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How do you feel about using alcohol now?

Old 02-23-2011, 01:01 PM
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How do you feel about using alcohol now?

Bad way of putting it, I guess. But I wonder how F&F of As feel about drinking themselves once they've been through the ringer with an alcoholic.

At first I was grumpy about having to give up my occasional glass of wine (because I thought quitting would be a good way of supporting my A), but now I can barely pass the aisle at the grocery store without curling my lip, considering the harm it's done in my life.

Just curious if what I'm feeling is normal.
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:13 PM
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I pretty much quit drinking at the end of my marriage too.

Today I will have a drink socially if I'm out, at home if I have company, or if I go out to eat with adults. I do not drink just to relax in the evening or when just hanging with my kids (like when BBQ'ing in the summer or spending time at the river or something). I have done those things before but have decided not to. Not necessary and I want to be an example that daily alcohol is not necessary/normal - especially since they probably can't produce a memory of their dad without a beer at his side.

I also think alcoholism can creep up on a person sometimes. If I sat down every night I felt stressed or lonely or even happy and had a drink before bed....well that seems like a poor plan.

I can tell you that other people's buzz freaks me out a little. I participated in a community volunteer project this fall and beer was part of the deal. Two or three people drank to much (not falling down drunk but to much) and it made me really uneasy and nervous - for them and their wives/gf's. I never gave that kind of stuff a second thought before.
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:16 PM
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I absolutley view alcohol in a different light having been married to an alcoholic. I did my fair shair of drinking growing up and drank socially as I got older. But when you see it totally suck the life force out of someone and slowly kill them, it is a stark reminder of just how evil it can be. I still drink, but rarely. This may change over time as I am still in the thick of things with my STBXAW. My big thing is setting the right example for my kids. Plus I have lost weight since I don't drink much anymore!
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:34 PM
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I never cared for the taste of alcohol, so my opinion on drinking it myself hasn't changed. I did try a glass of wine over the weekend with a friend, it was milder than most but still I didn't care for the taste.

I do not mind being around other people drinking in moderation. I went to visit my aunt and uncle, who each had two martinis before dinner and a glass of wine each at dinner - and I would have thought I would freak out but it didn't bother me. I believe they were rather weak martinis, as well, since neither of them looked even remotely "buzzed" or tipsy, so I was not uncomfortable.

I will confess that, even though XABF was a private drinker and rarely had anything in a bar (and when he did, two shots of whiskey was his limit), I am terrified of being in a bar with drinking people. I don't mind going with a non-drinking group if the food is good and we're not seated near the bar (I have done that before, and enjoyed it), but I can't be near drunk people, or partially drunk people, or anything of the sort.
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:53 PM
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Hi Florence,

It's entirely your decision. If you are not an alcoholic and you want a glass of wine, have a glass of wine. If not, not. Their disease should not dictate our behavior, and if it does that is a symptom of our codependency.

That's not to say we throw it in their face. I share a home with my wife who is an alcoholic so we have no alcohol in the house. If I want to have a beer, I go have one at a bar or with buddies, or in the garage while I'm working on a car or bike.

When we are out more often than not I don't drink, but if I feel like a beer I have one. I try to balance consideration for her as the woman I love, with my own recovery from my disease of codependency. I'm sure I don't always do this perfectly, but that's the goal.

The one thing I know is that if I allow her behavior, or my need to control and protect her, to dictate my own behavior, then that's a big problem. My big problem-- not hers.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 02-23-2011, 02:06 PM
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My attitude to alcohol hasn't changed per se. I have a 'respect' for it. I'm not anti, nor am I pro. I am not alcoholic nor likely to be (getting roaring drunk every day and hungover the next, does not appeal to me as a choice).. so I don't feel awkward or triggered around people who are drinking.

I'm a non-addictive personality and grew up in a atmosphere that a good wine over dinner, for example, is to be appreciated (pretty european really) and that intoxication was not the aim.

I now know, however, that the effects for some can be destructive. My problem drinking radar has become more honed and I do avoid people who, to me, look like abusers rather than users.

Tx
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Old 02-23-2011, 02:36 PM
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I carry a lot of resentment towards alcohol. I know it's not rational but my ADP comes from a big, fairly close knit family and they all know he's a drunk and yet, when he asks what he can bring to a get-together, he was asked to bring wine (I guess they figured he'd be at the liquor store anyway). That really really made me angry. I avoid these gatherings usually because I feel like they have left his problem for me and want no part of it. I guess they've learned to detach, I'm still working on that.
I also have hard to control anger at liquor stores in general, and when a law was passed in my state to allow them to be open on Sundays, I became very depressed about it. It was like there was ONE day in the week that I, and others who lived with A's might get a break and that was taken away.
Like I said, I know it's not rational.
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:11 PM
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I did my time of "partying with the girls" and that was back then BUT I grew up

I love my gin and 7 for my social drink...
its a disease in my family but lucky for me that i dont have it...just more compassion
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:21 PM
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I"m with tellulah. I don't have resentment toward alcohol but also don't suffer fools.

I'm more concerned with this
Just curious if what I'm feeling is normal.
because I believe whatever arises within me is "normal." It's what I do with it, my choices, that I have control over.

Well, I actually feel grateful and lucky when I have control over my choices. It takes a lot of work for me though.
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Old 02-23-2011, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
I can barely pass the aisle at the grocery store without curling my lip, considering the harm it's done in my life.

Just curious if what I'm feeling is normal.
I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I feel the same way. I understand your snarling at the alcohol supermarket displays. I'd like to take a baseball bat to them myself.

I've never been a big drinker. I do occasionally have one mixed drink when I go someplace that serves alcohol. That means I have two alcoholic drinks in six months to a year. And, it better be a yummy tasting concoction.

My AH is an active drinker. If he quit drinking tomorrow, I'd declare my house an Alcohol Free Zone. I'd put the sign right under the No Smoking sign. AH and I both quit smoking about three years ago.
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Old 02-23-2011, 06:22 PM
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This experience with my AH has definitely impacted my interaction with alcohol. I have a hard time enjoying it now, and I could literally live the rest of my life without drinking a drop of thet stuff.
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Old 02-23-2011, 07:38 PM
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I came to SR because my son was addicted to drugs. I was married to his father from 1980 to 1996. We were married for 10 years before having kids and we partied quite a bit. I slowed WAY down on the drinking after kids came along....he did not. His alcoholic rages and firm denial resulted in our divorce.

So yeah, I've been known to abuse alcohol - especially in my 20's (I'm 52 now). When I came to SR I took a hard look at my drinking habits and didn't like what I saw... I was probably drinking an average of 15 units per week and because of the research I've done here and elsewhere I realize that is WAY too much...and I didn't like drinking as much anymore either. So, my drinking is now reduced to about 2 units a week at most and I'm good with that.

Many times I feel like I dodged a bullet....and that is another reason I am eternally grateful for my experience her on SR and the people who share here.
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Old 02-23-2011, 08:40 PM
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I almost never drink. I enjoy 1 mixed drink, now and again. I don't like feeling out of it (aka drunk), I will NEVER be hungover again, and it generally just makes me sleepy.
The other day my girlfriends were over and I bought the makings for margaritas.
At the age of 37, I think I have bought tequila once before! LOL!
We had margaritas (I had one) and ever since the bottle has been sitting in my house.
Number one, it is gigantic (it was the only size they had) and I feel weird about how MUCH alcohol is there.
Number two, I feel weird and awkward about it. Probably because I have so much yuck feelings around it regarding my AH and it makes me feel like a hypocrite (although we don't live together and I know I'm not an A).
I guess I'll just put it away (for months and months, no doubt) till the next time it is appropriate to make up a margarita.
I probably would enjoy a margarita without the alcohol at all just as much.
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Old 02-23-2011, 09:00 PM
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I've struggled with this question a lot.
I drank heavily with xah for several years, then scaled way back to acceptable.
For awhile, I would get a drink and then smell it and not be able to drink it, so I quit entirely.
Now after many months I am ok with having a drink or two, and am not repulsed by the idea, although it still crosses my mind.
I know alcohol ruined my marriage but he has never said so, and he may never get to that point that he realizes it affected me and our ability to communicate extremely.
I will never get drunk again, or drink enough to have a hangover, or drink enough to start talking shyte.
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:34 AM
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Interesting to read some of these responses.

I was your typical college partier and I got into plenty of trouble because of booze. I had the opportunity to work for one of those hip places that had kegs in the building and Friday was typically a big party day in the office. In time, I took interest in brewing my own beer. This was my primary hobby and most of my friends and neighbors came over when I was brewing to drink beers with me and learn. I learned how to make wine, ciders, meads, etc. I still have wine and mead fermenting but i have not brewed for several years now.

I really enjoyed the process and became pretty good at it. I got married, had a kid and life got pretty complicated. I really don't have an interest in it anymore because I don't have the time and I have an AW. Any drinking I might do would be with my friends in a social setting. If I have more than 5 drinks over a month time, that would be unusual.
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Old 02-24-2011, 10:26 AM
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I drank with my AH in the beginning. Mostly when we bbq'd (every saturday).

About 3-4 months in, he became violent towards me. I confronted him about it and he convinced me I caused it because I was aggressive/obnoxious or some crap when I drank.

Somewhere inside me, I thought this is not right. Looking back, I can see that he was simultaneously manipulating and degrading me from early on, so I was doubting my own thoughts about everything.

So, I quit drinking. If I am the problem, this will go away. Guess what? It didn't.

After I quit drinking, he began to push it on me. Ordering me margaritas, when I had just stated quite clearly, "unsweet tea, please".

By the end, I was repulsed by the thought of any liquor at all. I believed I would never drink again.

I have been gone about 6 weeks now. I had a corona the other night and it was okay.

I didn't feel near the repulsion, I thought I would carry for the rest of my life.

I can enjoy one if I want, or not.

At the grocery store, however, I do avoid the aisle though, still. It brings back bad feelings.

I used to haul 3 cases a week out of there all at one time. He was embarrassed to go with me. If he did, he would insist we only get a 12 pack.

I did it on purpose. I thought him seeing how much he drinks a week would wake him up........HA.

Seems like the embarrassment he felt would have touched something inside him?

I guess he was too "numb" to feel it.
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Old 02-24-2011, 12:41 PM
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I still have my "pint" (sounds more classy saying it that way than a beer!) in the evening after work. But I've had the same concerns and found myself asking people, "Am I drinking alcoholically?" in which people would smirk and remind me I am not the alcoholic, he is.

He also used to say I was violent when I drank. So I quit drinking for a while. But then I was just crazy. Which by then, I probably was! : )

The difference between me and my RAH is I can make a 6 pack last 6+ days. In my house today there are two unopened bottles of wine, one unopened bottle of rum, and one unopened bottle of cognac - all not touched in the 2 months I have lived here (they are my Mom's; she doesn't drink much either). As a matter of fact, they probably need a dusting!

In my house with the RAH, alcohol didn't last long. He even drank my raspberry liquor I used for a blueberry cake recipe. Yuck! That stuff is like bad cough syrup.

When he began AA, he decided I needed to go, too. I am now beginning to realize he may not have been aware that HE was the one drinking all the alcohol. He may actually think I was drinking when in fact, it was him. Alcohol is so distorting to the brain...it wouldn't surprise me if he couldn't grasp how much he drank so it was easier to think it was me.

Anyway - good thread. I do feel uncomfortable drinking but I just love a good stout. As long as he's not around, I have no qualms having one.
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Old 02-24-2011, 01:18 PM
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I like wine, I always have done. But I don't drink it to excess. I do however drink it in front of the kids, just the one glass from time to time, maybe two on birthdays and Christmas.
I don't want my kids, and Joe to think it's either something you do constantly or never at all or in secret! I don't want them to be scared or mystified by it, I'd like them to use it in a sensible healthy way if they're ever going to use it at all, and I'd like them to know it can be enjoyable if they don't abuse it.
I guess they'll go their own ways whatever I do, but I can try to set a good example!
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Old 02-24-2011, 02:09 PM
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I don't drink at home ever anymore, and hardly at all when I am out (and I am rarely out!). I have seen what it did to my husband and am terrified it might happen to me. Then who would take care of my kids?!
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Old 02-24-2011, 05:14 PM
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Gladly I now feel the same I did before meeting an alkie, once in a while...
Cyranoak has a point, whatever you choose, choose it for you...... make it your decision...

I almost never drink, I appreciate clarity of mind. And I stay away from bars most of the time, unless I am invited by trusted friends (like tonight!). But its always one drink and many times I don't even finish it.... and yes I feel for anyone who is around a heavy drinker. In a wedding months ago one man got SUPER drunk and I could see how everyone around "laughed with him" but were secretly worried/annoyed.

I was so glad I didn't have anything to do with him. Sad. I also tend to notice the ones that are too thin and got red noses. But, I can't cure them.
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