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Betrayed

Old 02-24-2011, 08:45 PM
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Question Betrayed

Hello. As I was searching for info on how to deal with separation from A's, I came across this website. ... after reading some postings, I felt connected and that I was not alone.
I am a single mom with three young children as of Sunday Feb 20, 2011. I have been with ABF for five years and the things I went thru.... I can't find a word or words to describe it.
I was once an ambitious and motivated woman... but with his physical, emotional, and verbal abuse... he turned me into a bitter person towards him. I love him so much because we have three beautiful kids together whom are 4, 2, and 3 months. Of course, I am the only one who has a job. I have been nothing but faithful and loving to this man.
In our 5 year relationship, I can't recall how many chances I gave him and I don't remember how many times he took off from us due to his drinking. I started to realize that he remembers us until he hits rock bottom... in the midst of his time away from us, I would recieve many messages to belittle me... threats of suicide.. etc. I felt that I was in a relationship with two different people... the good him and the bad him.... however, lately, it seems I saw more of the bad him. I don't know where he goes, who he's with, and etc... and of course, he wont ever tell me the truth.
I have discussed his problem with him many times and offered to seek help for him... of course, he was all willing ... but all talk, no action. I have tried to seek assistance from his family whom at first were supportive and they turned sour lately which I learned was from his lies he told about me to them.
On 2/20, I came home from work to him intoxicated after his fourth day back with us. I was devastated because not only was he intoxicated but he sold some of my kid's belongings to his brother without my permission. Of course, he did what he does best... run off. I called his mother to see if they can somehow return some of the sold items and they wudn't speak to me.. then recieved text messages from them not to bother them... that "I am a pathetic excuse for woman"...?????... okay... who is the victim here? I'm only trying to seek help for her son.... All in all, I'm confused and hurt over all this. I know leaving him is the best solution but I don't understand why all this is happening.... Was everything a lie?... How do you choose A over your kids?... Does he even realize what he is putting us through?...
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by robster View Post
All in all, I'm confused and hurt over all this. I know leaving him is the best solution but I don't understand why all this is happening.... Was everything a lie?... How do you choose A over your kids?... Does he even realize what he is putting us through?...
It is happening because he is an alcoholic. They are not rational. They are selfish and self centered. They are delusional. And we are "sick" because we stay with them. We have our own issues too. Was everything a lie? No, not everything. Just a lot of it.

You have to make a choice. Him or not him. It is not him or the kids. Are you planning to leave your kids with someone else and be with him? I didn't think so.

He has no concept of what he is putting you through. In his deluded world, YOU are the problem. He is not the problem.

You have answered your own question. You have stated you know you need to leave. Why do you stay? The Alky fairy is not coming by tonight or any other night and "fixing" this guy. He's a drunk. If you stay with him, the road will be hard. And most of all difficult for your kids.

The path to choose is up to you. No one can choose for you.
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:15 PM
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Hi Robster. Welcome!.
Please see this as another step in getting help.. for YOURSELF!!!

Lies? Well in a sober world you probably know he would love you and your kids to death.
In his alcoholic world YOU will love HIM to death. literally.

As long as he is drinking, you will never be a prioroity. or his kids. or his job. or his debts. or anything or anyone else. ALCOHOL is his primary relationship.
This is a sad fact.

I hope you find some strength to do the right thing for yourself and your children. In strength you will find peace.
Hugs to you
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:25 PM
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I can't write a ling response now, but please keep reading and posting.
Alcoholism is difficult for families.
There is a support group, worlwide, called alanon.
You can search for alanon in your area.
Alanon teaches support and detachment without enabling or losing yourself.

It is not uncommon for the inlaws to b in denial or to scapegoat the significant other. It decreases their pain somehow, and it is not fair.

You do not have to accept the role of scapegoat, you do not have to keep living with alcoholism is your everyday life.
Please keep reading and please search alanon meetings
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:39 PM
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Welcome!!!

There is a lot of good reading in the 'stickies' at the top of this forum.
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
It is not uncommon for the inlaws to b in denial or to scapegoat the significant other. It decreases their pain somehow, and it is not fair.
And this will probably be on the list of the best advice you will get on here. Alot of us have had to deal with the In-law issue. Do not allow them to make you feel guilty and do not wait for them to make an apology or an acknowledgement of what you have dealt with. They will be pissed with you if you leave because THEY will have to deal with it now.
I spent years waiting for this - total waste of time!
dont waste your energy on it. BE SELFISH!! Look after yourself and your children and dont give a flying 'you know what' what anyone else thinks!
keep posting here -lots of support from people who know exactly what you are going through...
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Old 02-25-2011, 02:20 AM
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Originally Posted by robster
How do you choose A over your kids?... Does he even realize what he is putting us through?...
Don't you realize that you are doing the same thing? While he is choosing Alcohol over the children, by choosing to let this guy back into your life, you are choosing the Alcoholic over your children.
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Old 02-25-2011, 02:54 AM
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Welcome to SR! check out the Sticky section, especially "classic reading"

Have you considered the idea of getting therapy for yourself? it has helped me a lot to understand why I chose an alcoholic to be my partner.

3 C's

You can't cure him - or anyone
You didn't cause his problem
You can't control him

Yes, they are Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Unfortunately you can't just get Jekyll. Mr Hyde comes along.

If he stole once he will steal again.



I would say consider those things lost, and get real life support -alanon, therapy, true friends, your family-

Please keep reading and posting.... there is much to learn and much experience, strength and hope.
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Old 02-25-2011, 03:06 AM
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Hi Robster and Welcome to SR,

.. but with his physical, emotional, and verbal abuse... .
My AH (22yrs) has been verbally and emotional abusive to me all our married life and I have always excused this behavior on his drinking alcohol. I was discussing this with my therapist this week and she was talking about how bad behavior can not be blamed on alcohol. It has more to do with a persons morals and values. Not all men who drink are abusive, they control their behaviors and know right from wrong - their own personal values/morals tell them that abusing a woman is not acceptable. All alcohol does is act as an avenue to loosen the drinker to abuse but the abuser only abuses because he lacks values and morals.

I am coming to terms with this, as I know that even if you take the alcohol away from my AH, he will still be a husband with personal values, beliefs that makes him think it acceptable to verbally abuse a woman (his wife). I know now that I certainly dont deserve to be verbally abused and will never accept this behavior again. Since I have started 'calling' him on anything remotely unacceptable, the abuse has stopped.

You will get plenty of great reply's coming along but this was the part of your thread that jumped out at me, as I can relate.

Al-anon, therapy, counseling, reading - please look into ways of healing yourself, abuse removes all your own reasoning, self worth etc and you will definitely need to get healthy again to move forward in a healthy way.
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:21 AM
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Welcome robster! We're glad you found us.

I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning but basically my story is a lot like yours minus the children. This forum was a lifesaver for me as was AlAnon. I highly recommend you find a local meeting and give AlAnon a try.

For me, in the end, it didn't matter how much I loved my now XAH, nothing changed until I changed it. He was and is so deep in his addiction that my love for him and our good life together was not important enough to make him want to change. Life was...in a nutshell...totally insane.

Now I'm working my own program and things are much better. Please keep posting. We're glad you're here.
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Old 02-25-2011, 07:36 AM
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Hi Robster and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There's lots of support to be had here.

Seems to me that you are going to have to protect yourself and your children from your ABF. You mention physical abuse...has it been reported to the police? Have you documents all the events where abuse took place?

IMO, it's time to talk to a few lawyers and get the ball rolling on securing custody and separation. Your ABF sounds unstable and his family will be of no help to you whatsoever.

*hugs* I'm sorry you in this situation, but I'm glad your search lead you here. SR is a great place to be.
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Old 02-25-2011, 09:15 AM
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Robster, not everything you ABF has told you are lies. I'm sure you have had many, many wonderful times together. But he's become an alcoholic with a brain compromised by booze. The man you fell in love with is gone. You didn't cause his problem. You can't fix it

You have already answered your own question. You wrote that you know the best solution is to leave. So, follow your own advice. What are you waiting for?

Yes, being a single mom with three little children will be hard on your for some time but every time this man abuses you, he's abusing your children.
They are living with confusion and fear. You and they deserve better.

Put together a plan and get you and your kids away from this
mess. You are a young woman. Do you really want to spend the next ten or twenty years of your life in misery and destroy your children's spirits in the process?

As for your husband's family, are any alcoholics? If so that ought to tell you something. You don't want end up like them.
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Old 02-25-2011, 09:21 AM
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I would like to say Thank you to all the replies and support. I feel like I'm not alone and beginning to take the steps to move on with my life. As of this morning, I started seeking help for myself such as inquiries on Alanon, counseling, and even ordered the book "why he does that".... I am grateful I have a very supportive family and friends who have been nothing but supporting and encouraging me to live a better life which is without him.
I am looking forward to the path ahead of me of healing and happiness. This website is so great.... It's almost addicting (but in a GOOD WAY)... The sticky notes are so awesome as well... I am still in the process of reading.... Thank you... Keep posting.. *HUGS* to all of you.
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Old 02-25-2011, 09:40 AM
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Good first steps!

Originally Posted by robster View Post
I would like to say Thank you to all the replies and support. I feel like I'm not alone and beginning to take the steps to move on with my life. As of this morning, I started seeking help for myself such as inquiries on Alanon, counseling, and even ordered the book "why he does that".... I am grateful I have a very supportive family and friends who have been nothing but supporting and encouraging me to live a better life which is without him.
I am looking forward to the path ahead of me of healing and happiness. This website is so great.... It's almost addicting (but in a GOOD WAY)... The sticky notes are so awesome as well... I am still in the process of reading.... Thank you... Keep posting.. *HUGS* to all of you.
Good for you! As everyone here has stated - putting yourself and the safety and welfare of your children first and foremost is perfectly reasonable and justifiable, and necessary! Keep reading and keep asking questions. The better educated you are about what you are dealing with, the better your decisions will become.

No one has to live with this in their life - we choose to. And that's where our power is.

Good luck to you, take good care!
~T
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:12 AM
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Robster, I was just going to suggest you read the book "Why Does He DO That? and you have ordered it! YAY! The author, Lundy Bancroft has so much experience with abusive men. He has been counseling abusive men for years and is an advocate of ALL kinds of abuse directed towards women. He counsels men who use substances and men who do not. As Eight Ball said, they are not connected according to Bancroft. Recovery can deal with the alcohol but if he is abusive at his core, it will not cure that. Bancroft says that while alcohol will reduce inhibitions it does not create abusive men. Enjoy the read, it answered so many questions for me. Take Care
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:35 PM
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I felt I need to get this off my chest...so here you go.
I recieved text messages from my ABF this evening but I didn't reply to any of them.
Msg 1: want to see my kids... just to make u happy m gonna die 2nite
Msg 2: u can file child support but u aint gettn s*** from me but me b n dead
Msg 3: Im gonna do wut my mother taught me, leave the crazy woman alone... so *F* off!
Msg 4: Leave all my clothes & tools outside & i pik it up sometime.
Msg5: B****, I can just wipe you away like nothing...

I'm sitting here thinking... WOW... What is that all about?... I really dont want to respond because who knows what else he will say. I know he is getting frustrated becuz I'm not responding. I don't know... I'm really confused and feel like changing my phone number.
Yes, it hurts, but I feel helpless... I can't do anything for him and yet he still thinks of us... and decides to find a way to hurt me....
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:45 PM
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I presume it's a cell phone?
Check with your provider - there may be a way to block his number.
My provider will block up to five numbers for free for 90 days. (If you want them blocked longer than that you just have to resubmit the numbers.) For $5/mo I could block up to 20, including caller-id-blocked numbers, indefinitely if I want.

I'd try that first, before changing your number.


You don't owe him any explanation, and you don't owe him any reply to these messages.
Stay strong. You're not alone.
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:50 PM
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Robster, save these messages. You don't have to respond to any of them. Do you feel safe? (The last message really scares me.) Have you thought about talking to a domestic violence counselor?
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:50 PM
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If you can't block him from calling you ..Then yes. Change your number. These are threats. Save the messages but I wouldn't respond.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:50 PM
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Crazy is as crazy does. He's showing you the person he really is. Alcohol or not.

Keep that man away from your kids.
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