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Oh...he was just joking, right!!

Old 02-20-2011, 07:34 AM
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Oh...he was just joking, right!!

OK....I just need some reassurance that am doing/did the right thing. Stbxah and I have been able to talk and spend time with the kids together, but lately he is off the deep end. Friday night he called and I have no idea what was wrong with him, but he said something like, "the reason we are apart is because if we weren't you'd be dead." OK...so I stopped texting him, but felt a little threatened. THen he proceeded to continue saying stuff like I should lock my doors, swat can't stop him....this went on for hours and admittedly he scared me....which I'm sure was his goal. I wasn't really participating in the conversation, just kept getting texts. I told him I called the police...(but I hadn't)...he was SO mad. He couldn't believe I would call the police...he was joking and I knew it after all??? Really??? So who do you call when this happens - specifically, and what do they do?? So...he showed up Saturday and I told him to leave - he took my phone and deleted all my messages he had sent...I'm sure because he had told me if I had called the police, "he was afraid he'd lose the kids"........Also, on Saturday he looks at me laughing and say, "let's have se" - it'll be really great since you're so angry - wth is he thinking?? And was not evening drinking etc....
So who do I call, what do they do, do you believe he is serious....., what can I do to protect my kids from his psychosis??
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:43 AM
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This is scary, F
mine acts weird and doesn't say things like that, and I am afraid of him.
Please call the police if he does this again.
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:51 AM
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If ANYONE threatened to kill me, no matter who they are or what their excuse, I would request a Protective Order from the court. Any domestic violence entity in your state will help you do this. Or you can google it with the name of your county and get the information for how to file. In my state, the court hears P.O. requests even on weekends and holidays. The fear and anger divorce and custody fights can create make people go out of their heads. I've seen too many news reports of violence during these kinds of things to not be overly cautious. If you feel scared or threatened one tiny bit, trust your instincts and take appropriate action to protect yourself. Please.
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:53 AM
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save those texts
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:55 AM
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I have a feature on my phone that I can pull my memory card and upload everything on it, text messages, pictures and videos I have taken, contact list, etc to my computer and then put my memory card back into my phone. I think this might be a feature to look into for those in your circumstances (still dealing with 'an off the wall' STBXAH).

If that had happened to me, I would not only have said I called the police I would have called them. Just like if someone threatens suicide I would call 911.

I am so sorry you had to go through that.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:02 AM
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This guy is very dangerous. You know that, yet you keep spending time with him. What does he have to do before you finally STOP? Sorry to sound so harsh, but you've been through this stuff before with him and you know he can be violent. Please, call a domestic violence center and talk to them. Do whatever you have to do to keep him away from you and your children. I really believe that if you don't, it's only a matter of time before he does something horrible.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:19 AM
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I've worked in the DV field for many years, and this is dangerous. YOU are in danger. I suggest you apply for a restraining order immediately. It doesn't matter that you don't have the texts. You explain that he came over and deleted them (trust me, that will come as no surprise to judges who have dealt with domestic violence).

The RO will bar him from any contact with you, and probably with the kids (it might provide for supervised visitation). Do NOT ignore those threats. I've seen too many homicides that were preceded by this exact kind of behavior.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:31 AM
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good advice here. And tell you cell phone company. All those texts are stored somewhere on a server. The record of them exists. It might take a court order to get them. But they are there.

You are in danger. No doubt. Get help.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:48 AM
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Sounds like you're still caught in the "dance" with him.

I hate to say it, but if he's done this before and you're still hanging with him, isn't that like asking for it?
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
good advice here. And tell you cell phone company. All those texts are stored somewhere on a server. The record of them exists.
To my knowledge, the record that text messages were sent exists. I do not believe there is a record of the content of the messages. I've dealt with this in the legal context, and I believe that's correct.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:12 AM
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To my knowledge, the record that text messages were sent exists. I do not believe there is a record of the content of the messages. I've dealt with this in the legal context, and I believe that's correct.
Yep I think you are correct Lexie. It was part of the reason I got my 'newer' phone when they came out. I am with Boost. I got a Sanyo Icognito that has no SIM card, but a memory card that is easily removable from the side of the phone, and goes into an adapter memory card holder (the size of a 'normal' one) that fits in the slot on my laptop where I can upload everything.

I recently had to do just that when the person I had broken up with started sending some not only weird but nasty text messages from various phones (not a one his cell phone) from various places around the country.

So following my own advice, after years of working with DV victims and volunteering at our local DV shelter, I took the printouts to the court here where I live and now have a PRO should he 'arrive in the county'.

(((((Freeing Myself))))), this is not a joke, he is escalating and it really is time to protect yourself and your children.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:22 AM
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I would go straight to the police and tell them everything that happened. I would get a protective order. This is serious.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Sounds like you're still caught in the "dance" with him.

I hate to say it, but if he's done this before and you're still hanging with him, isn't that like asking for it?


Absolutely Not!!

Women do not ask to be abused. These not so subtle threats are abuse period.

She may fall from time to time thinking there may be hope for change, thus the "dance," but I think that is far from "asking for it."

She does not deserve to be treated this way, nor did she ask for it by any of her actions.

HE IS RESPONCIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS! Actually, those words you wrote are what he is telling himself to rationalize his behavior!

I suggest you read the book by Lundy Bancroft about abusive men even if you are not abused. Education about domestic Violence is important to our society, my friend.

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:37 AM
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the texts are all there. I'm positive. It is just difficult to get them. If the feds want to look at your texts thinking you are a terrorist, you can bet they can get the archive. I don't think the phone companies will give them to you if you ask, but if a court order says hand 'em over, they will.

I believe part of the patriot act requires the companies to keep them. It is really just a matter of storing the files on some machines in a warehouse somewhere.

Not far from me someone bought an old mall. The whole thing. They are filling the empty stores with computers and renting virtual "space". It is a pretty big outfit, and business is good.

Also, they are not really deleted from the phone. They are still in the phone. Deleting them simply frees that space up to be written over.

If you really, really want those texts stop using that phone now. Turn it off, pull the sim card out and install the sim card in another phone. your number stays the same. And some 17 year old techie kid will be able to recover the delete messages.

good luck.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:45 AM
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L2L and Lexie are right. Get a protective order now. (((hugs)))
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:53 AM
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They are not stored long-term. From what I understand, they are stored on the servers only until delivered, and perhaps a few days afterward.

It may be possible to retrieve them from the phone, that I do not know.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:58 AM
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Let me try a different angle - you have kids, right? What would you do if one of your kids was receiving these very texts from a peer of theirs? Now, apply those actions to yourself.

Scary...very scary...and never, ever a joke.
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Old 02-20-2011, 11:01 AM
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This guy is scary and he has been mentally unstable and scary since you first started posting. You are not crazy. He was dangerous then, and now, and will be in the future. If you want to protect your children, stay away from him. 100% away from him.

I would call the police and report it and find out how to get a protection order. Then no contact with him - do not respond to his texts. Call a domestic violence line to figure out how to be safe. If he comes pounding on the door don't let him and tell him to leave. If he doesn't leave right away or escalates, I would call 911.

Stay safe.
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Old 02-20-2011, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
the texts are all there. I'm positive. It is just difficult to get them. If the feds want to look at your texts thinking you are a terrorist, you can bet they can get the archive. I don't think the phone companies will give them to you if you ask, but if a court order says hand 'em over, they will.

I believe part of the patriot act requires the companies to keep them. It is really just a matter of storing the files on some machines in a warehouse somewhere.

Not far from me someone bought an old mall. The whole thing. They are filling the empty stores with computers and renting virtual "space". It is a pretty big outfit, and business is good.

Also, they are not really deleted from the phone. They are still in the phone. Deleting them simply frees that space up to be written over.

If you really, really want those texts stop using that phone now. Turn it off, pull the sim card out and install the sim card in another phone. your number stays the same. And some 17 year old techie kid will be able to recover the delete messages.

good luck.
Z's right - you can retrieve them and a tech person would know how. I've done it myself, using an app and a SIM card, when my 17yr old got threatening texts from an ex. I took the paper copy to the high school and had them forward a copy to his parents.
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Old 02-20-2011, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post


Absolutely Not!!

Women do not ask to be abused. These not so subtle threats are abuse period.

She may fall from time to time thinking there may be hope for change, thus the "dance," but I think that is far from "asking for it."

She does not deserve to be treated this way, nor did she ask for it by any of her actions.

HE IS RESPONCIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS! Actually, those words you wrote are what he is telling himself to rationalize his behavior!

I suggest you read the book by Lundy Bancroft about abusive men even if you are not abused. Education about domestic Violence is important to our society, my friend.

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft
Yes and she knows this and keeps going back. When does he stop being responsible and she start?

I've read many books on abuse, thanks, but if I keep going back to an abuser over and over and wonder why I'm being abused, it become MY fault!!!!!!

The victim role only lasts so long until one become a willing participant
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