or swim on his own and stop throwing him the dang life preserver, which is only a band aid. When your child asks about daddy, you can quietly explain, over and over if necessary, that daddy is 'sick' right now and away getting help to get better, and then change the subject to something she likes to talk about.

I am not trying to be mean, but this has been going on now for several years, and I do believe you need a boot in the butt, lol Go read Co Dependent No More, AGAIN. Go to counseling, go to Alanon, block his sister's number, ask those that give you information about 'him' to please stop, you do not want to hear. These are ALL things I have personally had to do for me to get past the hurt and pain of watching a loved one drink themselves to death. In fact am doing it right now with the relationship I just ended 2 months ago.

I realize he is the 'father' of your daughter (maybe right now 'sperm donor' would be a better term as he is not much of a father) but you CANNOT HELP HIM. You know this.

Now, what are you going to do for YOU instead of him to get yourself 'back on track'?

We love you, you know that, I/we hate to see you hurting this way, but we can only share what we had to do for ourselves and then sit back and wait to see if you too can do the same for yourself. Just like you cannot save him, we cannot save you. Just like him, you have to do the work on YOUR OWN RECOVERY.

Posted with lots of love and hugs,

LaTeeDa

I also read this post and didn't respond because I didn't know if there was any way to say the same thing yet again.

But, I figure, if you keep coming back here, with the same problem again and again, maybe you do actually want to hear it again.

I agree with Laurie. This is not about him, it's about you. It's about something in you that makes you believe you have some kind of power to change the outcome of his life. If you don't figure out how to get a handle on that, this story is going to have a very sad ending--for both of you.

Some alcoholics never get sober. They die as a result of their affliction. That's a fact. You cannot change it. But, if you can find a way to accept it, you may be able to move beyond your affliction, which is just as harmful.

L

FindingPeace1

I just wanted to comment on the title.
No one is forcing you to do anything.
You can act strong or not.
You can feel weak or not.
You can do whatever you want.
You can enable your A if you want.

If you want to recover from codependency, it might help to get a sponsor or someone in your life that can support you to take the actions you seem afraid to take.

peace

lillamy

Well... one option would be to contact the test prep company and tell them you've been doing half the work, your XAH doesn't have access to a computer right now, and ask them if they would like to hire you instead. That way, you get the money you earn instead of him.

And then wash your hands of him. He's an adult. He makes his choices, and he has to live with them. You don't have to. And as for your darling little girl, and her broken heart? Remember who broke that heart. It wasn't you.

RollTide

Thanks, Mambo Queen for posting this and thanks Laurie and others for the insightful and caring repllies. I don't post a lot on here but I do read daily and this is exactly what I needed to read this morning and apply to my own life.

fourmaggie

this is well said JEN...to me its all WASTED ENERGY...why are you so caught up in the A?...what is holding you there? you not his mom...get over it already, and detach with LOVE and move on...

brokenheartfool

I think we all learn at our own pace, painful as that sometimes may be. I'm newer to the forum and don't know your history, but I think everyone here should exercise patience with others on the forum.

Perhaps this stint he may be doing in homeless shelters next week, or on park benches, will help him find a bottom.
He will surely appreciate the money you are making for him after some time homeless. He also knows a few hundred bucks sure doesn't go very far long-term.
It is enabling though, which could also help him to avoid his bottom, thus hurting him by helping him?

theuncertainty

I've said the same thing as you posted for your title. A friend who I talk with about XAH and the stunts he pulls tells me, "Your HP will never give you more than you can handle." I've told him on several occasions "Well, I think HP got it wrong this time. I can't do this." My friend repeated his statement and spoke about my need to trust my HP and DS's HP to take care of us.

It was not easy. It was painful. I think great leaps in growth usually are. I used to get horrendous growing pain in my legs as a child during particularly fast growth spurts. Similar progress in emotions, etc., lately, I guess.

I'm still here. So my friend and my HP were right after all. .
Hang in there, MamboQueen. You'll be alright; you already are alright.

transformyself

Hey Girl

Just wanted to offer you some hugs. Pulling back and refocusing on myself at times like these always, always makes me feel better. Gives me a little break from the chaos so I can see clearly.

For me, the struggle to let go of and disengage from others issues and instead work my own program isn't a simple as addicted to drama. It' helped me to go to ACOA meetings, get into therapy and understand the foundation of my dysfunction. Have you done any family of origin therapy?

Growing up in an alcoholic/abusive/neglectful home, I was programed to engage with and try to make sense of the madness generated by my alcoholic parents. It's all I knew and the imprinting is powerful. I mean come on, so many of us here are strong women who struggle with our A's. Over and over again. Why don't we just walk away? What holds us to that madness? For me, it's not an addiction to drama, but rather the powerful affect my programming still holds over me. Only understanding that and acting from a place of compassion has offered me solace.

Breaking that bond of dysfunction is difficult for ACOA folks. Not that I blame my parents, they did the best they could with what they were given, it's just that now it's my job to fix myself. Fix the damage.

Cyranoak

...the problem is that you have not found yours.

You are still all about him. When it becomes about you and your children you may find relief. Until then, keep doing what you are doing the same way you've been doing it, and keep getting the same result because that's exactly what you are going to keep getting.

Maybe, just maybe, it's time to do something different. Start with seeking your own recovery with something more than this board. I suggest Alanon. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

It appears to me you've either never been to an Alanon meeting, or you haven't been in a long, long, long time.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Mambo Queen

Thank you to everyone for the replies; they really do help me. Even the ones that may be more "harsh". Even the ones that are repetitive of past advice.

I do feel like I have gotten better. After I have divorced him, I have gone no contact last fall when I knew he was gonna be out of money/place to stay; I have hung up the phone on him when he asked me to bail him out of jail. In between those two incidents, he went to rehab, then sober living. He got a job, he was participating in his daughter's life. He was beginning to pay me back money. This is what I mean when I say I'm tired of being "forced to be stronger than I feel". I know the right thing to do. I know now about enabling and detaching. I still find it difficult in practice, but I do it. I just wish I didn't have to do it so much; I wish he would just be a baseline OK. I know I'm proably never going to get that wish, and I accept that. But that doesn't mean I like it.

As for myself, I have been in therapy for two years now. I have attended Al-Anon, although not as regularly. I have read many self-help books, including Codependent No More. I have the Language of Letting Go, and a Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps, and I've worked through some of the exercises. I have begun meditating. I lost 25 pounds on a new diet and exercise program. I know I am healthier than when I started this journey. And his actions bother me less and less. But they don't bother me none. And sometimes I still make mistakes in my dealings with him. That is why I honestly get somewhat baffled when the advice is simply to work on myself. I have been. I am. It hasn't meant for me that his actions never bother me, or that completely detaching or never enabling has been a snap. Although it has gotten easier, and I feel it will continue to. Until then, I'll probably still make some mistakes and probably still post here.

Today, XAH has a court date. He keeps calling me at work and leaving messages begging me to pick him up after court, and lend him money until he can pick up his check (no more job, but he has two more checks coming). He has been staying in a motel and he's out of cash. I have been refusing his calls. I should have deleted without listening, but I did listen to one message. I have to admit, I'm curious about whether they'll keep him in jail or not. I'm not going to help, but it is hard for me not to. My natural inclination, still, is to give him some money so he has a place to stay until he gets his check. I am not going to do that though. And sometimes I just post on here looking for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Even when I already know that I am...it helps me to hear it from other people.

Thanks again for all the previous replies, and I'd love to hear more.

MyBetterWorld

PLEASE please do not give him any money. He absolutely MUST hit bottom if he is ever going to rise out of this. If you give him money, he won't have learned anything......except that yet again, someone will bail him out at the last minute, every time. It is not fair to you, or him for that matter.

I personally think, let him get fired from the test writing job. Submit an application to the company on your own behalf! You're doing the job anyway........it might as well be yours-along with the paycheck that comes with it!

Stay strong, this really isn't your problem. Once you can let go you will feel so much better, I promise you that! This is why he is your ex, right? Except now, he is your ex but you still carry his problematic ass through everything. If you weren't doing his job for him he would have hit bottom long ago. Personally, I recommend going no contact for a while. He will continue to manipulate you as long as he can. He can't do that if you take yourself out of the equation, and only YOU can do that!

STAY STRONG! STAY ON THIS SITE! GO TO ALANON! DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE, ALONG WITH YOUR CHILD!

Good luck to you and keep posting. We all care.......
M

transformyself

I think you're doing the right thing, and I really appreciate the in-depth disclosure of your situation.