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Old 02-21-2011, 03:14 PM
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Angry Need help

I'm new here,found this link by mistake. I have been living with a alcoholic,Rx drug user for almost 20 years. When he uses,which is not all the time he is verbally,mentally,and physically abusive.After 20 years of detox trips,rehab,separations I am just sick and over all this crap. I have tried everything in the book to help this man.Nothing works and I've come to the conclusion some people just never will get sober. My problem is He is using now,Xanax to be specific.I am walking around on egg shells and at 53 years old I'm just fed up.I have made a plan in my mind to go and buy him some beer,his real addiction and wait till he gets half looped and then take the est and pour it down the drain.This in turn will make him violent and he will attack me.Once he does that I will have him thrown in jail.This will be the 3rd domestic since the new year and I am sure he will get jail time.I know from going to Alanon this is wrong but I need some peace in my home. I cannot put up with this any longer. I am open to your responses. DA:
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:22 PM
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Hi Selman2 to SoberRecovery. I am glad you found us because it sounds like things are getting intolerable there. I understand your frustration but it sounds like a dangerous thing to do. Is there some place you can go to get away from this person, instead of inciting him to violence? There will be more SR members along shortly with more perspective on this situation.
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:24 PM
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You don't have to suffer an attack to get out. I'm in the UK so don't know what domestic violence/abuse organisations are available to you.. but please try one of those before putting yourself in such a dangerous situation.

Tx
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:38 PM
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That is just your over active, big brain working overtime. It's seems to be a common problem we have. The dumb ones would never have put up with what we do.

So instead of setting yourself up for an arse kicking, which is never fun, try this.

Pack a bag and walk out the door. You don't need anyone to justify it for you. It matters not what you do or say, he will do or say what ever he feels like. You know he will lie about what ever happens. You know he will say anything.

Just leave. I know it is harder than it sounds. But it sounds a whole lot better than your plan.

Leave tonight. Stop off at a Library in the morning and find your local domestic violence place. They have taxpayer paid lawyers on retainer to help you kick his rotten arse out of your house. Then you move back in.

Or, plan A.

You decide.
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:50 PM
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I am getting tired of having to leave my own home. I made the mistake of having his name put on the deed in case I would pass on, so now I have no options to remove him.I feel the only way he will ever leave me alone is if he is in jail.I know that harse but I see no other way.The question I have to ask myself is why did it take me 20 years to get to this point.I feel I wasted my life and I cannot control the anger I carry. I want him gone,I want peace in my life.I am just so sick, sick ,sick, of this. The part that really gets me is when he sobers up ,mostly because he has no cash and I refuse to give him any and he acts like nothing happened.No apology,notta.I want to be honest so I will tell you all I am gay.That even makes it worse in my mind.I had no reason to tolerate this.I think because my father was an alcoholic I was on a mission to save this man.What a joke this has all been
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:56 PM
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Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with the severity of the situation. It is what it is. Please try not to beat yourself up (or plan to allow anyone else to beat you up!!!) I have learned that I have to quit focusing on the past and look to the future...you have the power to make sure your future is not the same as your past!
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:59 PM
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I think because my father was an alcoholic I was on a mission to save this man.What a joke this has all been
Yes, I understand this. My father too, and I tried to save one that was just like him, but hid it better. He was seething mad at women.

Can you have him removed from the deed?

I want to be honest so I will tell you all I am gay.That even makes it worse in my mind.
I don't see how it makes it worse...I hope you find your way out to some peace and to be who you are.

Beth
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Old 02-21-2011, 04:00 PM
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Unhappy

I think before you follow through on this idea, you should give yourself a day or two and do one thing:

Get the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft

You can find several chapter on google books.

Take a few minutes and begin to read this. I think it will empower you where you are feeling none of that at the moment.

I think it will help you come up with a plan that is less harmful to yourself.

40 days ago, I left an Abusive Alcoholic Husband who came close to killing me on several occasions. He made sexual advances toward my daughter and was going to make that encounter happen.

I was not able to do it alone. I had my sister help me.

I understand you wanting to fight for your home. However, when he gets out of jail, guess where he is coming?

A judge can stop that.

Take a deep breath, know that I am on your side, and have been where you are. The grass, here, far away from that, really is greener, my friend.

Give yourself some time to formulate a plan that is long lasting, and protects you. YOU DESERVE THAT...GIVE IT TO YOURSELF.......

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Old 02-21-2011, 04:45 PM
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I ordered the book and will try and chill for a few days before I do anything. Its a terrible feeling to feel alone and unsure.I know I'm sick also, just don't know where to begin.My house is closed up like Fort Knox and tomorrow I am going to open shades and window coverings and stop hiding.........thats my plan.Hope I can go through with it
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Old 02-21-2011, 04:47 PM
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tomorrow I am going to open shades and window coverings and stop hiding
That is a great idea. Let the sun in.

Beth
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Old 02-21-2011, 05:18 PM
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Hi Selman! Welcome to SR!!

Wow, I certainly understand your frustration. No one deserves to live with abuse of any kind. I do hope you can come up with a plan that won't involve baiting your AH (alcoholic husband).

Know that you have found a place where you are understood and not judged.

Hugs and prayers for brighter days ahead!

HG
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Old 02-21-2011, 05:25 PM
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I see. Together, but not married, so no "legal" right to occupy the home. There was probably a reason the deed is the way it is. And I bet it was not your idea.

While it is not easy, you can still leave. You have a key. He will be in jail soon enough. He will be at work. What ever.

Sounds like a near life or death situation. Walk out the door. Don't come back. Clean out the joint account on your way. It's a joint account. Just as much yours, right?

Or is there no joint account? if not, that was by design too. Someone has all the cards in this game.
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Old 02-21-2011, 05:27 PM
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If you have had three DV incidents this year, you should be able to get a restraining order without having a "fresh" one.

I suggest you go to the family court tomorrow and apply for one. If it is granted, HE would have to leave the house, not you. The ownership/property division can be addressed later. You are entitled to be safe from abuse.

Please look into that. I also suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting regardless whether you stay with him or not.

You're right--life is too short to live it with someone who abuses you.
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Old 02-21-2011, 05:27 PM
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Hi Selman

I understand your frustration but there are better safer ways to get out - reach out and get some help.

Please do NOT put yourself in danger.

Domestic Violence


For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
United States DV Resources by State

lots of great info here too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

stay safe selman
D
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Old 02-21-2011, 05:39 PM
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Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project / GMDVP.org

http://gmdvp.org/contact/
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:23 PM
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Your plan sounds crazy from an objective standpoint. I'm sure you know that. Sometimes being with insane people gives us insane ideas. If you can get away from him at any cost, your life will begin improving in many ways, in a short period of time.
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by djayr View Post
Sometimes being with insane people gives us insane ideas.
Couldn't have said it better. When we are dealing with irrational people, we tend to think that the only options we have are the irrational ones. There is no shortcut to peace in the this situation, though. It is mind-boggling sometimes to think of what we have to go through to untangle ourselves from the A's who have ensnared us. Use the resources around you, keep going to meetings and keep coming back here!
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:49 PM
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oh my friend - I know that you don't want to lose your home - that's a very painful thing to consider -

but it is much better to lose a house than to lose your life ~

Would you play Russian Roullette? probably not - from my perspective that's about what you would be doing if you gave this plan a try ~

Alcoholics/addicts are unpredictable - most of us know that from years of painful experiences -

after 17 yrs - I walked away - I did lose the house and half my material possessions - but what I gained - the freedom, safety, serenity, laughter and peace ~ oh my friend ~ it is so much better than those walls that held me captive.

Today I know I would live in a cardboard box on the side of the road rather than go back to that "house" of pain, fear, and insanity.

I know I deserve better and SO DO YOU!!!!
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:13 PM
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Thanks for all the support.I did not go through with the plan. Things have gotten quiet here. I get so angry at myself for allowing this to continue.Once I am in that frame of mind I feel nothing but contempt for the addict. Right now I am going to reflect and decide what to do while things are normal (as normal as it gets for me). I have to dig deep to see where I'm at and what I need to do.
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