A conundrum
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
A conundrum
Here is the situation I find myself in today…My sister is an alcoholic and she just lost her job. Sadly the job loss wasn’t connected to her alcoholism, so the victim mentality has remained intact. My parents stepped in because they feel too much of the burden has fallen on me, and she is living with them. I’m getting calls from both of them.
From my sister I hear that they follow her from room to room. She cannot go for a walk by herself (they live in the country and there isn’t any liquor in walking distance). She tells me my parents are supposed to go out tomorrow and my mother told her that one of them will stay home with her if she doesn’t surrender her car keys. She’s crying because she’s 29 and her whole life has fallen apart and every aspect of her life is being controlled. This is valid. Unfair things have happened to her, but she hasn’t dealt with anything, she just started drinking… and everything in your life snowballs when you’re only visiting reality from time to time.
From my parents I am hearing that she is lying, sneaking booze into the house and is just lovely to be with during the day, and at night she drinks and cries. They are in their 60’s and tired. They say it’s taken over their life. When I tell them that the help she needs is more than any of us can provide, they say none of us have the money to send her to rehab, and when I spoke of suggesting she try AA meetings, they didn’t want the community to know what their daughter has become. They are willing to have me look into facilities available in their area… that was roughly 20 minutes ago… so I decided to take a moment to post just to clear my head and perhaps get some advice or insight from those of you that have been there before… I’ve told them it’s her issue. They can’t baby sit her or control her but that they are within their rights to throw her out. She’s very employable and will be working again soon, but we’re all worried about what she’ll do when left alone. But then again, it’s her life and her choice… maybe we need to offer help and then let her go… I don’t know what to do. She’s my favourite person in the world. Even when she lies to our parents or her boyfriend, she’ll tell me the truth. This sucks.
From my sister I hear that they follow her from room to room. She cannot go for a walk by herself (they live in the country and there isn’t any liquor in walking distance). She tells me my parents are supposed to go out tomorrow and my mother told her that one of them will stay home with her if she doesn’t surrender her car keys. She’s crying because she’s 29 and her whole life has fallen apart and every aspect of her life is being controlled. This is valid. Unfair things have happened to her, but she hasn’t dealt with anything, she just started drinking… and everything in your life snowballs when you’re only visiting reality from time to time.
From my parents I am hearing that she is lying, sneaking booze into the house and is just lovely to be with during the day, and at night she drinks and cries. They are in their 60’s and tired. They say it’s taken over their life. When I tell them that the help she needs is more than any of us can provide, they say none of us have the money to send her to rehab, and when I spoke of suggesting she try AA meetings, they didn’t want the community to know what their daughter has become. They are willing to have me look into facilities available in their area… that was roughly 20 minutes ago… so I decided to take a moment to post just to clear my head and perhaps get some advice or insight from those of you that have been there before… I’ve told them it’s her issue. They can’t baby sit her or control her but that they are within their rights to throw her out. She’s very employable and will be working again soon, but we’re all worried about what she’ll do when left alone. But then again, it’s her life and her choice… maybe we need to offer help and then let her go… I don’t know what to do. She’s my favourite person in the world. Even when she lies to our parents or her boyfriend, she’ll tell me the truth. This sucks.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Ihatethis: Yes, very wise of you to take a deep breath and come here.
Your post goes back and forth between making excuses for your sister and then holding her accountable for her own life. Choose this day which philosophy you will adhere to.
It must be exhausting for you being in the middle of all this. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to back out, not let the two sides involve you in it in any way, and trust your HP that your sister and your parents will find their way through this. And then, when your house is quiet because they are not involving you in it, pay attention to where your mind wanders because then you will know what it is that your step 4 involves.
I hope this makes sense. Hang in there. Your being involved just muddies up the water and is a type of enabling.
Keep coming back!
Your post goes back and forth between making excuses for your sister and then holding her accountable for her own life. Choose this day which philosophy you will adhere to.
It must be exhausting for you being in the middle of all this. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to back out, not let the two sides involve you in it in any way, and trust your HP that your sister and your parents will find their way through this. And then, when your house is quiet because they are not involving you in it, pay attention to where your mind wanders because then you will know what it is that your step 4 involves.
I hope this makes sense. Hang in there. Your being involved just muddies up the water and is a type of enabling.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 260
I could have written this...I can so relate as my twin sister is an alcoholic, I understand what you are going through. I understand the burden you have on your shoulders. My sister also lost her job, 2 marriages...countless jobs to be honest. She also lives with my mother who is now 76. I have found the bottles hidden all over the house, I have heard the excuses & the " what will the neighbors think" I have had all the lies too.
Like your situation her habit took over our lives completely, for over 20 yrs. My life was consumed with her alcoholism. We tried everything to help her, setting up the key workers, antabuse, detox, you name it she did it. She depended on me right? Me being the loyal sister did it for her, tried to save her, fix her. Take her out of situations that could trigger her binges. Worried myself sick for years over her.
It took me a long time but i realized that I wasn't helping, when i thought i was supporting i was being her crutch.
I set my own boundaries, walked away for my own health and sanity. I love her but I cant save her. It took me coming here for support & understanding to help me set my boundaries. Shes an adult so why were we treating her like a child? Shes her own responsibility not mine. I have some control back in my life and it feels good, I see her everyday for coffee and a catch up. If shes drinking i walk away and if shes sober i will stay. We both understand each other now, & yes she was a bit shocked at first when i announced that I was leaving her to her own devices...but guess what...shes been sober now for 4 weeks apart from 1 day when she slipped up but manages to pull herself back right away ( thats a first for her, a really big deal for us ). A far cry from the week long binges we used to witness. This is the longest shes been sober in yrs. Step back & be kind to yourself...Love her, shes your sister but you cant babysit her shes not a baby. You can still be a good sister, by setting boundaries you will be helping both you , your family and your sister.
This forum was/is a god send for me, Its a great place to start.
Like your situation her habit took over our lives completely, for over 20 yrs. My life was consumed with her alcoholism. We tried everything to help her, setting up the key workers, antabuse, detox, you name it she did it. She depended on me right? Me being the loyal sister did it for her, tried to save her, fix her. Take her out of situations that could trigger her binges. Worried myself sick for years over her.
It took me a long time but i realized that I wasn't helping, when i thought i was supporting i was being her crutch.
I set my own boundaries, walked away for my own health and sanity. I love her but I cant save her. It took me coming here for support & understanding to help me set my boundaries. Shes an adult so why were we treating her like a child? Shes her own responsibility not mine. I have some control back in my life and it feels good, I see her everyday for coffee and a catch up. If shes drinking i walk away and if shes sober i will stay. We both understand each other now, & yes she was a bit shocked at first when i announced that I was leaving her to her own devices...but guess what...shes been sober now for 4 weeks apart from 1 day when she slipped up but manages to pull herself back right away ( thats a first for her, a really big deal for us ). A far cry from the week long binges we used to witness. This is the longest shes been sober in yrs. Step back & be kind to yourself...Love her, shes your sister but you cant babysit her shes not a baby. You can still be a good sister, by setting boundaries you will be helping both you , your family and your sister.
This forum was/is a god send for me, Its a great place to start.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by NTurn 
...when i thought i was supporting i was being her crutch.
That's the crux of it. My brother has been alcoholic since he was 13--I've been a model of detachment where he is concerned. If he calls drunk, I simply say "Call me when you're sober." I'm getting more and more sober calls, but only because I think he's "sick and tired of being sick and tired" at the age of 51.
But I somehow feel so drawn to rescuing AH!! I feel like he can't put one foot in front of the other without me, and that's so wrong. I've researched nutritional cures, I've bought him books, vitamins, you name it. So he really needs me to get out of the way. I see that now.
As for your sister, it must be SO difficult to be the middleman. As others have said, Step 1 is learning about alcoholism; Step 2 is setting your boundaries.
Take care, and thanks for coming here and sharing.
[sidebar note re NTurn's avatar: I have that same parking sign! AH is Scottish and full of national pride. Says he'd love to go back to Scotland to live, but it would probably kill him]
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
I sound conflicted because I am. I understand not enabling my sister. My main sorce of conflict is my parents. I've been dealing with this for 3 years. I've come here, done some required reading and applied myself to a healthy relationship... I've had some bumps and it'll never be perfect... but I try to be aware. My issue is my parents have only become aware of how dire the situation is over the last year or so... they are totally ill equiped and are old fashioned country folk that don't believe in self help. They believe in doing it on your own, cold turkey, and you're a better person for it. I don't feel it's right to abandon them.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to abandon them, but you can detach from them.
They have the same right to make their choices as your sister does. You can tell them that you will help them if they want sis out of the house, but if they choose to allow her to stay there, she is pretty much their problem.
You can't rescue them any more than you can your sister.
They have the same right to make their choices as your sister does. You can tell them that you will help them if they want sis out of the house, but if they choose to allow her to stay there, she is pretty much their problem.
You can't rescue them any more than you can your sister.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'm going to break my rule here...
...and ask you to consider an actual course of action. Please ignore me if you see fit.
1. Tell you parents they can no longer complain about your your sister with you. Go no contact if they do not respect the boundary.
2. Tell your sister she can no longer complain about your parents to you. Go no contact if she does not respect the boundary.
3. Do not take your sister in.
4. More importantly that the previous three, find and attend at least six Alanon meetings, some different, and see if they help you.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
1. Tell you parents they can no longer complain about your your sister with you. Go no contact if they do not respect the boundary.
2. Tell your sister she can no longer complain about your parents to you. Go no contact if she does not respect the boundary.
3. Do not take your sister in.
4. More importantly that the previous three, find and attend at least six Alanon meetings, some different, and see if they help you.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
Talked to them today... told them that my involvement complicates the situation and it's between them to hash it out... they seemed okay. Now I just have to stick to it. If they've decided to have her live with them, the consequences go with it... I can't soften it for them. Thanks for the support all of you!
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