My first post

Old 02-23-2011, 01:24 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
Hey VV

What you described in your post is almost exactly the same story as me and my wife's (down to the dishes and the suicide thing).

I'll make this short. Your kids are right. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can, however, contribute to it and you have been doing just that by being her enabler.

Here is what saved me from myself:

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Go to at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if this will work for you. I believe with absolute certainty that if you fully engage with Alanon your life will improve markedly and dramatically. You will be a happier person. It will also help you make better decisions about when, how, and if you should engage with your wife.

It won't heal her. It's not for her. It's for you. For her there are other programs, including AA, that may or may not work, and won't even have a chance to do so unless she fully engages with them.

I really hope you go to Alanon and give it a fair chance. I suffered needlessly for years because I refused to go to a 12-Step program. My ego was too big, and I thought I could handle things myself. I was wrong. It turns out I'm just a regular guy. Unless you are Superman, Batman, or some type of God, you are just a regular guy too.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.


P.s. Noday is right about everything she said. When my wife threatened suicide I called the Police. She spent the night in a psyche ward and never did it again because she knew I'd call the police again. I suggest if your wife ever does it again you call the police. You are, in fact, being held hostage not only by her, but by you.
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Old 02-24-2011, 04:04 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Posts: 24
As I sit here.. it's 12:02am on a work night.. after I confronted her earlier earlier this evening about her renewed drinking, she did one of her disappearing acts. I have absolutely no idea where she is. I'd just like to thank you all for your kind words of support. You don't know how comforting it is to know that I'm not alone with this.

Thank you.
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Old 02-24-2011, 04:35 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Posts: 24
Thanks for the private message of support

I cant reply as I dont yet have more than five posts on the forum, but thanks for your message. I'm only just coming to terms with the situation. For far too long I've felt lucky to have such a beautiful woman without even once looking past the superficial.

(typical man!!)
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Old 02-24-2011, 04:53 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Hi vvl - just want to welcome you to SR and I hope you can make yourself comfortable here. Sounds like you might need the company!
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Old 02-26-2011, 04:01 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the kind words.

After a long chat this evening with my AW (picking up the lingo) I could see the anger building in her voice so tried to diffuse the situation, but it was too late.

I've been informed that it's my fault that she has a drink problem, as it's caused by boredom and I don't keep her occupied enough every waking moment that she's not at work.

She summerised with the usual.. 'maybe I should take up smoking or eating junk food and become obese instead hey?'
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Old 02-26-2011, 05:11 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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And after you hang around here a bit and read others stories, you will swear there are video cameras in your house and they are telling YOUR stories.

You are not alone. My story is so similar as to not be worth typing out. Just call it the same.

No amount of talking, pleading, threatening, consoling, or anything else I can think of ever did a darn thing. Ever.

After enduring this for far more than any sane person should, I finally sat her down with our children and gave her an ultimatum. I was fully committed to carrying out the final solution if she did not do as I ask. She still had the choice. It was not coercion. It was not me controlling her in any way.

It was a simple choice: Just like the Matrix. Take the red pill or the blue pill. Each choice had a clearly defined consequence. If she chose to NOT seek the help I arranged for TODAY, and do what ever the doctors and experts told her to do I was leaving her. And on the coffee table was a filed, official, signed, sealed and delivered divorce action. And I would never capitulate. I would walk out the door, and there was no course of action that would convince me to change my mind. We would be divorced in 60 days. Period. This was the 100th last chance and I wasn't budging an inch.

If she chose to seek the help, then I would consider pulling the divorce papers based on her continued success in recovering from her alcohol problem. This choice was presented to her this past summer. The divorce action is still on the books. Still officially out there, ready to go. Round in the chamber, hammer cocked so to speak.

And I can tell you our life together is exponentially better. She is not completely sober. meaning I know she still drinks. But it is not much, and it is decreasing still. If this was the max level of drinking we ever endured there would be no problem. She is fully active in AA.

It has not been easy, and I have had many times to question what I'm doing. But this works for me.

I guess what I am saying in a whole bunch of words is:

Nothing is going to happen without a catalyst for change. It could be a DUI, with a manslaughter charge to go along, an epiphany from her higher power, or an ultimatum from her family. Regardless, she will need SOMETHING to force her to change. As you may have read, one of my favorite lines: There is no Alcoholic Fairy who will come around tonight or any night and sprinkle magic dust making this all better. But you can hope for it.
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