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cirrhosis + regret + shame = more pain for me

Old 02-24-2011, 08:42 PM
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cirrhosis + regret + shame = more pain for me

Hey my SR friends! Havent really checked in here for a while. Been very busy and if I am honest, Im just busy trying to deal with all the stuff going on around me.
But I appreciate you all for your help and comfort, and hope to be more regular here soon to contribute and to help others too!

My update... My SOON TO BE X AH is doing wonderfully! hes not 100% well but hes 100% better then this time last month. does that make sense?
He still has cirrhosis, he will always have that (until a new liver) but like our relationship - some things just cannot be repaired. the damage has been done.
The saddest thing is I see how much he regrets everything (ie; a commercial for a cruise came on the TV, we were supposed to go on it last year with our tax return but he spent $1500 of the tax return in 3 days) just stuff like that.
He is out of the hospital now and I have been visiting him regularly, taking our daughter to visit him, food shopping for him, cooking him his lunches and dinners in advance, hanging out for a little bit, (not every day! Im no martyr!) but I feel so sad and depressed when I am there.
Because now he is 'full time' the person I saw beyond the alcohol. the person that I loved. And it just makes me sad now. he checked out of 'us' for so long and now hes back but i cant love him like that anymore. i feel so depresssed everytime I am in his company. But I am so happy that he is getting/doing better. Oh guys I just cant explain it !
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:03 PM
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It makes good sense to me. My mother has been an RA for many years now, and she has positive changes in temper and behavior. I'm glad for her, and I respect the fact that she has made a tremendous effort to change and better her life. But the problem is this: she wants to "be my mom" again. As in live with me. I love her, but what's passed is passed.

I'm glad that your STBXAH is doing better. It is a shame, but as long as we live we have the capacity to improve our lives. I hope that you both do. :-)
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:08 PM
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Nah, I get it.

I'm so happy he's doing well right now. Happy his little girl can see her daddy not looking like death warmed-over.

Yeah, it's still sad, though, when you realize what a waste it all was. Still, if he gets back to his "old self" maybe you will be lucky enough to have a dear, wonderful friend for life who happens to be your daughter's dad. I'm VERY grateful for the terrific friendship I have with my first husband, who has been sober a very long time. He is probably my closest friend in the world, even though he has remarried and we've both gone on with our lives. I love him but I'm not "in love" and it just works for us. Maybe it will for you, too!

Thanks for checking in with the good news!
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Nah, I get it.

I'm so happy he's doing well right now. Happy his little girl can see her daddy not looking like death warmed-over.

Yeah, it's still sad, though, when you realize what a waste it all was. Still, if he gets back to his "old self" maybe you will be lucky enough to have a dear, wonderful friend for life who happens to be your daughter's dad. I'm VERY grateful for the terrific friendship I have with my first husband, who has been sober a very long time. He is probably my closest friend in the world, even though he has remarried and we've both gone on with our lives. I love him but I'm not "in love" and it just works for us. Maybe it will for you, too!

Thanks for checking in with the good news!
LEXIE I LOVE YOU!
You always say the right stuff without telling people what they just wanna hear. you're a bit special you are!

Anyway I hope you are right, I feel a deep bond with him now, more so then when we were a couple even. its kinda crazy. I guess I have spent so much time grieving other stuff, I forgot to grieve the end of my marriage. Its funny how the things we wish most for can still be so painful.
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by doozy View Post
It makes good sense to me. My mother has been an RA for many years now, and she has positive changes in temper and behavior. I'm glad for her, and I respect the fact that she has made a tremendous effort to change and better her life. But the problem is this: she wants to "be my mom" again. As in live with me. I love her, but what's passed is passed.

I'm glad that your STBXAH is doing better. It is a shame, but as long as we live we have the capacity to improve our lives. I hope that you both do. :-)
Do you think she understands why you cant just have this mother daughter relationship all of a sudden? I think he knows why we cant go back... but do they really?

I did come up with this great analogy in an earlier thread. I likened alcoholism to a hurricane (nothing new there) but when the hurricane was gone (hello sobriety) and all was left was rubble (emotional damage), you just didnt WANT to rebuild a new house (start again) you just wanted to relocate AND GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE!
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Old 02-25-2011, 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by MissGuided View Post
Do you think she understands why you cant just have this mother daughter relationship all of a sudden? I think he knows why we cant go back... but do they really?

I did come up with this great analogy in an earlier thread. I likened alcoholism to a hurricane (nothing new there) but when the hurricane was gone (hello sobriety) and all was left was rubble (emotional damage), you just didnt WANT to rebuild a new house (start again) you just wanted to relocate AND GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE!
I know in the case of my mom, she doesn't understand. I'm an adult now, and there aren't any "redo's." I'm just hoping to go forward I do hope that one day she will understand the reality, even if she never quite gets to the why...
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:07 AM
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The analogy to a hurricane is BRILLIANT! makes tons of sense to me!
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Old 02-25-2011, 07:06 AM
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I understand. While my situation is much less intense it is similar. My xah just got out of a rehab. He sounds good. I have no idea if it will stick. It is a new level of grief or sadness though. It would be really hard if I was involved with him at the level you are. It is sadness at what could have been, what wasn't. A deep sadness for a glimpse of the dream that I held for so long...that is now dead and buried. Maybe it is the same old thing - sadness for a dream that I couldn't make happen.

You are such a good person. I hope his recovery sticks and I hope you get a friend out of it.
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:53 AM
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My parents separated when I was 5. They stayed friends and we spent every holiday together and our birthdays (the kids) my whole childhood. We still get together for holidays! It was hard, sure, but that friendship they had was wonderful for us growing up! Hooray for you!
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:45 AM
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Good to here from you MG.. Glad everything is going better than a month ago. God is great!
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