Blogs


Notices

stick to my guns

Old 02-22-2011, 06:44 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
passionfruit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
stick to my guns

not coping well this am.

Sat morning before I left his residence, he had begun his manipulating, controlling, behaviors. As he played each one out, I pointed out to him what he was doing. (Now, you are mimicing me...control behavior; Now, you are twisting my words and putting the blame on me...manipulating behavior)

Then I said to him. "I can see you. I can see who you are. No more hiding behind your magic screen appearing to be what you want everyone to believe you are."

I left.

He did a couple of things to mutual online accounts that lead me to believe he is readying for a fight. I am convinced he is moving on. Before, he wasn't interested in separating anything because he believed I would be back.

I know I am readying to let go. I have been moving progressively towards it since moving out 5 weeks ago. Each day become easier to move on and harder to even think about possible change and reconciliation.

I panicked when I realized he was letting go. Scared of the fight, but more scared of being without him. No. More scared of being alone again...

I am going to be okay without him. I need to let go which I am, but it is scary!!

I am afraid and sad and need to stick to my guns............
:


I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be afraid.............
passionfruit is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to passionfruit For This Useful Post:
Florence (02-22-2011), Learn2Live (02-22-2011), Leise (02-22-2011), LS2 (02-22-2011), NTurn (02-24-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 06:57 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Same here and about the same timing. We can do this!! We can move on to happy, fulfilling lives!

When you become weak, play back the craziness he does in your head. It helps. Mine just said this morning, it has been over a month, when are you going to forgive me, I have not drank since then? I got caught up in trying to explain myself and he doesn't get it. They don't get it and never will, if you ask me.

I keep singing that Christmas song about putting one foot in front of the other and soon you will be walking out the door!
JACKRUSSELLGIRL is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to JACKRUSSELLGIRL For This Useful Post:
Florence (02-22-2011), LS2 (02-22-2011), passionfruit (02-22-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 02:53 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
You can do this, Passionfruit. You are so much stronger than you know. You're not alone, we're here for you. It's not the same, I know, online vs F2F, but we're here.

I love this:
Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
Then I said to him. "I can see you. I can see who you are. No more hiding behind your magic screen appearing to be what you want everyone to believe you are."
Big, big, big old bear hug.
theuncertainty is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-23-2011), Learn2Live (02-22-2011), passionfruit (02-22-2011), tjp613 (02-23-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 02:57 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hey Passion, you're doing something very liberating for yourself.

Keep walking tall.
Shellcrusher is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shellcrusher For This Useful Post:
passionfruit (02-22-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 05:22 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Blog Entries: 2
When my abandonment button gets pushed, I also panic. It's so familiar, familial actually. Abandonment is what I know most intimately, well I should say USED to be what I knew most intimately.

Today I also have experiences, like you illustrate here, with self sufficiency. Self love. I tentatively step out of my comfort zone and truly let go. That brings immediate relief- acceptance is my friend

I now know how much better I feel, have reference, for the benefits of letting go and having faith in my ability to be happy and take care of myself.

When I remember to tell myself the following phrases, amazing things happen. It shifts me from that scared little girl into the powerful, compassionate woman I want to be

I am leaving you now
This is my choice.
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
All is for my greater good.


Try it. I say it over and over until it takes hold over the programming of abandonment. Let me know if it helps!
transformyself is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to transformyself For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-23-2011), Florence (02-22-2011), Learn2Live (02-22-2011), Leise (02-22-2011), LS2 (02-22-2011), passionfruit (02-22-2011), Scott1970 (02-24-2011), theuncertainty (02-22-2011), tjp613 (02-23-2011), wicked (02-22-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 08:58 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
passionfruit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Thumbs up I will give it a go........

I put it on sticky notes on my computer desktop.......will put on paper in my purse too.

abandonment huh?

Never considered that is what I was feeling..........

passionfruit is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to passionfruit For This Useful Post:
Scott1970 (02-24-2011), transformyself (02-22-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 09:27 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 54
I am currently separated and living alone. It gets real lonely and sometimes even fearful when I dwell on what is happening to my life. Moving out and being alone with yourself is very tough. I was feeling a little depressed today. Then tonight I passed my house and my son let me in. I hugged my dog and he licked my face for about 10 minutes. That's all it took to snap me out of it. Now I sitting alone in my apt and I feel good. Funny how a dog can change your mood
Midwestman is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Midwestman For This Useful Post:
NTurn (02-24-2011), passionfruit (02-22-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 09:34 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Blog Entries: 2
Never considered that is what I was feeling..........
Dude, I'll never forget the day I realized all that horror and anxiety I feel is really just abandonment issues.

Someone, I think dear Wicked, started a book club online reading thingy with a book called Healing from Abandonment or something like that. It sure helped me and Girl, I am one helluva mess!
transformyself is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to transformyself For This Useful Post:
passionfruit (02-23-2011), StarCat (02-23-2011)
Old 02-24-2011, 05:32 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
passionfruit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
I got a book on five stages of abandonment

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

We will see what it has to say.

Thanks ........
passionfruit is offline  
Old 02-24-2011, 05:44 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
NTurn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
Hey Pass.>>>>great big hugs to you!
I am so sorry that you are feeling all the same feelings that I myself have... just recently went through. It not easy..heart breaking that feeling of being abandoned. I still have my days when it hits me. But it is getting easier, I know I will be alright without him, not my choice but i will be alright & so will you.
We need to look after ourselves, be kind to ourselves, you dont deserve this just as I didnt. We WILL be okay because we are strong people, we will cry but we wont die..let it get to our hearts which will break but we will heal, through time we will be alright. Be kind to yourself hun, stay strong & stay safe
NTurn is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NTurn For This Useful Post:
passionfruit (02-24-2011), wicked (02-24-2011)
Old 02-24-2011, 10:57 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Blog Entries: 2
I just had a horrible exchange with my AH and wanted to let you know that this thread was constantly in my mind as he was threatening up and down.

He had a tantrum a few days ago about drinking and it's getting worse.

I'm so grateful I can see it for what it is. The hooks are still there, it takes a great deal of work to ignore them and do self care instead, but boy is it WORTH IT!
transformyself is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to transformyself For This Useful Post:
NTurn (02-25-2011), theuncertainty (02-25-2011), wicked (02-24-2011)
Old 02-24-2011, 11:44 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
passionfruit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
:)

i know.. i know

One day at a time as cyranoak says........
passionfruit is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to passionfruit For This Useful Post:
NTurn (02-25-2011), wicked (02-24-2011)
Old 02-25-2011, 06:20 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
passionfruit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
to quote Dave Ramsey, I visited the land of stupid

I failed.
I seriously thought about not admitting that on here or to anyone I am seeking counsel with in person, mostly because I am ashamed.

I could see myself sneaking around, trying to still pretend I am being strong and succeeding. Then I realized that is what he would do, when he drank. That makes me no better than he.

Besides which, I am not growing or learning to take care of me, if I am lying to those around me, even more so, if I am lying to me.

His disease has become my disease. That is clear in the fact that I thought to even consider lying to people I have never personally met and have never judged my failures, who have only offered support and tried to help me see the ugly truth about my relationship. Noone knows who I really am, and yet, I feel the need to lie to protect the personna I built on here of trying to be strong. I need to be strong, so others can too. I am proud. I don't want anyone to know I failed.

However, something from AA kept running through my head. HOW (honest, open minded, willing)

Well, how can anyone help me? how can I help myself , if I am lying to both?

Noone can. So as of late yesterday evening, I admit, I broke. I failed.

I did not remain no contact. My boundary is poof.

Now begins the process to rebuild me. I have attended alanon 2x this week. I am seeing a DV counselor weekly. What more can I do?

I have learned in this book "Codependency, no more" that my own behaviors are as destructive as much as his alcoholic behaviors are.

Even though he is still sober (about 6 weeks) my behaviors have not changed.
I am/was still angry.

My daughter has these same behaviors. I witnessed a grand display of them yesterday. I realized standing there in that moment, she probably learned them from me. After all, I did raise her alone for 12 years. Now she is seeking solace in the arms of a controlling, manipulating, punk.

Sounds remarkably familiar, hey?

So based on the info that I probably taught my daughter these behaviors, it would stand to reason, I had these behaviors before I met AH.

It seems obvious to me I sought out the relationship I am in, 2 years ago, because of my unhealthy behavioral needs, thoughts, traits. In other words, had it not been this particular man, it would have been one with the same traits. No doubt.

So this begs the question: Where did my codependency begin? What caused it?

Or does that matter anymore? Do i have to trace the roots of my codependency beginnings to resolve them? Or can i simply let that go and change?

I got caught up in telling mh AH that he has to own each of his bad behaviors in order to change them. He insists that he has. He has a "blanket" owning, if you will.

He "fell out of walking with God." He was drinking too much, he knows this and owns it. He needed to quit and has done so. He did things when he was drinking that he would not normally do.

Is this enough? For him it is. A blanket "I owned what I did." In my mind, if I remember some awful thing hes done, we should talk about it and he should own it.

Is that my codependent behavior that needs him to own everything individually?

Where is the compassion for the A as I have heard many people talk about? I personally have had very little for mine up to now.

Doesn't everybody deserve forgiveness? I have no problem doing that for sometime, then, the anger comes back and I want him to own whatever I remembered him doing to me.

I also realized maybe I've been too hard on my daughter in the wrong ways. I tend to be too soft and then too hard.

I need to set reasonable boundaries, and hold her to them. I am starting today to repair my relationship with her. That is my goal for today. Start with an act of kindness, and compassion. Explain to her about boundaries and the ones I choose to set and why. Ask for her input.

I have been talking to her about codependency, and attending alanon but she will not hear of it. So, do I simply let that go? I am guessing yes is the answer to that.

Let me add, he's a real pr*ck even when he is sober, but the physical abuse and womanizing only happened when he was drinking. I don't deny they were ugly.

I am disappointed in myself for breaking the nc thing. I will probably continue with contact. I keep thinking he is sober, and my behavior since he has been sober have not changed. I have not given him the benefit of allowing him to try to repair the relationship because my codependent behavior continues.

If you see skewed thinking, please contribute. Help me see my way through this. TY

Anyhoo.
passionfruit is offline  
Old 02-25-2011, 06:39 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
sailorjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
"Willingness cannot be manufactured out of thin air. The addict has to earn it through pain".

Patrick Meninga

I feel the same is true of codependency. If you read some of my earlier posts here, you'll see exactly what I'm referring to.

For me, it finally reached the point where I was sick and tired enough to surrender. I laid down my 'weapons'.

So very ironic for me, a recovering alcoholic, to be unable to grasp that simple concept regarding alcoholism/addiction in another. I truly cannot control the behavior of another, I can merely protect myself.

I needed to let healthier people do my 'thinking' for me.
sailorjohn is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to sailorjohn For This Useful Post:
passionfruit (02-25-2011)
Old 02-25-2011, 01:41 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
I keep thinking he is sober, and my behavior since he has been sober have not changed. I have not given him the benefit of allowing him to try to repair the relationship because my codependent behavior continues.
Wait a minute. Six weeks?? You expect years of habits and conditioning to be healed and fixed in six weeks?? He's trying to convince you that he's "all better" after six weeks??

I've been out of my marriage for almost six years, and I still catch myself reverting to old behaviors now and then. Not nearly as much, but yeah, it's still there. My healing is ongoing, and probably will be for life. So, give yourself a break. You're not going to completely change in six weeks.

Although you didn't say it, from reading your post I get the impression that maybe he's pressuring you to reconcile? If that's the case, I would be suspicious of his commitment to sobriety. Give it some more time--a lot more time--and see what happens.

Good luck with your daughter. I found that I had passed on a lot of my dysfunction to my children. A lot of that cannot be "undone," but setting a better example, being a better role model--that, I can do.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-26-2011), passionfruit (02-25-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:23 AM.