Hopeworks

Kudos and more kudos for talking this over with your therapist and coming to the boards for some more outside opinions... pretty healthy imho.

NOw... don't shoot the messenger 'cuz I am gonna give it to you straight girl.

I am a little worried about the heavy dating scenario with a bunch of losers and then hooking up with "I think he is the one" in what appears to be a very short time window.

Am I missing something here? You started dating this guy a couple of months before your divorce was final with the ex in August? Were you seperated from hubby for a long while before your divorce when you were doing all the men you described who sound like the worst of the worst from match.com!
If your friends are fixing you up you need to fire them!

Not judging here ... I used to say if there was a roomful of people I would immediately be attracted to biggest loser in the room ... Mr. Magnetic personality with the twinkle in his eye and a trail of broken hearts behind him!
Yep... just call me the Queen of the scum magnets ... that being said and having kissed plenty of frogs I can report that A.) they NEVER spent the night nor did they move in. B.) My scumbag detector became a finely honed machine and I actually would ask potential dates if they minded a background check... needless to say my social calendar freed up considerably then...lol.

So...having qualified myself as having vast experience I am questioning why you jumped so quickly from the frying pan (bad marriage) to lots of dating activity to now wanting to move this guy in?

And I am wondering about your therapist a little bit... she is actually thinking this is a good plan for you?

Having spent a lot of time on the couch myself and minoring in psychology and studying the subject (trying to unravel my own issues) I have found that most couselors suggest that you don't enter into new relationships when you have kids for at least a year after a split or divorce. The year timeframe is also a number often used in AA when someone newly sober starts talking about starting a relationship.

And... whatever behavior you model is what you are teaching your kids ...they don't care what you say they SEE what you do. If you want your kids to hop into a live in relationship without the benefit of marriage after 8 months of blissful dating when they are teenagers just show them the way with your own behavior.

And why does potential significant other have to "buy a house" when he can rent for another 6 months or a year and you can really get to know oneanother? Trust me in the fact that he does have flaws and faults that early dating euphoria does not even allow for... time always tells if things are right or not.

And opinions do matter... the inlaws are grandparents and they are forever... this guy MAY be forever... however, statistically a relationship such as this has less than 50% chance of success. The time you have known him is short and he may be Prince Charming and you may live happily ever after or you can be smart and like Reagan used say "Trust but verify" (always loved that saying).

Check him out real good because once they move in the moving out gets sticky... as one poster pointed out its your house!

Besides... when they move in is when they start dropping their socks on the floor and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Let him continue dating you and spoiling you during this special courthship time!

JenT1968

Take your ex and his family completely out of the equation, what he thiniks of this is not important.

what LTD says really: I understand his lease being up in June, which is an artificial deadline (although it's the sort of opportunity/challenge that comes up in real life) would you be planning to move in with him in june if his lease weren't up?

For me, personally, I'd want to date for longer than 8 months before starting to think about moving in together, and more than 11 months before doing it. I think I'd want to introduce the kids, and me, to spending more time with him over weekends, go on holiday a few times. Living together has challenges that can only be discovered and ironed out by living together, but I'd want to see how we all got on when together 24/7 for a number of 3, then 7 then 14 day periods first and after that honeymoon period had settled down into the normalcy of a relationship before judging if it was the right time to take that step (but then I've been burnt a number of times moving in with people quickly for financial/outside reasons).

I like what LTD says.

brokenheartfool

He's not pressuring you but...

either you move him in or he is making long-term plans for himself that include purchasing a house.
That isn't pressure?
It's a decision to make a major purchase that he will surely be saddled with for at least 5 years. There's no reselling houses in a hurry, especially in Michigan in this market.
For him to buy a house as the other option, seems like a WHOLE LOT OF PRESSURE TO ME!
He will be making plans for HIMSELF ALONE.
Just how much is he thinking about the two of you long-term if he's considering buying himself a house?
Is this an either do this or get ready for the "or else" situation?
The or else being something he would do for himself, not with any future prospects of your relationship.

Am I reading too much into this? I don't think so!

sesh

I think you need to concentrate only on what you want to do, especially since your kids like your BF and like being around him. Do you want him moving in and living with you? Do you like the idea of waking up next to him every morning, falling asleep in his arms every night? You don't owe anything to your XAH or his family. Your decisions shouldn't be based on what they think or feel.
I also think there is a another big Codie issue here, and that is our need to always know the outcome of every situation in our life, we always need insurance that the every decision we make is going to lead us to happy ever after. We forget that life doesn't come with much garantee, we can never be 100% sure, we can only do what is best for us today, and than keep working on it every day that comes. If we start the relationship we should stay in it utill it works once it stops we make new decisions that work for us that day of our lives, at least that is how I see it.
I left my STBXAH few months ago, the divorce will be final in few months. Since than I've met someone else, someone whose company I really much enjoy, someone who by being present in my life is making me feel myself again and normal again. My kids (12 and 7 yo) are crazy about him. I see clearly they need him in the same way I do. he spends a lot of time in our home, and my kids are the ones that always ask if he can stay over and spend the night. often he does. He sleeps with me and my 7 yo son comes over during the night and sleeps with us. My 12 yo D confides in him and often asks him for advice. My point: I guess all 3 of us have been missing having a normal family for a long time now. This is what we need right now and this is working for us today. IMHO that is the all that matters.
I don't pretend to know what will happen, my BF might as well turn out to really be the person that will stay in our family or maybe he will not. The time will tell. If it doesn't work out between us, my kids and me will be fine. I know that since we speak openly about everything. Lately I found out the kids bounce back quickly, much faster than I ever thought.
I know there are many people out there that will not agree with me or approve of what I do, but that is OK. As since I found out I don't owe anything to anyone but myself and my kids, my life became much more simpler and much happier. I guess since I've started trusting my HP and started taking what is being ofered to me good things have started to happen. What needs to be will be, and that is fine with me, as life consists of both good and bad things, but if there is a one thing I know for sure that is I will never again deprive myself of happy today for the fear of what tomorrow might bring, as that is the very thing that kept me stuck in my hell of the marriage for years. I just plan to live my life and I believe as long as I have my kids best interest and my own set as priority we'll be fine.
Also I know for sure I'll be making mistakes but they are part of life too, but IMO that is much better than not living my life at all for the fear of making them.

Well, this is my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest.

Ladybug0130

I hate to sound harsh and that is not my intention at all, but I think deep down when you are asking this question you only want to hear what you want to hear, that moving in with this guy is a good idea. This is common, I think a lot of times when people ask for advice they have already made up their mind and just want validation. But truly, moving in with someone this soon is a poor idea and odds are, it won't end well. People's minds do get so clouded by being in a new relationship (and this IS a new relationship) that judgement is poor. This is why people get married four times or have children with five different fathers. Love makes us act foolish and we often repeat mistakes.

I have an AH who is pretty much dying from his addiction right now and I have to say, we had an amazing relationship for a long time. I was SO in love with him and had such a good time with him when we met. Now that I look back on the first few years of our relationship, there are many red flags, but I could not see them at the time. Or the ones I did see, I made excuses for. I think all of us on this forum can understand how that goes.

Anyway, best of luck to you.

tallulah

We're all different. We all recover at different rates. What may be way too fast for some, may be the perfect time for others.

I started dating quite soon after I left my ex, but it was dating... dipping my toe in the water, finding out about what I wanted, honing my little voice and my red flag meter. It'll be 2 years in a couple of weeks and I'm nearly 3 months into my current relationship. Do I know this guy is good for me? Do I know this is going anywhere? Do I know if it's forever or just temporary? No.. no..no.. I don't know anything with 100% certainty, BUT, that's the same for any relationship and has little to do with my experience of having loved an A.

Getting involved romantically with someone is always a 'risk', it always comes with unknowns.. the best you can ever hope for is you have all the tools at your disposal to ensure you have the wisdom and strength to leave if that is what is best for you. Just make sure you go in with your eyes wide open and always with the interests of you and your little ones as the paramount concern.

Good luck

Tx

ETA: I'd move in with my boyf in a heartbeat (3 months in... shocking!)

froglegs

I like what everyone has to say. Makes a lot of sense to me.
I am in agreement with most of it. I am not making a major decesion right now, and I think based on the feedback I have gotten here and thinking things through I have come up with a plan.
When I really really think about it my main reasons for having my bf move in would be financial. When I really really think about it I am not sure I am ready to deal with sharing my home with someone so soon....Yes, money is tight but thats probably not a good reason to move someone into your house. I have handled it this far, whats another year or so. I like the idea of having him spend the night, a couple nights, take a vacation together and so on. This would be a good way to see how he really interacts with my family and vice versa. I think that was a really good point. We haven't spent more than the Tuesday and Friday nights he comes over until 10:00 and goes home..what would it be like if he was here more than that...I need to try that out first.
I guess that is right, if he is going to buy a house or a condo, so be it. I really dont think he is using this as a means of threat or anything. He lives with his sister right now, he moved back home from California last year and wasn't sure what his plans were so moved in with her. He can continue to live with her or he can get his own place. He has said if we do end up getting married/moving in together he could rent his home out if he buys one. I think he is still thinking long term even if we dont move in together

It's still 4 months away and a lot can happen in 4 months.
I appreciate the feedback, I like to get different perspectives.

Ladybug0130

Good! You sounds really reasonable. He might end up being the love of your life and it might all be wonderful...or not. I think it's great just to take it day by day and don't rush for the wrong reasons. I hope it all works out well for you!

stella27

I would be reluctant to let my kids get too close to a father figure without my being married to him. But that's just me.

nodaybut2day

Hi froglegs...I like your plan. It sounds...careful and "open".

In certain respects, I'm in the same boat as you. I started seeing my bf a mere 4 months after leaving XAH. There's no sugar coating it; I got into dating quickly. To be fair, I've had a crush on my boyfriend for the last decade or so, but still, it was fast and I can't change that.

However, we still only see each other once or twice at week, at most. We have spent a 10 day summer vacation together, but aside from that, we cannot see each other more than once a week on a regular basis. My life is *busy* with FT work, parenting a little one, graduate work, and his is *busier* with teaching, writing music and managing a band, and all the various responsibilities he takes on.

Also, a big deterrent to moving too fast: I live with my parents. We're buying a duplex together this year, and I don't plan on choosing an area that will be convenient for my boyfriend. I also don't plan on relying on him to move in to help me with the mortgage. I don't ever want to be in the position of relying on ANY man for money. And, my daughter has gotten used to having three adults around to parent her. I refuse to yank her away from that so that I can go move in with my boyfriend. So, life, or HP is forcing me to take things slowly. It's frustrating at times, but I trust in HP that there's a good reason for this.

hadenoughnow

In MI there is no standard morality clause.

Froglegs, there really isn't a anything you can do about what your exah or his family think or say.

The saying "what people think of me is none of my business" applies here I think.

LaTeeDa

Traveling together is a great way to get to know someone. If you can travel well together, it's a good sign. My XAH and I almost always fought when we traveled. I've been seeing someone for over 3 years now, and we've traveled together a lot without any problems. Live and learn, huh?

L

StarCat

Not always a good judge, though... Things change.

I traveled well with XABF for 2 years. But he's an ex for a reason.

zrx1200R

My vote is to wait longer. What's the rush? My radar is going of a wee bit over what you described. My definition of no pressure is exactly that. None. Something like, "if you want try living together, I'm willing to give it a try. It's all up to you. I totally understand if it is too soon, and can respect that. I'm not going anywhere. I really like being with you and there's no rush".

That's no pressure.