Does he not hear what I say? I swear. Denial.
 

I feel like I am doing everything wrong. He is using the "kill me with kindness" on me for the whole year. Soo..why does it make ME angry to have him treat me the way he should have treated me all along? It just makes me uncomfortable.

Tax returns, yay great we have bills to pay off, he bought a fish house AND a snowmobile from his drinking buddy. He decided not to tell me until today because if he told me earlier he would have felt guilty and not bought them. He says he bought them for the KIDS to enjoy. Yeah, they enjoy that stuff, but they are only 3 and 4! He says he needs these things to do his hobbys to keep him from drinking...? He used to ice fish and snowmobile drinking. Those things went hand in hand for him. He claims since I am not sure I will "commit" to him, meaning marry him, then he can spend the money on things HE wants and doesn't need to discuss it with me.

I told him tonight I REFUSE to marry him. Is it controlling to say that I won't be committed because he is not in any recovery program? He thinks I need to praise him for going to 4 A.A. meetings in ONE year. I understand his recovery or lack of- is in his own hands, but how do I explain to him that this is not going to make me trust him again?! His words are, "I just need to trust him to learn to trust again and get rid of the past and quit bringing it up."

Thankfully, he is more calm and doesn't throw temper tantrums when we discuss things, but when I asked about dealing with the issues that lead up to the drinking..he says, "it is just all from my parents and the way they are." When I talked to the A.A guys they said that, "You are doing things wrong and need to just get past it" (Meaning I need to get past it)

What in his mind doesn't understand I don't want to be with him! I told him tonight that I will not be intimate with him. He says he will find his own place and then two hours later says he is staying and it all falls on what I want to do. He realizes that if we do separate I will request supervised visitation, he says if I do that he will not do that and would rather not see the kids. He was crying. what the... He already abandoned his 6 year old son(has only seen him once in almost 2 years-and distance is not an issue, he is 10 miles from us), so it wouldn't suprise me if he did that to our two kids.

I looked into housing and since I am in school full time, I could probably qualify for housing assistance, but that is a four month wait list. I have to do more searching since I can't kick him out. Tomorrow I will take my a chunk of the return and open my own account, since were on a joint one. That will be step one. He keeps asking me to get my own account because I spend to much of HIS money. Since I don't have classes tomorrow I am going to do some searching. Why is the fear of being on my own, single mom, going to school and possibly needing a job scare me more than the toxic environment I am living in?

Because it is scary. It scares me too and I've done that - for a long time! I have a great career, my kids are teenagers and the light at the end of the tunnel for parenting is shining brighter every day. And still, the prospect of having to do it again on my own is scary.

Change is scary. Sounds like you are taking good steps. Keep it up! Consider each step a monumental event and it won't seem so daunting.

I went to the bank last week and applied for a mortgage. I was actually sweating - its 0 outside, and I am sweating! Yeesh - they rolled out the red carpet and I am still freaking out! Baby steps...one day at a time...and you, like me, will probably look back on this one day and say, "shoot, that wasn't so bad after all!"

(((LS2))) - for me, change is scary...even when I know, deep in my heart/gut/mind it's the best thing, I feel terrified. Someone once told me I was too comfortable in my "uncomfortable zone" and she's right.

His actions say that he wants to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. You, on the other hand, want better for you and the kids.

Sock some money away, in an account he can't get hold of and keep doing it. Check out housing options. Keep telling yourself "I deserve to not have to deal with him and his issues".

Trust is hard to rebuild (I'm an RA plus a recovering codie), but it's the ACTIONS that do more than words. From what I read, he's all talk, no action. I would detach, as much as possible, while still living in the same house...treat him like a roommate.

It's hard, it's scary, but it's SOOO much better when you finally do it, and if you're like me, you'll soon wonder why the heck you waited so long.

He's not going to "hear" you because he's in denial and he doesn't want things to change. As a friend of mine, here, says - you might as well go talk to a pine tree.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Lindsey, one of my best friends is the child of two alcoholic parents. She's written a book about her experiences, so I'm not revealing any confidences when I tell you part of her story.

She ran away from her mom's house when she was 15, because she was tired of her mom's drunk boyfriends trying to rape her. She showed up at her dad's doorstep and told him what happened, and he said, "I can't take you in."

When we met, in our early 20s, she was dating guys I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole and rubber gloves. All of them guys with addiction problems. And she knew they had problems. And when I asked her why on God's green earth, her response was something like this:

"When you've grown up like I grew up, all you know is that life is hell. You can't conceive of life not being hell. So therefore, you choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar one. At least that's what my therapist says."

I've thought about that so many times, because I think it's true regardless of your upbringing -- that we're more likely to choose the familiar, even if it is hell, than an unfamiliar situation, just because we know what our current situation is, but the unknown is really, really hard to choose. It's like buying a pig in a poke.

My story is that I stayed years past the expiration date of my marriage because I was afraid of leaving. I'm a single mom, scraping by, and living on a fraction of the budget and living space I had while married. But I have something I never had then -- peace of mind. And that, as the commercial says, is priceless.

Fear of the unknown is a healthy reaction. And sometimes, we just have to face that fear, stare it down, and walk straight through it. You've got my thoughts & prayers. (((hugs)))

For me (except the single mom thing since I don't have kids) it was because I did not know my own strengths. I did not know that I COULD do it on my own. You can do it Lindsey. And you can do it well, all by yourself.

Going through the same thing right now. I can not stand the sweetness and still trying to get me to go away with him even after his Valentine Weekend plans. I said no. Funny how they can act so sweet when they want to.

I think they do it to A) Suck us back in and B) When we finally snap because they keep pressurring (sp) us, they can say what a bitch she is, I was just trying to be nice.

I have so had it with the whole friggin dance.

we're more likely to choose the familiar, even if it is hell, than an unfamiliar situation, just because we know what our current situation is, but the unknown is really, really hard to choose.
Ding ding Ding! FP is dancing around and touching her nose!
My life was not hell, but it was crummy in some ways.
Still, the emotional ugh of the new and letting go of the safety of the bird in hand...well...that really strikes a chord in me!

LS2,

plse read this link I posted a few days ago abt dry drunk syndrome.
This has helped me in my resolve to keep moving on, as it validates a lot of what I suspeccted and feel abt my RAs behavior.

He won't change until he changes the thinking/ behavior...
Just helpful stuff to know:
Dry Drunk Syndrome

I understand. That fear kept me with XAH for a long time...until I realized that single momming it wouldn't be as bad as living in chaos. At least, I could have peace, order and sanity in my tiny little place.

When I get scared about something, I try my best to break it down into chunks I can handle. You're already doing that by opening up an account and looking for housing. You can do this!

Thanks for the link-I remember reading that same page about DDS last year when I was searching for treatments for HIM, in Minnesota here. It's good to re-read that again with a different view. :)