Could use some support...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Could use some support...
We had an enormous fight, that dragged on for days. He hadn't been drinking, just ... emotionally jabbing at me, and I bought into it completely. Stupid, astonishing things came out of my mouth, and it's taken us more days to come around.
Hours after a tenuous stable ground was reached, where he said he wanted to be my lifetime partner, he got drunk; and in ways that violated my boundaries. Again.
So, I am going to say this: "I love you, and I want to be with you. Your alcoholism hurts me, and if you continue to drink without trying to stop, I will move out. If you try to stop, I'll stay, and we'll work on the important partnership we both want."
I am no longer willing to live with an active alcoholic. I just need to keep repeating that truth to myself, and to him. Today.
I'm going to the noon Al-Anon meeting. I'm going to talk to him tonight. Hold my hand, okay?
Thank you!
- Sylvie
Hours after a tenuous stable ground was reached, where he said he wanted to be my lifetime partner, he got drunk; and in ways that violated my boundaries. Again.
So, I am going to say this: "I love you, and I want to be with you. Your alcoholism hurts me, and if you continue to drink without trying to stop, I will move out. If you try to stop, I'll stay, and we'll work on the important partnership we both want."
I am no longer willing to live with an active alcoholic. I just need to keep repeating that truth to myself, and to him. Today.
I'm going to the noon Al-Anon meeting. I'm going to talk to him tonight. Hold my hand, okay?
Thank you!
- Sylvie
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((Sylvie))) I'm sorry you have had a rough couple of days.....
Sounds like he worked to instigate a fight so that he could have an excuse to drink. So glad you are going to an Al-Anon meeting.
I hope things improve soon!
HG
Sounds like he worked to instigate a fight so that he could have an excuse to drink. So glad you are going to an Al-Anon meeting.
I hope things improve soon!
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Thank you! I went to the surprisingly large noon meeting ~ I'm so glad I went! And I plan on going next week too.
When I called ABF this morning, and told him of my decision, and the reasons, he promised to stop drinking, and to get help if he needed it. As gently as possible, I said, 'You've already promised that, and nothing changed. Actions speak louder than words.'
I don't really know what will happen next. What are my parameters for him trying to quit? What if he stops drinking, but keeps up the emotional jabs? What if he quits, and then gets drunk? Do I leave after one binge or three? I just don't know, and it's maddening. I really need to think this out. What particular behaviors bug me the most? Why? How often would they have to occur for me leave? The whole thing is unacceptable to me, and yet I've stayed, thereby making it ALL acceptable. Gah. I'm going around in circles.
I had a moment of clarity there. It'll come back.
- Sylvie
When I called ABF this morning, and told him of my decision, and the reasons, he promised to stop drinking, and to get help if he needed it. As gently as possible, I said, 'You've already promised that, and nothing changed. Actions speak louder than words.'
I don't really know what will happen next. What are my parameters for him trying to quit? What if he stops drinking, but keeps up the emotional jabs? What if he quits, and then gets drunk? Do I leave after one binge or three? I just don't know, and it's maddening. I really need to think this out. What particular behaviors bug me the most? Why? How often would they have to occur for me leave? The whole thing is unacceptable to me, and yet I've stayed, thereby making it ALL acceptable. Gah. I'm going around in circles.
I had a moment of clarity there. It'll come back.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 71
Hi Sylvie, I'm having trouble with boundaries tonight too. My AH is "trying" to stop and was sober for a little over a week before he started drinking again. I'm not sure where to go from here. What level of "trying" is sufficient if he continues to drink? Ugh! Can't win!
If you find some clarity, please share it!
If you find some clarity, please share it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief?
Just because he stops drinking (or "is trying" to stop drinking) won't make him a nicer person or a better partner.
I would stop trying to define your boundaries according to him and his behaviour and look at what you need. Do you want to be treated with respect? I imagine so. Then a boundary of yours could be: if you treat me with disrespect, I will leave your presence. Or, a boundary could be: If you have been drinking, I refuse to be in your presence.
It will without a doubt cause a stir between you two, because so far, you've taught him that you're willing to overlook your own boundaries, no matter what he does. Eventually though, the dynamic will shift.
Just because he stops drinking (or "is trying" to stop drinking) won't make him a nicer person or a better partner.
I would stop trying to define your boundaries according to him and his behaviour and look at what you need. Do you want to be treated with respect? I imagine so. Then a boundary of yours could be: if you treat me with disrespect, I will leave your presence. Or, a boundary could be: If you have been drinking, I refuse to be in your presence.
It will without a doubt cause a stir between you two, because so far, you've taught him that you're willing to overlook your own boundaries, no matter what he does. Eventually though, the dynamic will shift.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Thank you all again. This is an update, since I was so scattered the last time I wrote. Instead of analyzing the what-ifs and my emotional responses, I did something tangible - I applied for pre-qualification for a mortgage. And got it. :day6
I feel so liberated by having this paper! I could walk, it'll be okay. There are small fixer-uppers in my loan range, even around here. So it doesn't matter what he does, I'll be secure, and my kids will be safe.
- Sylvie
I feel so liberated by having this paper! I could walk, it'll be okay. There are small fixer-uppers in my loan range, even around here. So it doesn't matter what he does, I'll be secure, and my kids will be safe.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I say RUN
I'm not even thinking of you, I'm thinking of your kids.
The stats. are staggering when you look at them. The odds of your kids either becoming an A or marrying an A are CRAZY HIGH if you stay w/ this guy.
Your not married to him so GO! Save your kids....save yourself.
Then go to Alnon and see why you decided this guy was the right one for you ..so the next one won't be a carbon copy.
As for the boundaries.
Only you can decide what is 'okay' for you.
some people say 'drink again and your gone' and mean it. Others say drink again and your gone and their A knows that isn't quite the truth...they will stay and take it again and again. It's about setting the boundary and backing it up.
don't say it if you don't mean it or can't do it.
I have the 'you drink and your gone' boundary. My RAH knows I mean it. So while he'll do everything else under the sun to make me bonkers...he won't (or hasn't YET) touched alcohol. Of course it IS a disease...so that has to be considered but since mine is in a program...his liklihood of success is higher than the guy who just says "i won't drink".
then again...I figure he also likes living here..and doens't want to find his crap on the lawn in hefty bags. LOL
I'm not even thinking of you, I'm thinking of your kids.
The stats. are staggering when you look at them. The odds of your kids either becoming an A or marrying an A are CRAZY HIGH if you stay w/ this guy.
Your not married to him so GO! Save your kids....save yourself.
Then go to Alnon and see why you decided this guy was the right one for you ..so the next one won't be a carbon copy.
As for the boundaries.
Only you can decide what is 'okay' for you.
some people say 'drink again and your gone' and mean it. Others say drink again and your gone and their A knows that isn't quite the truth...they will stay and take it again and again. It's about setting the boundary and backing it up.
don't say it if you don't mean it or can't do it.
I have the 'you drink and your gone' boundary. My RAH knows I mean it. So while he'll do everything else under the sun to make me bonkers...he won't (or hasn't YET) touched alcohol. Of course it IS a disease...so that has to be considered but since mine is in a program...his liklihood of success is higher than the guy who just says "i won't drink".
then again...I figure he also likes living here..and doens't want to find his crap on the lawn in hefty bags. LOL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sylvie, good job on the mortgage application! Taking steps away from the A is a very empowering move...it doesn't mean you have to do anything with it, just that it is there, tucked in your back pocket. Having a plan B vision in your head allows you to have better clarity on your current Plan A. What my wise Mother recommended was to look at a few houses in your price range - envision you and your kids living there alone - and pay attention to how that makes you feel. You'll know the answers you seek when you are ready for them.
Al-Anon is a wonderful resource during this time! Every time I feel like I am about it lose it, I go to a meeting and walk away feeling stronger and more secure in myself.
Al-Anon is a wonderful resource during this time! Every time I feel like I am about it lose it, I go to a meeting and walk away feeling stronger and more secure in myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
[QUOTE=hydrogirl;2875358
Sounds like he worked to instigate a fight so that he could have an excuse to drink. So glad you are going to an Al-Anon meeting.
HG[/QUOTE]
Sylvie,
This sounds precisely like my past few days. They struggle with sobriety bc they aren't embracing the mental stuff that is needed for recovery and the easiest way to deal with this is to pick a fight and have a "reason" to drink.
My husband did the same thing and I took the bait (though at a certain point I don't really see it as bait as much as my inability to not break down emotionally since trying to keep it together 100% of the time is really hard with an alcoholic) and he used it as reason to drink...
Sending you hugs!
Sounds like he worked to instigate a fight so that he could have an excuse to drink. So glad you are going to an Al-Anon meeting.
HG[/QUOTE]
Sylvie,
This sounds precisely like my past few days. They struggle with sobriety bc they aren't embracing the mental stuff that is needed for recovery and the easiest way to deal with this is to pick a fight and have a "reason" to drink.
My husband did the same thing and I took the bait (though at a certain point I don't really see it as bait as much as my inability to not break down emotionally since trying to keep it together 100% of the time is really hard with an alcoholic) and he used it as reason to drink...
Sending you hugs!
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