Why does he do that?
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Why does he do that?
I've finally bought a copy of Lundy Banroft's 'why does he do that' - a year and a half after my divorce. I'm about a quarter of the way through it and I'm finding out so much about my marriage and my childhood. It is giving me a whole new perspective.
Does anyone else have the book? Want to do a book club type thing on the forum about it?
Does anyone else have the book? Want to do a book club type thing on the forum about it?
Last edited by bookwyrm; 02-24-2011 at 05:47 AM. Reason: 'have' is not spelled with a 'w'
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I read this book all the way through in about a 24 hour timespan, I could not put it down.
I'm struggling through "Codependent No More" (I think if I can't at least finish my current chapter tonight it's time to put it down for awhile). It was used as a weapon, so I am having a hard time of it.
Perhaps another trip through "Why Does He Do That?" will untangle some of it.
I'm struggling through "Codependent No More" (I think if I can't at least finish my current chapter tonight it's time to put it down for awhile). It was used as a weapon, so I am having a hard time of it.
Perhaps another trip through "Why Does He Do That?" will untangle some of it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 71
Yay! A new book suggestion! I'll do a book club thingee.
I was looking at the books on my Kindle the other day, and its ridiculous how many are alcohol/relationship based! I've been reading everything I can get my hands on! One more can't hurt, right?
I was looking at the books on my Kindle the other day, and its ridiculous how many are alcohol/relationship based! I've been reading everything I can get my hands on! One more can't hurt, right?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 70
I would love to be part of this! I haven't read the book yet, but it is next on my list. I just started CoDependant No More and will be getting this book VERY soon. I feel like I've been so CLUELESS and I'm learning so much from SR. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
That book helped me in so many ways. It nailed down exactly what my exah was doing, and then some. It made such a difference in my life, and helped me detach from him, as I otherwise could not have done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 39
I also read this book in basically one sitting. Like someone else mentioned, it allowed me to see how purposefully his behavior was and helped me stop excusing his treatment of me. My friends are so sick of me referencing the book in every conversation, but it was just that helpful to me. More than anything the revelation that I was merely a possession to him helped me explain so many dynamics in our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I was given the first 3 chapters of this book as a photocopy when I was in DV counseling and immediately went out and bought the book at full list price - something a bookophile like me NEVER does. It is a brilliant book written by someone who knows what they are are talking about. Mr. Bancroft has worked with abusers for years and years. He is not just a self-appointed expert - he speaks from experience.
A book anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship should read.
A book anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship should read.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
I just googled this book and read a little sample of it...WOW, pretty scary stuff and it fits him in almost every way. Correct me if I am wrong, but the example part I read was about "Understanding the Batterer in custody and visitation disputes"
The whole thing made me just want to cry. I am just so afraid/fear/anxiety of the abuse that could go on if he was granted UNsupervised visits. He hasn't done anything to my knowledge except the verbal stuff to the kids. Okay well anyways, I want to be apart of this and I ordered it on Ebay just now.
Where persuasive evidence of a history of domestic abuse is present, risk to the children
from unsupervised visitation can be best assessed by examining:
* the abuser's history of directly abusive or irresponsible behavior towards the children
* his level of psychological cruelty towards the victim
* his level of willingness to hurt the children as a deliberate or incidental aspect of hurting the
mother (such as throwing things at her with the children nearby, being mean or deliberately risktaking
to the children when angry at her, failing to pay child support that he has resources for)
* his level of manipulativeness towards family members
* his level of selfishness and self-centeredness towards family members, including expectations
that the children should meet his needs
* whether he has been violent or physically frightening in front of the children
* whether he has been verbally degrading to his partner in front of the children
* the severity or frequency of his physical violence and threats, including threats to hurt himself
* his history of sexual assaults against the mother, which are linked to increased risk of sexual
abuse of the children and increased physical danger
* his history of boundary violations towards the children
* his substance abuse history
15
* the level of coercive control he exercises over his partner and children
* his level of entitlement (attitude that his violence was justified, expectation that his needs
should always be catered to, seeing the children as personal possessions)
* the extent of his past under-involvement with the children (e.g. failing to know basic
information such as the child's birth date, names of pediatricians or school teachers, or basic
routines of the children's daily care)
* his level of refusal to accept the end of the relationship
* his level of refusal to accept mother's new partner being in the children's lives
* his level of refusal to accept responsibility for past abusive actions (including continued
insistence that relationship was more or less equally and mutually destructive, continued
insistence that his violence was provoked, continued minimization)
* his level of escalation
* his level of inability to put the children's needs ahead of his own and to leave them out of
conflicts with his partner
* the ages and genders of the children (younger children may be more vulnerable to physical or
psychological abuse, female children are at somewhat higher risk for sexual abuse)
Notice that the level of the abuser's physical violence and the pervasiveness of his control
are important factors, but are only two among many that have to be evaluated. Risk of sexual
abuse, for example, is better predicted through entitlement and self-centeredness, history of
boundary violations, level of manipulativeness, and sexual assaults against the partner.
Information from psychological evaluations or testing is limited in its ability to assess danger, but
can point to additional issues that need to be addressed.
The whole thing made me just want to cry. I am just so afraid/fear/anxiety of the abuse that could go on if he was granted UNsupervised visits. He hasn't done anything to my knowledge except the verbal stuff to the kids. Okay well anyways, I want to be apart of this and I ordered it on Ebay just now.
Where persuasive evidence of a history of domestic abuse is present, risk to the children
from unsupervised visitation can be best assessed by examining:
* the abuser's history of directly abusive or irresponsible behavior towards the children
* his level of psychological cruelty towards the victim
* his level of willingness to hurt the children as a deliberate or incidental aspect of hurting the
mother (such as throwing things at her with the children nearby, being mean or deliberately risktaking
to the children when angry at her, failing to pay child support that he has resources for)
* his level of manipulativeness towards family members
* his level of selfishness and self-centeredness towards family members, including expectations
that the children should meet his needs
* whether he has been violent or physically frightening in front of the children
* whether he has been verbally degrading to his partner in front of the children
* the severity or frequency of his physical violence and threats, including threats to hurt himself
* his history of sexual assaults against the mother, which are linked to increased risk of sexual
abuse of the children and increased physical danger
* his history of boundary violations towards the children
* his substance abuse history
15
* the level of coercive control he exercises over his partner and children
* his level of entitlement (attitude that his violence was justified, expectation that his needs
should always be catered to, seeing the children as personal possessions)
* the extent of his past under-involvement with the children (e.g. failing to know basic
information such as the child's birth date, names of pediatricians or school teachers, or basic
routines of the children's daily care)
* his level of refusal to accept the end of the relationship
* his level of refusal to accept mother's new partner being in the children's lives
* his level of refusal to accept responsibility for past abusive actions (including continued
insistence that relationship was more or less equally and mutually destructive, continued
insistence that his violence was provoked, continued minimization)
* his level of escalation
* his level of inability to put the children's needs ahead of his own and to leave them out of
conflicts with his partner
* the ages and genders of the children (younger children may be more vulnerable to physical or
psychological abuse, female children are at somewhat higher risk for sexual abuse)
Notice that the level of the abuser's physical violence and the pervasiveness of his control
are important factors, but are only two among many that have to be evaluated. Risk of sexual
abuse, for example, is better predicted through entitlement and self-centeredness, history of
boundary violations, level of manipulativeness, and sexual assaults against the partner.
Information from psychological evaluations or testing is limited in its ability to assess danger, but
can point to additional issues that need to be addressed.
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I haven't read it all but so far I can see my XAH and my father with glimpses of my mother, my brother and, shamefully, me in the descriptions and stories. I think this book will help anyone who has lived with abuse - verbal, emotional and/or physical.
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